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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked at how suprised this woman was that I'm not married?

176 replies

Abbinob · 17/05/2016 11:56

So at work we had someone in from another store covering someone's shift
We got talking and I was talking about DS, she said oh you look to young to have a a 3 year old (I'm 25 but fair enough i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of mine)
Then I told her my age and her next question..
"Oh so how old were you when you got married" explained im not and she looked really shocked at me and started asking why not, do I plan to soon etc etc i said no probably not right now and she avoided me the whole rest of the shift Hmm

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right?

OP posts:
BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 17/05/2016 19:32

Golden! I've been whizzing through this thread looking for someone to refer to unmarried fathers and you're the first to come close Smile

It's a phrase rarely heard but presumably there must be one for every unmarried mother.

Or even more than one for unmarried mothers who have children with different fathers.

Where's the disapproval and stigma for the men?

PortiaCastis · 17/05/2016 19:43

Yes 314 it didn't help that I had to take my exams at 32 weeks but my Father insisted. His thinking was that he'd paid for my education so I was going to pass exams.
I found the worst judgement was at the ante natal classes, couldn't take that so only went twice. I agree with pp that men do not get the same stigmas from society.
After going through a lot of crappy times I still have my dd who is now 17 and doing well.

Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 20:49

Bewitched- don't even get me started on that, when I got pregnant it was "your throwing your life away blablabla" but dp was "such a great man doing the right thing" Shock
When I lived in temporary housing one of the staff was always saying "oh isn't it great that he's taking responsibility and comes over to help out"
oh woopdeefuckingdoo never mind me living on my own with ds and doing everything for him, the dad who turns up at 1pm does a bit of parenting and leaves at 7pm is a fucking god Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 20:50

Twice a week I might add, but oh how great he's taking such responsibility we live together and he is better now!

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 20:56

I think what will equalise things is when the stay at home parent might be quite easily be the dad. They will be the vulnerable ones so I imagine marriage may become more popular again.

Funny enough, although I don't know any couples well that have children without being married several women that I work with are the main breadwinner and have stay at home husbands. Now you wouldn't see that prevalence years ago. It's clearly a growing trend.

scarednoob · 17/05/2016 21:08

We're not married. I own a flat in a naice part of zone 1 with no mortgage and I work; DP is a stay at home dad. We will have a temporary document drawn up to cover an accident or a split, and when we buy a family home it will have a deed of trust protecting what we both put in. Both of us are on the baby's birth cert. I can't see how being married or not would improve my position. The only thing I would care about is whether being a SAHD would give him custody if we split. But that would apply equally if we were married.

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 21:15

You can of course get the same protection if you are not married by filling out the relevant paperwork, but I think a lot of people don't. It's possibly easier and cheaper to get married. ( I don't mean have a wedding)

You may find death in service benefits pensions etc are not as easily dealt him with ( although I am sure again it is possible)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 17/05/2016 21:20

Cheeky bitch. I'd have turned around and said. "When you're going to pay for our wedding and honeymoon, Dear. That's when we'll get married.
Where are these people coming from.

scarednoob · 17/05/2016 21:20

I think the main point is that people should do more to protect themselves - but most don't. In my job I see too much vindictiveness when people split up; you never think it will happen to you. Because it's not romantic and because people don't realise what options are out there. Hopefully as the times change, the law will change too.

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 21:20

scared you can't see how your position can be improved because you are in the position occupied by men when they say it's only a piece of paper. Perhaps that throws some light upon why some men are not interested in marriage?

BonerSibary · 17/05/2016 21:21

You can't. There are some protections only available via marriage. Not saying OP needs them, but they exist.

Foofoobum · 17/05/2016 21:25

I've never had an adult ask me why I'm. It married but a girl at dd's school told her she was a bastard because her parents aren't married and that we should never have had her. This girl's dad has three other kids by three other women none of whom he was married to, so I'd love to know where this 'bastard' talk came from. They're only 6! This has led to awkward questions from Dd about why we're not married. I don't want to say your dad doesn't want to marry me but she won't take "it's not necessary these days" as a good reason.

If an adult asked me or face me attitude I'd tell them to f*ck off

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 18/05/2016 01:04

Actually Abbinob I was hoping it would get you started Grin

It's outrageous that this dichotomy still exists, we should all be shouting about how ridiculous and unjust it is.

LibertyLashes · 18/05/2016 13:59

I get a lot of comments about not being married when I had my daughter. One particularly shocking one was - 'oh your child will be a bastard'
I do not speak to that person anymore!

theDuchessInTheDodgeCharger · 18/05/2016 14:11

I'm quite shocked at some of the posts tbh .... which century is this, remind me?
Marriage is, nowadays, a personal choice, like many other choices you make in life. It's not a badge of respectability or sense. I see it (personally ) as remnants of olden days and a patriarcal society, but I won't judge someone who wants to get married because they like the idea of it... why should someone do the reverse?
I never wanted to get married, neither did DP, our 2 sons ( 16 and 5 ) have so far never been singled out, and I noticed over the years that the majority of their friends parents aren't married either.
If I want to be sarcastic, all but one of my friends who got married have now split up. Most of the ones who didn't chose marriage are still together. It's not a reliable statistic but it's enough to comfort me in the idea that it is nothing but a personal choice..... I get really prickly when people attach moral ideals to marriage!

glasgowlass · 18/05/2016 14:13

I'm not married. Been with DP for 18 years, lived with him for 17 years.
We have DS1 (7) & DS2 (3).
When pregnant first time round & at my booking in appointment the midwife asked me if "baby was planned?" I answered yes very much so, in fact he was 8 years in the making! Her reply "what? With the same man?" I was so shocked I mumbled a yes....wish I had retorted along the lines of, "no actually, I just go out & try to get pregnant with any man that will have me."

It's no one's business if you're married or not. Each to their own. I couldn't give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of my relationship. We are happy, we are committed to each other & we have a beautiful wee family.

As an aside I have a male friend who's been married & divorced twice in the time I've been with DP. Being married does not automatically make a relationship stronger than an unmarried couple.

mrsmortis · 18/05/2016 14:16

scarednob - the biggest difference that being married makes is to inheritance tax (esp. important in your case since you own property). If you are married then you only pay it once, when the surviving spouse dies. If you aren't and die more than x days apart it gets paid on both of your partners estates. This can make a huge difference to the amount of your estate that reaches your children.

manicinsomniac · 18/05/2016 14:20

It was rude, definitely. I don't know how weird it was, sadly.

I live and work in a very traditional, conservative area and am a single mum of 3. I get those kinds of comments a lot. The passive aggressive ones are the worst. 'Where's their father?' (accompanied by meaningful look, raised eyebrow or similar) 'Oh, you're not married? Really? With 3 children .... gosh'

If I can get away with it I grin and say 'one teenage mistake, one rape and one mania driven 1 night stand I can't remember.'

Usually people then laugh because they think I'm joking! Grin Judgemental people deserve it.

Bear2014 · 18/05/2016 14:29

Wow, I'm very glad we live where we live, there are families of all shapes and sizes and no one bats an eyelid. I'm not married to my partner (a woman!!) as neither of us is particularly interested in being part of an institution so deeply rooted in religion and patriarchy. Lots of our straight friends, many with kids, feel the same. To us it is a non issue.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 18/05/2016 14:30

You should have just told her the 1950's were asking after her! FFS. Where has she been living? Under a rock?!

SJL2311 · 18/05/2016 14:31

I think perhaps it is a "middle England" thing as when I had my first child - at 35 - and moved from London to the "country" I wasn't married and had not even considered it to be honest. However meeting new mums at the time I realised I was a rarity as most were married..... they were amazed (not in a judgemental way I dont think?) that I wasn't. Hence I am now married - partly because of that stigma but I also soon realised it was easier financially and personally I just feel more secure.

MammaBean1988 · 18/05/2016 14:36

YANBU!

Not cool man, not cool.

(I would report that to HR or supervisor or whoever, because it's utterly inappropriate in a workplace setting. That said, I waste a lot of time and emotion in social justice war for young and/or unmarried and/or otherwise 'diverse' parents. )

Isthiscorrect · 18/05/2016 14:40

*Ridiculous.

I was not married when I had ds. He's now doing his A-Levels.

No-one batted an eyelid then - last fucking century.*

This^ my mum wasn't married when I was born and my DS is now taking his degree.

Cath40t · 18/05/2016 14:41

I had both my DC out of wedlock. I was 23 for the first and 27 for the second. They are 18 and 21 now. Even back then it was a bit unusual to have kids as young.......but not out of wedlock.
My father in law offered to pay for a wedding. He didn't want me running off with the kids and leaving my poor OH with no rights???????
We did get married when the youngest was about 1 1/2 but that was just to make a visa application less complicated. It didn't however.....I kept my own name and the kids have double barrel surnames......how posh am I?
My mum was delighted we had "done the right thing" and gotten married. She's quite religious......
Take it with a pinch of salt. Some folks are very stuck in their beliefs and inflexible to accepting others way of life.

Cath40t · 18/05/2016 14:45

When we were eventually getting married my DD was speaking to a family member and asked them. "Why are they getting married now? Did they not like each other before?"