AIBU to be upset - in laws don't approve of proposed childcare arrangements

[Bee182814]

I posted a little while ago in relationships but think it's now more of AIBU...

So long story short is I am sahm and hubby works full time. We have 1 DS nearly 2 years and DD on the way in August. My previous post concerned in laws who look after other GC 3 days a week while SIL works. They also babysit evenings and weekends for her but wont/can't do the same for us due to having the other GC and other commitments. General advice from MN was to look for alternative childcare and babysitting options......MIL has called me this morning to wish me happy bday and asked about plans for the day. When I told her I was going to meet potential nanny share... well let's just say she wasn't very happy about it!

AIBU to put DS in childcare for 2 sessions a week if I dont work? It's kind of so I can have time to prepare for baby without having to drag DS round mothercare and so that I can have a few hours a week to bond with DD when she arrives (although I imagine I will spend the time doing laundry and housework etc!)

MIL ' S response was along the lines of 'well your SIL works three days a week and doesn't have a nanny as she can't afford one. Can't you wait until he gets his free nursery hours?' - yes, because you do her childcare for FREE! Also, DS wont get free nursery place until Sept 2017. It is a nanny share so considerably cheaper than nursery etc. AIBU to be upset and confused by this reaction? She can't/won't help out but doesn't like me seeking alternative support? I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way.

Please help me work put if I'm being a total emotional hormonal cowbag as I've been reduced to tears for most of the day by her comments.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Your MIL can just fuck off.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

I send DD(3yo) to a childminder two full days per week while I am home alone with DS (3months). As much as I love DD, they are the best days of my week. A very much needed chance to rest and recharge and gloat over my gorgeous baby without making DD feel jealous/left out. I don't feel the slightest bit guilty, it works for us as a family.

You do what you want and your MIL can mind her own business.

[Jenni2legs]

It'll be lovely to have some one on one time with your new baby and sorting childcare now means your son won't feel pushed away because of the baby. Do it and don't think too hard on mil's opinions.

[Bee182814]

Thank you all, I've spent most of my birthday feeling like perhaps I'm being lazy and have an ovrr inflated sense of entitlement to time to myself. I feel much better now :)

SIL shouldn't be relevant really other than that we're the same age and kids are close in age too.

Flisspaps and Madam Death stare - both made me laugh so hard I spat my tea out, thank you I definitely needed that!

DH actually found the ad for the nanny share and made the initial contact so yes its been very much a joint decision off the back of him being a bit upset about his DM doing so much for his sister and not being around for him and his family so we're very much on the same page.

[Elle80]

You are not unreasonable at all. Your MIL is interfering and to be frank should shut it, when she has made it clear she won't help with any childcare, favouring your SIL.

I also think you are right to get some childcare for your DS while you prepare for and eventually bond with your new baby. When I was on mat leave with my second DD I kept my first DD (then 2) at nursery 2 days a week and I am so glad I did, it was absolutely invaluable time I had to adjust to my new baby.

[BillSykesDog]

Sounds really good to me. It will mean he is used to spending a bit of time away from you before the baby arrives and so won't feel like he is being sent away because of the baby. You'll need the rest. And he'll have other children there to play with which will help him with socialising in a small group and mean he is more confident when he starts bigger groups like nursery.

Sounds fab. Enjoy your few hours rest!

[PerspicaciaTick]

If she isn't able or willing to offer constructive alternatives, then feel free to ignore her.

And please don't use your nanny share time to do housework. If you need housework doing, then get a cleaner/ironer instead and spend the time with your baby. You will get resentful if you are paying someone lots of money and ending up not spending time with either child.

[IcingandSlicing]

I'd be moaning on every occasion how easy it is for SIL to work, and NOT pay for child care, while you and your DH have to pay for that.
Also is SIL her child or a daughter-in-law? If own, then start saying how your husband can't have this free childcare too so you can work.

And finally, don't listen to her and do what is better for you. Motherhood can be too much and we are aloowed to take breaks even if that is a couple of hours twice a week.
Whoever judges you for that hasn't have any children recently.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

It's your life, no-one else lives it for you.. Do what will make you happy If you do what she says then she will have input into all your future decisions. Not saying she's awful or anything, just that she seems the type who requires you to make a firm stand so she knows you aren't a walkover. Be confident in your decision!

[TheABC]

It's a fab idea. You are doing a bloody important job looking after the kids and you need time to recharge too.

[crayfish]

What's it got to do with her?! It sounds like a great idea and I would do the same in your position. I think she just feels guilty because she knows that the childcare she gives SIL isn't 'fair' compared to what she offers you.

[LittleMoonbuggy]

Sounds like a great idea. I still sent DC1 to the childminder when I was heavily pregnant and while on mat leave for 1 day a week, for same reasons you mention. I know lots of mums who did the same.

Honestly just ignore her.

Enjoy the rest of your birthday

[JapaneseSlipper]

YANBU. How dare she?

She needs to buck her ideas up - her son (your husband) should talk to her if you feel you won't strike the right tone.

[annandale]

What RunRabbit said. I think many people don't understand what good value a nanny share can be (certainly once you have more than one child), and imagine that all parents who employ nannies are billionaires with eight houses. Just make some vague comment about how it looks like it will work for you, we'll see, then change the subject. Her comment will be about something in her experience - perhaps she would have loved a nanny herself but couldn't have one.

[Lovewineandchocs]

Happy birthday! please do not allow yourself to be bullied by this woman-her opinion means nothing, it is yours and your DHs decision. I wouldn't discuss it with her again, just make your own arrangements and tell her about it when it's all sorted. You don't need that kind of stress while pregnant.

[Onlyicanclean10]

Madam

What's the going rate for a Newfoundland dog cm? Sounds amazing

[Bee182814]

Thank you littlemoon - I now feel reassured enough to put down the tissues and have a slice of cake :)

Icing and slicing - yup that's absolutely my plan next time I hear another word about how hard SIL has it my response will be along the lines of 'oh yes, poor SIL. But how wonderful that she is able to bring in a second income for her family and doesn't have too dip in to it to pay for childcare! Swings and roundabouts eh!?'

[BillyGoatGruff007]

YANBU
Geez, when will these stupid in laws learn to stop interfering ? All they achieve is to drive a wedge between them and their children.
Your family, your lives, your decision. Absolutely.

[BillyGoatGruff007]

Oh, and Many Happy Returns Bee - have an extra large slice.

[themorus]

I'm with everyone else. Ignore her, none of her business etc. I too suspect it is a defensive reaction as up until now she has convinced herself you don't need her.

Don't feel guilty, the days my dc1 was in nursery when I had dc2 hold very special memories for me. I had a break from an exhausting 2 year old, I felt dc2 got a little 1:1 time ( and bless him I felt guilty enough he didn't get more than 3 days a week) and I was much better equipped to deal with both DC when on my own with them the rest if the week.

Also don't underestimate the value of childcare you have paid for and in control of. I had friends who had family look after their DC and they were in constant angst of not feeling they could say what they wanted, for fear of upsetting them and they didn't like being underminded in their parenting.

I appreciate not everyone feels like this about family carers and I'm sure some are excellent but even though I had no choice but to pay for my childcare due to where we live I'm not sure I would have taken up offers from family even if they were available.

[Bitlost]

Why do you care? I like nothing better than annoying my in-laws.

[Bee182814]

Onlyicanclean10

Madam

What's the going rate for a Newfoundland dog cm? Sounds amazing

• Yes Madam if you do know of any please share details, much better than nanny share

[FuriousFate]

I don't understand why you crave your MIL's approval so much. It has zero to do with her. You and your DH made a decision, it doesn't affect her, she clearly has no interest in helping you with childcare, so why bother to discuss it with her?

[AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3]

I look after my grandchildren while their mother is on maternity leave just to give her a break. I'll carry on when the baby's born so she can have some "just us" time with the new baby.
What is it with some people?

[Marynary]

Ignore her. She is being defensive because she wants to believe that you don't require childcare and therefore it is okay for her to treat her children differently. By paying for childcare you making it hard for her to justify looking after her daughter's children but not her sons.