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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

389 replies

arghhythu · 21/05/2016 18:02

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 08:14

Yanbu.

I told Dh about 7 years ago he could cook for himself as he moaned about my cooking skills all the time. I haven't cooked anything for him since that day, just cook for me and dd.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 08:18

Oh dear, just read the rest of the thread. If I were you Id be seeing a solicitor for some advice.

BabyGanoush · 22/05/2016 08:40

Cat, your postssound so sad to me. Why live with such an entitled wanker? Why put up with it, why?!

OP, do things feel very different in the morning? (They often do). Your H sounds awful, is he often like that?!

Original poster
arghhythu · 22/05/2016 08:42

I'm tired. He slept in the spare room and got up today full of venom and hatred. He says he can't stand me.

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 22/05/2016 08:45

He really thinks he'd get custody of a three month old baby when he works normal hours and weekends and can't even cook a meal for himself? That's almost funny.

WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 22/05/2016 08:46

Wow, telling someone you can't stand them is nasty stuff.

MissHooliesCardigan · 22/05/2016 08:50

arghh I posted on your thread when you were really struggling with PND. Didn't you have the crisis team involved for a while? I remember thinking then that your H sounded really unsupportive. Now he sounds like a total shit. You're obviously a strong person as you've survived depression- you will be fine without him and I rarely advocate LTB that quickly.
How is your DD doing now?Flowers

Lweji · 22/05/2016 08:50

I meant to post earlier.

He is a complete dick and has always been. It has only escalated because you suddenly challenged him and the status quo. The problem was always there.

Do leave. I hope you find a nice place for you and your baby. At least you'll only be taking care of one baby, not two.

His current stance is probably a reaction so you back down and try to keep the peace, as you've always done.

When you leave or prepare to, I suspect he will back down and claim he's changed, blah, blah, blah. What will you do then?

BrienneAndTormund · 22/05/2016 08:51

But you can't stand him either can you? So that shouldn't hurt you. Let it bounce right off.

Hissy · 22/05/2016 08:52

Oh love, I'm sorry.

This is him tho, not you. He really isn't good enough.

Get legal advice before you make any Decisons

crayfish · 22/05/2016 09:01

He sounds awful. But things can escalate really fast when the penny drops. In the May my man-child xDH and I had a romantic holiday together, all fine, and by the August I had left him. Everyone was shocked, but it had really been years of walking on eggshells for me. Things finally came to a head when he made me do the hoovering immediately after a painful hospital procedure. That was 5 years ago and ltb was the best decision I've made.

MarieJeanne · 22/05/2016 09:06

My DH is a trained chef but because of our work hours now, I nearly always cook the evening meal. Sometimes I cook from scratch sometimes it's a frozen pizza but whatever I serve up DH is always grateful and always thanks me. This is how it should be imo.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/05/2016 09:17

He is really showing his true colours isn't he. I doubt this is the first time though, I imagine he is like this any time he doesn't get his way.

So, your house is in his name solely? How about bank accounts, how is he with sharing money etc?

RidersOnTheStorm · 22/05/2016 09:29

Go to your Mum's and plan your divorce. Good luck.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/05/2016 09:29

I was going to post that even with a 5yo and 3yo and a love of cooking from scratch my DH wouldn't demand I did it ever. But this is clearly about so much more. Sorry your DH is a prick and a half. Hope you get out soon. And know, you will be fine on your own, you will survive. Besides you've spent so long looking after DD and your man child that you'll probably find more time to get things done without the DH drain which will help you to live more frugally/within your new means.

TheNaze73 · 22/05/2016 09:31

This doesn't sound like it'll end well. Hope you can sort something out but, the loathing appears mutual. Good luck. Flowers

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 09:32

OP
your life will be much easier without him, trust me.

I have single mum friends who found it a revelation to kick out their useless partners, they are very happy!

You must see a solicitor tomorrow. You have had your Great Salmon Epiphany for a reason.

BonitaFangita · 22/05/2016 09:35

Unfortunatley Thereshegoesagain I think the stage of communication has passed. You need two people to do that and it's clear that OP's husband has checked out of that option.
From your first post I thought it was a tired and grumpy DH just having a strop, but this is so much more than that.
I'm really sorry you're going through this but if your husband can't even try to have an adult conversation with you, then I honestly don't know how you can salvage this relationship. Flowers

Grilledaubergines · 22/05/2016 09:40

Walk away OP and you will never look back. He sounds like a nasty bully. Life as a single parent is great anyway but compared with the option of living with an arsehole, it's the only way to do it, both for you and your child.

Of course you must cook him his salmon. A lovely addition of course is a sprinkle of laxative on top. Enhances the experience no end.

Grumpyoldblonde · 22/05/2016 09:46

Your post where you said you are worried you won't cope without him? Please bear in mind you already are coping without him, you said he does nothing with dd, won't do housework and won't (not can't, anyone can knock a meal together) cook. Added to which he won't talk like an adult but strops like a child, I would say you could cope very well without this added stress.

Original poster
arghhythu · 22/05/2016 09:49

He says he'll kill himself if I leave. I'm stuck.

The house is his, no joint bank account. He's a high earner.

OP posts:
AHellOfABird · 22/05/2016 09:51

Suicide threats are another common theme from abusers, OP.

CantAffordtoLive · 22/05/2016 09:51

He won't kill himself.

Get some legal advice. If you are married half of what he has is yours, no matter whose name it is in.

Go out today, out of his way, leave him to his misery. Flowers

Lweji · 22/05/2016 09:52

He won't kill himself, and quite frankly, if he does, it's his problem. You didn't cause it.

I would urge you, though, not to do leave while he's there. Instead of killing himself he could harm you.

Can you wait for Monday and just walk out?

Remember you can claim child maintenance and benefits.

As you are married, it doesn't matter if it's his house. You can leave, then put in a claim to live there. As well as claim spousal maintenance or more than 50% of the marital assets.

But, I think it's wise to leave asap, then worry about the legal side.

haveacupoftea · 22/05/2016 09:53

They always say that, dont believe him. Its just another form of emotional abuse.