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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 17/05/2016 09:36

Everyone feels differently because we have different family dynamics. Some family members live nearer.

I can see why you are worrying about it as your family live a distance away and are likely to come en masse for a big, tiring visit when you will be in your pyjamas and the house will be a little upside down.

I can also see why you wouldn't mind your mum coming over to help you - that is perfectly natural.

If you have a sister and are close to them like ilive then also a visit close to birth is usually acceptable (that's how we do it in our family) we sort of become second mothers to each others children and are in and out of each others houses lots.

If your mil is reasonable, just ask your dp to give her a ring and explain that you will want a little while without visitors and although you know this will be hard for them (they'll be desperate to come) it's just because you won't feel comfortable with lots of people seeing you trying to bf in your jim jams. She'll understand if you explain why. If you just say 'no visitors' then she might get a bit paranoid. But if you explain the fact you find lots of people uncomfortable especially when you are vulnerable eg just had baby then she'll get it.

You don't have to justify having your mum help out because your relationship with her is totally different.

When I had my dc I was happy with short visits with pil and my mum was a bit more hands on with helping me get things sorted. When feeding went a bit tricky and my boobs were out all day I said no to a few visitors. They understood because I said 'basically, I'm in my jim jams and my boobs are literally out all day' and they left me to it.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/05/2016 09:36

clo but what about babies taken straight to special care? We didn't get to hold our ds at all for over 8 hours.

MardleBum · 17/05/2016 09:37

Bananas I am sure that in the event of a traumatic birth and the mother feeling at death's door most people would have the good manners and good sense to not overwhelm or crowd them in the early days, and if not then they can politely but firmly be told they need to wait for a bit.

But no-one knows how they are going to feel physically or mentally until the baby is there. I do think it's incredibly precious to announce weeks in advance who is welcome to see the baby in the first few days and who isn't, and if that diktat excludes the paternal grandparents but includes the maternal grandparents, the new mum's sister/best friend or whatever then I think it's a really controlling, shitty and entitled thing to do.

thebigmummabear · 17/05/2016 09:39

I have had two children, both were horrible, one an induction which went wrong and left my dc disabled and one was a c section and i was in hospital a week afterwards. However, part of the excitement was seeing family and them coming to see and hold the new baby. I wouldn't make provisions before you have had the baby, just wait and see how u feel as u may be surprised. You may feel better/worse than expected and it may be nice for someone to pop over for 30 mins for a cup of tea and bring some goodies round whilst u catch up. I never turned any friends/family away when i had my babies because if they made the effort to come then i didn't mind them staying for a little while. I always find these threads a bit precious as the same people often moan only a few months on that the grandparents don't bother/make effort etc and they don't remember how they may have shoved the same people out only a matter of months before. One day your little bundle with have a bundle of their own and you may be the one pushed away from seeing your little grand baby. Obviously its unto you but grandparents at least should in my opinion be able to see the little one.

Chlobee87 · 17/05/2016 09:39

I'm also a stubborn cow so I'd be inclined to think "fuck you" so it would destroy my relationship with baby's mother and probably baby too.

Tbh if you were my MIL with that attitude I'd consider myself better off without the "relationship". That's just cutting off your nose to spite your face because it's not all about you for once. Who do you think would miss out if you allowed your relationships to be destroyed? Your DS, DIL & baby (who will be busy and have lots of other supportive family around) or you? I'll give you a clue. It would be you.

thebigmummabear · 17/05/2016 09:39

*both births were horrible, not the children!

Chlobee87 · 17/05/2016 09:43

GiddyOn I don't really understand - that's my exact point? You can't compare a situation where babies have to be separated from mum due to medical reasons etc. to a situation where a selfish family member storms the delivery room 20 mins after birth and grabs the baby just because they want a cuddle.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 17/05/2016 09:45

I do have a real issue with anyone who would be angry, cross or put out with a mother for ANY decision about visiting after childbirth. How selfish can you get? The woman has just been through total trauma and also it is vital her and the baby are given time, if that's what they want.

I'm sorry but inclined to think 'fuck you' so it would destroy my relationship with bab's mother and probably baby too you are off your head and incredibly selfish!! Blimey!

Of course, there are people waiting to hold that little baby and that is wonderful, and as soon as a mother felt up to it WITHOUT pressure that is great. If anyone piled in a whole load of pressure and anger into a new, vulnerable mother, I'd think you can go take a hike yourself!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/05/2016 09:47

Just because precious, much loved children are grown adults doesn't change anything; those adult children are every bit as important, precious and much loved to their own parents as ever.
See now you're assuming that everyone has parents who cherish their children. Not every parent is like that.

middlings · 17/05/2016 09:51

Oh Chlobee87, don't get me wrong - in the context of this conversation I think ilive redefines the concept of selfish pillock. The point I was making was that newborns do very well sometimes with people other than their mothers, who may be somewhat indisposed!

ollieplimsoles · 17/05/2016 09:51

I'm also a stubborn cow so I'd be inclined to think "fuck you" so it would destroy my relationship with baby's mother and probably baby too.

Just wow. Nightmare mil in the making.

Lets hope your future dils have perfectly straightforward births and feel well enough to indulge your entitled attitude.

middlings · 17/05/2016 09:56

It's still cruel to ban GPs and close family from seeing the baby for a week. And it's even crueller to let one set in and the other not. YABVU.

OneMagnum I'm afraid I have a much higher bar than this for the definition of "cruel." It isn't at all cruel. It's incredibly selfish for ANYONE not to take into consideration the feelings of BOTH new parents and then make a judgement.

I remember sitting for 5 hours once, simultaneously trying to breastfeed my new born and entertain a toddler whilst my ML yakked on. Totally thoughtless and draining so I know the pitfalls.

Oh yes, Spiney. Whilst, in my case, not realising that I was a complete mess emotionally. DH does feel bad about that one actually as I completely collapsed when they finally left.

BillyGoatGruff007 · 17/05/2016 10:00

See now you're assuming that everyone has parents who cherish their children. Not every parent is like that.

Oh yes, you are right of course, and I would always respect the new parent's wishes.
Thankfully, my own parents and mum-in-law were brilliant as, I hope, I am with my kids and their children.

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 17/05/2016 10:05

I really regret not putting my foot down with visitors when I had my DD. No would arrange short visits for immediate family saying an hour tops visiting time (bringing food with them) and put all other visitors off for a week.

Just to say, I really struggled to bond with my baby in the first few weeks as we had so many visitors and in between that the GPs insisted on visiting that I didn't really get to cuddle her at all....put your foot down and make sure you stick to it.

Good luck Flowers

ollieplimsoles · 17/05/2016 10:06

I agree with midlings. I tried to the the fair thing with my mum and mil but straight after the birth I really wanted my mum. I spent 9 months talking intimately to her about the experience I was about to have and I wanted to tell her all about it. Mil was just bothered about the baby and I wanted someone close there who would understand my anxieties about feeding and ds was really small, almost needed nicu so I was really focusing on feeding constantly and keeping her warm.

I don't think its cruel to keep gps and other visitors away til you feel up to it. Some of us don't feel comfortable slouching around in pjs with people there, giving birth is very intimate and personal and the recovery is part of that.

Once I got home I just wanted to enjoy my baby and my husbands time off alone.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/05/2016 10:09

So you don't think it's cruel then to invite in one grandmother and say to the other you can't see the baby for a week?

Obviously no reasonable person is expecting an hour long visit with cuddles just after the birth, but a 10 minute pop in to see the baby and bring a gift and congratulations is not inappropriate or imposing.

But it's not also selfish to not allow that? - aye alright then...

I would hope that my sons would have better judgement than to choose someone like that to share their life with. It is nasty and cruel and yes I would be hurt and I would feel that the relationship was damaged.

It's not an entitled attitude at all and I didn't have straightforward births but I was understanding enough to know that grandparents and family are excited to meet their new grandchild. I had mine in the days before you could take photos and relay them straight on so they would have completely missed those newborn days.

Postchildrenpregranny · 17/05/2016 10:14

So much less stressful when you stayed in hospital for several days after childbirth with strictly limited visiiting hours /number of visitors ..
I enjoyed visits from a couple of local friends, my assistant at work ,a neighbour and her teenage daughters (who were thrilled and fascinated to hold a newborn)and father -of -three best man who worked with DH.And being rich brought the biggest bunch of flowers I've ever seen I just held court in my hospital bed
But our close families lived long drives away as did most of our friends .So my DPs and brother came up a week later for Sat/Sun and mum stayed on for a week when DH went back to work .We then took pfb to stay with my PILs (first grandchild on both sides).Everyone seemed perfectly happy
I suppose its more difficult when your famil and friends are local I do think it would be harsh to exclude GPs but I'd put my foot down about anyone else .And the aunt above has a breathtaking senseof entitlement imv

middlings · 17/05/2016 10:15

OneMagnum your post assumes that all people are reasonable. Mine proves they're not.

And I still think the use of the word "cruel" in this context is inappropriate. Forced child labour is cruel, not allowing solo child migrants out of refugee camps to safety is cruel, forcing disabled people into poverty is cruel, mistreating the elderly is cruel.

This isn't. At worst it's a bit hurtful.

Oysterbabe · 17/05/2016 10:16

It probably won't be a 10 minute pop in though will it? I don't know where OP's family and in-laws live but mine are all a couple of hours away so would expect a long visit for their 4 hour round trip. It's better for everyone to wait until you're up to that.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/05/2016 10:17

Magnum but if the person will stay for 5 hours and expect a lunch, chat and your undivided attention, is it reasonable to say no? And if shuffling them out the door any sooner would cause a problem or indeed going upstairs to rest or feed in peace would be 'rude', what then?

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/05/2016 10:26

Magnum but if the person will stay for 5 hours and expect a lunch, chat and your undivided attention, is it reasonable to say no? And if shuffling them out the door any sooner would cause a problem or indeed going upstairs to rest or feed in peace would be 'rude', what then?

I said at the beginning it's entirely reasonable to set limits on visiting times and to not allow all and sundry to pick up and kiss the baby. I just don't think it's reasonable to have a blanket ban on anyone seeing the baby.

LagunaBubbles · 17/05/2016 10:30

I do agree GPs should see baby but is a week really that hard to wait

Up to you entirely but I would never have made my sons GPs wait a week to see their new Grandsons.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 17/05/2016 10:30

But you're ignoring the truth that some people would take as much offence at limits as they would at being asked to wait. And you might as well be hanged for a sheep than a lamb.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/05/2016 10:51

I find myself being a little perturbed by anyone who can't grasp the concept that it's fairly natural to want close support after a fairly traumatic experance and that usually that support is best offered by someone who can prioritise you and that you feel totally comfortable seeing you in a state.
For many people that would be their mother for others it may be an in law for some it may be a paid HCP or a friend.

They are there to help and support the person why just gave birth they are not there to go cooing over a Ickle baby if it is a family member the relation to the baby is a secondary factor and a by product.

mrsrhodgilbert · 17/05/2016 10:55

I think it's very controlling to say your mum can visit but not your partners mum. A newborn is precious to everyone. Unless there are serious issues between you it will cause hurt if you keep her away for a week whilst allowing your mum in. It doesn't need to be the whole extended family. What if you have a son, imagine this being you in the future. I bet you'd feel different then.