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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DS off on Sports Day?

131 replies

NickNacks · 19/05/2016 20:59

I'm really upset so please be gentle if I am being unreasonable.

I had a call from Ds1 school today to say he'd had a break down (her words) in PE today. He was in such a state that the pastoral leader was called to calm him and she took him off to her office for a couple of hours.

The crux of it is, he's being bullied and today a comment about him probably not being strong enough to throw shot put as he was stepping up to take his go just made him snap and weeks of incidences and problems that he'd been bottling up just came flooding out.

He's been chosen by his house sports captain to run a race that he will almost definitely come last and he's so emotionally that I know it will make him cry on the sports field. Adding fuel to the fire if you will.

School are being very good. The pastoral leader has already spoken to the children involved (ironically these are his friends!) and referred Ds1 to a one to one therapy course in school aimed to boost his self esteem and support his emotional wellbeing. We are also working on this at home.

So would you (and should I....) keep him off school for sports day? I know it isn't right to avoid things we find hard but I just can't put him through it. Sad

Forgot to say he is 12, yr 7 but we are in a three tier system here so not at secondary (for some reason this always comes up when I talk about my children's schooling and I get moaned at for not mentioning it).

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 13:38

My experience was at high school. Primary school wasnt too bad.

Dieu · 20/05/2016 13:44

Sigh. You didn't. Another poster suggested doing so.
Hope your son is ok, NN.

bruffin · 20/05/2016 14:14

Nice bit of victim-blaming there.
I destest the phrase victim blaming, life is really not that simple. I was very proud of my dd's attitude after, watching a little madam in the previous race sulk because she came second.

For what it is worth neither of my dc or I are that confident, they have their problems, and my dd is a quirky type, but learning you cant be good at everything and it really doesnt matter if you come last or bottom in something is a good life lesson. I was a very quiet shy type.
Nicknacks
FIW DS had a bad time in year 7 because of his so called friends bullied him. But it was their problem not his and they ended up in serious trouble. They were just boys who had gone from a small school and were big fish in a small pond, finding out they were only minnows in a lake. They were just trampling on anyone they could to become one of the big fish again.
I wouldnt let ds off sports day, but i would maybe contact school to see if there is another job he can do, my ds was photographer for the day.

fusionconfusion · 20/05/2016 14:25

As a teenager who had a very tough time at 14 in school and was frequently breaking down in tears around the school to have it absolutely ignored by everyone (my mother was never even called about it), I think ignoring times when people are very distressed because it's a "life lesson" is not a great idea - if he's likely to cry in humiliation on the sports ground, that's not a good thing to set him up for.

I made a suicide attempt eventually because no one was paying the slightest bit of attention to my very visible ongoing distress. Let's not make it a small thing that young people suffer.

araiba · 20/05/2016 14:39

what a poor lesson to give your son

if you don't like something or are crap at it, just take the day off

you gonna do the same for exams? bad at history? no problem, just miss the exam

HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 14:46

araiba you just dont get it do you. History lessons arent held in a public arena like Sports Day is.

How about the schools take some responsibility and sort out the bullying.

To the PP who mentioned spelling bees I excelled at this too. And singing. Our school never held a spelling bee or a talent contest though.

bruffin · 20/05/2016 15:03

Op says the school are sorting out the bullying.

Muskey · 20/05/2016 15:08

I don't like peas or lamb. Therefore I can chose not to eat peas or lamb. This doesn't make me less of a person from walking away from them or saying no thank you. As parents we should be encouraging our dc to experience the good and the bad so that they become rounded individuals. However the equivalent of my peas and lamb example for some dc might be sports day. Taking a day when you are feeling so overwhelmed by something especially as a child is imo more beneficial than sucking up a potentially humiliating experience. Through out life there are loads of challenges we have to face, missing one sports day isn't going to mean that a dc will turn and walk away from every other challenge.

GreenBeans17 · 20/05/2016 16:44

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Original poster
NickNacks · 20/05/2016 16:48

'what a poor lesson to give your son'

No actually I think is showing him that his mental health and emotional wellbeing is more important than a running race. He doesn't opt out of anything. As I said his attendance is very good, he is doing very very well academically and he's being bullied to the point where he's made comments about 'not wanting to be here'. I want to protect him and show him that I will not allow him to feel worthless and humiliated.

OP posts:
phlebasconsidered · 20/05/2016 16:56

Ask if he can be an umpire or timekeeper. I always pick a few kids who I know are despairing of the day to do jobs and big it up in public. "Joe x, I know you wanted to be in the woo metres, but I'm deploying your accurate maths skills as results monitor. I need someone good at rounding decimals, sorry!"

I would never countenance bullying over PE. I have in fact just removed all our best players from the school team for the rest of the year for unsportsmanlike behaviour and lack of team spirit in PE lessons. Angry

It's just not on. I reward effort and personal improvement every PE lesson. Sports days are not about that, so children who cannot compete comfortably shouldn't be made to.

I always remind them that I personally was poop at competative events all the way through school. Then at 42 I started running and now run.half marathons regularly. I couldn't kick or catch a ball, I still can't ( I get the kids to demonstrate) but I'm most excellent at martial arts. The school sports are a small selection of sports. I wish I had the money and time to introduce my class to martial arts or archery, rowing, fencing or endurance running. There is a sport for everyone, but school sport is often not that sport.

That said, many of my less academic are super sporty. It's their chance to really go for it and they adore it. I'm just careful not to make it hideous for the others. I am at primary though, it's a whole lot easier to control as a teacher than Secondary sports.

AmysTiara · 20/05/2016 16:58

Poor lad. I'd keep him off.

yorkshapudding · 20/05/2016 17:01

I vividly remember lying awake all night feeling physically sick with worry the night before sports day. Looking back now, I can honestly say there was nothing even remotely 'character building' about the experience, it was just a completely unecessary source of anxiety. I didn't learn anything from it. I didn't gain anything from it. I just remember the humiliation.

Previous posters comparing the situation to allowing your child to miss an exam or subject lesson they're stressed out about or no good at are spectacularly missing the point. Exams have repercussions in the real world and for a young person's future. Sports day does not. There is a huge difference.

GreenBeans17 · 20/05/2016 17:05

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GiddyOnZackHunt · 20/05/2016 17:12

Keep him off unless the school are willing to give him an 'official' role. DD (ASD) assists in time keeping and admin at sports day. She'd expend more energy crying than in sporting activity. She's a great swimmer but rubbish at running, jumping and throwing. I was exactly the same and was forced into this nonsense every year. I would rather smack myself in the face with a piece of wood than play sport competitively these days.

NotYoda · 20/05/2016 17:14

i have and woulkd allow one of my DSs to stay off during Sports Day

chunkymum1 · 20/05/2016 17:15

if you don't like something or are crap at it, just take the day off

I think this misses the point. OP is not suggesting giving her DS the day off just because he is not good at sport, but because she fears he will be ridiculed for this.

As HelenaDove points out, other subjects at school do not include such a public display, or if they do (spelling bees etc) this is optional. Sadly I suspect that if her DS is already being picked on by other boys and they have already mentioned his lack of sporting ability then I suspect she is right that coming last in his event will make matters worse.

I had a similar experience many years ago where I was forced to run a race that I knew I would come last in. Not only the other children, but parents etc as well shouted abuse at me. Since the teachers would not address this my DM kept me off sports day after that and instead we did our own sporting activity (swimming usually). I think it was one of the best parenting decisions she ever made. It did not lead to me wanting to take time off for anything else but did show me that she understood how bad the incident made me feel and that she was on my side.

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/05/2016 18:35

I used to come last, i never found it humiliating. As i said above my dd came last with a big grin on her face. Why do people care so much

Good for you and your dd, but the fact is that most children can't do that, and unsurprisingly do tend to care when other children are standing around taunting them.

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/05/2016 18:39

I have in fact just removed all our best players from the school team for the rest of the year for unsportsmanlike behaviour and lack of team spirit in PE lesson

Go phlebas! How I wish more teachers were like you!

phlebasconsidered · 20/05/2016 20:36

You would not believe the parental flack. But once I had explained how they were behaving, most parents came round. I don't care that you play football outside of school in whatever team. In school, in my PE lesson, you get out in teams by me with a mixed ability and you don't bloody moan about it or sulk. That's not sportsmanlike. I now have the worst team ever got our inter school championship, but they are all super excited and up for it. I did a whole school assembly on why I picked my team, with lots of Invictus games clips and clips of footballers supporting each other. If you play in my team, you'd best be ready to be a proper team mate.

Evil teacher joy. Life lesson though. I asked them how many other teachers I CHOSE to work with. How many team mates Leicester CHOSE themselves. It's all learning to work to a common goal. I don't want selfish people on my team. It helps that my Deputy plays for the local Rugby team and backed me to the hilt.

Ambroxide · 20/05/2016 21:13

Phlebas, you sound brilliant.

Original poster
NickNacks · 20/05/2016 21:37

I agree, fab teaching.

OP posts:
Topseyt · 20/05/2016 22:22

Pleb, I soooo wish my school PE teachers could have been more like you. You keep that going.

I am nearly 50 now, so my school days were a fairly long time ago, but I have never forgotten the abject misery and humiliation of PE lessons and sports days.

For those of us who weren't naturally athletic, they were a very public humiliation in the name of "character building".

From that point of view, I totally feel for the OP's DS. If the school cannot find him another job to do in relation to sports day (messenger, score keeping etc.) then my temptation would be to keep him off, and I would never say that lightly.

Cagliostro · 20/05/2016 22:25

I have in fact just removed all our best players from the school team for the rest of the year for unsportsmanlike behaviour and lack of team spirit in PE lessons.

That is awesome. :)

megletthesecond · 21/05/2016 11:54

Brilliant phleb '... you get out in teams by me with a mixed ability and you don't bloody moan about it or sulk...' . Grin