Another wedding one (no kids)

[upontheroof66]

Niece is getting married in September. They live about 200 miles away so we will have to stay over at least one night. We have 3dds and they are not invited.
Now I know it's up to them who they invite but aibu to be abit disappointed.
Arranging childcare will be a nightmare as my do has no family who can help.

Dh and I went to a wedding in a village in El Salvador. The whole village turned out and the church was packed. It's traditional apparently and they chose to marry in that particular village because the community comes to celebrate. In days of yore, the whole community went to weddings so to a certain extent, it's engrained in our society as well.

It's their day so their rules I guess. But like another poster I do wonder what has happened to society when people are so fixated on the show of a perfect wedding rather than celebrating with family and friends (including their kids) weddings are expensive enough as it is for guests and I often wonder what people think they are going to actually do with their kids whilst they celebrate in some overpriced castle in the middle of nowhere and ask guests to stay over to help foot the Bill of the exclusive use. Weddings have gone absolutely mental. Ours was in a church and local hotel. Most people had to travel to us as we have moved about a lot.so logically they had to bring kids. They were specifically invited. Our vicar let it be known it was no issue if noise was made. What was important to us was our family and friends who had supported us so far in life would see us married and celebrate with us after. Who cares if a baby cries or a kid announced they need the loo in the middle of the speeches? It's not exactly going to wreck re day or even minute it occurs. We have no one to look after our DS overnight. I personally would decline or DH and son come with you and make it a weekend away for all of you and you just go to the ceremony and some of the reception

I think within a friendship group getting cross about 'no kids' weddings can often be unfair on those who get married a bit later. If you get married in your 20s you get a wedding with few kids because no one has them yet (or maybe you get a couple of cute babies); get married in your 30s and you either ban children (which is apparently devastating ) or end up with a room of them and half as many friends.

Venues are not helping the situation here with their ridiculous charges. Someone posted earlier that their wedding was costing £100 a head so they were going child free to ease the budget - seriously, a venue is charging £100 for a child who will be eating a plate of chicken and chips and drinking squash most likely? If so, I wouldn't be booking that place on principle. I would go somewhere less gouging that doesn't push me to make divisive decisions about who to invite.

When I sent out invites to my wedding, which was a child-friendly wedding, I put Mr and Mrs X and family on the invites so that it was clear children were invited. If you're kids aren't named, or there is no 'and family', then I'd assume children were not invited.

"The world won't end if DC have someone else look after them for one night."

Likewise it won't end if Op doesn't go or Op goes alone.

The couple will still be married-which is the whole point of the day!

From Debrett's -" Omitting children's names excludes them from the wedding invitation."

MargaretCavendish I've explained my reason for my belief my DD would be devastated. I could also say to the adults stating this is unacceptable for a child to feel that way. Children are allowed their feelings in the same way that the bride and groom are allowed theirs. Frankly, the people hoisting up their judgy pants about such comments would do well to take a look at themselves as this is just the opposite side of the argument of those hoisting us their judgy pants in disapproval of child free weddings. An inability to understand others reasoned view is fine. An inability to accept it is not.

Whilst I would respect someone's decision, I think that a wedding is about two families joining together and it seems really weird not to celebrate as a whole family. I would bear this in mind when booking the venue.

I would also say that I would not assume kids are not invited if not mentioned by name on the invite, I think it's fairly common to just address their parents.

For the OP, I would probably take kids and organise a babysitter in the hotel. I would then arrange to meet up with family before the wedding or the next day, so that the kids get to see family.

I think it is irksome when it's done so that children are left out as an easy way of lowering the bill. for example my DDs oldest cousin is late twenties, the youngest six. Inviting only adult cousins would indicate the little one is less important and feel unfair.

Of course it is what the B&G want but I think it's sensible to be fair.

From Debrett's -" Omitting children's names excludes them from the wedding invitation."

This is irrelevant. What matters is what is the common way of doing things in a particular community or family.

I've mentioned previously that invites where I come from are mainly addressed to the adult couple of a household, with the children of the family being included, without being specifically named.

So, if in doubt it won't hurt to check. The vast majority of the people I know, the people who actually write the invites, will never have read Debretts, and will never give a stuff what it says.

Furthermore, I'm sure there are many many people who've never even heard of Debretts.

"What matters is what is the common way of doing things in a particular community or family."

That's a very good point.

Op has said that she thinks that her children aren't invited as their names are not on the invitation-so that is her way of doing things and presumably the way of the couple inviting?

So why is she being told to just ask to make sure??!!

It was the way I did my invitations but then I included family children. One did squeal during best man speech but it added to the day and made people laugh. My dn is of a different generation so not sure if she is doing it that way.
My brother is going to discreetl find out their wishes on the pretext that we need to know how many nights accommodation we need to book. I without kids or 2 with.

In this case though there aren't masses of children just 3. Plus I always intend for dh to take them home after the wedding breakfast leaving the Evening Reception an adult affair.
Still dh wants to go so we will have to arrange some childcare either back home or near the venue if they aren't invited
Sadly some family members have been priced out of this wedding due to the expensive area and transport costs.
We are fortunate that we can drive so have been able to source cheaper accommodation.

When I say Home I mean hotel.

Still shocked by 100 per head for children. Our wedding was 15 Years ago but DC were half price. Think we paid about about 20 per child including drinks.

Then you shouldn't invite any cousins - you shouldn't favour one cousin over another I don't think.

Yes I guess that is the issue. The grown up cousins are all invited but my DC being younger appear not to be invited

Op in your case (only kids on either side) and having to travel a fair enough distance requiring an overnight, i would def ask if they are invited or not.
I say this as someone getting married in just over 7 weeks and having a mostly child free wedding. The exceptions to the child free rule for us are our children obviously, our nephews (we don't have any neices), babes in arms and for the rellies who have to travel and stay overnight. Which are a couple of aunts and uncles plus my 2 cousins and their partners and kids. I wouldn't dream of asking them to leave the kids at home given the distance etc.
I didn't put the kids names on their invotes however. I simply forgot. Once they went out i did let my cousins know that the kids were more than welcome and why the kifs names weren't on the invites.
After doing out invites for over 200 guests (180 are family) i just wasn't thinking about kids names and was happy to finally be finished doing the sodding things and couldn't wait to be rid of them lol.
I certainly wouldn't have been offended or put out if my cousins got in touch to double the check if kids were invited or not.
For those of you who have said wedding are about family and kids are part of those families i fully agree but not everyone can afford to invite kids. We certainly can't.
All my cousins (and dfs) are grown up and most have young children. If we were to invite them all it would put numbers up well ovee 300 and our venue just doesn't have that capicity. Not only that but we can't afford it. Our choice of venue was limited as we stayed local to keep costs down for the majority of family. Its €60 per head. There's 100 sitting to dinner plus all our cousins which is another 120 invited to the evening do. Not the done thing on MN i know, however it is the done thing in our families as we are both from very large irish families and none of us could ever afford to pay €15k just for venues so that all rellies could attend the full day including the smallies. Which is why under the circumstances i mentioned above we have all always checked with whichever cousin was getting married at the time.

Please excuse the typos/grammer, I apparently can't spell/type this morning.

I know you said you have no family to help out with the youngest two but what about a friend? In the past when my friends children were young I have had them sleepover at my house so mum and dad could have a mini break?
If not I would go by myself.