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Original poster

To keep DS off on Sports Day?

131 replies

NickNacks · 19/05/2016 20:59

I'm really upset so please be gentle if I am being unreasonable.

I had a call from Ds1 school today to say he'd had a break down (her words) in PE today. He was in such a state that the pastoral leader was called to calm him and she took him off to her office for a couple of hours.

The crux of it is, he's being bullied and today a comment about him probably not being strong enough to throw shot put as he was stepping up to take his go just made him snap and weeks of incidences and problems that he'd been bottling up just came flooding out.

He's been chosen by his house sports captain to run a race that he will almost definitely come last and he's so emotionally that I know it will make him cry on the sports field. Adding fuel to the fire if you will.

School are being very good. The pastoral leader has already spoken to the children involved (ironically these are his friends!) and referred Ds1 to a one to one therapy course in school aimed to boost his self esteem and support his emotional wellbeing. We are also working on this at home.

So would you (and should I....) keep him off school for sports day? I know it isn't right to avoid things we find hard but I just can't put him through it. Sad

Forgot to say he is 12, yr 7 but we are in a three tier system here so not at secondary (for some reason this always comes up when I talk about my children's schooling and I get moaned at for not mentioning it).

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 19/05/2016 23:09

That sounds great hairy.

My DD is ok, but not particularly sporty. She said to me today 'what's the point in running the 600m as there is no way I'm going to win or anything near it?'

She is completely right. The PE teacher has already chosen the main 'competitors' and is now allocating the remainder to fill the places.

Your school seems to have embraced a really inclusive way of enjoying team games together.

MidniteScribbler · 19/05/2016 23:18

My mother always made me go to sports days and I hated them. I wasn't any good at the sports they did and came last in everything. I compete in elite level sport in two other sports outside of school, so I wasn't unathletic, I just couldn't see the point in running fast around a track. Finally by my second last year of high school, my mother decided there was no need for me to attend, and she called the school, said I was sick, and we had a girls day out instead.

Keep him off, and I say that as a teacher. I don't buy this crap about 'he's got to learn to do unpleasant things in life'. A better lesson is that you can make choices when it is something completely unnecessary. I still hate sports day, a total waste of valuable teaching time that I could be doing more important things with my students.

VioletBam · 19/05/2016 23:23

Keep him off. It won't affect his future career. Why torture him?

I have a child who hates sports...it's AWFUL for them.

NeverNic · 19/05/2016 23:31

Agree with pp who suggested whether he could be removed from racing, and could either enjoy the day as a spectator or an official.

Prior to this, did your son like PE op? I'm generally pretty shit at anything they taught in PE lessons, but I mostly enjoyed being part of a team. I just hated the pressure of doing things in front of people - like being used to show a particular skill, and had a real fear of hurdles.

Cagliostro · 19/05/2016 23:43

Op some kids are sporty, others are not, it doesn't mean the ones who are not are going to end up obese and devoid of fresh air.

I agree with this, and with other comments about PE lessons being too focused on competitive team sports. It's such a shame as there's a lot more out there.

My DCs didn't really get on with team sports at school, particularly DS - he struggled with communication due to a speech disorder (and, it seems, ASD). Used to break my heart in the playground in the mornings, seeing him run up to his 'friends' asking to join in their kickabouts, only to be told no, you aren't good enough, go away. These were 5yo children Confused :(

Whereas now (they are now home ed) they do loads of active stuff - but it's competing against themselves that they enjoy. They do rock climbing, trampolining etc working through the levels, there's none of this nastiness and they all support and encourage each other to work hard at it. And they do work really hard! Harder, I'd say, than if they were standing in the corner of the field with nobody passing the ball to them because they weren't good enough.

Obviously I'm biased but I say keep him home. Thanks

fatmomma99 · 20/05/2016 00:39

I'll be flamed for this, given the mood of the thread, but I'll say it anyway:

What's your DS's attendance? Schools will want it to be above 96%. But they'll live with it if it's in the 90s. Once it falls below 90% (which equates to almost a day off every week) his attendance will be too low.

So I'd say if your DS has generally good attendance, then keep him off if this is hard for him.
If his attendance is low anyway, then you are facilitating by keeping him off more, which will do him no favours in the long term (and def in the world of work) so you should send him in.

I'll don hard hat now and go away!

manicinsomniac · 20/05/2016 01:01

Keeping him off would be a last resort for me. First I would want school to be proactive in the issues of a) the bullying b) his confidence and c) his ability. I would ask them to ensure he does not have to run a race which is beyond him ability wise and will lead to humiliation. I would want the bullying properly investigated and tackled. I would want his form or personal tutor to talk with him about what he feels he is good at, what he would like to improve and how he could do it. If the school could not come through on any of these strategies then I would let him stay off. Probably. Unless the sports day is a house competition. Ours is and everybody gets points by taking part (so 1 point for being in race, 3 for 3rd, 5 for 2nd and 8 for 1st, for eg) If this is the case then it might worsen the bullying problems as the children will be very aware that he isn't really ill.

Your son's case is different because he is being bullied. But I don't like the general idea that children should be able to stay out of sports day because they don't like or aren't good at sport. Rarely if ever do I find non musical children backing out of House Music. No child has ever refused to perform in one of my productions, however small a part they have to be given. No child has ever been allowed not to sit academic exams, however differentiated the papers need to be. Occasionally I've known children refuse to do House Recitation and Debating type competitions but even that is much rarer than the number who do not turn up to Sports Day. I don't understand why parents think it's ok for sport but not for music, drama, reading, academic lessons etc. It's all part of education and it's all valuable.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 01:15

I had similar when i was at school and this was back in the "80s.

I had the always picked last thing too.
In fact it went a bit further than that. At the end of the choosing teams bit they used to fight over NOT having me on the team
"no you have Dark we had to have her last time" etc.
Both PE teachers knew what was going on and did FUCK ALL.
So i walked out of a PE lesson and refused to take part any more until the teacher sorted out the bullying. (did her fucking job)
A couple of years later the same bastard kids who were treating me like shit asked me to take part in the relay on sports day cos they didnt have enough people to do it.
I wondered why they were asking me if i was so shit at it.
They said they were one short and just needed me to make up the numbers.
So i then said "but you will be moaning and having a go at me if i cant run fast enough"
"oh we wont" they insisted.
Well going by past experience and the way you have treated me in PE lessons i think thats bollocks.
So i refused to do it and to this day im proud that i stood my ground and refused to be used by them!

HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 01:28

manic the problem lies in the fact that if someone is bullied in the classroom over their ability in Maths or Science in front of the teacher it is nipped in the bud by them. #

On the sports field it seems to either be ignored by most PE teachers or condoned and thought of as "character building"

HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 01:30

Cake it sounds like the school you went to could do with some learning of their own.........like sportsmanship and what it actually means.

TheNewStatesman · 20/05/2016 02:13

"What's your DS's attendance? Schools will want it to be above 96%. But they'll live with it if it's in the 90s. Once it falls below 90% (which equates to almost a day off every week) his attendance will be too low.

So I'd say if your DS has generally good attendance, then keep him off if this is hard for him.
If his attendance is low anyway, then you are facilitating by keeping him off more, which will do him no favours in the long term (and def in the world of work) so you should send him in."

I don't really understand this point. So what if the kid's attendence were to fall below 90%? How would this do him no favors?

The school may not like it, but frankly I don't have a lot of sympathy because maybe they shouldn't be running their sports day in a way that makes people want to bunk off.

manicinsomniac · 20/05/2016 02:33

Helena - That may have been a problem once but I haven't met a PE teacher who wouldn't be absolutely horrified by that comment since the 1990s. They're teachers just like any other, ime.

HelenaDove · 20/05/2016 02:40

Cakes experience was only 13 years ago so 2003.

And im willing to bet there are other recent experiences too.

CocktailQueen · 20/05/2016 07:28

I would keep your kid off and ask school if they would consider doing a different style of sports day in future.

But Spider, that's not fair to the dc who are good at sport. For many, it may be their one chance in the year to shine! Not fair to take that away from them.

bruffin · 20/05/2016 07:36

Sports day is what you make it.
My dd came last in running races with a big grin on her face and said " some has to be last"
Sports day is only a nightmare if you make it so.

manicinsomniac · 20/05/2016 07:42

Helena there are always going to be isolated case of poor teaching and mistreatment of kids across all subjects and all schools. That sad reality is nothing to do with PE teaching.

But you said most . And now you say willing to bet That's totally unfair and an unfounded slur on the whole profession. I'm sorry you had a bad experience of school PE (mine wasn't great either) but to use that to condemn thousands of professional, hard working, dedicated teachers up and down the country is wrong. Maybe I'm sensitive towards my colleagues because I also teach a practical, confidence building subject that's not everyone's 'thing' (performing arts) but it makes me sad to read things like that and then think of the hours put in by my colleagues to bring every child on and make them confident, enthusiastic and proficient.

Andrewofgg · 20/05/2016 07:55

What is it about schools and sports and Sports Days?

If a child is no good at reading aloud (I was crap at that) or using a foreign language (good at that!) we don't make them do it in front of the whole school and a lot of the parents too. Only in sport - I was crap at that of course.

When the swine boy who led the jeering at me and the other non-runners got eight for fraud it was a very special day for me!

AugustaFinkNottle · 20/05/2016 07:59

Manic, children won't back out of House Music because (I assume) you're probably shoving the non-musical types harmlessly in a choir or banging a drum. They won't back out of productions because you really can't go far wrong spear-carrying at the back of the stage. They won't refuse to sit exams because (I assume) you're not going to tell the class if an individual does badly.

Do you not see that with sports days it's the public humiliation factor which leads parents to keep pupils out? Given that some schools can run sports days in a way which avoids that whilst still giving sporty types a chance to shine, I think it's quite shameful that others aren't apparently capable of that.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 20/05/2016 08:09

Agree with posters comparing with other pursuits like music and drama. It's not the same, and the public humiliation factor is not there. Tone deaf people aren't made to sing solo for everyone to hear!

Plus they aren't competitive, so there's no 'letting the team down' if you happen to be rubbish at it.

Op I would keep him off on the basis of anxiety.

lljkk · 20/05/2016 08:14

I've been humiliated in musical things because I was so awful & the other kids relished any opportunity to bully me. But to be fair, it wasn't a performance!! Just group singing.

DD's secondary school, only a small minority compete on sports day. The rest take support & cheerleading roles.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 20/05/2016 08:14

Also I don't know how common it is for all kids to be forced onto a stage. Isn't it usually voluntary or auditions for those things?

Kids should have opportunities to showcase their talents that that have. Not frog marched around doing something they know they are no good at in front of the whole school and parents. It's barbaric IMO.

The number of people i know of who still remember the humiliation and for whom it out them off exercise and sport for a long time is quite telling.

Let kids find their strengths instead of expecting them to be sporty? Maybe the one who is rubbish at shot put is a great swimmer or horse rider or does yoga every morning or can cycle up the side of a mountain?! Drives me mad.

Spudlet · 20/05/2016 08:24

It took me years to get over PE lessons and to start enjoy exercise. And I still won't do any sort of class or group thing. I run in the middle of nowhere so nobody can see.

Original poster
NickNacks · 20/05/2016 08:45

Thank you for all your comments.

It really has cemented in my mind that I will keep him off. He's very academic and as someone said, no one parades the less good at maths children out in front of the whole school and parents to see them do mental arithmetic. He is perfectly active in other areas, bike riding, swims beautifully and enjoys golf with his dad. He just can't run or throw!

His attendance is almost 100% with just one day off so far this academic year. Even if it wasn't I wouldn't feel differently.

He's left for school this morning looking anxious about what the day will bring. I am about to email the school and ask that a very close eye is kept on him. He made worryingly disclosures to the PL yesterday which has me very concerned.

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 20/05/2016 08:52

Hope he's OK today, OP.

The root causes clearly need addressing, and I hope school are on that now, but keeping him off for Sports Day is a no brainer. What it demonstrates is your unconditional support for him.

Muskey · 20/05/2016 08:55

Op I have let DD off two sports days when she was in primary school. She was being bullied not particularly about sports but just things in general. Sports day was making her feel anxious so I just said she could stay at home that day. TBH I was glad I did it as the prospect of sitting next to all the really competive mums listening to how their little Johnny was amazing at sport filled me with dread. Not to mention the same mums and dads lining up for the parents races you'd swear it was the Olympics. The competitiveness was surreal.