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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one (no kids)

152 replies

upontheroof66 · 18/05/2016 20:56

Niece is getting married in September. They live about 200 miles away so we will have to stay over at least one night. We have 3dds and they are not invited.
Now I know it's up to them who they invite but aibu to be abit disappointed.
Arranging childcare will be a nightmare as my do has no family who can help.

OP posts:
whois · 19/05/2016 08:55

I have always thought that invitations like that - parents but not kids, abroad but during the week, etc. is a concealed way to invite the people but actually not really wanting them on the wedding.
I can't even imagine inviting people with kids without their kids. What are the kdis going to do? Look after themselves while mum and dad are away?

Never heard of a babysitter??? Got people are so precious about their children, your friends are friends with you not your little darlings and the B&G are within their rights to have an adult celebration if that's what they wish.

I'd take the kids with me, find a nice child friendly hotel pref with a pool and get a babysitter for the wedding and party.

Original poster
upontheroof66 · 19/05/2016 09:08

The thing is I have no problem with child free weddings normally. I have been to several and even got a babysitter for an evening do where kids were invited. The difference in those situations were that they were local or were friends so we had people who could sit.
I think I may just go on my own.

OP posts:
Pootles2010 · 19/05/2016 09:13

Yep i'm going to one next month exactly the same - no kids, all family will be there so can't babysit, so going on my own.

I cannot bloody wait. I've booked a room in a lovely hotel that does nice breakfasts and has a lovely pool, so lovely wedding followed by lie in in ginormous bed on my own, swim then hotel breakfast - amazing!

TheNaze73 · 19/05/2016 10:04

Sounds like a plan Pootles I hope you enjoy it & the quiet. I think it's very healthy to do stuff like that in a relationship & not be sickeningly joined permanently at the hip

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 10:09

"Do not ask your neice!! I know so many people who would feel put on the spot by that question and agree, it's about her/her dp, not your children. Decline or arrange childcare."

This annoys me no end, ask the question, otherwise how will you know?

Do it as a text/email (so she is not 'put on the spot') in a 'breezy' way and say either way is fine, but you are trying to arrange stuff and just need to know

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2016 10:11

This annoys me no end, ask the question, otherwise how will you know?
She presumably knows already because it is clear from the wedding invitation.

lalalalyra · 19/05/2016 10:19

She presumably knows already because it is clear from the wedding invitation.

That's not always the case though. Twice in the last year I've been to weddings after receiving, what seemed like, clear invitations. Last month I arranged childcare for a friend's wedding and the first thing she said when I arrived at the reception was "Where are the kids?" - turned out they thought you just put adult names on the invitation, but assumed everyone knew kids were invited. Then the next wedding the invitation was just addressed to me. I declined (was massively pregnant, DH was home and PIL were on holiday) and I got an upset phoned call from the bride and again it turned out we were all invited - she was mostly upset because she had planned to ask DS (her godson) to do a reading, but she didn't want to pressure us if we were going to be away or anything.

So invitations aren't always clear.

PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2016 10:23

The op doesn't seem to be in any doubt at all though. I didn't mean all invitations are clear (I've advised others to check when there's been some ambiguity) but that doesn't seen to be the case here.

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 10:37

Do we know that the DC definitely haven't been invited? in this case, I totally agree with you - DO NOT ASK!

I thought there was some doubt because they hadn't been named on the invite - my bad for not reading the OP properly? Sorry

OP - how do you know they have not been invited

Janecc · 19/05/2016 10:52

There was a thread about this exact same topic early this morning and the op did actually sent a text to the relative. The Dc was invited and had been missed off the invitation. It doesn't hurt to ask and for all those people, who get annoyed at being repeatedly asked this question, perhaps it would be wise in future to leave a note in the initial invite explaining your decision to have a child free wedding.

Pootles2010 · 19/05/2016 10:54

Maybe say 'it'll just be me because DP will look after kids at home', then if she meant kids too, it gives her a chance to say.

andadietcoke · 19/05/2016 11:07

I spent ages with newly engaged friends the other night trying to subtly tell them it was okay, and we wouldn't be upset, and would still come if they wanted a child free wedding. I wondered as I was doing it whether I would have even considered that conversation before I was on MN.

If you want to go, go. If childcare is going to be too difficult, don't, and explain why without guilt tripping the couple. In fact, on second thoughts, just politely decline.

FrozenAteMyDaughter · 19/05/2016 11:14

We went to a family wedding like this - where children were not invited but it was a long way from home. We booked a house with my parents and brother for the weekend. DH looked after DD for most of the day and the dinner, and then my parents went back to the house and DH joined us for the bar and dancing part of the evening. He was happy with that and so were my parents and we all enjoyed the rest of the weekend as a family, but obviously that wouldn't work for everyone.

Jenjen86 · 19/05/2016 11:21

Not really answering the question here but getting a but of my chest instead that both my mum and sister got married last year and neither one of them invited me to their weddings. My mum didn't want a big thing as its her second wedding which I understand but she didn't even tell me she was getting married. I get on well with them both and am close to my sister (she would describe me as the closest person to her in the family) but she said she wanted tokeep it small but in the end my parents both went and my dad invited my brother because he didn't realise he wasn't supposed to go so I ended up being the only family member not there. I was quite hurt but not sure if I'm BU either as it is their day in the end.

Original poster
upontheroof66 · 19/05/2016 11:45

I am basing it on the fact their names aren't on invitation. Thank you for replies

OP posts:
Original poster
upontheroof66 · 19/05/2016 11:46

I would be hurt too jen

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 19/05/2016 11:56

I am basing it on the fact their names aren't on invitation. Thank you for replies

In that case you could send a text saying something like you were just checking that the kids aren't invited (it honestly doesn't matter either way) because you're going to book a single room for the wedding and it would be a bit of a squash if you've read the invite wrong.

The child free weddings I've been to have all been super clear that there are no kids going and had a little apology to parents. You'd be justified in checking.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/05/2016 12:06

DH cousin got married. We received a letter explaining why the kids weren't invited. Neither of us went as all babysitter options were at the wedding. We went on holiday but I do wonder if we shouldn't have and if DH should have gone to the wedding.

Goingtobeawesome · 19/05/2016 12:11

Pootles - has the perfect response. Should be stickied!

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 12:13

so you dont know for sure they are not invited then?

send a text

Only1scoop · 19/05/2016 12:14

If their names aren't on the invite

They aren't invited.

Only1scoop · 19/05/2016 12:15

Cringe at sending a text to BTB

Only1scoop · 19/05/2016 12:16

Cringe at any hints also

If she wanted your three DC there the invite would state so.

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 12:16

as lalalalyra says

That's not always the case though. Twice in the last year I've been to weddings after receiving, what seemed like, clear invitations. Last month I arranged childcare for a friend's wedding and the first thing she said when I arrived at the reception was "Where are the kids?" - turned out they thought you just put adult names on the invitation, but assumed everyone knew kids were invited. Then the next wedding the invitation was just addressed to me. I declined (was massively pregnant, DH was home and PIL were on holiday) and I got an upset phoned call from the bride and again it turned out we were all invited - she was mostly upset because she had planned to ask DS (her godson) to do a reading, but she didn't want to pressure us if we were going to be away or anything.

ThatsMyStapler · 19/05/2016 12:18

Seriously, are you adults or not?

What is the harm of sending a text to check, you give her time to think about saying yes or no, you're not putting her on the spot -

Just a simple, "just checking if DCs invited or not as not clear on the invite, lots of love OP"