AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

Op

We were 'cruel and weird too then'.

I'm happy with that

I didn't have visitors for 2 weeks and know loads of people who had some time to themselves before allowing visitors. The relationships with my family and in-laws is not damaged I know I did what was right for my family.

I get you OP my ds has 3 sets of grandparents too and the first week after having ds I was in hospital, that was a hell of a week and not so much with s just the amount of people coming in and out when all I wanted to do was rest.

Totally agree with others and see how you feel at the time once you've given birth, people will more likely to be reasonable then if you say I'm really s tired today do you mind leaving coming to visit, rather than telling them now 8 weeks before that they are to stay away for a week.

Grandparents perhaps, don't think I could have kept my mil away for a week, we barely see her but that 1st week I saw her 4 days on the run and she would stay for ages in the hospital that the midwives had to ask her to leave.

Absolutely do what you like, just dont believe that its the norm which is what posters are leading you to think.

ridersonthestorm great response, it's how I feel. I know a couple who only let family/friends near their child for a very short time and with a multitude of conditions. The child is almost one! I think that bonds with other family members are formed early on.

I think all families are different and only you would know how they would behave. My DH's parents and my parents are very different people and one set is very in your face and the other set is very laid back. (I'm not going to divulge which is which!)

One week does sound quite a long time though. I think many PPs are right that whatever your choose maybe you should prioritise grandparents over other siblings/relatives/friends.

It's up to you. I loved having no one. In fact the midwife forced me back into hospital on day 2 (I went home the same day) on some pretext because I was entirely home alone and yet being alone with my baby was the most wonderful thing in the world. We managed to get home again a couple of days after that. No grandparents could easily visit immediately due to their work and fac they were hundreds of miles away - thank God. No family lived near by - bliss.

With my own grandchild I (as my parents did) just play it by ear. They were happy the grandparents visit (fairly briefly) the day or two after.

Families differ however. When my father was very ill an then dying his local carers could not understnad that our parents wanted us to leave for universities hundreds of miles from home to forge a life. They thought it was almost abuse not to live within 2 minutes of mother! It is just a cultural difference.

The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me......I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, ........

if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

And BINGO.

Every bloody time. Yes it probably will put out your MIL, understandably, it's her first grandchild too and she's every bit as excited as your mum, but you are going to do it anyway and you have all your reasons and justifications lined up in advance. Well done you.

Personally I think it's really shitty thing to do to keep one set of grandparents at arm's length while welcoming/encouraging the other set, but I am well aware that I am in the minority on MN on this subject.

Still, it explains why so many of you go on to have strained relationships with your MILs and why you complain that your in laws aren't sufficiently interested in your children when it suits you for them to be.

I think yabu. Your family will be excited too!

My mum was outside when I gave birth so was one of the first people to see my son when he was born. It was nice that she was excited and wanted to be involved - and he was her 5th grandchild!

My brothers and sisters came and visited me in hospital that evening.

In laws visited when he was 2 days old as they live further away.

I told friends to give us a couple of weeks to settle in before they visited and they respected that.

It's nice for families to be excited

YANBU in wanting to limit visitors, especially if you are someone who needs more private space, but surely there are options?

Unlike some PPs, though, I think this isn't all about you - you are a very important part of things, of course and your needs and wishes are also very important. But don't forget your wider family's stake in all of this. They are the ones who - hopefully - will develop good supportive relationships with your baby and will be there to support you (the nuclear family) as time goes by.

Giving them a chance to be involved - in a controlled way - right at the outset - is a kind thing to do and an investment in your baby's future.

Haven't read the full 9 pages of replies. But a week seems a long time to make GPs wait to meet their new grandchild.

I am a fan of visits while still in hospital and I would go for that if you feel up to it. It ensures the visit is kept fairly short and sweet and you don't have to entertain at your house. Your dh can take them for a meal afterwards to celebrate. Then you can have some quiet time at home if you want.

This worked much better with my PILs than them sitting on our sofa for hours on end expecting to be waited on hand and foot

With dc1 we'd planned it to just be the three of us at home for a few days. In the end, feeding was a nightmare and my parents ended up coming over for a few days to look after us. They were brilliant - shopped, cooked, cleaned, did the washing. So we could focus on our new baby.

Personally I think this is so sad and precious. The GPs have every right to be excited, when its you turn i am sure you would be. You should be able to set time limits on visiting of course but to deny them a cuddle within a day or so is cruel IMO.

TBH you haven't really come on here to ask opinions and you are pretty sure what you want anyway. At the end of the day it is your choice as it is your baby but either way I can never imagine favouring one set of GPs over another.

I do absolutely accept that as I am quite a sociable person that I probably do find this attitude very difficult to understand so probably out of order. Having a baby is a normal part of life so I really cannot see the huge deal. I had one awful birth/very ill baby too but the support from family and friends was so needed.

I hope either way it works out for you of course, exciting times ahead for you with a newborn!

In RL I have never actually met or heard of anyone that has no allowed GPS or close friends to visit either. Only on MN, it's a real eye opener. I openly admit (now) I may have tried this with XMIL if XH and I had DCs as I completely hated her but I am sure I would have convinced myself it was because I needed bonding time etc.

I was in hospital for a week with both of my dcs so that does limit visiting but I never stopped anyone from coming.

Once I was home we were open to all comers and it was never a problem

In fact after dc1 was born we drove him to mils (120 mile round trip) when dc1 was 2 weeks old because it was Christmas day and she was longing to see him but could not visit us because she was housebound. So glad we did because she died before the next Christmas.

The following day I entertained my family df, db and ds to dinner and tea round ours. Was pretty tired afterwards but was never precious about ourselves and baby - just got on with it.

I think a lot of PP have failed to pick up on the fact that you are overly anxious when it comes to visitors and socialising in general. This is obviously going to make post-birth visits much more difficult for you in comparison to the majority of us. It's a very emotional time and you will likely be tired and overwhelmed, so anxiety about visitors is understandable. Presumably your close family know that you struggle in this regard and will cut you some slack and understand that you need a bit of space and time.

I also don't agree with the suggestion that time has to be split perfectly equally between DM and MIL. Maybe in the longer term, but in the first few days post birth you may decide that you want your DM around more often in her capacity as your mum to offer support. I don't see any issue with this. It's a completely different role to MIL, who is there predominantly for the baby. My baby is due any time now and I've already prepped my DH for this. He knows that if I'm struggling to BF, tearful and want some advice and help with intimate issues after the birth, it will be my own mum that I need, not his. I love my MIL but we're not close enough that I can share details like this with her. That's not to say that I will keep her away, but it might be that she doesn't get the same 'facetime' as my mum straight off the bat. My DH is totally supportive of this because my health and happiness (and obviously that of the baby) is his priority at the moment and not family politics.

Fewer topics on MN annoy me more than this one but first:

Yes personality type will make a big difference to your approach here.
I'm an introvert and if I feel vulnerable I don't want to see or speak to anyone, I need time to get my head around things on my own. I wasn't going to spend the first days of my child's life feeling anxious and miserable because people are impatient.

Honestly, wait and see how you feel. Are they the kind of visitors who will bring you whatever you need, and are open to all requests? Prepare them for the fact that you dont know how you will feel and might need a few days to adjust, but youll be sure to let them know as soon as youre ready.

Something my sister said to me, was that she'd been complaining to a freind about how are Mum was banging on about me giving birth and pregnancy etc, even though my sister was only 10 weeks behind. Her friend pointed out that Mum as a former midwife knew what could go wrong, and was basically crapping herselef that it might happen to her youngest hild and first GC. So yes, they'll be worried about you too!

Gah - don't know how that happened!

Absolutely outrageous that ilive was hogging a 20-minute old baby. Not even my husband wanted to take my baby when she was minutes old as he rightly knew that just born babies need their mothers!

Well, someone better start saving for DD1's counselling in that event as she was separated from me for well over an hour while I went to theatre to be put back together after she was born. DH held her skin to skin in the delivery room. Four years on she seems fine....

Those of you who scream "You can't leave anyone out!!" on these threads are clearly wonderfully extroverted people who derive energy from having others around. For some of us, who might be perfectly socially adjusted, actually, having a massive change like this might take us a little bit longer to get used to and sometimes (shock horror) we might want our Mums! This isn't a reflection on our feelings for anyone else.

And for those saying "What does DH think?"......when my DMIL showed up at the hospital to where she had been invited by my DH, and then came home with us when he were discharged, and this was our first child after a four year struggle with infertility, how do you think that made me feel? And yes, four years and another child on, I am still cross about it.

As soon as you are pregnant and have a baby it seems as if a woman has to just accept intrusions whenever and wherever! I felt like deaths door after all mine, didn't want to get dressed and I wished I could have told people to stay the hell away!

Having said that, close family and friends are our support and having a baby means a lot to other people in the family. It's great that your DP is totally backing you up, that is half the battle. There are a couple of people you should consider being 'the first' to hold the baby, your mother and MIL, father FIL - they will appreciate it so much. You could always explain you wanted a few days, or a week, and either let both of them have at least an hour to have photos and hold the baby, as soon as you are able. They'll be able to tell the rest of the family and feel important to you.

Everyone else can be put off for 2 weeks, even do it like open houses, have an afternoon that everyone can come around rather than an annoying trickle.

Or say to everyone that they can come but only between 5 and 7pm and they have to bring dinner!

Blimey ! When I had my kids I was grateful and pleased to have visitors.
And do remember that the grandparents aren't just that - they are parents too. They still love their children the same as they always have.
Just because precious, much loved children are grown adults doesn't change anything; those adult children are every bit as important, precious and much loved to their own parents as ever.

In the aftermath of childbirth, the only thing that matters is the well-being of the mother and baby. Pressure, demands and unnecessary anxiety from family at this time can be a factor in developing post-natal depression for women who need peace and quiet to recover. And some really do need that (eg me - thank god I had DC2 and DC3 in different countries, so no visitors at all in the early days).

Therefore, it is only right that whatever happens in the immediate aftermath is what the mother is comfortable with.

Therefore, if it is no visitors for two weeks, then that is what it should be,

I would probably recommend a half-hour visit to allow the grandparents only to see the baby the day after you get home - but they don't get to "view" you if you want to stay tucked up in your bed. And don't worry about being "fair" to the paternal grandmother. You have your recovery to take care of and if you need your mum for that, that is perfectly fine.

Those of you who scream "You can't leave anyone out!!" on these threads are clearly wonderfully extroverted people who derive energy from having others around

Nope, DH and I are both shy people. I was shy about breastfeeding initially but it wasn't a problem to go through to another room and feed and still have a conversation through the open doorway.

It's still cruel to ban GPs and close family from seeing the baby for a week. And it's even crueller to let one set in and the other not. YABVU. I have sons not daughters and if this was done to me I'd be absolutely devastated. I'm also a stubborn cow so I'd be inclined to think "fuck you" so it would destroy my relationship with baby's mother and probably baby too.

Middlings your DH holding your baby because you were in theatre and unable to have skin to skin is a bit different to having your sister rush in 20 minutes after your baby is born and taking her off you when you are perfectly capable of holding her yourself and should be enjoying some bonding time.

The best visits are short and sweet. The best visitors know that. I always wanted everyone to see my wonderful new baby but then GO!

I remember sitting for 5 hours once, simultaneously trying to breastfeed my new born and entertain a toddler whilst my ML yakked on. Totally thoughtless and draining so I know the pitfalls. Its precious time you never get back.

A new baby can be such an joyous, wonderful thing in everybody's life. I think it would be sad for you if your families were not really excited.If there was a way that the GPs could make a short visit to say hello, and then leave you to it for a week or so I think you should do it. You are the mother and you call the shots but this is also, rightly, a big part of their lives. Excluding one grandmother and not the other will cause sadness.