Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

389 replies

arghhythu · 21/05/2016 18:02

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

OP posts:
pointythings · 21/05/2016 21:35

You're married. You have rights to the house. Get yourself some financial and legal advice first thing Monday morning. Start a thread in Relationships or get this one moved - some of the people who can help you are already here - AnyFucker is one of them - but there are many others who will give you sound practical advice.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2016 21:35

He says if I leave with DD that's it. It's over. Why the fuck am I hesitating?

Because the unknown is frightening, even if it IS desirable. Plus, and I don't know if I can explain this right, it puts you on the 'receiving end' of the breakup. It always feels better to be the one to say 'I'm done with you' rather than to be the one that hears it. Even if you really want out. I guess it's sort of the same as 'You can't fire me, I quit' makes one feel 'better'. Silly, isn't it?

Do you rent or own? If you rent I'd probably leave as long as I was pretty sure I'd be able to find another place to rent. If I owned, I'd probably seek legal advice before leaving. In fact, I'd seek legal advice either way.

What would happen if you packed a bag and said you were going to your mum's for a couple of days to give you 'both' him a chance to 'cool down'?

Do you have joint finances? If so, perhaps you should think about separating them or at least starting a FYF (Fuck You Fund) by hiding or giving your mum cash to hide for you.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/05/2016 21:38

Xpost, the house is his/his family's. See a solicitor ASAP regarding the house and maintenance.

monkeywithacowface · 21/05/2016 21:39

He's lashing out because he can see he has no control of you. You're not playing the game and he can't bare it.

Always amuses me though that it's only the lazy, feckless arseholes that threaten to go for full custody. I think it's safe to call his bluff on that one.

TheUnsullied · 21/05/2016 21:39

I won't deny that the usual advice of not leaving the house, etc, is good advice. But I also think it's worth picking your battles. I was renting rather than a home owner so essentially not the same, but I had family I could stay with until I got somewhere to live and getting out as soon as I'd made my decision was the best thing I ever did. Ex refused to leave and if we'd both stayed I'd have eventually been talked round, convinced it was just your average couples' argument, accepted the excuses, accepted the portion of blame he would inevitably have tried to put at my feet. Even if we'd owned the place leaving would have been worth it.

ohtheholidays · 21/05/2016 21:51

What's the situation with your home OP,is it rented or bought and if it's bought is your name on the mortgage?

Your making the right choice like another OP said men that behave like this never get better,my ex husband was the same he just got more and more abusive and it did turn violent and I was with him for 9 years and had 2DS.

I've gone onto meet somone the complete opposite,my DH is nothing like my ex and we now have 5DC and his a real Dad to all 5DC.
So don't think it's him or nothing for you and your DD,you both deserve so much better from life. Flowers

228agreenend · 21/05/2016 22:04

I'm really sorry how this thread has escalated. When I left it, dh had just returned home with fish and chips. I fully expected it to continue with 'had a long chat' or 'dh has apologisd', but certainly not heading for separation.

Wishing you and dc all the best for the future.

MrsGBlythe · 21/05/2016 22:16

YANBU.

My other half cooks for himself every single day - we both work full time and he does shift work, plus we both go to the gym, share walking of the dogs etc so are busy and rarely get to eat together. Neither of us moan about having to cook, we just get on with it. Tell him he needs to learn some life skills or he'll be completely fending for himself...

Lightbulbon · 21/05/2016 22:20

How far away is you dm's? Do you have no cash for a taxi?

If you have to stay tonight do that but pack and leave first thing in the morning. One your at your mums go to a solicitor and look into your renting options.

Some day you will laugh with friends about what an arse your sbxdh was!

PestilentialCat · 21/05/2016 22:34

"All over a bloody meal"

I have had more stress in my marriage related to mealtimes than you would believe.

Never turning up when it's ready, despite agreeing the mealtime

Disappearing to the toilet for at least 15 minutes as it's being served

Minor complaints about ingredients - Hmm - not sure I really like chicken

Pseudo interested questions about how it was made, where the ingredients came from - so are these Spanish tomatoes? & did you add the oil on top afterwards?

I can't believe you spent 2 hours making this

This must have used a lot of electricity

blah blah fucking blah - don't mind me - the writing's on the wall Smile

FayKorgasm · 21/05/2016 22:46

Your life will be so much better without this excuse for a husband and father in it.

OooLookShoes · 21/05/2016 22:46

A midweek roast? Fuck that.

I have NEVER cooked a bloody roast (DH does Christmas roast, any other time we fancy one we go to the harvester down the road)

InionEile · 21/05/2016 22:56

Was he controlling before you had your baby, argh? My guess is he had you right where he wanted you before, waiting on him hand and foot and pandering to his whims but now you have a baby to look after and he doesn't know how to control you anymore. Things could get very unpleasant from here now that he feels like he is out of control.

You should definitely make a plan to leave. Lots of women in abusive relationships have got fantastic advice on here from experienced MNers so hang in there and stay strong!

Foofoobum · 21/05/2016 23:20

The poor wee bunny is struggling with taking second place and has locked himself in the bedroom. I think perhaps now is the time to change the wifi password. Stroppy kids get such responses why not stroppy adults? He'll come out when he can't get online...

AvaLeStrange · 21/05/2016 23:51

If you are going to leave (and it sounds like the right thing - it will be so much easier now when your DD is tiny), make sure you register for Matrimonial Homes Rights asap. This will ensure he cannot sell or transfer ownership of the house until a financial settlement is agreed. This applies even if the house is in his name as you are married.

OooLookShoes · 22/05/2016 00:25

Proper ROFL at change the wifi password

waitingforsomething · 22/05/2016 00:37

He sounds like he's lost the plot over this and it's escalated very quickly. He is being a bellend of the highest order and you are tired and emotional.
Go to your mums for a few days - you don't need to end your relationship on the spot. Let him rant and then talk to him properly in a few days when everyone has calmed down.
I think mumsnet is so quick to call ltb-
This might be the right call in the end but first I think you all need to calm down and then talk through the issues. If you can find a way forward (counselling, talking etc) that might be okay. It might not be but don't decide this minute- just get over to your mums for now.

VioletSunshine · 22/05/2016 00:47

He says if I leave with DD that's it. It's over. Why the fuck am I hesitating? She can't be around this anymore, it just isn't fair.
Ooh he's playing that game. Don't be having any of it. The whole point of that is to make you hesitate. My abusive ex pulled that crap with me everytime I wanted a break for the night from arguing and his anger. As if it being "over" would have been so terrible. It was incredibly satisfying to leave on my terms Grin (though it was easy too, we were renting and didn't have children. He didn't do cooking though either Hmm)

Cagliostro · 22/05/2016 01:01

only read OP so far but YANBU

Mummyme1987 · 22/05/2016 01:05

If he's being abusive of any kind call the police and get it logged. Even emotional abuse. Don't stay, you deserve better.

VenusRising · 22/05/2016 01:11

Arghhthu* if you are in danger please call the police, and women's aid for an emergency accommodation.

If you think he'll leave you alone tonight, then make sure you and your dd are safe and try and get some sleep.

You'll feel more energised in the morning to ring women's aid and the citizens advice centre for practical advice and look for a solicitor.
You will get a lot of help on here so do post in relationships or divorce.

We all care about what happens to you and your dd and wish you the very best. Stay strong, and try and get some rest.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/05/2016 01:26

has he locked dd out of having access to her cot too?

Bogeyface · 22/05/2016 01:39

The warning was so that he can say "Well she left me, its not my fault" whilst completely ignoring why you left.

Ignore his crap attempt at manipulation, just go ASAP.

Thereshegoesagain · 22/05/2016 06:57

This thread has gone from 'he's angry because I'm too tired to cook' to 'ltb' very, very quickly.
Have you actually sat down ( when he's not hungry) and talked.
You're lives and priorities has changed significantly since the arrival of your DC. You plan for so much, but not 'who's going to clean the Loo, who's cooking dinner, who'll do the shopping'
You have to communicate. give it time to calm down, stop thinking about an escape plan and start thinking of how you can support each other through this.

Rarastar · 22/05/2016 08:12

I'm hoping I could cope without him but there's always that little voice of doubt telling me I couldn't

Op, your posts sound so familiar that I had to pipe to tell you that you absolutely can cope without him. In fact your life will be far easier and calmer without a sulking man-child to constantly worry about.

It's almost 2 months since I left my ex for various reasons similar to yours and my only regret (other than not twigging what he was like before having a baby with him) is that I didn't have the balls to do it when my DD was as tiny as yours!