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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked at how suprised this woman was that I'm not married?

176 replies

Abbinob · 17/05/2016 11:56

So at work we had someone in from another store covering someone's shift
We got talking and I was talking about DS, she said oh you look to young to have a a 3 year old (I'm 25 but fair enough i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of mine)
Then I told her my age and her next question..
"Oh so how old were you when you got married" explained im not and she looked really shocked at me and started asking why not, do I plan to soon etc etc i said no probably not right now and she avoided me the whole rest of the shift Hmm

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right?

OP posts:
Purplepicnic · 18/05/2016 14:49

People being left high and dry is not because they're unmarried, it's them not bothering to protect themselves.

You see plenty of posters on here lamenting lack of child support payments, exes minimising their earnings etc. Being married won't help you if you married a dick.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 14:50

While it might still be the norm overall for parents to be married, IME, parents under 25 are more likely to be unmarried - frankly, if you had your first DC at 22 (pregnant at 21 or just turned 22?) then there hasn't been time to have had years of living together, saving up and planning a wedding before having a baby, so unless you are from a religous background where living together isn't acceptable/its normal for couples to be married at very young age, it's more likely you aren't going to be married. Her reaction is therefore even weirder if you look younger than 25!

25 is about the age my friends started getting engaged or married (peaking in the insane summer I was 27 and there was only one weekend between Easter and September we didn't have a wedding or hen/stag do booked in, and I gave all my money to the John Lewis gift list website). I only know 2 couples married younger than that, and both cases involved v religous families who wouldn't accept living together unmarried.

Thurlow · 18/05/2016 14:58

Being married won't help you if you married a dick

Exactly.

Mombie87 · 18/05/2016 15:25

I've never been as glad to not have decided to join the very romantic sounding legal framework of marriage when I had my daughter.
Seperating from her father was a dam sight lot easier. And that was 7 years together. Shock horror.
The same laws protect our daughter and he can stick his money up his hole. Win win.Grin

ToddlerOverload · 18/05/2016 15:39

When I met DP and we'd decided we were in it for the long haul kids were more of a priority for us than a wedding... In fact I was still married to my ex-husband when my DS was born (long boring story). It was my DPs favourite line... She's not my wife, she's someone else's Grin

Your set up is nobody else's business don't let her out-dated views bother you.

ChrissyEighty · 18/05/2016 16:00

Are people aware of the Widowed Parent's Allowance (and the £2,000 Bereavement Payment)?

is up to £112.55 a week.
must have been married or in a Civil Partnership.

It would be neglectful to not consider how your children would be provided for should anything unfortunate happen to the other parent.

For example if the mother dies in childbirth, without being married, the father would potentially miss out on £119,052 in payments. (over 20 years at today's rates)

Unmarriedhousewife · 18/05/2016 16:06

2 kids 1 on the way with out 'the legal frame work of marriage'
Why oh why? Because we used the money we would've spent on a wedding to buy a house. Then we moved and renovated.
Here we are years later , no closer to getting hitched because we need to move again.

witsender · 18/05/2016 16:07

Marriage doesn't cost much though quick job in the reg office etc.

I have to say that I only have one friend who has children outside of marriage. Never thought about it until this post.

BrowncoatsUnite · 18/05/2016 16:08

Chrissy, that's what life insurance is for.

Mombie87 · 18/05/2016 16:10

100% get what you're saying and I am aware of that. I helped someone claim that.

From my perspective, 7 years together, a beautiful daughter and find out 13 weeks before our wedding that he was having an affair with a colleague. I've never been as glad to not walk down the aisle.
In N.I the law is 5 years you have to stay married on grounds of irretrievable breakdown before applying for divorce. I didnt/wouldn't have had enough evidence to divorce on grounds of adultery.
The first thing I done after he moved out was purchase my first property. If I die my daughter gets that.
I hope to one day walk down the aisle with someone I love dearly and have a life long commitment with. For me I have financial security in other ways so the financial security of marriage does not appeal to me but can uderstand the security others would get from it with children.

Whatever way we decide to have children is irrelevant. As long as they're happy and loved. Which I'm sure all these children are.

My seperation was dealt with in 2 weeks! I cannot put a price on that. There was no ancillary relief, no solicitor bills, courts, divorces. It was as straight forward as a seperation can be.

ChrissyEighty · 18/05/2016 16:18

Browncoat, of course that would be on top of any insurance.

However I expect many of the same parents who can't be bothered with the marriage paperwork also don't bother with insurance or wills as that would also be too organised and commited.

MirandaGoshawk · 18/05/2016 16:21

It's not really the point in this case but I once had an elderly lady say to me that she was mystified as to why a woman would have dch without getting married. Her take on it was that the woman would be taking a major share of looking after the dch and she needed someone to provide for her. Obviously this reason isn't so relevant these days. But in previous times it would usually be the man who provided, and if there wasn't a man around the woman would possibly really struggle.

Mombie87 · 18/05/2016 16:31

I'm one of 'them' that had children out of wedlock.
Life insurance, critical illness, mortgage payment protection, car, house, contents, buildings, will....Yep think we are pretty covered if I popped my clogs.

DinosaursRoar · 18/05/2016 16:56

Oh and it doesn't surprise me she's young, to be "shocked" that you had a baby at 22 unmarried would pretty much mean either someone very old and stuck in their ways, or someone with little life experience beyond their own family - if her parents have drummed it into her that she would "have to" get married if she got pregnant, then at 23 she might not have lived away from them long enough to realise it wouldn't be their decision or that most people these days wouldn't get married as soon as they found out they were pregnant (even if they later do get married).

elflinwebb · 18/05/2016 17:01

I get the " you don't look old enough " comment all the time ( then when I say thank you or I'll take that as a compliment) they looked shocked as if they intended to be rude ? Hmm. God knows what they would think if they knew I wasn't married Grin ( im 30 with 4 children, first at 19) .
I'm not all that interested in getting married , the children all have daddy's name and we are happy together and have been for over 11 years ! I just ignore the silly comments now !!

JasperDamerel · 18/05/2016 17:03

So people who don't get married are disorganised and lack commitment?

We, too, somehow managed to fall in love, make an active decision not to get married, sort out home ownership, insurance, ISAs, wills etc, have children and stay together so far. As have most of our unmarried friends.

If inheritance tax were to become an issue, we'd probably get married, but we don't have enough savings for that at the moment.

Katherine2626 · 18/05/2016 17:34

Absolutely none of her business. Rude, judgemental person. Let it go!

Zairaakoush · 18/05/2016 17:45

She sounds nosey. Don't give it another thought. I agree with a poster about marriage because that's my ideal. Not everyone's but mine. Just like some people are shocked to see young women with children and assume they are unmarried and then come out with comments like " oh my you are very young" or " it won't last". A poster mentioned a "third of marriages fail" which essentially means two thirds are successful. It's a personal choice and an opnion we are all entitled to.

Headofthehive55 · 18/05/2016 17:54

Its much easier though if you intend on marrying to do so before babies...mine are too hard work to actually enjoy a wedding day with them!

practical as ever.

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2016 18:01

There's still an awful lot of judgmental twats around.
I abhor the sterotyping of us sing!e Mum's, usual codswallop is oh she only got pregnant to get a council house and live on benefits. It isn't so bad now dd is older but I have come across snooty witches saying that kind of thing. They judge before knowing facts

BonerSibary · 18/05/2016 18:39

Being married actually will help you a great deal even if you're married to a dick, in certain circumstances. For example, if the dick dies and his will attempts to leave everything to the dogs home, because he's a dick, you're much better off for having been married to him because you'll have a stronger case for challenging it. If the dick dies leaving an estate that's over the inheritance tax threshold, you'll be better off for having been married to him. There are plenty of dicks who, despite their dickishness, have still ended up paying maintenance to their ex wives that wouldn't have happened had they not been married.

Of course there are also scenarios where being married to a dick will make you much worse off. Like if you're the one with the assets and he decides to divorce you.

Life insurance, critical illness, mortgage payment protection, car, house, contents, buildings, will....Yep think we are pretty covered if I popped my clogs.

Provided neither of you decides to unilaterally amend their will and/or insurance cover without mentioning it to the other, that is. Of course, some people prefer the freedom being unmarried offers in this respect, so the ability of one party to do this shouldn't be assumed to be an automatically bad thing.

BillBrysonsBeard · 18/05/2016 19:04

Portia I really don't understand the negativity single mums receive, I have more respect for them than I have for most people. Being a parent in a two parent family is hard enough. People can be such cunts..

PortiaCastis · 18/05/2016 19:26

Thanks Bill and yes people can be dreadful.

Orda1 · 18/05/2016 19:51

Is it the norm? I don't know anyone who has a planned child that wasn't married.

Either way who cares what she said, I don't think it's unreasonable for her to think you were married but unreasonable to be 'shocked'.

MeMySonAndl · 18/05/2016 20:01

I have had the same from a Thai cleaner...

She came into the house, had a look around and said:

She: big house, you sharing?
Me: No, it is just me and my son
She: you working?
Me: yes, I am working
She: marry?
Me: not married
She: why not? hard working woman, pretty, nice house, why not marry?
Me: because I'm happy as I am
She: marry English man, good husbands.
Me: I think I am ok
She: ???
Me: really, I am happy as I am
She: pah!

I found it so hilarious I forgot to get offended.

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