Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset - in laws don't approve of proposed childcare arrangements

128 replies

Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 20:15

I posted a little while ago in relationships but think it's now more of AIBU...

So long story short is I am sahm and hubby works full time. We have 1 DS nearly 2 years and DD on the way in August. My previous post concerned in laws who look after other GC 3 days a week while SIL works. They also babysit evenings and weekends for her but wont/can't do the same for us due to having the other GC and other commitments. General advice from MN was to look for alternative childcare and babysitting options......MIL has called me this morning to wish me happy bday and asked about plans for the day. When I told her I was going to meet potential nanny share... well let's just say she wasn't very happy about it!

AIBU to put DS in childcare for 2 sessions a week if I dont work? It's kind of so I can have time to prepare for baby without having to drag DS round mothercare and so that I can have a few hours a week to bond with DD when she arrives (although I imagine I will spend the time doing laundry and housework etc!)

MIL ' S response was along the lines of 'well your SIL works three days a week and doesn't have a nanny as she can't afford one. Can't you wait until he gets his free nursery hours?' - yes, because you do her childcare for FREE! Also, DS wont get free nursery place until Sept 2017. It is a nanny share so considerably cheaper than nursery etc. AIBU to be upset and confused by this reaction? She can't/won't help out but doesn't like me seeking alternative support? I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way.

Please help me work put if I'm being a total emotional hormonal cowbag as I've been reduced to tears for most of the day by her comments.

OP posts:
NeverNic · 18/05/2016 21:05

Not unreasonable at all. When I went on maternity leave I reduced my 2yo down to 2 days a week at nursery. It was good for him and gave him time to socialise and do things like messy play and crafts, that were beyond me juggling a newborn. It also gave him a bit of structure (and me) which was helpful in the early days. I'm now a SAHM, but have just put my youngest in to nursery for a day. He had got to the point where he really needed that extra stimulation and being around children of his own age, and beginning to make friends. I also needed it. I need it to more efficiently get things done - phone calls, life admin, housework etc. and just needed some head space away from the children, without having to feel guilty or book a babysitter. I would 100% recommend you doing it. For what it's worth as well, I'm not a huge fan on relying on gps for childcare. It's easier for them to let you down than paid childcare and if it doesn't work out the 'we are going to have to let you go' conversation isn't quite as easy!

PastaLaFeasta · 18/05/2016 21:05

We have no family support near by so childcare has been such a big help. Don't feel guilty because it can do the child so much good - developing relationships with other carers and other kids as they get older. It can also save your sanity and give you a chance to prepare to return to work etc. I don't talk to my in laws and partly that's because they have such double standards in how they treat DH compared to SIL. We were treated like naughty teenagers when I was pregnant and made it clear they would offer no support.

PastaLaFeasta · 18/05/2016 21:06

And we were never meant to do this child rearing thing on our own but it's turned out this way for many people. We are meant to have family/community support.

Original poster
Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 21:07

Furiousfate - not bothered about approval as such, just don't want to be made to feel like shit lazy mum! She had 3 kids and never used any firm of childcare other than her parents and pil's and I think she thinks I should do the same ad I so far only have the one child, how hard can it be?? Well, unfortunately my side of the family are non existent/totally self absorbed and irresponsible and DH ' S DPs do so much for everyone else they simply don't have time so unfortunately I'm not able to do as she did 30 years ago. I just felt frustrated.

OP posts:
Molehillfromamountain · 18/05/2016 21:08

Ignore her it's none of her business! It's a great plan, I did similar with DD at this stage in pregnancy with DS. She goes to nursery for 2 mornings and I've had time to bond (tidy up) while she's there. Have a think about any baby groups you may want to go to and book his childcare for those days so you have a little freedom later on when you want to get out and about.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 18/05/2016 21:09

Seriously ignore her! Get your nanny and make the most of having some time before baby comes.. You cannot not get one just because the in laws are a load of judgeypants, who cares what they think? Grow a thicker skin and ignore them Grin

AnyFucker · 18/05/2016 21:13

what the actual fuck has it got to do with your MIL ?

do what works for your little family

The end.

leelu66 · 18/05/2016 21:14

YANBU. Of course PIL are no under obligation to help you but equally you are under no obligation to do what makes MIL happy.

As an aside, it sounds like PIL need to start saying no to others, if they are doing so much for everyone.

I can kind of see their logic that you are a SAHM and SIL isn't but that doesn't mean it's fair to you.

Why does SIL need evening babysitting? Is it work related or is it so they can go out?

SaucyJack · 18/05/2016 21:16

YANBU.

Is it possible Apocalypse has a point? I.e. that she feels guilty that she doesn't help you when you need it like she does for your SIL, and she's lashing out because you having to pay for childcare makes her feel like a prick?

Or maybe she's the type who think people should only use childcare if they have to be at work?

Either way tho- fuck her, and fuck her opinion. It's your money and you can spend it on professional childcare if it suits you. It's hardly like you're standing on a street corner smoking crack.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 18/05/2016 21:20

Well, I'll go slightly against the grain here. Whilst it's completely none of her business about your childcare arrangements, the fact that she looks after SIL's dcs whilst she works is completely different to you wanting some sort of reciprocal arrangement for your dcs when you're a SAHM. And if i was going to be completely honest, most SAHMs don't send their under 2s to 2 days a week childcare so that they can walk round Mothercare.

Flame away....

Shakirasma · 18/05/2016 21:20

YABU to give a flying fuck what she thinks. Do what's right for you and your family unit, it's no one else's business, particularly not gps who don't treat their kids and grandkids fairly.

Happy birthday ! Flowers

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 21:21

MaryNary probably has it - this is about her feeling guilty as you have highlighted her unequal treatment of her DCs, her DD might work 3 days a week and need care for those days, but MIL also offers evening and weekend babysitting as she clearly acknowledges she needs a break now and then as well as childcare while she's working. She's not giving you a break and by paying someone, there's no hiding behind he lie that you don't need or want the breaks SIL 'needs'.

Original poster
Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 21:21

Leelu - it's so that they can go out, have nights away away from kids etc which is so lovely to have and I think we all need at times, I don't begrudge them that. SIL's DH works long hours (as does mine) and they are a bit like passing ships in the night at times... It would just be nice if DH and I could have the same at some pint before DD arrives but I'm now 26 weeks pg and have asked several times if they would do the same for us but always told no sorry were with other GC's, other family members etc.

OP posts:
Pseudo341 · 18/05/2016 21:23

YABU to let some interfering judgemental busybody upset you but I understand it's hard not to let it bother you, especially when you're pregnant. Your child, your decision, none of her business. Nanny share sounds wonderful, I'd be grabbing that opportunity with both hands and fuck what anyone else thinks in your position. Congratulations on your imminent arrival.

BoffinMum · 18/05/2016 21:25

I have not read the whole thread but from what I have read I think your MIL should get stuffed and you should be able to have a few hours a week to deal with the whole childbirth thing. What on earth is wrong with that??

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 21:25

PrinceCharlesFirstWife - did you miss the bit that as well as the 3 days the SIL works, the MIL also looks after the DCs on weekends and some evenings on top of the work hours to give them a break.

OP- will the nanny share have other DCs with them at the same time? It will be good for your DC to be used to being round other DCs before their sibling arrives.

Original poster
Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 21:26

Yes DinosaursRoar - perhaps I've hit a nerve. I think to be fair to her she's not usually very judgey and I was quite taken aback by her comments she gives a lot to others and perhaps she's seeing it highlighted as a shortcoming of hers for us to look elsewhere in this instance.

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 18/05/2016 21:26

Do what you want to do. Absolutely nothing to do with MIL.

Original poster
Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 21:27

And yes all three kids will be together at the same time :)

OP posts:
diddl · 18/05/2016 21:27

Look on the bright side-she didn't offer to have him.

My PFB went to a playgroup a couple of mornings a week.

He must have been about 2 and a half & PSB about 6months.

It meant that I could get stuff done without him there.

And was good for him as well, of course.

Original poster
Bee182814 · 18/05/2016 21:29

Princecharlesfirstwife - I've not expected a reciprocal arrangement so I'm not quite sure I understand where you're coming from..

OP posts:
hippiedays · 18/05/2016 21:30

My MIL sounds similar. She can't/won't babysit (which is absolutely her prerogative) but she disapproves when we pay for a babysitter. A lot of tutting and 'looks' directed at me.

I find the easiest way to handle her and prevent getting worked up by her is to tell her as little as possible. Otherwise I found I was leaving her company and either fuming or upset.

Please use your nanny time to just sit and hold your new baby and forget the housework!!!

diddl · 18/05/2016 21:31

Perhaps she thinks that she should have been given first refusal or that a nanny is only for when both parents work!

It's not her decision anyway!

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 21:35

OP - given your post that you have asked for care so you could have a night out/day out with DH before DC2 arrives and she's said no because she's already committed to caring for SIL's DCs and other plans, it's probably really come as a shock that she is having to face that it wasn't a "we would like help as a treat, but don't need it" but "we need help" and as she's said no, you are paying for it.

diddl · 18/05/2016 21:37

"just don't want to be made to feel like shit lazy mum! She had 3 kids and never used any firm of childcare other than her parents and pil's and I think she thinks I should do the same"

So she did use childcare then!

She can only make you feel shit if you let her-don't let her!