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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Cupcake99 · 19/05/2016 05:29

I don't think yabu, you have to make your own rules in your own house...however, you do need to think about how you will feel afterwards. My sister gave birth a couple of months ago. I live abroad and this is my first nephew. I wanted to be at the birth (as she was with my first) but realised that it probably wouldn't happen, so was prepared to book a flight as soon as she had gone into labor. It was requested that I not turn up until two weeks later. Unfortunately we were then heading up to Christmas, flights were extortionate, and what with hubbub works do, kids Xmas rvebts I was unable to go. Fast forward 5 months and I still haven't met dear nephew (although we talk on Skype) and dear sister is upset that I haven't made the effort to meet her son....

KatharinaRosalie · 19/05/2016 07:04

Has anybody in the human history who is just 'popping in for 20 minutes' actually left after 20 minutes?

In real life it's more like an hour for 2 for all closer relatives, considering also in OP's case they are mostly divorced and with new partners - and she has a constant steam of visitors for days.

Frazzledmum123 · 19/05/2016 07:15

Slightly going off topic but Pingu I get your point entirely but please be careful how you word things, your comments, however well intentioned were actually quite hurtful to me. My babies were healthy but due to having emergency c sections and 40 plus hour labours it was impossible for me to give them skin to skin 20 mins after birth - I was being stitched up and was actually quite ill having lost so much blood and catching an infection. I still carry the guilt of not doing it the natural way and so'the best way for baby' and hearing yet another professional say what should happen after birth just adds to that
For what it's worth Ilive, I didn't think what you said was bad, I doubt for one minute you were acting against the wishes of your sister/SIL, loads of people have such family in the delivery suite with them so it obviously works for them.

OP - despite my personal feelings on the situation, one bit of advice to you as a mum to be, just don't listen to other people's advice! You will get so much of it thrust at you and you will never do what is right if you try to follow it because as you have seen from this everyone thinks differently so there is no 'right'. Go with your instincts, they are there for a reason. Hope everything goes well x

ArcticMumkey · 19/05/2016 07:17

DD was born on a Saturday morning and we had no visitors til the 2pm slot in hospital on the Sunday when my Mum and FIL came. I'm so glad me and DH had over 24 hours to bond with our new baby and get to know eachother. You will never get that time back.

What I will say is that I found it quite stressful when people only popped in for 20 minutes, it was all so rushed and I'd have rather they stayed for an hour! I've always been happy to let DD be cuddled by family and friends though apart from once where my Mum had been over for 7 hours and not let go of her!

FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 07:28

I am not being nasty to OP- merely pointing out that she has a 50% chance in the future of being a second class grandmother in the future if she doesn't produce a girl.
I see we are now down to the baby being a possession rather than a new and unique member of the family.
Thankfully, once the baby does walk and talk, and have a personality, things ease up. On MN people seem to be at their worst at the baby stage. It certainly sorts those who want control and rules from the relaxed sort who just go with the flow. I think the go with the flow sort are so much better for the baby!

FreshHorizons · 19/05/2016 07:32

If you are the control and rules type why not relax it slightly, keep most people away, but let both sets of grandparents see the baby early on?

ollieplimsoles · 19/05/2016 07:40

I agree with missseventies

And people only become 'second class grandparents' if they behave outrageously in the first place. I would never deny a mil exactly the same treatment as my mum, but in the event I couldn't do it.
Having sons doesn't curse you to a life of second best grandparent.

But statements like 'chose partners well' has all sorts of red flags all over it. By 'chose their partners well' you mean 'chose someone who will do what I want'

OneMagnumisneverenough · 19/05/2016 08:02

No choose partners well means to choose someone that doesn't feel that their baby is their possession and that my son and his family aren't 2nd class citizens. Someone who isn't going to slag of the people that raised the wonderful man that they love for having the temerity to wash a few mugs or be ordered to stay away when they'd like to see their son, his partner and their new baby. I may never have grandchildren, my children have not had the opportunity to have a close relationship with their only grandparent. I was similar. I just get totally fed up with thread after thread on here castigating people for having the temerity to give birth to boys instead of girls.

Headofthehive55 · 19/05/2016 08:23

Absolutely onemagnum

Marty85 · 19/05/2016 08:28

Firstly your baby so its up to you. However I was in your position and gave birth to what was treated like the second coming of Christ, my mil was far worse than my parents, absolutely estatic and desparate to be with the baby constantly. Her meeting with my DD is still one of my favourite memories nearly 14 years later she was and is a fabulous granny. I felt that mine and DH's parents should meet the baby quickly (several hours after the birth which was pretty traumatic). That being said, you have to take note of how you feel after the birth when you feel like you've been hit by a truck and your hormones are all over the place. You could feel desparate to connect with other women in your family or want to hide hehind closed doors. You can't possibly know. Tell family how you feel, they will understsnd and wait for your steer. As much as I adore my MIL I lost it badly when she turned up for her 5th visit in 5 days and chucked her out in front of my very alarmed DH!

Cleo1303 · 19/05/2016 08:50

Rather than just saying you don't want visitors, why not say you will see how you feel when you get home from hospital and you or DH will call them to arrange something when you are ready?

Say that you are feeling pretty overwhelmed and may want to be quiet for a few days. On the other hand, you may really want your mum to be there.

Remember that all the grandparents will be very excited but they should respect your wishes. Tell them nicely and I am sure they will be fine.

Catsize · 19/05/2016 08:58

DS' birth was very difficult, over several days, induction, huge blood loss, hospital negligent etc etc. The first two weeks in our house were like Piccadilly Station. Added massively to already existing problems. When DD was born, I had a 'no visitors for a week except grandparents' rule. This included siblings of ours etc. It is such a blur that I cannot remember if it was adhered to, but it was certainly massively better than with DS. Another problem will be that your DH's paternity leave is likely to be consumed with visitor juggling.
Another tactic would be to leave any birth announcements for a few days, with the possible exception of grandparents sworn to secrecy.

dolkapots · 19/05/2016 09:13

As a PP suggested designate your DM and DMIL to host an open house in THEIR house. We did this due to living quite far from everyone and I really enjoyed it, got cups of tea made for me, didn't have to worry about tidying the house etc. I am normally very relaxed about mess but post partum a cup in the sink sends me into hysterics Grin so an endless string of guests in my home would have annoyed me.

Regarding the "needing time to bond" that I often see on FB hear about; throughout history postpartum women lived in extended families in tiny houses etc, so I think this idea of needing to be totally alone with the baby in order to bond is a fairly new one.

Alasalas2 · 19/05/2016 09:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grannytomine · 19/05/2016 09:18

Has anybody in the human history who is just 'popping in for 20 minutes' actually left after 20 minutes?

I had visitors stay for 20 minutes or even less. My aunt called in with some home made soup put her head round the bedroom door and said she had left the soup in the kitchen, congratulated me and had a quick look in the cot and was gone. My MIL stayed about ten minutes, mind you she had another new grandchild a few days older than mine so was dividing her time. I could give other examples.

frazzled74 · 19/05/2016 09:19

I always enjoyed the visitors, part of the excitement of having a new baby. I don't think you should stop grandparents visiting as long as they don't stay for hours. Everybody else will understand though hopefully.

grannytomine · 19/05/2016 09:22

My son told me when grandson was born he had one visitor who arrived at the door with a M & S meal deal who didn't even come in, just said he thought they might not feel like cooking and would catch up in a while.

Not everyone is thoughtless. Maybe the difference in opinion on here is because some of us have considerate friends and family and don't see a problem and other people have friends and family who they know will behave unreasonably so don't want them to visit. Don't know if that explains it but the only person I know in RL who put a block on visitors for two weeks had very overbearing ILs so it does make me wonder.

Originalfoogirl · 19/05/2016 10:18

bails2014

I think we used the prematurity as a excuse

Oh we definitely did. It kept away the usual handing round the baby to all and sundry, sloppy kisses from germy well wishers. We also found when we were questioned on any of our parenting methods, using the "well, because she was premature" shut down any judgey debate.

LillyGrinter · 19/05/2016 10:31

Pingu. What about the mother feeling isolated. She's just been through a hugely traumatic event and she wants and needs her friends and family there with her. Everyone's different but that's how I felt.

WillowinGloves · 19/05/2016 10:38

Everyone here seems to have large families and masses of friends to come round! We had one set of long-distance and elderly gps so no visiting there and one local set. That was it on the relatives front. Friends all politely stayed away to give us space. I had an awful birth so had a 3-day stay in hospital and transferred to a private room. I still remember doors opening to other rooms and seeing balloons, toys, happy visitors ... then I would shuffle back to my quiet little room containing one baby and one cuddly toy from DH, and feel lonely. Same at home. This was pre-social media so no chance of contact there either (I was very a early adopter to MN and it was a joy!) Honestly, if you have relatives and friends, while some may be overwhelming and you may have to set boundaries, be grateful for them! I would have loved a few to admire my gorgeous baby and tell me I'd be OK.

greatbigwho · 19/05/2016 10:38

We lived about 2 hours away from our parents, and similar situation - both are divorced and three have new partners, so that's 7 grandparents!

I felt very similar to you, and as a result we had everyone over the day after I got home from hospital for an hour each tops, and then that was it for ten days. No more visitors. I found it hard for that afternoon, but it was good to get it all over and done with!

HTD2013 · 19/05/2016 10:40

I wanted the same. 1 week, no visitors, jus me the baby and my husband. My mother booked flights for 4thday. I was devastated and it's really been an issue since. You will not regret having time alone (If hubby is there) but you may regret it if you don't want them and visitors come... You will never ever have those first few days with your revised family again. Put your foot down. People will understand. And if they don't, don't worry about them.... Your baby, your rules.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 19/05/2016 11:05

Has anybody in the human history who is just 'popping in for 20 minutes' actually left after 20 minutes

Of course they have

notonyurjellybellynelly · 19/05/2016 11:11

Keeping visitors to a minimum in the early days is absoluteyl key for establishing breastfeeding

I think you'll find there are women in cultures the world over getting long term established breastfeeding going without visitors being kept to a minimum.

Squiff15 · 19/05/2016 11:25

Like everything there are no universals. Lots of us think MIL waits a week, doesn't stay long and brings a casserole sounds perfect but there will be others who interpret that as "his parents couldn't be bothered to come and visit, when they did finally get here they didn't stay long and couldn't help themselves but have a dig me by suggesting I couldn't possibly feed their precious son so they had brought food with them". It's not about keep score or making sure everyone gets the same amount of time to the minute (we have one set of GPs about an hour away so they see my son for a few hours every few weeks, the others are about 8 hours away so see him a far less often but for several days at a time.) I am mindful that my son is grandson to both of them so I would never say my mum can baby sit but MIL can't (unless there was a concrete reason).