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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

389 replies

arghhythu · 21/05/2016 18:02

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

OP posts:
Lweji · 22/05/2016 09:53

If it helps, I spent 30 min on the phone with exH saying he had a knife to his neck when I left. 5 years later he's still alive and annoying us all.

Grumpyoldblonde · 22/05/2016 09:54

he would kill himself, because he might have to eat frozen salmon?
This is a common threat, right up there with the going for custody. You are not stuck or responsible for him. Legal advice, urgently

Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 09:54

The only response to that is 'crack on'

He's manipulating you. If you are married the house is a marital asset, don't believe what he tells you, get your own legal advice

Zaphodsotherhead · 22/05/2016 09:55

He 'can't stand you', but will 'kill himself if you leave'?

That's so illogical that it's obvious it's not worth trying to reconcile. He's spitting the dummy out big time - 'back in your box, woman, I control everything here'. Arghhythu, I once walked out (well, kicked out) my high earning husband, leaving me bringing up five children under eight with no money at all (he didn't pay). I did it. You can do it. Don't be afraid of change, it's not always bad.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 22/05/2016 09:56

He sounds hysterical and a disorganised thinker who is emotionally very immature. He also seems unable to cope with change, and that's what happens when you add a baby into any equation.
Any chance of a sit down discussion to set new rules and boundaries and expectations for this relationship? Counselling?
Or do you think it's over?
Whatever the outcome, you have done nothing wrong, he's struggling to deal with things and you are coping better. He is having a tantrum because things aren't how he wants them, and he's refusing to deal with them in an adult manner. He either needs to accept that he has to grow up and adapt, or leave.

Original poster
arghhythu · 22/05/2016 09:57

I can get to a solicitor tomorrow. I'm just trying to keep my head down today - he's at work but unsure when he'll be back. I'm exhausted and I don't know how this escalated so quickly.

OP posts:
magoria · 22/05/2016 09:57

If he threatens to kill himself call the emergency services as you leave.

Bet it is an empty threat like getting custody of your DC to get you to behave.

Treat it just like that.

DoreenLethal · 22/05/2016 09:57

He says he'll kill himself if I leave. I'm stuck.

Of course he says that - it is just to manipulate you.

You are not stuck. You can walk away from this. It is not his house. You are married and as such, have a claim to half if not more.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/05/2016 09:57

if you are married the house is both of yours.

DO NOT LEAVE UNTIL YOU HAVE TAKEN LEGAL ADVICE.

preferably tomorrow.

when he is at work gather the evidence of his earnings and ohter financial info.

when you do leave ring the police and tell them he has threatened suicide when you leave. get it on record.

if he is at all threatening anytime ring the policce and report, report, report.

LagunaBubbles · 22/05/2016 09:58

He won't kill himself, he's only saying gnat to get what he wants and emotionally blackmail you to stop you leaving. Don't let it work.

Costacoffeeplease · 22/05/2016 09:58

Can you not leave temporarily while he's out? He sound so unstable

Lweji · 22/05/2016 09:59

I am actually worried about your safety. Considering his reactions, it could indeed escalate to physical very quickly too.

I would either barricade myself in or get out, particularly because of the baby. You don't want to risk having her in the middle of a physical row.

Chippednailvarnishing · 22/05/2016 09:59

He's emotionally blackmailing you, to try to keep controlling you. Leave now, it can only get worse.

As for the poster saying Have you actually sat down ( when he's not hungry) and talked.. You can't have a reasonable discussion with an abusive man and who gives a fuck if he's hungry? I don't see any level of concern for the OP's hunger levels Hmm

Dollius01 · 22/05/2016 09:59

No, the house is not "his" if you are married with a child. Do not give up your rights.

What do you mean no joint account? Do you mean you have no access to money?

Are there other ways this man has upped his abuse of you since you had your baby?

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 10:00

he won't kill himself
but if he did you'd be better off, sorry!

house belongs to both of you, you are married.

UpsiLondoes · 22/05/2016 10:00

"If you can't stand me, why would you threaten to kill yourself if I leave?"

High earner you say?

Perhaps tell him you're concerned for his mental health and wellbeing and you will take his threats of suicide seriously. That means calling the police and notifiyinf his work for him, if need be. You can't allow him to be a liability to his work, can you?

TheSolitaryBoojum · 22/05/2016 10:00

Do you have a relative or friend you trust who could come over and be there with you? Sometimes a third person IRL is a tremendous support.

Topseyt · 22/05/2016 10:00

I have known several people who have left abusive relationships and the common theme was for the abuser to threaten suicide if the other party left.

It was all hot air and designed to control the partner. None did it.

You aren't stuck. Ignore his childish ways and leave.

BlackeyedSusan · 22/05/2016 10:01

though of course if you are in danger do leave.... should have qualified that.

aprilanne · 22/05/2016 10:03

my hubby was and still is useless around the home after 27 years i have gave up .but he was always good at mucking in with the children .just detests domestic chores .i was always a sahm but if you intend to go back to work then yes i would tell him he must help .if he wants fancy meals he knows where the kitchen is .

Lweji · 22/05/2016 10:04

if he wants fancy meals he knows where the kitchen is.

This is where it all started...

Original poster
arghhythu · 22/05/2016 10:05

We've never had a joint bank account because I had debts when we met. My (reduced) wages pay for food, clothes and nappies for DD and things like Sky. I struggle sometimes but I try not to think about it too much.

DD is fast asleep. I'm working out what to do.

OP posts:
Grumpyoldblonde · 22/05/2016 10:07

I am concerned about when he gets back from work, he will be expecting dinner again I would imagine, and it is likely to kick off again, if you can have someone there or go to someone for the night it might be best in the short term.

aprilanne · 22/05/2016 10:09

i obviously never read the bit about the abusive behaviour .sorry i think i would be looking for a good lawyer

AnyFucker · 22/05/2016 10:09

He wouldn't be considerate enough to kill himself

I think you should speak to Women's Aid. He us clearly verbally, emotionally and financially abusive. Just rung for a chat. They will not put you under pressure to do anything you are not ready for.

And don't tell him anything as you are very vulnerable to him escalating to physical violence. He sounds unhinged and very, very entitled. That is a scary combination.