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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
primarynoodle · 17/05/2016 02:15

I actually cant believe some of the responses on here..

Babys are not dolls and labour is not having your legs waxed.. its a major medical procedure that requires recovery time (especially if a cs) and if its your first baby then you have to actually learn how to look after a baby too (including feeding)

It is absolutely 100% NOT selfish to want a few days to settle in before people come and play pass the parcel. As if their right to want to meet baby overrides your need to recover and bond! Hmm

Do what YOU are comfortable with op - making comprimises where you feel happy!

MadamDeathstare · 17/05/2016 02:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dailymaillazyjournos · 17/05/2016 03:01

DD said she wanted a few days before any visitors and asked if I minded. I said it was completely up to her and DSIL and that I was fine with it. I also said if they changed their mind at any time that was fine too. I got a stressed out call the day after the birth to say they hadn't slept, dgd had shrieked all night, they felt overwrought (complications and cs section needed) and could I come over please. I said that was no problem.

Bearing in mind you have potentially a lot of visitors straining at the leash, it's fine to say grandparents first and the rest when you are up to it.

I think it's absolutely ok to want your Mum as opposed to your MIL, if you decide you do want a bit of a hand. DD said she would have felt really stressed asking her MIL to help her in the shower because she couldn't wash her lower legs and feet very well after the section, and have her there while she frantically tried to feed/express and was leaky and emotional and felt grotty. She said I was used to seeing her at her worst and she could just be herself. It's not a reflection of how you feel about your MIL, just that your Mum is your Mum as it were.

Really hope all goes well and it's great OH is so supportive and not trying to make a case for half the world turning up at your door as soon as the placenta is out.

Redwoman · 17/05/2016 03:59

The anticipation is worse than reality, don't stress about it. Have a code like "I'd better go change/feed him/her" as your excuse to leave the room if it's getting too much. I would even say something like "so I'll say goodbye now" if it was time to go. People generally understand I think.

CantAffordtoLive · 17/05/2016 07:17

You are NBU at all. You do things exactly the way you want to. This is a very special time for you and your family and you have no obligations to anyone. If you feel you want your mum then that is fine, just because you have a MIL it does not mean she is on an equal footing, she's your DH's mum, not yours.

Congratulations BTW Flowers

nightandthelight · 17/05/2016 07:18

I went with 'we will arrange visits once baby is here' and that worked really well. I was in hospital longer than expected so ILs visited us there. My parents were really busy with work so DS was three weeks before they were able to come down (entirely their choice).

I was floored by having a baby, I have never been through such a tough time, some days I could hardly stop crying and at my lowest point I was looking up giving him up for adoption. It got better at six weeks though!

Not setting any rules helped in that situation as I veered between wanting people with me so I didn't feel desperately alone and isolated from the world and wanting to curl up in my bed and cry all day without anyone looking at me. So we organised visits day by day depending on how I felt.

ilive wouldn't have been able to get her hands on a 20 min old baby at my hospital. MW was very clear that the first couple of hours baby is to be held by parents only. At 20 mins I was being stitched up on gas and air while trying to breastfeed!

verytiredmummy1 · 17/05/2016 07:18

I wish I'd had no visitors for a bit longer last time. This time I'm saying no visitors at hospital and they can visit when we're home. Last time I was inundated with visitors after a very traumatic birth and it was a bit much. This time I'm putting my foot down! At least until we're home. Yanbu at all xx

nightandthelight · 17/05/2016 07:24

I think the key thing to stress is that people can't just turn up, it is to be agreed with you first. Also make it clear that if guests want food and drink they sort it out themselves (and sort you out at the same time)!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 07:28

Thanks dailymaillazyjournos I like your point!

If I want my Mum here immediately after birth then I will. Tough. It won't be because I want her to meet baby first or anything petty like that but because I NEED her as my mother. Even though I like MIL, we're not close and doubt we ever will be... It's my mum who I'll probably want helping us if my OH is struggling (I'm a nightmare as it is without a newborn Blush). I don't mind my Mum seeing me in a state, emotional, dirty etc.
If that makes me selfish and cruel then so be it, but if at the time it's what I want then that is what will happen.
I'm not going to try and please everyone and feel guilty for wanting to bond with my baby or asking my Mum for help. I'm not going to stress!

Thanks ladies Grin x

OP posts:
sneakyminders · 17/05/2016 07:31

I haven't read the thread. But

  1. You have no idea how you will feel after baby born.
  2. Congrats on pregnancy but you are a bit acting like the Queen of Sheba and the first women ever to have a baby
  3. I know people who have decreed no visitors then felt abounded and baby undamaged because of said decree
  4. Good luck and keep a VERY open mind with birth, baby and everything!
RidersOnTheStorm · 17/05/2016 07:31

If that makes me selfish and cruel then so be it, but if at the time it's what I want then that is what will happen.

And what does your DH want? Surely he gets a say, you're having his baby. You sound very selfish from your last post.

Oysterbabe · 17/05/2016 07:35

And what does your DH want? Surely he gets a say, you're having his baby.

That's right, she's having the baby. She's having the physical trauma and emotional roller coaster so it's her call.

nightandthelight · 17/05/2016 07:37

I agree oyster, last time I checked DH hadn't had his parts cut open with a pair of scissors leaving him barely able to walk.

blueturtle6 · 17/05/2016 07:38

We took 1 day old to visit both grandmothers, it was hard walking from car. But glad did it, my parents then helped for a week by coming over when dh had to work, but they helped not hindered so was grateful. Visitors who had to be looked after no chance!

RidersOnTheStorm · 17/05/2016 07:38

She's having the physical trauma and emotional roller coaster so it's her call.

I don't agree it isn't the 1950s. Fathers are important as well, excluding his family against his wishes is not a good start to joint parenting. Babies are born every day, it's not an unusual occurrence. Most people like to involve the families and make joint decisions.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 07:39

RidersOnTheStorm I'm lucky enough to have an amazing partner who's so laid back (he's practically horizontal!). He has already reassured me that it's my decision, so long as I'm happy, he'll be happy. I know he means it too! He really loves me as I do him, if he really wanted his mum here then obviously she'd be here. But he doesn't, he wants what's best for me and us as a family. I'm very lucky I know!

OP posts:
blueturtle6 · 17/05/2016 07:42

Additionally I do believe it is different for a maternal gp, as it is their daughter who has gone through birth and pregnancy. The end result is a grandchild equally if all gps, but the physical trauma is on the mum, hence probably needs her own mum and not a woman she may only have known a couple of years.

zoemaguire · 17/05/2016 07:46

A week before being allowed to see your grandchild?! These threads always bemuse me. Obviously yanbu to limit visits, but a quick hour with a brand new grandchild seems a truly mean thing to begrudge a grandparent. A 7 day old is very different to a one or two day old. And think of yourself with your future son, knowing other granny has been visiting all the time but you have to wait a whole week? You underestimate what a big deal a new grandchild is! Iknow your wishes are a priority after giving birth, but within limits!

Janeymoo50 · 17/05/2016 07:58

7 day wait to see a newborn grandchild, ahhh MN at its worst.
Totally unreasonable stance to take.
I'm wondering the reaction from you when asking said grandparents to babysit and they say ok, but not until a week later than you need it.
It's only on this forum that I've ever come across anything like this.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 07:59

And he dictates those limits?

After this thread and talking with OH, we'll do what's best for us at the time. Be that one, two or three weeks or maybe a day or two, who knows! But it's our decision and our baby Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 08:01

Who* not he!

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/05/2016 08:02

I stand by it being cruel and weird.

I had a 36 hour labour and an emcs and borderline blood transfusion with my first. My family were local and able to visit that day. DH's mum didnt live locally and would find it difficult to get to the hospital. I checked out after 3 days and we drove the next day down to see her. I'll never forget the look of joy on her face when we turned up. Yes i was exhausted but I would never have made her wait or wanted to.

I am not expecting some kind of award and i know everyone will feel different, but honestly OP it isn't normal no matter what people on here would make you think. The majority of people saying to do it didn't or won't do it themselves but are encouraging someone else to do it.

RidersOnTheStorm · 17/05/2016 08:04

It is your decision and your baby. But the baby will be part of a wider family and that family will help with his/her upbringing, support you, baby sit and help in hundreds of way over the years.

Being precious this early on could damage that relationship.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 08:06

OneMagnumisneverenough I actually don't care whether it's normal or not. I feel happy with what we've decided. I'm not going to make myself unhappy just because doing/allowing something is considered 'the norm'.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 17/05/2016 08:07

Op yanbu at all.

We did exactly the same. Said originally No visitors to hospital but I was in a few days after CS so invited my parents to pop in.

We didn't have visitors to the house for about a fortnight though. We had just moved house also though, so was a bit of a mare.

Good luck

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