Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit shocked at how suprised this woman was that I'm not married?

176 replies

Abbinob · 17/05/2016 11:56

So at work we had someone in from another store covering someone's shift
We got talking and I was talking about DS, she said oh you look to young to have a a 3 year old (I'm 25 but fair enough i get this a lot due to big fat circle head of mine)
Then I told her my age and her next question..
"Oh so how old were you when you got married" explained im not and she looked really shocked at me and started asking why not, do I plan to soon etc etc i said no probably not right now and she avoided me the whole rest of the shift Hmm

Aibu to think this is really weird and rude? It's pretty normal to not be married and have kids these days right?

OP posts:
WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 17/05/2016 16:54

Home counties here too and pretty well everyone I know that has DCs is married (and got married first). No one bats an eyelid at those that aren't though.

coldcanary · 17/05/2016 17:07

YANBU. A friend of mine is as religious as you can get - he's a vicar Grin
When we told everyone we were expecting our eldest 2 years before we even thought about getting married he didn't bat an eyelid (to my face anyway!) and not a word other than congratulations was said. Others most of DH's family however were not so quiet and would insist on going in about how 'modern' we were and not so subtly ask when or if we were going to get married.
On our wedding day I found out that my soon to be SIL had been mouthing off about her and her fiancé would be doing it properly and not ttc until after the wedding. She's 3 years younger than me so it's not always older people either!

Marilynsbigsister · 17/05/2016 17:11

Thurlow- I would have thought that was fairly obvious, that if you work and earn enough to pay your mortgage/rent/childcare and all costs, without assistance from a partner, then the situation is not as dire.

However the reality is, less than 15% of cohabiting households have a female who earns more than their partner and over 28% are homes with SAHM to children under 5. I would say it's a serious issue for women, leaving them at a serious disadvantage and in a position so precarious that all it would take is 'a change of heart' or a catastrophic accident/illness by the economically advantaged partner, for a very 'comfortable life' to come tumbling down.

papayasareyum · 17/05/2016 17:17

the legal stuff is so much more reliable and stress free if you just get married. It can be done for next to nothing in a registry office.
I have never and would never judge a couple with kids for being unmarried, but wonder why they wouldn't cover their legal/financial backs with a marriage. It's far more bulletproof (and arguably faster to sort out) than sorting out cohabitee legal docs and let's be honest, how many cohabiting couples have this paperwork? My sisters are both long term cohabitees and neither have it and one still believes she has the same rights she would have as a wife. I've told her and shown her but she still thinks being married offers no protection (and no, they don't have aby other legal paperwork to cover themselves)

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 17:20

lol at ''not in my social circle''.

Unless you're practically an aristocrat or from the travelling community then it's the folks in the middle who are having children out of wedlock.

When somebody says haughtily ''not in my social circle'' I think of hyacinth bouquet who was, lower middle??

HouseOfBiscuits · 17/05/2016 17:21

YANBU. Whatever your stance on marriage, surely everyone knows plenty of parents who are married, and plenty who aren't. It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone.

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 17:23

Marilyn, I agree with you, it is protection to be married, but women shouldn't be made so vulnerable by having children. Why is society structured that way?
I learnt the hard way. I walked away with nothing. But I do remember the judgement. There's more judgement coming at ya when you have the courage to walk away with nothing!

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 17:26

No I am not haughty at all! I don't know how else to describe it, the people I socialise with perhaps or the people I come across in a social situation? Family? As opposed to say the woman serving me in the supermarket who I don't actually know? How else should I describe it?

Marilynsbigsister · 17/05/2016 17:28

Sadly not the 1950's. This is very much the attitude/ laws and reality of 2016.

My best friend had 4 children with her partner. Big shot city broker. With him 25 years. Gave up work when first was born. She wanted marriage. He 'didn't see the need for a piece of paper'. Three years ago whilst working in Middle East he met a twenty something Latvian who saw a huge meal deal...

Three of the kids at Uni. So no maintenance for them.
His THREE houses are his.
She is 'allowed' to live in the family home for another year thanks to the largesse of the ex. (!)
Next year she is homeless.
He earns six figure salary.
The dcs will 'go home' in the holidays to Ex and the Latvian.(who he married 12 weeks after meeting as she demanded it) once she is homeless next year as she will not be able to house all dcs.
She didn't even get the period it takes to divorce, in which to grieve.

At least, had it been the 1950's society would have meant she would never had been in that position. A 'decent' 1950s man would have married her the moment she found herself pregnant with her first child. Society would have expected and demanded it. Sometimes the 1950's provided a hell of a lot more protection .

Also agree with pp who mentioned that here in Home Counties, middle class, it's rare to meet anyone who has had children before marriage. Is it that NAICE middle class families make sure their daughters know that is simply daft to have children before marriage ? That if you provide the children before hand, then you have lost your 'bargaining' chip re marriage, to someone who would prefer to keep his assets to himself ?

Bolingbroke · 17/05/2016 17:44

That is very sobering marilyn.

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 17:45

Marilyn I do agree with you more than you realise. You read Jane Austen and the willoughby's of this world were labelled cads and bounders. In the 1950s a man couldn't walk away from that responsibility either. Now we have a situation where men do what men want to do and women are blamed and shamed for it. And it's their clock ticking. women need support, not judgement and blame.

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 17:49

Marilyn I wish your friend strength and good luck. She will need some luck. Wine

Original poster
Abbinob · 17/05/2016 17:53

Me and dp earn about the same, he's on the birth certificate so has the same parental responsibilities as me, we rent a HA flat in my name and I doubt were going to have any "assets" any time soon, so for me there is no real legal reason to get married at all, I imagine this is the same for lots of people.
Now if we have more kids, dp ends up in a high paid job, we buy a house and we decide I should be a SAHM (unlikely!) Or vise versa then I would want to get married yes to protect the parent not earning.

OP posts:
ateapotandacake · 17/05/2016 17:56

Ah, ha. I wonder what you do and where you work? I was told very sternly by several colleagues that when I moved in with my soon to be h I was giving myself away... "He will never marry you now", "He'll never respect you" and "There will be no more romance left" we're some of the comments I got.
I think it's a cultural thing. They are from a different one to me and also are very religious. I told one lady I was an atheist once and she was Disgusted! Hmm
But it was interesting to work with them, and they're still friends of mine even though I left ages ago.

Bambambini · 17/05/2016 18:05

314 "Unless you're practically an aristocrat or from the travelling community then it's the folks in the middle who are having children out of wedlock."

Sounds like you aren't as worldly wise as you think you are if you either don't realise or can't concieve that some areas and communities can be much more traditional in approach to children and marriage. It's not being judgemental, it's just as it is.

VinoTime · 17/05/2016 18:06

I had a blazing argument with DD's old school when she came home confused about why I had never married my ex - according to their bullshit teachings, mummy's and daddy's got married before having babies. She was in tears that night wondering if 'bad things' would happen to me because I was a single mummy and hadn't married her dad before having her. It was only a couple of years ago and she was 6 at the time. I absolutely hit the fucking roof Angry

I have no time for anyone who holds such draconian views. People are free to love in their own way. Leave 'em be and keep your snout out.

Trashyearrings · 17/05/2016 18:09

Op, I think it was very intrusive for a stranger to ask all those questions. But what's just plain odd is that she ignored you. That was really unkind, and I don't understand the thinking behind it. Forget her and don't let anyone make you feel a way about something that's your business, not theirs.
Im married, but my parents weren't. My dm couldn't be bothered to marry my df, they're still together 100s of years later though. I turned out alright

JasperDamerel · 17/05/2016 18:14

I didn't want to get married because everyone is my family who got married before having children ended up getging divorced. Messily. And told me not go get married ever.

The rest lived together happily unmarried for years and eventually got married very quietly when their children were in their tween or teens and lived happily together until parted by death.

So I'm a bit wary about getting married.

GoldenWondering · 17/05/2016 18:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 17/05/2016 18:23

OP people like that are often just projecting their own crap onto you. Maybe she is married to a plonker who she wishes she'd divorced but was bound by a sense of duty.

Looking down on younger women who have the freedom to be independent and go it alone makes her feel better about the choices she made.

Or maybe she was just a sanctimonious cow Grin

PortiaCastis · 17/05/2016 18:27

I was a single 18 year old Mum. I should have had a t shirt with dirty little whore written on the front, the judgements and sheer nastiness nearly drove me to a breakdown. Eventually I married but I didn't know what a bastard he was going to be, so eventually we divorced. Now at 35 I'm a single Mum again.
Take no notice of the gossips and holier than thou types OP, as long as you are happy with your life that's all that mattters

JasperDamerel · 17/05/2016 18:33

The unmarried couples I know are mostly from nice respectable middle-class backgrounds, including at least two children of vicars. They do tend to come from more of an arts/media/academia background than a banking/law one.

Trashyearrings · 17/05/2016 18:41

Goldenwondering that's awful. Where do you live?

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 19:03

No bambini im worldly wise indeed. I went to a private school blah blah blah and i get to looked down on by pandora clad women whose fathers eere charged with reversing the mileage in their second car business. Im pretty wise now.

314inTheSkye · 17/05/2016 19:05

Portiacastis . That is awful.