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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another wedding one (no kids)

152 replies

upontheroof66 · 18/05/2016 20:56

Niece is getting married in September. They live about 200 miles away so we will have to stay over at least one night. We have 3dds and they are not invited.
Now I know it's up to them who they invite but aibu to be abit disappointed.
Arranging childcare will be a nightmare as my do has no family who can help.

OP posts:
Powaqa · 20/05/2016 19:24

I had a child free wedding too. No exceptions for family children etc. This was purely because of my brother's children. They are feral and he refuses to take any parental responsibility for them. Because of the behaviour of my nieces and nephews I couldn't invite any children as it would have caused a bigger family ruckus then it did. I had over 150 invited guests and they all came.

expatinscotland · 20/05/2016 19:46

I can see why some people have childfree weddings. Some adults let their kids run wild and think it's cute or endearing. I've been to weddings where children calling out ruined the ceremony and the parents didn't take them out.

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 19:52

Weddings are joyful occasions & I think children bring joy

This sentiment is lovely but your children don't bring everyone joy. I know that my lad doesn't bring everyone joy and if he started squawking during the ceremony people have every right to be pissed off. Then there's the parents who try to sit there shushing whilst the baby gets increasingly louder. Or the little boy who says 'mummy i need a wee' as loud as you like.

I'd rather not have the worry of other people's children on ONE day.

Janecc · 20/05/2016 20:11

DD would be devastated if we went to a wedding of one of our friends she knows without her. She's an only child and very sociable. I don't know what I would do in this situation. Luckily we've never had to make that decision. It never would have occurred to me to have a childless wedding. We are all different.

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 20:13

How old is your DD that she would be 'devastated' Confused in fact at any age being devastated that your parents are going to an adult affair is a bit strange.

deedeegee · 20/05/2016 20:14

Wanted a no child wedding but my Father insisted on relatives' children coming- in the end it wasn't a problem.. Then when invited to friend's wedding & I had 6month old baby were specifically told not to bring baby, but were able to pop home to bfeed in between times otherwise would not have gone. Think it's not a big deal in real terms so long as parents keep kids under control!

2catsnowaiting · 20/05/2016 21:45

Grays - my girls would also be "devastated" if we went to a wedding they weren't invited to. They are 8 and 10 and have barely ever been to a wedding in their lives because either they weren't invited, or the wedding was abroad or similar. They love dressing up (they have loads of lovely dresses they get no opportunity to wear as most kids parties seem to be at soft play or wildlife parks), and they love dancing, so why wouldn't they love a wedding? Plus they love looking at grownups wearing lovely dresses etc.

Personally I don't consider a wedding "an adult affair", I consider it a family affair and part of the charm (IMHO) is that a spread of generations are there. When people say they couldn't invite kids as it would raise the numbers and mean they couldn't invite other people, I'm sceptical. Apart from the scenario of an actual maximum headcount for a venue, it actually wouldn't cost much to invite kids, surely any venue or caterer worth its salt could provide a kids meal eg pasta or chicken and chips pretty cheaply and a LOT cheaper than an adult meal, plus they are not drinking wine are they?

Admittedly when I got married I didn't know loads of people with kids, but we had cousins, and some friends' kids there. Apart from the very small ones who sat with their parents, we had a kids table so they all sat together and entertained each other (next door to the parents' tables so they could keep an eye) One of my favourite pictures/memories of the evening is my young cousin who was a bridesmaid twirling round with her skirt flying out.

As far as disturbing the ceremony is concerned, if you're not convinced the parents have enough sense to do this anyway, you could have a word beforehand, asking them to take a young child outside if they become noisy or disruptive. (Our head teacher says the same at the beginning of school plays) Most parents would surely do this anyway. There is no way I would sit there with my child screaming in a ceremony.

flappingbingowings · 20/05/2016 21:57

Here's an idea. If you don't want to go, then decline the invite

Only1scoop · 20/05/2016 22:00

Devastated

Blimey

Only1scoop · 20/05/2016 22:00

Devastated

Blimey

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 22:02

Devastated? Really? Yes I'm sure they'd like an opportunity to dress up and dance but to be devastated is bloody weird.

waterrat · 20/05/2016 22:03

eek. Im having a family- kids only wedding - do people understand that venues have number limits!???

ALl of my friends have children, most of them under 5s. It would have been another 50 places at dinner if they all brought their kids. That was just not realistic - so I said that it was child free but I have also said of course under 1s are welcome. I also said in the invite that if people have childcare problems let me know we will make it work (ie. I don't mind people bringing them if they cant get childcare))

But - its not a 'family' affair - its an event with a number limit and a big sit down meal that people have to cater for - obviously the couple can't literally invite every single person they want/ know/ all their kids.

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 22:03

asking them to take a young child outside if they become noisy or disruptive
sorry but the damage is already done then. Baby/child plays up, parent initially tries to shush, then quietly tries to go out. All disrupts the ceremony. I don't blame the kids or the parents, it's a part of life and they cant be switched off like little robots. Which is why I chose not to have them at all

waterrat · 20/05/2016 22:04

these threads make me worried that everyone is secretly pissed off with me - even thought most people immediately contacted me and said great looking forward to a night out without the kids....

pearlylum · 20/05/2016 22:07

Weddings are a family event. When my kids were young I turned down some wedding invitations that were adults only.

Only1scoop · 20/05/2016 22:09

Water....

Don't sweat it

I and most of my friends leave DC at home and were given choice.

Child free weddings are fab

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 22:10

A wedding is whatever a bride and groom chose it to be. It's their day and they're footing the bill. Of course if you don't like it you don't have to attend, and I personally would understand.

2catsnowaiting · 20/05/2016 23:04

I really don't think "devastated" is being melodramatic. My daughter is 10, last time she went to a wedding she was 4 so she barely remembers it. Similarly, she hasn't been on a plane since she was 18 months old. If I told her we were flying somewhere without her she would also be devastated. It's about life experiences they want to have. They read about and see weddings on telly etc throughout childhood, and think of them as magical fun occasions, of course they are desperate to go to one.

I'm now at the point where pretty much everyone I know is either married or not going to be, so my kids will almost certainly not go to a wedding until they are grown up and their own friends start getting married. Personally, I think that's a shame.

Also I don't see why it's the end of the world if a child makes a noise during the ceremony. It's not some kind of play or performance, it should be a joyous occasion. Most of the joyous occasions I can think of involve children.

PurpleDaisies · 20/05/2016 23:07

Also I don't see why it's the end of the world if a child makes a noise during the ceremony.
The bride and groom are there making solemn promises about how they will treat each other for the rest of their lives. I think they're entitle not to be distracted by a screaming child.

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 23:10

Also I don't see why it's the end of the world if a child makes a noise during the ceremony. It's not some kind of play or performance, it should be a joyous occasion. Most of the joyous occasions I can think of involve children

And this is why my wedding will be childfree. Because some parents think children are the centre of the universe and assume other people think the same. Yes, when me and my partner are saying our vows, a time that's extremely important to me and him I don't want to hear a shriek, or a declaration of a bodily function.

Original poster
upontheroof66 · 20/05/2016 23:27

No contact yet. Dh has suggested arranging childcare and we Go just for the day.

Will probably out for this but may have gentle word with brother to make sure no misunderstanding.
Thanks for replies.

OP posts:
AuntieMeemz · 20/05/2016 23:47

I'd be a bit miffed myself. I'd be miserable with out my children at a wedding. I appreciate some people don't want children at on their special day. We were childless when we got married, and never even considered not inviting children. We went for a cheaper reception because to us, a wedding is a family affair. I appreciate that children aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I do wonder what happened to weddings. I do wedding flowers and am stunned at how much people will spend on a dress etc, (frequently well over £1000) yet keep eg the reception small.Traditionally weddings were usually a community affair so I'd go as a family maybe watching the ceremony from the back/behind a door, let DH,dd and ds congratulate the bride, explaining that DH would then take them off somewhere. Like others, I would never leave them with a nanny etc, so DH would take them to a park/burger joint etc. Then meet up with DH and DCs later at the hotel.

Blondeshavemorefun · 21/05/2016 01:08

Book a hotel near venue

Organise a nanny /babysitter to take kids to park /soft play etc then they sleep in the hotel room and you and dh have a nice child free wedding and no nights away from them

I do this a lot - via agencies and wedding crèches and word of mouth

Hotels sometimes have a list of regular people they use

Or call nanny agency local to venue and use who they find for you

Lozzamas · 21/05/2016 08:11

I had probably one of the first no children weddings in my circle back in the 70's. It was due to it being a sit down with venue limits and the venue (a swanky hotel) didn't discount for children - tbh I think they weren't keen on having children there and the plate charge was the charge - eaten or not with no alternatives to the chosen adult meal for kids. So it was a purely logistical/financial decision.
Children were welcome to the evening buffet. I had a large number of Cousins with children who we were fairly sure would be unable to come because of our restriction - regrettable but expected. Unfortunately instead of a polite decline most of them wrote back in snotty fashion saying if their children weren't invited they didn't consider themselves invited and they would not attend in protest. Even some without children said they wouldn't go as their sister or brothers children were not invited. So what.... I had a list of reserve guests we couldn't accommodate initially that we then invited. What made me crosser still was I had invited my niece and nephew who were attendants - and all those who did leave their children at home moaned there were some children there so they could have brought theirs. The run up to and aftermath were like a UN peacekeeping negotiation for my poor Mum and Dad who sourced the venue and paid. My sisters wedding was in a more informal venue with a buffet and kids could be accommodated- so I think a lot depends on the venue. Mine made clear it didn't think children were appropriate at a sit down wedding breakfast and it charged full whack for them. if we wanted to cater for children they suggested the buffet lunch not the silver service. So I think the invitees flow from what sort of venue/do you go for to a degree. I loved my wedding even with childgate, but please ... not that the OP has - please don't give the B&G a hard time over their decisions. It's not always their desire to exclude your children that causes this but venues, meal choices, expense, numbers etc. You are invited to their event - if you only go to community child centric weddings just decline politely. It doesn't have to be your vision of a joyous community wedding it's whatever thing is theirs.

Janecc · 21/05/2016 08:26

GreysAnalogy it isn't about people thinking their children are the centre of the universe. The comment completely misses the point. My DD is a highly sensitive person and almost 8. She has only ever been to two weddings, last year and one when she was 2. Everyone I know is also married or not going to be. She's had a lot of adults crapping on her and she would associate this as adults being mean to her once again. It's not likely to happen, I'd either decline or not tell her and organise a sleepover.

Children are narcissistic by definition and consider themselves to be the centre of the universe. It is up to their parents to teach them they are part of society, valuable and individual as well. Unfortunately, the problem lies with many adults, who believe themselves to be the centre of the universe. They are the issue, not the children.

I, too, see a wedding as a celebration of people of all ages coming together. I understand there are monetary and space constraints as to why children cannot be included. Children are the future. I'm an inclusive person and I do struggle to understand the mentality that people don't want children running around and having fun at their wedding reception when they were once children themselves. But I'm not them and I accept that everybody's different.