AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

Thanks everyone for your input x

Do what is right for you and the baby.

When I gave birth is the only time I didn't feel guilty for being selfish and neither should you.

Yes very exciting for grandparents/siblings etc but it's your body that just took the toll, therefore your wishes should be accepted gracefully.

Bambino will still be there 3 days/a week/2 weeks later.

Perhaps ilive had been invited to visit 20 mins after delivery? And yes wild horses wouldn't have kept her away. It depends on how you read her comment. you all assumed that she had forced her way in but she might have been phoned to visit. That very thing happened today at work, relative delivers, phone went, please can you come to see...relative sped off downstairs to see etc. No force from what I could see!

I think it's a bit weird if I'm being honest.

YANBU we allowed grandparents and siblings but we have great relationships with them. One set we returnING DD1 to us last time as they looked after her (PIL) and they never outstay their welcome. All other visitors we asked for a week so DD1 could get used to being a sister and I had peace. Everyone understood and most phoned before calling over.

I'm a granny both my adult children have their own children and it did not bother me in the slightest that both new families wanted time alone before I visited.

I also understood that my DIL had her mother to help her earlier than I visited and thought it was a very sensible soloution she was obviously going to be far more comfortable with her own mum seeing her knackered and in pain than she would be with someone who is not her mum.

Perhaps it helped that I also have very young children as well so the after pains are very much fresh in my memory.

I have a very close relationship with the grandchildren and nobody suffered in any way,no hurt or distress was caused.

Jesus, do what you want. I'd be the nuclear one if a ton of people descended immediately after the birth. This is your baby, and your dh's. Everyone else can wait until you're ready, tough. It's not 'unfair', it's your baby, not theirs.

OP you've had lots of advice on here which is great, I hope you're feeling more comfortable about saying what's right for you.

The one thing I would add is that the excitement around the baby is high right now for you and also for the new grandparents, but slightly contrary to your worries about the hoards descending on you, I would say please don't feel too let down if you find people aren't as forthcoming as you seem to think they will be. Most people either understand that new parents want space, or else actually often are not really that interested in babies, so I really wouldn't worry about it too much. I echo others on here, I think grandparents should be the first there and as early as you can manage (as long as they don't come with a suitcase to stay). Good luck.

I read beginning of post and already knew halfway down the reality would be, you don't want your DCs paternal grandmother there but you want your own mother there.' I think thats horrible but in the unreality that is MN, women usually get support for this over-precious separatist nonsense. Doesn't bode well for family life tho but its your baby, your call so do what you want just own it, don't pretend

I could have written your post op!

Icant stand fil and his wife and mil has become incredibly pushy and overbearing about the baby. I also dont get on with my mum really so although my dad could come and cause me no stress, she would cause me lots!

The idea of any set of gps visiting is filling me with dread at the moment but dp just doesn't get it - i think its made worse as we lost a baby at 14 weeks last august so im even more pfb than most right now... weve so far comprimised on NOBODY at the hospital followed by nobody for at least one full day at home to get to grips with bf etc before allowing one very short visit in the first week.

I'm not quite as pregnant as you, but when this baby is born all immediate family(aunties, uncles and grandparents to baby) are having a couple of trips(no more than 2 hours to see baby then I want a few days(3 or 4) to get to grips with a whole new person to look after and cuddle and then I'll have people round again(including cousins etc)

When I had my first I 'let'(I didn't know until they were there) bring all of my family to the hospital(catheter, drip in arm, boobs out and sore all the time and greasy hair), my family is big and were there all at once, I'm surprised the hospital let everyone come in, there was about 21 of them and then my DD's dad's family come too(thankfully only 5 of them) and my mum really didn't see a problem or why I was so uncomfortable.

It's your baby, yes they'll be excited, and I do think an hour or two isn't too hard but after they've seen the baby then maybe a few days of just you three? Or just see how you feel once baby is born? Good luck x

When my nephew was born. I was down there about 20 minutes later. Cuddling him and kissing the face off him. Wild horses couldn't have kept me away. I'd have been nuclear if they tried.

Jesus
Words fail me.

Did you wear strong perfume too? That would just be the total icing on the cake.

I would let the Grand parents visit straightaway but fend off any others until you're ready.
I actually enjoyed having visitors with all 3 of mine straightaway - get it over and done with so can enjoy the peace afterwards lol but it is tiring.
With my 2nd my lovely oh decided to invite all of our friends and family over for a massive bbq the day after i'd had them - just what I needed not!!!!! Mind you was over and done with (in a day of me getting used to having a 2 year old and a 1 day old plus preparing food, clearing up etc) definitely not recommended lol!

Wait and see how you feel but I'd warn everyone it should be short visits only.

I was totally overwhelmed by visitors after the birth. I was exhausted and struggling to breastfeed - MIL hogged the baby and wouldn't let anyone else touch her. It was awful. No-one asked how I felt - recovering from emergency section.

We had to make drinks for everyone and get food and host when all we really wanted to be resting and catching up on sleep.

Relatives can be very selfish about new babies. They are not dolls!

This is something I have only ever heard on mumsnet. I think you'd be extremely precious and selfish to do this.

I'm due soon (a month today!) and I'm planning on having no visitors in hospital. I'm quite an introvert, and I know I will feel very vulnerable at this time. I think asking for at least the first day at home as well to settle in is a good idea. I would make people wait a week if I thought I could get away with it!

I do think most people haven't experienced the self obsessed guest within 24 hours of delivery who stays for hours expecting lunch and entertaining etc. Normal people arrive, have a cuddle, say nice things and then with piss off or do something useful. And I hate this 'you can't have your DM without your MIL' stuff. My DM was great, fed us, cleaned and left us to parent. She was my mummy that had wiped my backside, held my hand and talked to me about periods, boys, life etc. In times of stress it's common to want your mum. MIL is fine but I don't have that bond.
I wouldn't expect DH to want my DM if he was ill.

It totally depends what the guests are like. We had a mixed bag of lovely, helpful friends who made lunch for us and endless cups of tea and selfish ones who had no idea of how tired we were who just installed themselves on our sofa and expected to be waited on hand and foot.

YANBU

Your baby, your rules.

Good luck OP :)

I surprised myself, thought I would just want to stay home the first week or so and was lucky that no one pushed to visit too soon but I found I was going stir crazy within a couple of days so ended up taking DD to visit them instead! I'd had a horrendous delivery, about a million stitches and it hurt like hell to get in and out of the car but we did 4 or 5 different relatives houses over a few days because I just wanted to get out and about. On the upside we were in charge of how long we stayed and no one bothered us at home so once we shut the door it was just us and DD which I think I preferred. I would wait and see how you feel OP, get DH to impress on people that they need to ring before they come and then if you don't fancy it he can tell them you're not up to visitors when they ring. You might feel different to how you expect iyswim and there's always the option of going to them instead so you can decide when the visit is over

Totally up to you OP

But for what it's worth, we live abroad with no family here. My parents were booked to visit 2 weeks after due date. DS was born on due date. No paternity leave so DH went back to work after a few days and I was really bored and lonely as none of my friends came to visit as they were all giving us space

I had the overbearing MIL and SIL that wild horses couldn't keep away, I'd had a bad bleed after a csection due to a medical condition and had to have a blood transfusion, doctor said no visitors for 24 hours, dh tried to put them off but tbh I think he needed to see them so didn't try that hard, and I had a half conscious row over the phone with my own mum when I told her they'd turned up the next day after she'd stayed away, it was all incredibly stressful, I felt so weird them sitting there watching while I tried to get to grips with bf'ing and dd being passed around while I still felt totally out of it, and like I was watching from the outside. Then a few days later when we were home they brought dh's nan to meet dd and stayed most of the day passing her around again. I would say confirm one or the other, either a visit while you're still in hospital, shorter for you when you might be feeling the need to recover and have some privacy, or go for the home visit a few days later, though depends on the in laws of course, as I say wild horses couldn't keep mine away 😉

I was actually quite pleased to see my parents and pils after the birth of both mine. They cuddled baby for an hour while I had a wee/snooze/shower and then went home.
I don't understand all this 'keep everyone away' thing - it's fine to limit to family only or something

Do what's right for you but equally don't piss people off as they might not be so enthusiastic when you need help further down the line. Some new parents do become very rigid and fanatical about privacy but then complain when people aren't so enthusiastic about their pfb.

I found hospital visits easier to manage as the ward had set visiting times & 2 to a bedside rule. Our immediate family came to visit soon after and we staggered everyone else. We just made up illnesses / midwife visits on the days I needed peace and quiet.