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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 19/05/2016 11:33

It's quite interesting that even in such a time when a woman has just given birth to her first child, feeling probably battered, bruised and vulnerable, she is still expected to put everybody else's wishes before her own.

You don't want to see people for a few days? Tough luck, people want to see the baby, so suck it up, princess. How selfish of you. Instead of telling the other people, the ones who have not recently given birth, to suck it up and wait a few days, until the mum is ready for them.

Alasalas2 · 19/05/2016 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Squiff15 · 19/05/2016 12:04

A new mum can put whatever rules in place that she likes. She can change her mind too, but rules should be reasonably even handed not my family are entitled to see the baby but the farther's family aren't. If the OP wants her mum for support that is totally understandable but it's not unreasonable for the babies dad to want his parents to meet his baby too. Set rules ie just parents not their new partners and children, visits must be short and new mum gets to say when its time for people to go, don't pick up the baby wait to be asked if you would like a cuddle but roughly the same rules should apply to everyone unless there is a specific reason why some can't be trusted in the same room as a new baby.

squoosh · 19/05/2016 12:07

Of course you can tell everyone to stay away for a week/until further notice after the birth and expect to have that request respected but I agree that it seems very unfair to allow one grandmother to meet the baby but not the other.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 12:09

I think the point that I and others are making is not that you can't decide what rules you want, but don't underestimate the impact that those rules have on others. No-one lives in their own private universe. Not disagreeing with what you've said above Squiff.

dolkapots · 19/05/2016 12:28

I think the point that I and others are making is not that you can't decide what rules you want, but don't underestimate the impact that those rules have on others. No-one lives in their own private universe.

^This.

Also if you are "rule setting" before the baby is even born then do not be surprised if they don't show much interest later on, as they might be afraid to over step your boundaries.

GP's can't win; showing interest is interfering and giving space is proof of having no interest in DGC

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 19/05/2016 12:52

We could be just be extra mean and not tell a soul that I'm in labour and have a secret few days in peace! Hehe! Grin Grin Grin

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 13:00

Good luck with no-one knowing you are in labour - I was a week overdue with No1, phone calls everyday from DM on progress :)

Then I was in hospital in labour on the Sunday night and no baby until the Wednesday morning - People would have been frantic with worry if DH hadn't passed on regular phone calls. When my sister was in hospital having hers, I was designated phone person. People would have been desperately sad and hurt if I'd told them I didn't want to see anyone. It was honestly not impactive at all and I loved showing him off.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 13:01

I also didn't have to change a dirty nappy for ages....

Oysterbabe · 19/05/2016 13:14

I planned to do that Lou but unfortunately DD arrived a month early and I was due to visit my mum for a few days that day so I had to tell her.

Headofthehive55 · 19/05/2016 13:24

That's a good idea. I didn't tell people as wasn't really sure that I was in labour. And then you are making birth announcements the next thing you know!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 19/05/2016 13:48

I don't think we'd be able to get away with it tbh! Grin Haha!

OP posts:
Ivegotyourgoat · 19/05/2016 13:58

I haven't read this whole thread but I can't believe it's caused such a stir.

I think yanbu. I've said to dh I'd only consider another baby if we said no visitors for at least two weeks.

Last time it was HELL. My sister came and stayed until midnight and we were knackered. My in laws came and I was unknowingly walking around with a big blood stain on the bum of my trousers. People brought their kids and they made a huge mess. My dhs entire paternity leave was taken up with visitors.

I was trying to establish breastfeeding and express due to problems.

The difference between your own mum and your mil is that you might not mind lying with your boobs out in front of your own mum.

People are saying the mother doesn't own the baby and it's about the dad too. Actually t is very much about the new mum in those first few weeks and months. She's recovering from childbirth and if she wants time and space to recover then so be it.

There's loads of time for everyone else to hold the baby later on.

newmumwithquestions · 19/05/2016 15:29

I am gobsmacked with some people's attitudes on here. Just because a new baby is family doesn't mean you have the right to barge into someone's life and invade one of their most precious times.

Yes the new dad's opinion matters but in this instance the new mums views of when they are ready to see anyone matter more. They are the one who is battered, bruised and bleeding from the birth (sorry OP, if it's any concellation you should have a lovely rush of hormones so you won't notice at first though!).

For those saying that you can't win as you're either seen as pushy or not interested then I'd suggest a reply to a birth arrival message saying that you are delighted to be a GP/auntie/whatever, that you are more than happy to help in whatever way you can, that you are very very excited about meeting the new addition but don't want to impose so will wait until you are told that it is good to come and visit.

Fwiw my MIL was the first to see one of my DC. She met DC2 at about 5 hours old. If she'd been overbearing Id have picked baby up and run for the hills (err well waddled to bed) but she's not so I said of course she could pop in. I like my MIL, she's helpful and caring without being overly pushy. It's not an impossible balance to strike.

barbarossa · 19/05/2016 17:28

You are most certainly NOT being unreasonable.
Our first child was born nearly 43 yrs ago and within an hour of bringing him home from hospital my ( widowed ) father arrived, looked at his first grandchild for 2 minutes, sat down and read the paper for two hours and then asked me to take him home in my car as he had walked the 4 miles to our house.
My wife was understandably VERY upset about this but told me not to say anything as my dad was only recently widowed. She is as sympathetic and lovely as my dad was ignorant - he remained like that till he died aged 90.
So - we made a pact. When our children started popping sprogs, we went to see our grandchildren in hospital; stayed 10 minutes during which time we told them the above tale and then said we would not be visiting them at home until they asked us to. They didn't understand at first but later told us they now knew why we stayed away and thanked us for it.
So stick to your guns - brief hospital visits and then NO-ONE at your house till you feel up to it.

FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 17:44

I think that when people' precious first baby gets to be a parent for the first time they will understand how upsetting it is to be banned from seeing the new born. Until then they probably won't.
Except that if they have a second,or more,they will likely be just glad of some help so that they can have time to bond with their baby.
I think we can all look back and cringe at how precious we were with the first. I certainly can! The worst time is before you actually have the baby and you have no idea what the birth will be like or how you will feel afterwards.

FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 17:46

It also depends what you family and friends are like- some people on here seem to have impossible ones! My comments are assuming that you have perfectly reasonable ones.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 17:47

barbarosa

You've said she's not being unreasonable and then described the scenario that people who have said that she is are recommending.

OP isn't planning to let anyone have a 10 minute pop in at the hospital. This is a "you can't see my baby for a week" (or some posters saying longer) suggestion, not what you've described at all.

EvansOvalPies · 19/05/2016 17:50

Fresh - it is not a 'ban'. It is simply asking for a little time to get to grips with becoming a parent. And, as so many other PPs have said, it does all depend upon the relationship you have with your parents/in-laws/friends/relatives. If someone is going to come and offer some practical help and support and make you a cup of tea or bring a casserole, then great. If they are only going to come and sit and expect to be brought cups of tea (and sandwiches!!) themselves (as happened in my case, with in-laws) then not great.

Each person is different. Each new mother is different. Each new mother deserves the recovery time she decides upon.

EvansOvalPies · 19/05/2016 17:51

Crossed post Fresh Smile

EvansOvalPies · 19/05/2016 17:59

Magnum - you are basing this entire conversation on your own experience, I think. You clearly had a good experience with your visitors, and welcomed them. Not everyone feels the same way, and not everyone has helpful guests.

I had a similar experience to someone further up ( Goat I think). Really, really struggling to b/feed, could hardly walk for the stitches, DD projectile vomiting - literally, all over the furniture and up the walls. I spent the first 11 weeks of her life in tears and exhaustion. DD is now 23, and the B/Feeding counsellor saw DP about two years ago, at a random moment, and remembered him from the horrible time I'd had!! My parents lived 200 miles away, and in-laws were utterly, utterly beyond belief with their lack of help.

And not that they should have to help, but the visiting and expecting to be waited on and passing baby around like she was a pass-the-parcel, to the point when she was beetroot-red and SCREAMING.

Not a pleasant time at all.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 19/05/2016 18:00

barbarosa This is a "you can't see my baby for a week" (or some posters saying longer) suggestion Please don't put words in mouth...

OP posts:
OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 18:02

Fresh, I agree with that where some posters are concerned. I sincerely hope that those who do have a ban don't end up in a similar scenario when they become grandparents as I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My children are only young teenagers, but I and indeed most other people have enough empathy to understand how upsetting that a ban would be. I loved seeing the faces of my and dh's family when they came to see the baby or we took him to them. Those are precious moments and I'm glad that we didn't wait. My Ds1 was grandchild number 10 on one side and 7 on the other that fact didn't make their welcome to the world any less special to the grandparents. Yes we were exhausted and I'd ended up with a section and blood loss after a very long labour, that just made it more important to me to share the beautiful result. Hey ho.

I don't know anyone in real life who has ever done this either. My neighbours came home with their baby yesterday - I don't know what they've had yet, but I watched his parents turn up with a bag of shopping yesterday and stay for about half an hour - it so made me think of this thread.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 18:03

Please don't put words in mouth...

So what is not allowing anyone to see the baby for a week then? Confused

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 18:10

Magnum - you are basing this entire conversation on your own experience, I think. You clearly had a good experience with your visitors, and welcomed them. Not everyone feels the same way, and not everyone has helpful guests.

Don't most people base their vies on their own experience? If this is a first baby then there is no experience to base it on. The OP has said she may reconsider at the time which is a positive thing. And yes, people must in the end go by what they want to do. I'm making the point though that it isn't kind to not even consider the impact of those decisions on others and also just because x number of posters on here say they wished they'd done it or would perhaps do it in future, that it makes it the norm. People recommend all sorts of shite on here for "other people" to do that they say they'd like to do but wouldn't in a million years.

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