Told DH to fend for himself. AIBU?

[arghhythu]

DH is sulking upstairs because I'm not cooking for him. He's 32.

He's very used to getting his own way and until recently I've probably enabled him. I've always cooked because I got in from work first. He likes home cooked food, preferably requiring a lot of effort.

Now 3 month old DD is here so meals have changed. Things that are easy to prepare but still always ready when he gets home. This apparently isn't good enough. He wants "proper" food. Not willing to cook it himself, though.

Things came to a head today when he walked in and moaned about the salmon in the freezer. I told him to cook his own food and he said he can't. So I'm not going to cook for him anymore. He can shop and cook himself, right?

He does very, very little with DD and won't do housework.

AIBU to let him starve and just feed myself?

Tell him he can have a pot noodle and shove the frozen salmon up his arse.

Not drip feeding, I promise. Struggled to conceive so I put all my energy into "taking care" off him and keeping him happy.

Of course all my energy now goes on DD. Rightly so! Which means that in 3 months the way I feel has drastically changed. She's my top priority now!

I think you will find your life is suddenly happier and unburdened without him, tbh.

What a manchild.

And surely your DD should be his priority too. Some people are just utterly selfish, doesn't sound like he's willing to change.

Y would only BU if you stayed married to this person.

Ty hun

So I RTFT now ... OP I hope you're OK this sounds horrible. Absolutely your DD as priority but also you! Please don't let him walk over you

My H made his usual lack of domesticated effort when DS was tiny. I had cooked & frozen stuff in the run up to the birth & it was me who continued to do all the cooking. He had the nerve to complain about a meal my DM cooked for him while I was in hospital.

During the pregnancy his only domestic input was to carry the vacuum cleaner up/down the stairs for me. Oh & I think he might have put the bins out a couple of times.

He likes home-cooked-from-scratch food - & once had the great idea that he would like a restaurant-style choice because he didn't know what he wanted in advance

This won't get better - I've had 25 years of it

Sort out your finances with him. You are a family unit. Doesn't matter if your on mat leave or a low earner. You are one household.

My DP is an arse about housework but he works stupid hours and he at least cooks for us frequently. Actually, he's just come home from the pub, I'm still putting the DCs down, and I am willing to bet he's starting supper.

When you said he'd come home with fish and chips, my first thought was that he'd brought some for you too. I take it, if he's now sulking in the bedroom, that he didn't.

Never said it before, but you will be better off without him if this is normal behaviour.

Of course you could cope without him, infact you'd have less to do and less to worry about. He I imagine, wouldn't cope without you and would run back to Mummy.

Cat, wtf? Why haven't you inserted a menu up his bum by now?

OP, a roast?!?? How did you ever have the time mid week

Hah! Thought DP had come back from the pub, but I was hearing things! So, do I start supper so that it'll be ready by the time he's home?

Do I fuck!

Yeah cat why on earth do you pander to that?!

Of course you'll cope without him. You are married therefore entitled to (at least) half the assets of your marriage, plus maintenance for your child. And by the sounds of it he isn't actually providing anything to your family unit apart from money.

And you'll have to do a lot less if you don't have to be looking after him as well

Many, many years ago when DH and I first lived together my very wise granny told me 'Start as you mean to go on. He'll only get away with what you put up with' .

We were both very undomesticated but he still thought washing, housework and cooking were my job. We once fell out because I wouldn't pick up his dirty laundry to wash it (not my job, we have a wash basket). He went to his nan's house to complain about this 'terrible hardship' only to be told 'Grow up, she's not your mum!' and to his credit he did and now shares housework and cooking equally.
Your husband needs to grow up or get out, this isn't working for either of you.

How on earth could he cope with his dd fulltime? In that case, he'd have to leave work, pick her up from childcare, go shopping, cook dinner, do the washing, clean the house and feed, change and bath her before settling her at night. How much of that is he capable of if he crumbles in the face of putting a piece of salmon in the oven for 30 minutes?

Do not worry about his threats. But if you can even be arsed, have a civil conversation with him where you point out that if he can manage to not cause the break up of his family, he will only have to do about 50% of the above!

Is it really fair to be this hard on him? If this is all he has known as normal all his life then he doesn't know any better. Hasn't the OP actually enabled him so needs some of the blame?

Maybe with cooking withdrawn he will start to realise and start learning how to.

I lasted less than 2 months after giving birth with a 'man' who started behaving like this almost as soon as I got pregnant. He was abusive beforehand too but after that he treated me like shit daily. It's amazing how many of them have personality transplants when a child comes along.

About whether or not you could cope...you could. Definitely. He's doing very little now so it doesn't seem like you're relying on him for much. Money-wise, you can get help. And think of the money you'd end up saving on food. I used to spend about 150 quid on a big shop for me and the ex as his expectations were equally ridiculous. I spend about £40-50 now for me and DD.

Is it really fair to be this hard on him? If this is all he has known as normal all his life then he doesn't know any better. Hasn't the OP actually enabled him so needs some of the blame?

Nope, the OP does not need any of the blame. Her H is 32 sodding years old and if he didn't know when his wife got pregnant that things would change and that he would need to step up, then he deserves everything he gets.

FFS victim blaming!!!

Oh and my ex threw the custody threat too. They threaten you with what you care about most. Ex can't even be arsed seeing DD. Hasn't since she was 8mo.

In Irish folklore OP, there's a story taught in all primary schools about the Salmon of Knowledge. Legend has it that while cooking the salmon, Fionn burned his finger on the fat and sucked it, thereby absorbing all the wisdom of the salmon. And from that point on he became very wise and enlightened with all the knowledge of the world and grew up to be great.

Maybe that salmon in the freezer is the bradán feasa that's enlightened you, and bestowed wisdom on you.

Haha Aprille
Maybe the DH should cook it, can help him grow up a bit