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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think something is wrong here?

30 replies

seeingflags · 18/05/2016 23:57

I recently began a relationship with a man overseas (within Europe). Things were seemingly fine at first, and aside from a few small issues that needed clearing up my first visit went swimmingly,
In the time between my first and second visit a lot of discrepancies in stories I had been told and information available popped up and it has been difficult to get to the bottom of situations. After some online snooping to try and find the truth I thought I had the full story. fast forward to my second visit and he wasn't as emotionally available as he'd previously been, he seemed withdrawn and was hiding his phone away.
Since I've come back to the UK more lies and arguments have been happening and every time I have been promised honesty from now on there has been yet another problem.
Breaking point came today when he messaged me telling me he thinks we should break up, and when I agreed and gave no fight he turned the tables on me and told me I needed to forgive him while he changed for the better and once again promised me complete honesty.
Sorry for the super long post but I'm at a loss for what to do. I want to believe there may be hope, as there is love on my side, but I'd like some opinions of others to gauge whether I'm wearing rose tinted glasses or whether my concern that there will be no change is well placed.

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
Sighing · 19/05/2016 00:02

Breaking point came today when he messaged me telling me he thinks we should break up, and when I agreed and gave no fight he turned the tables on me and told me I needed to forgive him

You missed an escape route there. Do that. Or, if you've not responded just leave it now.
This might be one for relationships.

FamousSeamus · 19/05/2016 00:02

OP, listen to yourself. This is supposed to be the easy part! The loved-up, uncompromising, romantic, too-early-for-problems part. Not a tissue of lies, false truths, shorthaul travel and emotional manipulation. How can you possibly be in love this soon, let alone with someone who is already treating you so badly? If you're ok with this kind of aggro, at least find someone local to screw with your head!

19lottie82 · 19/05/2016 00:03

Although your post is pretty vague (I'm guessing he was seeing someone else?), definitely cut ties with this guy.

If you want a LTR to work you need to have trust and it sounds like there is none here.

Sighing · 19/05/2016 00:03

Run. In summary. Run.

Vickyyyy · 19/05/2016 00:09

Ditch him and be happy you dodged that bullet.

Just from your OP he sounds like a control freak, was clearly wanting you to get all upset and beg him to stay with you or something :/

beetroot2 · 19/05/2016 00:09

In a nutshell, your in some sort of long distance relationship-ish with a cheat. Why do that to yourself?

BoffinMum · 19/05/2016 00:11

Totally run, you deserve more than this nonsense.

Original poster
seeingflags · 19/05/2016 00:16

19lottie82 It looks like he wasn't entirely faithful in between my visits, and has a history of cheating, but there's nothing I can find to indicate he was actually seeing someone else when we began our relationship.
Sorry to drip feed, I just didn't want to make a ridiculously long post full of potentially irrelevant information.

OP posts:
Iknownuffink · 19/05/2016 00:28

Are you financially stable?

Is he younger than you?

Does he need a visa?

Original poster
seeingflags · 19/05/2016 00:32

Iknownuffink
I'm financially stable enough to have a very small place of my own.
He is 6 years younger, and I'm not sure about the VISA although lately he has been dropping more and more comments about us living together in the near future.

OP posts:
booklooker · 19/05/2016 00:34

run for the hills.

But then you know that already, don't you?

bridgetoc · 19/05/2016 00:36

LDR...... Why bother! Ditch this loser and find someone local!

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2016 00:46

" I want to believe there may be hope, as there is love on my side, but I'd like some opinions of others to gauge whether I'm wearing rose tinted glasses or whether my concern that there will be no change is well placed."
Those glasses are so rose-tinted I'm surprised you can see through them at all. And frankly the love on your side is not love, it is infatuation with a dash of excitement. It's an easy mistake to make.

Walk away, there's already been lies, arguments and blatant attempts to manipulate you (which he backtracked on immediately when it didn't work). This is a new relationship, it shouldn't be this much work!

MardyGrave · 19/05/2016 00:49

In the kindest possible way, don't continue to make a fool of yourself.

DailyMailFodder · 19/05/2016 00:56

Oh dear, he sounds like a chancer/scammer.

OP, have you given him any money or presents?

Why on earth would you pursue a relationship with someone who as lied to you and that you argue with? That seems crazy Confused. I'd rather be single.

If I were you I'd delete all his contact details and block his number, email and Facebook accounts etc etc

Original poster
seeingflags · 19/05/2016 00:56

booklooker Deep down yes, but I didn't want my heart to stop me for once. I needed someone rational to confirm.

OP posts:
MyDobbygotgivenasock · 19/05/2016 00:58

Really?
Save yourself a lot of aggro and being mugged off and ditch the manipulative, lying, long distance cheat.
Then recalibrate your bullshitometer so you don't accept such behaviour in the future, let alone decide you love the person doing it. Self respect, keep it high.

OydNeverDeclinesGin · 19/05/2016 01:05

I read the OP only

DUMP.

A new relationship should be fun and exciting. Save your energy for someone who is worth it.

Iknownuffink · 19/05/2016 01:15

Op you know what you have to do.

Block all contact with him on all social media, phone, email.

Look upon it as a lesson learned.

blankmind · 19/05/2016 01:41

seeingflags what advice would you give to someone in a new relationship who had said the following things to you?

" aside from a few small issues that needed clearing up "
" a lot of discrepancies in stories I had been told and information available popped up and it has been difficult to get to the bottom of situations"
" he wasn't as emotionally available as he'd previously been, he seemed withdrawn and was hiding his phone away."
" more lies and arguments have been happening and every time I have been promised honesty from now on there has been yet another problem."
"Breaking point came today when he messaged me telling me he thinks we should break up, and when I agreed and gave no fight he turned the tables on me and told me I needed to forgive him while he changed for the better and once again promised me complete honesty."

You'd tell them to run for the hills, wouldn't you?

Original poster
seeingflags · 19/05/2016 01:48

Thank you all for the advice. I've taken on board the opinions of you all (which seeing as you are all of the same opinion says so much to me), and have ended the relationship.

OP posts:
AdjustableWench · 19/05/2016 01:58

Dishonesty at the beginning of a relationship is one of the biggest red flags there can be. That and outright aggression. It won't get any better or easier. There are plenty of other men who are kind, honest and decent. Stop wasting your time on an arsehole.

AdjustableWench · 19/05/2016 01:59

Oops, sorry - I type too slowly!
Good decision. And better luck next time.

manicinsomniac · 19/05/2016 02:04

Well done, good decision.

He's seeking out women from other countries online to date ... statistically, he's not going to be the most stable and reliable of people! You're well rid.

Katie0705 · 19/05/2016 02:19

Leopards don't change their spots. Get away from him now, and find some you can genuinely trust. You are worth and deserve much more than some lying toe-rag. Best of luck

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