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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

389 replies

arghhythu · 21/05/2016 18:02

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

OP posts:
Aprille · 21/05/2016 20:38

It might take more than a bloody fish Bonita for that man, by the sounds of it!

I remember telling an ex that I could be a mother or a lover but I couldn't be both so he could fucking choose which one he wanted to live with. He improved a bit after that but for me the rot had started with that really.

Creampastry · 21/05/2016 20:39

He's locked you out of the bedroom! What a twat! Divorce is the answer

BonitaFangita · 21/05/2016 20:41

Maybe a slap in the face with a frozen salmon will have the same effect?
I agree he needs to decide if he wants a mum or a wife, sadly lots of men think that's one and the same thing.

YouTheCat · 21/05/2016 20:41

Go to your mother's so you can get some head space to work out what to do next.

Don't worry about how you will cope on your own as you've been doing it all on your own anyway and now you'll be minus one manchild to look after.

RaspberryOverload · 21/05/2016 20:46

Proper food is a midweek roast or anything cooked absolutely from scratch.

Who's got time for a midweek roast? He's a twat who needs to be sent back to mommy.

This guy is an adult who's acting just like my DCs would have done when they were toddlers. So stupid.

KickAssAngel · 21/05/2016 20:46

I suggest you see a solicitor and find out how much you would be likely to get for child maintenance, then look at benefits and your salary. you might find you'll be better off financially, because it sounds like he doesn't share his money with you very openly.

So - no manchild to pander to, more money and no sulky eating of fish and chips. Wouldn't surprise me if all signs of depression also melted away soon after.

And, of course it's easy not to see what an arse he is until a baby arrives, because he doesn't have to compete for your attention, so he is much easier to keep sweet. Then a baby turns up and he's exactly like a toddler who doesn't want to share mummy, except he has financial control and isn't half as cute.

PestilentialCat · 21/05/2016 20:47

I don't pander to the restaurant choice shite! He had no idea that it was completely impractical Hmm

For a while I gave him the choice in the morning of the meals I had already planned & bought for, if it really didn't matter which order they were cooked in. He didn't like the lack of choice by the end of the week Grin

No choice now - take it or leave it - he takes it & moans if it's vegetarian or if we have chicken too often

Iflyaway · 21/05/2016 20:50

Go to your mother's

Why put her mum through it. She might have her own life too.... (duh mum, my son would say..). :-)

Tell him to fuck off if he doesn't want to pull his weight. I brought up DC alone, so can you.

NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 20:51

Ah good on you cat

Original poster
arghhythu · 21/05/2016 20:52

Talking to him was a bad idea. He's pretty emotionally abusive right now. I've never seen him like this. All over a bloody meal.

I have to find somewhere else to live.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 20:57

Sorry to hear that OP

Flowers

What happened if you don't mind me asking?

bibbitybobbityyhat · 21/05/2016 20:58

Yes, of course he's behaved appallingly. Expecting to have meals cooked for him every night before his dd was born is also appalling. I struggle to believe that anyone could even want to shag someone with that level of self importance. Yuck.

So now that there is a baby and op threatens divorce he counter-threatens that he'll fight for custody! Why is she even taking that seriously? It is completely idiotic.

BonitaFangita · 21/05/2016 20:58

Oh ythu What a horrible situation to be in, but it's his creation, not yours. Do you think he might be causing these arguments on purpose?

RaymondinaReddington · 21/05/2016 21:01

"He would not be the resident parent in the event of a split. Nor would he want to be. It's just a stick to beat you with"

This is correct. So many EA men say this as they can feel themselves losing control. They aren't capable and nor do they want the inconvenience.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 21/05/2016 21:15

You stepped out of line. You fought back. You called him on his behaviour.

Learn from this op.

Original poster
arghhythu · 21/05/2016 21:18

Not in a position to leave tonight but I want to.

He says if I leave with DD that's it. It's over. Why the fuck am I hesitating? She can't be around this anymore, it just isn't fair.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 21:19

Well the ball is in your court OP.
My could walk out now and end it all or you could draw it out and fight some more and hope things improve

I know what I would do but at the end of the day it's your choice and it's you that has to live with your decision.

pointythings · 21/05/2016 21:21

So let it be over. Your life will be so much better without him in it. And he will have to pay maintenance. You may have to fight for it, but you will get loads of help on here. Post in Relationships and you will have support from experts who have been there.

AnyFucker · 21/05/2016 21:21

what do you mean "you have to find somewhere else to live" ?

Original poster
arghhythu · 21/05/2016 21:27

I mean I can't stay here. It's his house and I know him and his family would fight me. I'm going to try and find somewhere to rent. Can't believe how quickly this has escalated.

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 21:28

Sorry to hear that OP but at least you know NOW and not 10 years down the line when your Dd understands what's going on

AnyFucker · 21/05/2016 21:29

if you are married, it is half yours

although I have to admit, you would be best off elsewhere but don't give up your rights

1st thing Monday, take legal advice

NeedACleverNN · 21/05/2016 21:31

What AF said.

Don't be bullied in to losing out on any financial and physical rights.

Make him pay for everything you can get him to pay for.

TendonQueen · 21/05/2016 21:31

Go, you'll be happier not being a servant to this arse. Do you have friends who would come back with you another day to pack up yours and DD's stuff? Don't stick around for this treatment.

arethereanyleftatall · 21/05/2016 21:32

Sorry if I missed it, but why are you the one having to find somewhere else to live? Surely it should be him?or is he happy for his dd to be homeless?