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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep DS off on Sports Day?

131 replies

NickNacks · 19/05/2016 20:59

I'm really upset so please be gentle if I am being unreasonable.

I had a call from Ds1 school today to say he'd had a break down (her words) in PE today. He was in such a state that the pastoral leader was called to calm him and she took him off to her office for a couple of hours.

The crux of it is, he's being bullied and today a comment about him probably not being strong enough to throw shot put as he was stepping up to take his go just made him snap and weeks of incidences and problems that he'd been bottling up just came flooding out.

He's been chosen by his house sports captain to run a race that he will almost definitely come last and he's so emotionally that I know it will make him cry on the sports field. Adding fuel to the fire if you will.

School are being very good. The pastoral leader has already spoken to the children involved (ironically these are his friends!) and referred Ds1 to a one to one therapy course in school aimed to boost his self esteem and support his emotional wellbeing. We are also working on this at home.

So would you (and should I....) keep him off school for sports day? I know it isn't right to avoid things we find hard but I just can't put him through it.

Forgot to say he is 12, yr 7 but we are in a three tier system here so not at secondary (for some reason this always comes up when I talk about my children's schooling and I get moaned at for not mentioning it).

OP posts:

molyholy · 19/05/2016 21:38

My dd does plenty of exercise. We scoot or walk a mile and back to school each day. Walk the park. Dh takes her swimming every weekend.

just because kids don't like p.e. it doesn't mean they are unhealthy. It's ridiculous.

ohtheholidays · 19/05/2016 21:42

Yes let him stay off and I say that as someone who used to teach.

He's still a child you don't need to make him go to school to teach him a lesson on how to cope we all have to go through enough of that as adults.Whilst he's a child let him be a child and give him the buffer zone he obviously needs right now.

I hope the school steps up and sorts it all out and I hope your DS is feeling better now.Let him know that some of us that might have been bullied a bit as children can go onto be some of the most popular and liked adults amongst they're friends

HappyNevertheless · 19/05/2016 21:42

I would keep him out too if that's what he wants.

YY to doing your best to boost his self esteem but I would also look at sport he can do. NOT at school but so that he feels better in his own body and therefore more self confident when it comes to PE.
There are plenty of 'sport' he can do that aren't competitive or only competitive against yourself etc...

I have felt like this too as a child so I have made sure that my two dcs have had as much exposure to sports and outdoor stuff when they were little just to avoid that TBH.

Sapph1r3 · 19/05/2016 21:43

Keep him off, no question. Such a shame he came down with that virus.......

dunfightin · 19/05/2016 21:49

I would go and have a serious talk to school about what's going on. Isn't it about time that they stopped humiliating kids on sports day? Isn't shot putting quite hard to do in any case? I'm another sports failure, but by that age was acting the clown though underneath I'd have given anything to be good at just one event.
One DC is ok but not fantastic at sport and the other has a minor disability - so first one enjoys competing but not too bothered by not being first and for the other it's a question of completing the race. It hugely affects self-esteem so if there isn't a chance for for DS to do something else then have a lovely day instead

MadisonAvenue · 19/05/2016 21:50

Poor lad, keep him off. I remember the misery of PE lessons and sports day.

My son, he's Year 11, has always hated PE and would dread sports day. He was so happy last year when he realised that the one in Year 10 would be his last ever one and he was timetabled no PE at all in Year 11.
So what did he do this week? Spend his birthday money on joining the gym!

Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2016 21:55

Ask him what he wants to do. If he wants to stay off, let him stay off, if he wants to go in (unlikely) let him go in, and if he can be pulled from any specific race, then make that happen, please, but only if he wants to attend.

Hope it will be sorted soon.

Thinking of you.

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 21:57

Another one in favour of keeping him out. He's had a near-breakdown for goodness sake, it merits a day off sick anyway. It's so ridiculous making children do sports just so that they can come last. We don't humiliate them publicly when they do badly in maths or spelling, after all.

Dontyouopenthattrapdoor · 19/05/2016 22:01

I'd keep him off without blinking.
So and have a day celebrating his brilliance instead :)

TwoLittleBlooms · 19/05/2016 22:03

I would keep him off if he was my child. Why put an emotionally struggling child through something that is not academically necessary - it sports day (which I don't really agree with forcing the children to take part in anyway). His education won't suffer because he didn't take part in a race! Hope your boy (and you) are ok

applesandpears33 · 19/05/2016 22:03

I'd keep him off without hesitation, the same kids that bullied him about the shot put are likely to laugh at him about the race.

Spudlet · 19/05/2016 22:07

There is a whole world of sports that won't be taught in PE. So he can't run fast? So what? He might be a fantastic fencer, or a superb rider. He might be an amazing climber, or a brilliant rower. Or maybe he'll discover a love of walking, or outdoor swimming - who knows? There will almost certainly be something out there for him to love.

What would be really awful would be for PE lessons to put him off trying new activities. For that reason, I'd definitely consider keeping him off that day.

SallyMcgally · 19/05/2016 22:10

I'm keeping DS12 off on Sports Day. We're going to go out for lunch and do History instead. Everyone's happy. PE is a misery for him even though he's not bullied. He hates it. I really wish they'd introduce a scheme where kids could get stamps at local pool or gym to confirm they'd been there doing exercise, and leave PE for those who actually get something out of team sports.
Hope your DS is OK more generally. Those kids sound pretty spiteful.

serin · 19/05/2016 22:11

Agree with the other posters keep him off and do something else.

DS1 was exactly like your son in last year at primary and had been bullied by a horrible little gang. He is now 15 and is far taller and stronger than the ones who made his life miserable. Ironically he is also much better than any of them at sport and competes at county level in 2 sports.

Please don't give up on sport with your son, there is one out there that will suit him and when you find it his confidence will soar. Think alternatives, would he like judo, rowing, shooting, cricket, climbing, sailing, skiing or riding?

megletthesecond · 19/05/2016 22:18

In that situation I'd be tempted to keep him off too. Being bullied is wretched, but being able to have it done so publicly is worse.

I'd like to think the school will come down like a ton of bricks on the bullies but I'm not sure they ever do.

BerylStreep · 19/05/2016 22:18

Definitely keep him off.

I'm keeping DD off (year 6) just because sports day is on the bank holiday Monday at the end of May and we already have plans. DD isn't particularly sporty, so why on earth would we sacrifice our bank holiday Monday to send her to school for a half day for something which she isn't exceptionally good at?

Now, if we made all the parents take a day off work to watch DD & her cohort do a maths test it would be a different story ...

megletthesecond · 19/05/2016 22:26

Climbing might be good. I know a couple of kids who aren't stereotypically sporty but enjoy indoor climbing walls.

Clarissa69 · 19/05/2016 22:31

My DH is a PE teacher so I just asked him what would your advice be. He said that it's unfair to force a kid to run a race he doesn't want to. soeak to the head about it and say that you want him to be treated gently as he is emotionally vulnerable right now. Is there a way that he could participate where he wouldn't feel so openly vulnerable and if not, like some other pp's have said - keep him off. Not everyone likes sports and it's one day in his life. I feel for him - but as someone who got bullied for a short while - it does change and for the better. Tell him that and make sure (which I am sure you do) that it's ok to have a bad day now and then.

Spudlet · 19/05/2016 22:32

I'm going to plug riding... There is a lot of confidence to be gained from learning to work in partnership with half a tonne of flight animal. And it doesn't have to be competitive at all, you get just as much from hacking and schooling. And all the non-riding bits too - the horse care.

Clarissa69 · 19/05/2016 22:36

Flipping auto correct! Hope my post makes sense generally!

Ambroxide · 19/05/2016 22:38

Is he good at other things that he enjoys doing and are useful? I bet he is. I keep reminding my 9 yo DD that NOBODY is ever going to ask her how far she could swim (erm, zero metres) or how fast she could run (very very slowly, in fact not sure you could call it running) when she was 9. They might, OTOH, when she is an adult, be interested in the fact that she can cook delicious things, tell wonderful stories, play a musical instrument, be a good friend, make good jokes etc etc etc because people who can do that kind of thing are nice to be around. It's good to be good at sport, but it's also good to be good at other things that maybe aren't so important in one small bit of your life when you are at school. People who belittle others also are NOT nice to be around and frankly will at some point get their comeuppance on this.

It does help her, though no idea if things have gone too far for your son to be comforted by something like this.

I'm so sorry your son is being bullied and please do address this with the school. Could you tell your son all the things that he is good at that will be good for him for the whole of the rest of his life and tell him how proud you are of all those good things, not to mention the fact that he's been very brave about the bullying etc, which I am sure he has, and give him the choice? It's important to be resilient in the face of horrible stuff but it's also important to know that you have people on your side who will stick up for you when the going gets tough. At 12, maybe you can give him the choice of how resilient he can actually be about this? DD, being 9, is young enough for me to make the choice for her but perhaps your DS at 12 would be old enough to make his own choice (and actually, having control over it may make him feel more sanguine about any negative consequences either way).

greenfolder · 19/05/2016 22:39

Keep him off. I did with dd2. She could vaguely do sport but hated sports day with a passion from the first one at lower school. By the time we got to middle school I just told her she would never have to do another because literally weeks of summer term were taken up with her dreading it. She hated doing pe in front of others. Competitve sport taught by competitive people was how she described it. So year 6 I said that's it. I promise you can stay at home that one day a year. And that's what we did! Waste of a precious days holiday for me but ho hum.

thisishardwork · 19/05/2016 22:57

Feeling your pain. It's not just the day itself for us though but the practising beforehand causes anxiety too.

Hairyspiderinyourunderwear · 19/05/2016 23:01

Our primary decided to do sports day quite differently, they invited companies and clubs in to let the kids try things like endo boarding and other sports, they had throwing custard pies at the teachers events and various other sports that got everyone moving like hula hoop (and if you couldn't hula hoop you got to do it around your arm or foot) or running water back and forth in cups to try and fill a team bucket and water balloon team fights. They got a local smoothie place to donate mini smoothies to everyone who participated and had parents bring in food and paint faces. Each teacher had a team and that team dressed in that colour and the PE teacher chose kids from every class to be on that team so the teams were pretty balanced and the kids got to work with older and younger ones. My kids always looked forward to sports day and one is athletically gifted and one isn't. They spent the whole day involved in sports and movement but it wasn't about who was the best at anything but got everyone moving and having fun.

Hairyspiderinyourunderwear · 19/05/2016 23:03

running back and forth with cups of water... sorry that wasn't clear.

I would keep your kid off and ask school if they would consider doing a different style of sports day in future.

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