to think SIL manipulated us?

[Lilylo]

Long post, sorry but I am fuming.

SIL has a history for being manipulative, schemy and selfish and I guess what happened today was the final straw that made me snap.

Three days ago SIL calls DH and I to ask us if we wanted to have dinner with her and a childhood friend of hers (that DH hadn't met in 15 years) on Sat morning (today).

We said ok no probs, we'll come. Yesterday she texts us to check if we are ok with two other couples that are friends of the childhood friend joining the lunch.

We say: actually we do not quite feel like socializing with new people. (DH is going through a stressful period and just prefers to keep it quite during the weekend). Why don't you guys have lunch with these other people and we reschedule our lunch (SIL, childhood friend, DH and I) for another time?

SIL starts pushing and getting aggressive. She ignores the fact that we keep saying we don't quite feel like coming. She says she can't reschedule cause she is busy ANY other time, she says she has been organizing this lunch for months to make DH and this childhood friend meet after a long time, she says this friend is going to leave the country for 3 months and that we must see him today. Her actual words after we repeated several times "let's reschedule" were: let's just stick with tomorrow and deal with it.

We politely told her we'd rather not go 4 times. After that, she says that actually the other two couples cancelled so now it is back to us 4! No reason not to come then!

I asked her: ARE YOU SURE IT IS GOING TO BE JUST THE 4 OF US? She says yes.

We reluctantly agree to come. Today we show up and we find 8 people at the table and SIL looks at me and says: surprise!!!

I could have killed her with my bare hands.

For the whole lunch DH and I try to hide our frustration and be polite for the sake of these other people, but I actually went to the bathroom and cried a little out of frustration.

After we left, SIL calls DH and accuses us of having ruined the lunch cause apparently it was clear we did not want to be there and if we did not want to come we could have just let her know. She says she felt embarassed by our attitude. AAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

And by the way, it turns out that the childhood friend is not leaving the country for 3 months, he is going to Bristol for 5 days -.-'

AIBU to feel manipulated and tricked? AIBU to feel like I don't want to be bulldozed over if I say I don't want to join something?

Make this the last time you allow her to treat you like that.

It's perfectly normal to say dinner for lunch

The actual point was that neither dinner or lunch happen in the morning, but don't let the truth stop you ignoring other people!

DH and I have no anxiety problem. We just preferred not to go out with these people. It was not really a big deal, we just preferred not to. Instead, we were forced to do it by SIL who would not have it any other way. It is either her way or no way.

The reason I cried in the bathroom is that this is the last of a long list of situations where SIL acted like a real self-centred bitch. I cried out of frustration because she is a horrible human being that I am stuck with forever.

are her and your dh close? Why do you have to see much of her?

I really couldn't be arsed with someone who behaved like that.

OP said her dh was going through a stressful period in his life.

If they don't want to go to the effort of making new acquaintances; making polite conversation and had made that crystal clear then his sister is indeed a twat.

Stop being manipulated by her. Why is that so hard?
You knew that she's sucker you again in some way, yet as intelligent beings with free will, you let her. Like you did last time, and as you will do again in the future.

OP I actually understand you. Dh's aunt is a bit like your sil wanting us to socialise with her friends and whatnot and being manipulative about who's going to be there when we arrive at an arrangement, lying by omission etc. It's very annoying. I'm not averse to meeting new people but fgs it should be on my own terms surely? If i don't feel sociable that's up to me.

OP, you both need to learn and practice techniques that empower you to be able to say no and stick to it.

The actual point was that neither dinner or lunch happen in the morning, but don't let the truth stop you ignoring other people!

Jeez. MN is madness sometimes. Just get a grip.

Anyway, OP if your SIL senses she can bully you, she will. That's what bullies do. Stand up to her, or she'll keep behaving like this.

Why the drama though?
Maybe sil (wrongly) thought she was doing you a favour.
It seems to me that you can either throw your toys out of the pram or choose to get on with it.
It was lunch not a two week holiday with your arch enemy!

'Instead, we were forced to do it by SIL'

Take back your autonomy, how exactly did she force you?
YANBU not to want to be bulldozed, YABU to keep complying with her demands and knowingly letting yourselves be arsed about and lied to.

This would really annoy me too. I would not appreciate being lied to just so that SIL could get her own way.

I would accept no further invitations from her. And, if pushed, I would explain why.

She sounds very irritating. I would tell her that if she was embarrassed it serves her right and that she better not do anything like thar again because next time you will make sure she is really embarrassed.
Try to stop feeling so angry though for your own sake. Take comfort in the fact that she didn't really get everything her way if the experience was embarrassing for her.

"Why's it all such a big deal though?"

Because it is crazy-making when people say one thing then do another. It undermines a fundamental part of human relationships - that we can trust the people around us to do what they say they will.

YANBU OP and you or your husband have to call her out on this. What a dreadful person your sister-in-law is .

What's the issue with 'people you don't know'

SIL is an arsehole but it sounds like you all know how it was going to go down though.

Why didn't you just leave when you arrived once you saw the other couples were there?

You caved. Own it.

Make damned sure to say what you mean, mean what you say and put phone down and refuse to discuss.

Shut her down.

You all sound terribly dramatic.

It was just a bloody lunch!

You're annoyed because you didn't want to go, yet you went.

She's annoyed that you eventually caved and, by the sounds of it, sat there with faces like slapped arses barring the time you spent crying in the toilets.

I mean, it's all a bit ridiculous, is it not??

How was it not obvious that the others would be there even though she said that they wouldn't?

Iknow that you were pissed off with Sil, but were the others such awful company that you couldn't hide your pissed offness?

Well at least you'll know another time to tell her know &mean it!

I think it's probably brunch if it's in the morning. Especially on a Saturday.

YANBU. And I'm quite surprised at the responses you have had so far.

It's ok for you to just not fancy something, and say you'd rather not. Its not ok for SIL to keep badgering, then lie, to get what she wants.

I used to have a friend like this, who'd badger and make me feel guilty about going out, make loads of promises, then I'd relinquish and we'd end up somewhere I hadn't fancied only to find some other friends she knew were there ( or a bloke) and she'd promptly ditch me.

Not I said used to have a friend. Thats really your option here. Just say no to everything from now on, and then she can't manipulate you.

"If you were embarrassed then perhaps you should have lied...again, to get your own way....again. We will not be accepting any future invitations from you so dont waste you time by extending them"

You can't change what's done OP but there's lessons to be learned here for the future. People can only manipulate you if you let them, if you don't want to do something just say no, you don't need to give a reason (the old 'that doesn't work for me/us' comes in handy here) in fact with people like your SIL its best not to as it gives them scope to get round your reasons. Being assertive is hard when it doesn't come naturally especially with people like your SIL who won't take no for an answer but just keep telling yourself she can't make you do anything you don't want to and stick to your guns, it will get easier the more you do it. As for today I think you just have to put it down to experience and use what's happened to strengthen your resolve for future incidents, having a go at SIL is probably pointless as it sounds like she has the hide of a rhino and I doubt she will see your side or take your feelings into account next time. I would try and do something nice and relaxing tonight and take your mind off what's happened, lesson learned though, don't fall for it in future

It could be a good thing this has happened.

Next time she asks you to do something the answer will be "No.", no further explanation required. Don't ever agree to do anything with her (that you don't actively want to do) ever again.