Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

To be a bit shocked at how suprised this woman was that I'm not married?

176 replies

Abbinob · 17/05/2016 11:56

So at work we had someone in from another store covering someone's shift
We got talking and I was talking about DS, she said oh you look to young to have a a 3 year old (I'm 25 but fair enough i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of mine)
Then I told her my age and her next question..
"Oh so how old were you when you got married" explained im not and she looked really shocked at me and started asking why not, do I plan to soon etc etc i said no probably not right now and she avoided me the whole rest of the shift

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right?

OP posts:

Sara107 · 18/05/2016 20:26

OP, in 20 years time your big fat circle head will still be making people think you are younger than your years!

Mildred007 · 18/05/2016 20:41

A lot of these comments are making me actually want to look into my rights!! I have been with my partner for 13 years, have 3 children and a joint mortgage. I work part time but oh pays the bills as it were. I, naively perhaps, haven't thought too much on the legality of our relationship.

Neither of us originally wanted to get married (both sets parents divorced) although the past couple of years i've told him I want to when he's not pissing me off but he definitely doesn't want to. I changed my name by deed poll to share his and my children's name and I wear a ring on my wedding finger so i can pretend i'm married and be seen as respectful I don't care about people knowing i'm unmarried to be honest, even if people assume that I am I usually correct them as i'm too honest lol. Definitely be looking into our legal situation though.

kyph09 · 18/05/2016 20:42

Whoever says that it isn't the norm to be unmarried when they have children are wrong according to the latest statistics
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/politics/9649093/Number-of-unmarried-parents-doubles.html

BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 20:45

Yes, do mildred. Some people are better off being unmarried, so this isn't a blanket 'get married or else' but the person who's part time generally isn't... unless they have other assets or whatever. You can't replicate all the protections of marriage outside marriage, so for example if DP won't marry you then you can't use his unused inheritance tax allowance after he dies. But you can at least make sure you're both aware of the legalities and tie as much down as possible. I hope you have wills too, and if you don't you should get them asap.

I still think this isn't relevant to the issue of whether people should be shocked at a mother not being married though!

kyph09 · 18/05/2016 20:55

Orda1 - yes of course unmarried couples plan pregnancies - I work everyday with people who plan to get pregnant but aren't married. Both my sister and I are with long term partners (over 10 years) and planned all our pregnancies.
Out of my group of friends, the two of us that have masters degrees are unmarried mothers, both professionals and with long term partners, so we are by no means uneducated either!

timelytess · 18/05/2016 20:56

If she was religious, as you said, she have avoided you for the rest of the shift because her religion tells her not to mix with people who are living a 'sinful' or inappropriate life. Its not about you, who you are or what kind of respect you deserve, its about what she's been taught.

Mildred007 · 18/05/2016 20:57

Sorry it just made me think about my own situation lol
No people shouldn't be shocked of course - imo anyway. The majority of my friends are married or at least planning on being married if they're not already but none think any different of me - not to my face anyway lol. I wouldn't be offended if someone was shocked at my relationship status, just means they have different values or upbringing to me. Shame the op's colleague was a bit rude in ignoring her afterwards - now that is shocking.

BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 21:09

No that's fair enough mildred, the thread has def gone that way now and it's perfectly legitimate to think about your own situation after dozens of posts discussing the legal position. YANBU!

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2016 21:22

is it the norm, i dont know anyone who has a planned child who is not married
People do divorce planned child or not.

Orda1 · 18/05/2016 21:59

Kyp - I didn't suggest that these unmarried mothers were uneducated... Not sure what that has to do with anything.

Op suggested that it's the norm for parents to be unmarried but it isn't in my experience.

JemimaHighway · 18/05/2016 22:10

because I would get presents.

Headofthehive55 · 18/05/2016 22:11

I get a lot of surprised faces when I tell people all my children are to the same man. There are big gaps between them and when people ask the ages I tell them...see the cogs whirring and then put them out of their misery by my tag line...yes they are all have the same dad. I really should get a t shirt printed.

Headofthehive55 · 18/05/2016 22:13

Why people seem to be facinated by the parentage of my children is beyond me. It's not like they are k.c. Registered!

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2016 22:21

Nobody raises an eyebrow if a man has several children with different Mothers.

Mumnone · 18/05/2016 23:31

Headofthehive55 I would be worse off if I'd married him. The debt he'd run up would be half mine. No thank you.

I was / am nieve yes. I am a single mum yes. I thought it'd be a garden of roses. It was a pile of poop. But much happier than trapped in an awful legally binding marriage. Got out not long after the engagement ring he'd 'saved' for turned my finger green. We had been together years. Life happens.

Yanbu the lady was rude

blueshoes · 18/05/2016 23:38

OP, you think you can get married when you want to. The fact is, once you have a child with your DP, your bargaining power is much lower. Would you leave your DP if he refused to marry you even though both of you now want a second child? Every child you have with him compounds the problem. Or will you be prepared to cut losses early. Hobsons choice.

Alasalas2 · 18/05/2016 23:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

appleoftheluck · 19/05/2016 00:21

I'm a mother of two children and I have chosen not to marry. I couldn't believe the amount of people that asked me if the baby was planned during my last pregnancy. I would never ask someone that!

Headofthehive55 · 19/05/2016 07:43

My point is that some people are unnecessarily nosey about things that you have done differently to them. And that turns into disapproving comment quite often.

And yes some people are perhaps best off not marrying...those with assets for Example. That unfortunately mainly means men. If I found myself single now, I wouldn't marry again as I have too much to loose.

BonerSibary · 19/05/2016 08:57

Headofthehive55 I would be worse off if I'd married him. The debt he'd run up would be half mine. No thank you.

Are you in the UK mumnone? If so, it wouldn't. Being married doesn't make you liable for the debts of a spouse. If you own assets jointly, married or not, the debt can come out of the other person's share which of course impacts on you. But you're not liable for the debt of a spouse simply because of being married to them and being married doesn't make it any easier or harder for a creditor to go after joint assets.

GigglyPuff1 · 19/05/2016 09:58

We got engaged last March and had pretty much planned most of the wedding by the time and I found out I was pregnant in August. Wedding was in October (6 month engagement) Yet first question his mum asked was, "is this why you're getting married?" !!!

RockMeMomma · 19/05/2016 13:23

My friend was with her dp for 14 years, had two children together. They got married and the marriage lasted less than a year. She said marriage changed them and now they hate each other

JasperDamerel · 19/05/2016 14:23

I know several cases like that.

BillBrysonsBeard · 19/05/2016 14:41

I've know that too, I wonder why that happens when they've already been together so long.

BillBrysonsBeard · 19/05/2016 14:41

known*

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8