AIBU to be upset - in laws don't approve of proposed childcare arrangements

[Bee182814]

I posted a little while ago in relationships but think it's now more of AIBU...

So long story short is I am sahm and hubby works full time. We have 1 DS nearly 2 years and DD on the way in August. My previous post concerned in laws who look after other GC 3 days a week while SIL works. They also babysit evenings and weekends for her but wont/can't do the same for us due to having the other GC and other commitments. General advice from MN was to look for alternative childcare and babysitting options......MIL has called me this morning to wish me happy bday and asked about plans for the day. When I told her I was going to meet potential nanny share... well let's just say she wasn't very happy about it!

AIBU to put DS in childcare for 2 sessions a week if I dont work? It's kind of so I can have time to prepare for baby without having to drag DS round mothercare and so that I can have a few hours a week to bond with DD when she arrives (although I imagine I will spend the time doing laundry and housework etc!)

MIL ' S response was along the lines of 'well your SIL works three days a week and doesn't have a nanny as she can't afford one. Can't you wait until he gets his free nursery hours?' - yes, because you do her childcare for FREE! Also, DS wont get free nursery place until Sept 2017. It is a nanny share so considerably cheaper than nursery etc. AIBU to be upset and confused by this reaction? She can't/won't help out but doesn't like me seeking alternative support? I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way.

Please help me work put if I'm being a total emotional hormonal cowbag as I've been reduced to tears for most of the day by her comments.

[teatowel]

Your situation is not quite the same as your SIL is it though? Your MIL looks after her children because she works. You are at home .Are you wanting your MIL to look after your child for two days a week for FREE (the capital letters are yours) so that you don't have to get a nanny. I would feel you had much more of a 'case' if you were working and were upset that you had to pay for child care and your SIl didn't. I wonder if your MIL was not so much annoyed as just surprised that you weren't waiting until you got your free nursery hours before accessing child care.

[leelu66]

If she says she's busy with SIL or other family in the evenings then that means you and your DH are way down her list of priorities, because if she is willing to babysit to allow her daughter to have time with her partner in the evenings, then she should be willing to do the same for your DH.

Of course, this assumes that you have an otherwise good relationship with MIL and that you and your DH are also willing to help MIL when asked.

There is also the possibility that she wants to help you but has somehow been convinced by SIL or someone else that you don't need/deserve help.

[Bee182814]

Yes DinosaursRoar I hadn't looked at it like that before but that's probably very accurate. Like i say she's not normally like this so it was very unexpected to hear her reaction today..

[nocakes]

Exactly what Bitlost said!!

[Bee182814]

Your situation is not quite the same as your SIL is it though? Your MIL looks after her children because she works. You are at home .Are you wanting your MIL to look after your child for two days a week for FREE (the capital letters are yours) so that you don't have to get a nanny. I would feel you had much more of a 'case' if you were working and were upset that you had to pay for child care and your SIl didn't. I wonder if your MIL was not so much annoyed as just surprised that you weren't waiting until you got your free nursery hours before accessing child care.

You haven't read any of my post tea towel. We have never expected her to look after DC for FREE for any length of time.

[NickyEds]

teatowel op doesn't want her MIL to do childcare for her. She doesn't want grief when she makes alternative arrangements.

[Puffinity]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OP You're only the second person I've ever come across who shares my birthday! And it's the first time I've seen anyone mention on MN that it's their birthday!

[notquiteruralbliss]

None of your MIL's business. I had an Au Pair when I was home full time and DDs were at school / nursery.

[Iknownuffink]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. Her opinion in this matter is of no consequence.

[Lindy2]

When I had my second baby I put my 2 year old in a nursery for 2 mornings a week. It worked really well. I had time with baby. My 2 year old had a lot of fun. I think what you are planning is sensible and not unusual at all.
You know your child and your needs best. It's not really anything to do with your MIL.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

Definitely ignore your MIL.

We kept DC1 in nursery for a couple of days a week when I started maternity with DC2. It was one of the best things we did. Not only did it give me time alone with the baby but it gave DC1 time alone without the baby. DC1 also got so much from interacting with other children her age.

[sallyhasleftthebuilding]

I put DD in nursery 2 days a week when she finished at the childminders -

SIL gets a break from the kids - adult company and a wage and no childcare costs

OP gets ... None of the above

Do what you want - but either ignore - or say - OH well we've asked for help and it's never been offered - so this is the best solution

[teatowel]

Oh right sorry. I read interpreted it wrongly. Ignore her then!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Yes DinosaursRoar - perhaps I've hit a nerve. I think to be fair to her she's not usually very judgey and I was quite taken aback by her comments she gives a lot to others and perhaps she's seeing it highlighted as a shortcoming of hers for us to look elsewhere in this instance."

I think this might well be what's going on inside her head. She has this self-image of the beaming matriarch, centre of the family and oh-so-supportive. She's probably had it so long she hasn't locked that it's out of kilter with reality. And she's going to have to admit to other people that she does so little for her son that he's had to hire a nanny! Oh, the shame!

Well tough titty MIL if your friends/siblings/cousins judge YOU. (You being OP's MIL, not OP ...)

"I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way."
Don't you dare change your plans for her. It's not you they'll be judging, assuming they're judging at all.

[ollieplimsoles]

Don't tell her any of your plans regarding your children!

[BeALert]

And if i was going to be completely honest, most SAHMs don't send their under 2s to 2 days a week childcare so that they can walk round Mothercare.

I did, and it was one of my best ideas.

[Atenco]

I think it is a great idea to get your child used to being looked after by someone else before the baby is born, so that he doesn't feel displaced afterwards. Enjoy your free time, OP.

[nooka]

I wonder if it's also about the type of childcare, and the MIL thinks that a nanny is maybe a bit ostentatious? We had a nanny with her own child when our dc were tiny and it was much more affordable than an ordinary nanny (a nannyshare is probably cheaper too). I think it also helped ds adjust to his new sibling better too. She stayed on when I was on maternity leave for two (maybe three) days a week so that ds could still have fun and I could recover. One of our better decisions, I think with two close together the more help you can get, the better.

[Bee182814]

Thank you all - so nice to wake up (even at 5 am! ) to confirmation that I'm not a lazy cow!

Puffinity - thank you, and to you too! perhaps it's my pregnancy hormones that made me feel like it was particularly relevant yesterday 'she's upset me on my birthday, waaaaaaa! ' like an overgrown kid!

Either way I'm feeling much better this morning - thank you all for wise words here. Needed to find my backbone, think I've located it

[MidniteScribbler]

yes, because you do her childcare for FREE!

Everytime she pipes up with her stupid comments, throw this back at her.

[Janecc]

Just seen your post op. I tend to agree that she may be upset because she somehow sees herself as s failure for not helping you as well. And what will everyone else think of her?!!
Is she the sort of person to gossip? I would be telling her as little as possible and if ever berated again by her or any other of your inlaws, make clear a) she was given first refusal and b) you are the mother now and she doesn't get to decide what is best for your family.
And take the opportunity of lots of snuggles when the baby is born!

[Bee182814]

Haha Madam - I bet Mr and Mrs Darling never had to put up with this crap

[MardleBum]

Whether your SIL can or can't afford a nanny is not the point. You can and you can do as you please. I hope you pointed out to her that your SIL gets plenty of daytime childcare for free plus evening babysitting on top from them while you get none, but I suspect she will see that as different because SIL works and 'needs' it while you don't, so I wouldn't waste too much breath trying to reason with her.

What I would say though, is be very careful about having someone else new taking care of your child for quite large chunks of time immediately before and after having the new baby, especially the thing about having time to bond with her without him around. It's very important that your little boy doesn't feel that he's been pushed out to make space for his new sister. He's unlikely to make the connection before she's born, but you need to be very careful once she's here.