AIBU to be upset - in laws don't approve of proposed childcare arrangements

[Bee182814]

I posted a little while ago in relationships but think it's now more of AIBU...

So long story short is I am sahm and hubby works full time. We have 1 DS nearly 2 years and DD on the way in August. My previous post concerned in laws who look after other GC 3 days a week while SIL works. They also babysit evenings and weekends for her but wont/can't do the same for us due to having the other GC and other commitments. General advice from MN was to look for alternative childcare and babysitting options......MIL has called me this morning to wish me happy bday and asked about plans for the day. When I told her I was going to meet potential nanny share... well let's just say she wasn't very happy about it!

AIBU to put DS in childcare for 2 sessions a week if I dont work? It's kind of so I can have time to prepare for baby without having to drag DS round mothercare and so that I can have a few hours a week to bond with DD when she arrives (although I imagine I will spend the time doing laundry and housework etc!)

MIL ' S response was along the lines of 'well your SIL works three days a week and doesn't have a nanny as she can't afford one. Can't you wait until he gets his free nursery hours?' - yes, because you do her childcare for FREE! Also, DS wont get free nursery place until Sept 2017. It is a nanny share so considerably cheaper than nursery etc. AIBU to be upset and confused by this reaction? She can't/won't help out but doesn't like me seeking alternative support? I now don't feel that I can go ahead with it because of her reaction the whole family will judge me in the same way.

Please help me work put if I'm being a total emotional hormonal cowbag as I've been reduced to tears for most of the day by her comments.

[crazywriter]

YANBU. Do what you want for childcare. Of course as a sahm you can put your DCs in childcare. A mum friend of mine does it and really looks forward to her child free afternoons twice a week because she can get so much done. She does so much with the kids when they're home and has days where she just has one child and no he other is in nursery and vice versa to make sure they get one on one time.

It sounds like your MIL is either jealous that you can do this and she never did or that she's put herself in a position where she can't be the nanny. She's just trying to make you feel bad and may be stuck in a generation where women only looked after the kids and house and didn't get time to themselves. Screw her and go along with your plans.

[Bee182814]

I don't think she knew why he was trying to get in touch actually but it upset him nevertheless. I feel terrible for him at the moment, I've never heard him say anything against his mum or sister before recently so it must be really getting to him. DH has always insisted that his parents are incredibly fair and equal in treatment of all of their three children. The nanny lives very near to us actually and can do occasionAl babysitting. Hadn't thought about asking mums of those in nursery actually - great idea, thank you DinosaursRoar

[DinosaursRoar]

She didn't call her DS back when he was trying to see if she coul babysit so he could take his DW out on her birthday, who is the mother of his DC and pregnant with another? Did she know what he was trying to reach her for?

It actually might be very hard for your DH to realise just how favoured his sister is. Can you start getting a list of babysitters together, possibly if this Nanny will sit in the evenings, or ask other 'Mum friends' who have DCs in nurseries if they know if their DCs key workers will do evening babysitting. If you have some details of trained people you trust (not just some local teen when you are talking about pre-schoolers) and keep that list somewhere easy for DH to find, that might make next year a little easier for him to sort.

It must be hard for him to see, has his sister always been favoured?

[Gert]

"unreasonable crying"

[CommaStop]

YANBU. Not her business. If she feels she can't help that's her business, what you do from there is not. I am SAHM and have dd in nursery a day a week because it suits us to do things that way. Know lots of mums on mat leave who have dc1 in some sort of childcare if they can afford it, it's a perfectly normal thing to do.

[Bee182814]

Nobility - I think it's probably exhaustion and pregnancy hormones that made me so upset.

[nobilityobliges]

Tbh I think you're being a bit unreasonable crying because your MIL expressed an opinion. You need to toughen up. Obviously just do what works for you.

[Bee182814]

Ceebie - I've been the one asking prior to this point so maybe that's rubbed her up the wrong way. I told DH recently that he has to ask next time as I'm sure she would be less likely to say no to him. To his credit he spent 3/4 days trying to get hold of her so he could arrange childcare for a bday surprise for me but she hasn't even returned his calls. It makes me sad for him as he's obviously feeling neglected.

[NeedACleverNN]

My dd was just under two when my ds was born. About a month later she was able to go to preschool and it was bliss!

She was at school for 4 hours, three days a week. It gave me chance to bond with my new born, get some well needed rest and do a bit of shopping without a toddler.

Don't regret it for a moment. I also think it helped my dd aswell as it gave her time away from her brother

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

I never even considered taking my older boys out of nursery when I went on mat leave for my third. Good god, I needed that time either alone or just me and the baby.

If anyone judged they didn't say, probably knew I'd tell them to mind their own business.

Your MIL is wrong and rude, it's not her business at all. I like the response up thread about how SIL can afford to bring in another wage due to no childcare costs.

[NickyEds]

My dd was born when ds was 19 months old and I had six months of the two of them together all day every day with no family help. I heaved a sigh of relief when ds could have 3 hours a week at preschool!

[ceebie]

When I started maternity leave for DS, I kept DD in nursery one day per week. However, it just wasn't enough for me, so I increase to two, which struck just the right balance for me.

Your DH is on board, so that's all you need. You do what's right for your family, and never mind what the rest of 'em think.

What a shame your MIL can't manage one evening to allow you and DH to go out! Have you (or rather DH) tried asking "Could you let us know if ever there is one night you might be able to babysit for us, as we'd love to pop out for a meal if we can?"

[PenelopeChipShop]

I agree Bendy, I don't think I know any SAHMs who don't have at all once their dc are aged over around 2 - funnily enough after 2 years at home I reckon the average person is crying out for a break even it's only one or mornings of playgroup. It makes a huge difference.

The only reason I'm even reading this thread is that my nearly 4yo is at nursery while I rest with my 6 week old Dd. I've kept him in for the 2 days I used to need for work just to have time with her and to rest and it's been absolutely essential to my physical recovery from an EMCS tbh.

Do it OP and ignore the judgement!!

[Bee182814]

Bendydick - it's so depressing isn't it? Either you're doing it wrong because you're struggling too much or you're doing it wrong because you're not struggling enough! My DS has finally aged nearly 2 started to sleep through the night - you wouldn't believe the reactions from certain friends 'oh well you should take him to the GP if he's suddenly started sleeping, there must be something wrong with him that you've missed' - the same friends who for the past two years have given various nuggets of unhelpful advice (such as - give him a good smack!) Anyway. I digress. ...

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

Yeah that's weird, why do people boast about how much they struggle? Competitive misery. One-upmanship (more like one-downmanship). Doesn't sound very fun to me

Anyway I think the nannyshare sounds like a great idea OP. I am surprised some people say they don't know any SAHMs who put their sub-2-year-olds into childcare, I'm thinking of putting DS into nursery for a few sessions a week in January when he'll be 20 months. Just cos! Think it would be fun for him.

[BillBrysonsBeard]

Agree with others, just because she struggled through doesn't mean you have to. Surely it's about what will make life easier and happier! You have one life- you do what is right for your family! Some people are martyrs and seem to always be in a "who struggles the most" competition for everything. I go the opposite way and take the easiest route, fuck 'em!

[OneFlewOverTheDodosNest]

Well in light of your most recent post your SIL is either superwoman or a complete martyr, but either way there's no need for you to do things as she did. It sounds like you've figured out what will work for your family, and if you and your DH are happy about it then it's nothing to do with anyone else!

[DinosaursRoar]

so she did have childcare, just not paid for. She did have help, she didn't just have 3DCs all day every day by herself. Don't buy into the lie that unpaid childcare isn't childcare.

And actually, it is your family's fault that you have no family support network - your PIL are your family too, they are chosing not to support you.

You really are only paying for a level of help that your SIL gets for free, not a different level of help.

If the wider family are judging anyone in this situation, it'll be your MIL for only helping with one set of grandchildren, forcing the other side to pay for help, and she knows it. If you weren't paying for help, the extended family might think you were fine without help, but by paying you are making it clear that you aren't fine and do need/want the same level of help as SIL, it's just not being offered. I don't believe Grandparents should have to offer childcare, but I do believe they need to be fair about what help they offer between their adult DCs.

[Bee182814]

Yes - she really didn't have formal childcare when DC2 / 3 were born (twins! ) DC1 could have gone to nursery shortly after they arrived but she didn't want to send her (she isnt/wasn't as a child one for mixing much with people she doesn't know and doesn't really encourage her DD to branch out either) BUT spent a lot of time complaining about how hard it was having three of them at home by herself. I imagine it was bloody hard but she wasn't exactly helping herself! This isn't meant to be a SIL bashing, I actually like her very much and think she does do a lot but her DF and DM were on hand a lot to help at that time though so she did get the informal help.

So I guess I'm being expected to get on with it as SIL had 3 small ones and no formal childcare but a family support network unlike me - not their fault I know.

[DinosaursRoar]

OP - did SIL really not have childcare when she had DC2, or did MIL continue to have DC1 regularly? What happens when SIL has a day /morning off work?

Are you being expected to cope with more than SIL was because "she works"?

[Janeymoo50]

Do it and don't tell her. Nanny shares are a brilliant, personal childcare provision.

[Bee182814]

Puglife - now I think about it I only know of 1 or 2 who didn't have formal childcare for their oldest when DC2/3 arrived - one of them being SIL so actually I can see how her pov might be a bit out of touch with reality as I doubt she's actually in touch with as many other mums in a similar situation as I am, if her only example to compare me to is SIL then I can see why she thinks it's relevant, although it absolutely isn't.

[puglife15]

Off the top of my head I can't actually think of a single friend who didn't have some kind of childcare for dc1 when dc2 arrived, whether informal but regular family support or paid. YANBU but your MIL is BU trying to make you feel bad about it.

[DooblieDooo]

I am a SAHM, Ds1 went to nursery once a week which increased to two days a week when I had Ds2.

Ds2 went to a playgroup 2 mornings a week from the age of 2.

It is bollocks that SAHMs don't use childcare of some sort. I know of loads of us that did it, I met them at the play group.

[Janecc]

X post I see you're doing that ;)