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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one (no kids)

152 replies

upontheroof66 · 18/05/2016 20:56

Niece is getting married in September. They live about 200 miles away so we will have to stay over at least one night. We have 3dds and they are not invited.
Now I know it's up to them who they invite but aibu to be abit disappointed.
Arranging childcare will be a nightmare as my do has no family who can help.

OP posts:
icy121 · 19/05/2016 21:25

www.butterflynannies.co.uk/hotel-babysitting/ Hotel and Nanny all in one

Madcats · 19/05/2016 21:39

Just going by what we did when we had a toddler to manage when a mutual Uni-friend got married and DH was asked to be best man.

The "no kids" thing surprised us (but it made sense), We panicked initially. We then phoned family to see who might fancy a break if we booked an apartment/house for us all to share as a freebie to other guests.

We booked a long weekend near the venue, so we had a lovely Friday night, 2 brunches and a Sunday lunch together with my brother/sister in law. They coped with the Saturday afternoon/early evening (so about 7 hours).

DH and I aren't joined at the hip, so he was away a bit longer.

MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 19/05/2016 21:49

I'm getting married 2 weeks on Saturday to DP and we have 2 DC 7 and 4. I am so happy we waited to share our day with the kids - so excited for them too!
On our invited we put in bold letters 'children welcome'. I cannot bloody wait!
Sorry, nothing to add to thread just sharing the love :)

quarkandmarmite · 19/05/2016 22:18

I had a child-free wedding - sort of!

We had only 34 guests on the list. If we invited children, I am not kidding, children would outnumber adults!! But that wasn't the reason we said no kids.

  1. Small wedding, no entertainment in the evening just ceremony, photos, wedding breakfast and a small room hired for drinks and chats.
  2. Guest given the opportunity to 'let their hair down' without running around and playing the part of UN ambassador between hyped up and war-filled kids!

We allowed the best man's 2 year old and my friend's 6 month old who was still being breast-fed and not quite being weaned.

I had one couple who couldn't even be bothered to RSVP with a yes or a no. I suspect she didn't want to leave her children aged 8 and 3 at the time which was fair enough. But even if she said she was having trouble finding childcare, I would have allowed them. it wasn't as if it was a strick 'no child' rule TBH it was to prevent the knock on effect of inviting my cousins for them to invite their hoard of kids which they themselves would have trebled guest numbers- Sadly, I never saw the couple again!

I get a bit Hmm when people complain of adult only weddings. If that is what the bride and groom want, it is THEIR day afterall, their say-so on the guest list and quite frankly it is not obligatory to go. if you really, really want to go to a wedding that is child free but you don't want to leave the brood, suck it up and accept the wedding is how it is and go or decline!

Original poster
upontheroof66 · 19/05/2016 22:48

Omg weddings have got expensive. We only paid about £15. 00 per head for dc. Plus about a fiver for drinks. I can understand dn not wanted to spend so much.

OP posts:
upaladderagain · 20/05/2016 09:13

DS is getting married soon, and there are cousins, children of friends etc who could be invited. The problem is where to draw the line - age 2 or 14?
The venue charges £100 per guest, and to invite all the possible children would cost them £1200. So rather than say "Yes you can bring your 13 year old but x can't bring their 4 year old" which would cause masses of hard feelings all round, it's better to say no to all kids. The adults can let their hair down and the bride and groom aren't paying a small fortune for young'uns who'd probably hate the whole thing anyway.
This doesn't mean that there haven't been a couple of people who have asked to be made exceptions, and one or two who have declined rather than leave their children behind. But hey, their decision. And loss: it's going to be great! (Crossing fingers).

MistressDeeCee · 20/05/2016 09:24

People can have a child-free wedding if thats their preference, why not?

As long as they don't get arsey when parents of young children can't sort childcare arrangements that would cover them travelling to wedding, spending whole day and evening there, and then travelling home

I've only once been invited to a child-free wedding. I didn't go because DCs were very young then and I just couldn't be bothered with all the childcare arranging - it would've had to be done between 2 people. So I politely declined. It was a cousin and she was annoyed. I didn't care

Balance in all things

Whippet81 · 20/05/2016 09:27

We were invited to a wedding a couple of months back. Invite said strictly no children - it was miles away and I have never left DS overnight so I sent DP on his own with his mates. They had a lovely time and said they could see why no kids as it was a very swanky glass table type place.

I have no problem with kid free weddings - I just don't think you can get uppity if people decline or only one half goes.

AppleSetsSail · 20/05/2016 09:28

I can see that you're being very reasonable here OP but I don't get the general vitriol for child-free weddings. Surely when someone throws a big party, they get to decide if children will be in attendance?

The flip side of this coin is obviously that the B&G must be similarly magnanimous should guests decline.

WobbleYourHead · 20/05/2016 09:58

I gave my guests the option of whether or not they wanted to bring their children. Family mostly did, friends didn't! All our friends were happy to have a 'night off'.

I agree it's not unreasonable to clarify whether kids are invited, just how you word it!

Now my youngest has just turned 2 I'd love to be invited to a child free wedding.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/05/2016 10:19

go solo, or decline

Only in this fucking country are child free weddings such a "thing"

walkingtheplank · 20/05/2016 11:37

I think it's worth asking in a bright and easy kind of way. If it's a no then I hope you don't have to spend the whole day explaining why you are on your own.

We had a family wedding last year about 100 miles away. DCs (aged 8 and 6) weren't invited and we had no one to ask to take them for the day. We had to pay a professional sitter quite a lot to have them for 12 hours which was the most she could do. We spent the whole day explaining to people why we had been so selfish to not bring them (the other side of the family all brought their children) and then we left straight after the meal we were the bad guys for dashing off. I would have loved to stay as it happened. I didn't feel like our effort was appreciated. Still waiting for the thank you card 14 months on too...

Euripidesralph · 20/05/2016 11:58

I agree it can be tough....one of my closest friends and both my sons godmother is having a child free wedding next year....internally I was frustrated when she told me because it will be a flipping nightmare to organise childcare and both dh and I would offend her massively if we weren't there and I am a best woman.....but she doesn't have kids so has no idea whatsoever about the implications but at the end of the day I sucked it up plastered a smile to hide the irritation and wouldn't have dreamt to ask if it could change

Its difficult because I've seen people somewhat flippant ly say babysitter but I wouldn't leave my children overnight with a babysitter overnight without a lot lot of research and getting to know sessions

My parents are older and in general we have no suitable child care for this scenario but we will figure it because right or wrong everyone gets to choose for their own wedding day

Good luck op but I would strongly suggest not trying to push it with the bride personally I believe that is entitled and unforgivably rude

PurpleDaisies · 20/05/2016 12:13

she doesn't have kids so has no idea whatsoever about the implications

This is so lazy. Plenty of people (myself included) know exactly what a nuisance it can be to find childcare for weddings because we have friends or relatives with children who tell us, and we listen because we care about them. Not everyone is ignorant about the effect a child free wedding will have on parents. It's the bride and groom's decision who to invite. As long as they're not arsey it people decide not to come that's absolutely fine.

Euripidesralph · 20/05/2016 12:31

I didn't say everyone who didn't have children had no idea....I said that's the reason why she personally has no idea of the impact...she deliberately keeps herself away from that side of things for good reason

I at no point said everyone who didn't have children had no idea Hmm

She is also not lazy at all (that's an unnecessary logic jump) she has her reasons for not knowing as many others might

GraysAnalogy · 20/05/2016 14:31

Only in this fucking country are child free weddings such a "thing"

Erm, no they're not Confused

I won't be having children at my wedding, my wedding my choice. I don't want children playing up during my wedding - which even the best parent cannot avoid, babies are babies and kids are kids. I don't want people to have to shuffle out of the service, trying quietly to not interrupt. I don't want children at a celebration in which the majority of us want to let our hair down without children running around.

I'll make it clear on the invite, and it's up to the people if they are willing/able to make arrangements that allow them to come. If not it's fine, but I won't be guilted into allowing kids (like I've read/heard happening).

haveacupoftea · 20/05/2016 14:33

It's a bit harsh that some posters jump straight to decline without even considering making an effort to go. It's one day, your nieces wedding day. The world won't end if DC have someone else look after them for one night.

kensausage13 · 20/05/2016 15:15

I am getting married in 10 weeks time and we have decided not to invite children, with the exception of our own child and our nieces and nephews (total of 6). We took this decision mainly due to the fact that our venue only accommodates 120 people maximum and due to fire regs we are not allowed to exceed this, but also due to the cost. If we allowed everyone to bring their children, there would be in excess of 30 children running about the place!!! No thanks!!!
I am totally respectful that some people may not be able to attend due to childcare arrangements or lack of, but it was in no way a 'tactical' decision as one earlier poster suggested. It is just not possibly, logistically or financially, which I imagine is the case for a lot of people on their wedding day.
What I do find unbelievable though is that people would even ask if their children were included if they are not mentioned in the invite. Same goes for plus ones!! I think it's damn rude and quite audacious! I had one person call me to ask if her new boyfriend could come with her to our wedding, the boyfriend she's only been with for 2 weeks. Er....no!

Headofthehive55 · 20/05/2016 15:40

haveacupoftea why do you think I should make an effort to go to a wedding when My preference for that day would be to do something with my children?

I only get that day once. Can't guests choose?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/05/2016 16:28

MrsArchchancellorRidcully

aw! have a lovely day

LupoLoopy · 20/05/2016 17:12

YABU (although not in a malicious way. You seem nice enough)

My view on wedding planning is, when it's your wedding, you get a say. Otherwise, the only say you get is in if you wish to go or not. Noone would tell the BTB what flowers they should get so why they think who attends should be crowd-sourced, I'll never know.

WankStainWasher · 20/05/2016 17:54

Could you afford to take a babysitter with you? If you had been able to take the children to the wedding, you would have been paying for 5 of you to travel. Might not be such a stretch to pay for a sixth person.

SparklesandBangs · 20/05/2016 18:12

OP have you made contact to ask yet????

I've been to a childfree wedding, B&G had loads of friends and family (me included) with young DC, they decided they would rather have many friends and family as apposed to a smaller number of large family groups. Their wedding, their choice. It was great, my DC had a wonderful time with my parents and I got to drink lots without having a care in the world.

Member251061 · 20/05/2016 18:35

I had a close friend ask me on the day she visited me & my newborn in hospital to not bring the baby (he was 2 weeks old when it was the wedding). My husband sat in the car with the baby while i went to watch them get married. I then spent about 1 hour at their reception & went home. She has barely spoken to me since. Weddings are joyful occasions & I think children bring joy.

MagratsFlyawayHair · 20/05/2016 18:41

DH cousins had a no baby wedding 200 miles away and so he rsvp'd that he'd be the only one going as I couldn't leave our baby at that point. They called so quickly to say to just bring her.

People have lots of reasons for child free weddings. I had one. Purely because two of my cousins refuse to control and take responsibility for their kids who act like they're mostly feral. They ruined it for everyone as if have loved our friends kids to be there. Actually, my cousins ended up not coming.