Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked at how suprised this woman was that I'm not married?

176 replies

Abbinob · 17/05/2016 11:56

So at work we had someone in from another store covering someone's shift
We got talking and I was talking about DS, she said oh you look to young to have a a 3 year old (I'm 25 but fair enough i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of mine)
Then I told her my age and her next question..
"Oh so how old were you when you got married" explained im not and she looked really shocked at me and started asking why not, do I plan to soon etc etc i said no probably not right now and she avoided me the whole rest of the shift Hmm

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right?

OP posts:
WhoTheFuckIsSimon · 17/05/2016 13:14

I got this from my Dr when I was pregnant. She told me I should get married as research shows married people stay together longer and because I would get presents.

KellyElly · 17/05/2016 13:14

I can't imagine why anyone would actively choose to have a child without the legal framework of marriage. Dear God, did I really just read that Shock

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 13:17

Yes kellyElly I'm aghast too, and that romantic and forgiving soul received a proposal of marriage I presume!

KellyElly · 17/05/2016 13:18

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right? Yep, really weird and rude/old fashioned/nosy. It is completely normal to be unmarried and have children. People split up, people use sperm doners, some people don't want to get married etc etc. It's a really even split among the people I know with kids who is married and who isn't.

Mermaid36 · 17/05/2016 13:18

I'm old enough to have a 16/17 year old and not have been a teen mum myself (a lot of my friends/peers have teens) and I get people looking aghast at me when I mention that I've been married for 14 years and have only just had a baby...

I then get the dramatic whispers about whether everything is alright down there or whether we've had problems or had help etc.

It seems it's also inconceivable that you can be married and not want children... Hmm

JacobFryesTopHatLackey · 17/05/2016 13:26

I did think about marrying DP once, shortly after we moved in together. But it seemed like a lot of effort just to get some kitchen appliances.

Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 13:27

Headofthehive55- The legal framework of marriage would do fuck all for me, unless i want half of DP's godly possesion, The X box

Just googhled Frank Sidebottom- i think he might be my reak dad, going to have to have words with my mum about that one Wink

She wasn't older no, but she was religious so i guess that's it, she was quite obviously british though so you'd think she'd have a few friends whose parents aren't married or whatever? Ah well. people are strange rude i suppose!

When i was pregnant my great aunt said "oh! imagine that, a baby out of wedlock!" but that wasn't offensive to me, just funny.

OP posts:
BadDoGooder · 17/05/2016 13:30

What this thread demonstrates is that some people will find literally anything to judge you on/comment on.

OP YADNU, I would find it rude too.
Me and DP been together 8years, 4 yr old DS. We are not married, and have no plans to be.
Why?
Don't want to, either of us.

Every marriage I know except one has failed. Everyone I know with kids who were married are now divorced. I hate weddings, I am not religious, and I trust DP and his family not to piss me about when it comes down to important things.

Naïve?? Nope, I'm in this with my eyes wide open.

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 13:41

It does give you more protection financially than not in the event of problems.

It's everyone's choice though, I don't look down on someone for not doing. Just as I don't look down on some one for having one, none or six children. Just not for me.

Yes people have babies out of marriage for all sorts of reasons. As 314 said. But I think overall for me it made more sense to be married.

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 13:45

All my friends with children are married. Even at work, I don't know anyone who is living with their partner and has children but not married. I obviously move in different circles!

squizita · 17/05/2016 13:52

i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of min

Me too. I went in for the older pregnant ladies' support once and had to explain I wasn't in the young mum's club. Grin

I think she might be quite ageist too - I have a couple of unmarried mum friends in their 30s and 40s, people don't really register it, or think 'career woman' whereas some folk write off younger unmarried mums as having had an 'accident' which is a bloody cheek.

gabsdot · 17/05/2016 13:57

A friend of mine had the opposite reaction. She got married at 20 and a couple of years later she bumped into an old school friend. She was heavily pregnant and introduced her friend to her 1 year old baby and her husband. Her old friend didn't bat an eyelid at the baby and baby bump but was shocked that she had a husband at age 22

OhGodWhatTheHellNow · 17/05/2016 13:57

Well, I got married for the legal framework - after 15 years and two dcs sod romance! It's just a legal contract (note, no correlation between Marriage and Wedding) and we had a big new mortgage to look after Grin

Statistically I believe the amount of children born 'out of wedlock' has tipped past the 50% mark. Probably the sign of a healthy relaxed society.

Thurlow · 17/05/2016 13:57

It does happen surprisingly often.

I get bored of being told I just haven't met the right man yet. Well, 15 years together, owning a house, with a 4yo and DC2 on the way, I'm reasonably sure I've met the right man. We just don't want to get married, and at the moment financially we are equal and have things tied up to our satisfaction.

However I do think that 99% of people believe that women want to be married, and any unmarried women out there are just being strung along one way or another. It's not generally considered normal that a woman is quite fine without it.

mrsmortis · 17/05/2016 13:59

The legal framework is important, unfortunately. It's what protects you and your child should something happen to your partner. It's a lot harder to set up those same protections for someone you are not married to. The law treats a spouse / civil partner differently to any other type of partner.

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/05/2016 14:05

Most people I know with kids aren't married, it's really not unusual! I imagine her surprise was pretend, it was her way of making you feel like you're really odd.

motherinferior · 17/05/2016 14:06

Yep, like Thurolow said: in our case it is Mr Inferior who quite fancies getting married and me who doesn't feel like it.

I'm nearly 53, btw. And know plenty of unmarried mothers.

PastaLaFeasta · 17/05/2016 14:15

I have a chubby young looking face too. I'm heading into my mid 30s and people are surprised I have kids initially. Weirdly, a friend of DC1 aged 6, was over this weekend and told me my boyfriend was inside - I don't have a boyfriend, I've been married nearly seven years! That felt very weird. I presume her parents are married but they look a lot older than us, as do most parents in this area, which makes me look even more of an oddity.

People are judgemental, but in my case I'm super respectable in the traditional sense (married, small mortgage in London, top rate tax paying husband, no benefits, degree educated and now SAHM around volunteering and studying for professional exams) and I'm still judged negatively because I apparently look young. Mothers in particular can never do anything right so just do what's right for you and ignore people like that.

BillBrysonsBeard · 17/05/2016 14:16

Same here mother It's me who doesn't really want to. Sometimes I feel odd for not being the female stereotype who is gagging for the bloke to put a ring on it! But actually we're more common than people think.

Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 14:16

Honestly never even thought of marriage tbh, i love DP, will hopefully be with him forever but i just don't think about marriage, it would make no difference to us. our lives and seems an expensive waste of time right now.
If i did ever get marred, it would be for the legal stuff tbh, say if we decided to have more kids and me be a stay at home mum and DP the sole earner, or bought a house or whatever, then i would get married, but as it is, we have fuck all assets to divide anyway.

OP posts:
Draylon · 17/05/2016 14:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MargaretCavendish · 17/05/2016 14:28

When I got married (last year) DH and I had to go to a group session with the vicar and all the other couples getting married in that church that year. There were five couples, and we were the only ones who didn't already have children; one couple each had children from a previous relationship, the other three already had children together. I think we're very far past the point of anyone giving a flying fuck about 'unmarried mothers' (and quite right too).

Just5minswithDacre · 17/05/2016 14:29

Drayton even "unmarried mother" as a phrase sounds ridiculous and archaic.

Of course it is completely normal/usual/acceptable in UK society for people to become patents without marrying. Do you live somewhere quite remote to think otherwise?

Draylon · 17/05/2016 14:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 14:35

Uh, it is quite normal actually and this woman was 23, not 83!

My aunt is catholic and had a church wedding, their first DD was a bridesmaid at their wedding. no one batted an eyelid. because it was early 2000s not 1950

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread