AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

Not that I am suggesting that they stay, or even spend long with you, but they could drop in a meal or make the tea while there.

To answer OP - you can see that it is 50/50 as to whether people will find you unreasonable - only you can decide which is likely in your case.
I would say that your MIL will definitely be put out if she is relegated to second class grandmother while the other one is 'special'.

Haven't read all the posts but personally I agree that a quick hospital visit shortly after birth for the immediate family is the best thing to do imo. In our hospital and I assume most, they had a communal area so when baby wanted feeding I just took him back to the bed and drew the curtains and it took as long as it took, they waited.
When I got home I did ask for a week or so before friends visited because I was stressed about the feedings but like someone said, in hospital you are supposed to be a mess.
I agree you have to look after yourself and your needs but GP's are so much more than visitors and my family would have been devastated if I'd have banned them, they literally stayed up all night waiting for news. We are still their babies even grown up and a day out of your life, even a majorly stressful one at a vulnerable time is not much to give back to them really. I was a mess first time round but flash forward 5 years and it seems like nothing now. Would hate to think I robbed them of such an important stage in their life because of it.
Oh and I get the mum thing, they can see you looking your worst and it doesn't matter, but as a mum of a boy, this is literally one of my greatest fears, that at some stage I will be replaced by someone else's mum 😞

I think it depends on your relationship with your ILs... Mine drive me batshit mental and despite a complicated birth and requests to give us a few days after hospital to get sorted, FIL still phoned DH after an ILs afternoon in the pub and demanded a visit. We caved because it's less hassle.

I'll never forgive them for the way they behaved. Commented that I hadn't got back to my pre baby weight (DC was a week old), told me the baby was fat and I needed to watch his weight, and since that day have commented at other family gatherings that 'everything was fraught' so they had to come and sort it out - absolute bollocks. Everything was fine. They made everything fraught!

If I do if again we'll be sticking to our guns. Might not even tell them the baby has been born until we are ready for visiting tbh...

Do what you like - YANBU whatever you decide. They'll be pissed off but they'll get over it. It's about you and your new family first, the rest of them second. Good luck with everything.

Your the mama, your rules! If you don't feel up to visitors don't answer the door!
Sleep when baby sleeps.
Visitors should enquire with you when it's ok to come and certainly Not just turn up unannounced. That's just plain bad manners!
Becoming a parent is amazing, also very exhausting in first few weeks as you both settle into life together 😊 good luck, remember you are mama bear! Xx

OK GoldenBubble - but don't moan when you don't get help later.

OneMagnum

You keep missing the point completely, you are covering all mothers in your posts and saying its not normal to keep visitors away. In some people's world- its perfectly normal.

And I completely disagree with your pnd comment. My midwives actually encouraged my visitor ban because i was at high risk for pnd and told me that when they come for their first visits after baby is born, they tell parents to get guidelines in place if they are having visitors right away!

I think its very entitled and grabby as a grandparent to insist you see the baby when you think you should. Not seeing the baby for a week will not damage a relationship with gc but it could do wonders for a relationship with dil to take a step back and wait!

Not all new mothers are the bloody same!

All this 'if you don't let the grandparents immediately see the baby they won't show any interest or help in future' is such bollocks. I'm glad my family aren't that selfish or petty.

And just to add - I'll never ask my ILs for help as I don't trust them. They boast about not doing what is asked by my sil and bil when they have their kids and have smacked them and asked us to conceal it from sil and bil.

I think if you're family is 'normal' it must seem very strange to want time to recuperate and prepare for visitors. I get that. If you have a family and ILs like mine though, you probably think the op is NBU at all!

I've read this thread with my jaw on the floor.

I'm a breastfeeding counsellor and student midwife. Keeping visitors to a minimum in the early days is absoluteyl key for establishing breastfeeding. I can't tell you how many times I've had mums who desperately need feeding support have visitors descend upon them: the mum feels she has to allow the visits and misses out on the support she needs. I've had to cut short and abandon bedside feeding support as grandparents have arrived and wanted to hold the baby. If a baby is being passed around, then the mum simply cannot respond to those early feeding cues which are so vital in establishing feeding in those early hours and days.

As for the PP who talked about cuddling her nephew 20 minutes after birth - I really hope that was exaggeration. A healthy 20 minute old baby needs to be skin to skin with it's mother, recovering from the birth, regulating it's heartbeat and temperature by attuning to hers, perhaps initiating the first breastfeed. And if anyting else is medically indicated, it needs to be with the appropriate HCP. A 20 minute old baby has no business being scooped up by anyone else.

OP - it's eminently sensible to tell ALL your family members that you will contact them after the brth to arrange visiting according to how you and baby are doing.

You keep missing the point completely, you are covering all mothers in your posts and saying its not normal to keep visitors away. In some people's world- its perfectly normal.

I'm not missing the point. i am using the word in its correct sense to show what is the norm or usual or expected. That doesn't mean that everyone does the same but it differentiates between what is usual and what is not usual.

FreshHorizons you seem to have a real issue with this. There is no need to be nasty and wish her ill in the future. Frankly I think those who have a real issue with waiting are thinking more of themselves and their needs than that of the new parents/ mother. It is worth mentioning as others have that not all families are the same. In my circumstances we did not have FIL and his GF in hospital. I had a difficult birth, was naked from the waist down under the sheets and had a catheter in for over 24 hours. I am not close to FIL and neither is my husband. I dont think it was unreasonable to hold them back until we got home.

Ok now you are just picking holes, you haven't even addressed my other points.
If you are a mother of sons you may want to be a bit more flexible in your thinking on this topic, because 'whats expected' may not be what your fil wants..

Pingu I love you. Thankyou for coming to the thread and offering a midwife's/ breastfeeding counsellor perspective. This is just what my midwife was telling me.

How would some of the more adamant pro- immediate gp visit posters feel if they were the gp in this situation and the new mum is getting even more anxious about feeding and losing her confidence?

Some gps actually express disappointment when the mother breastfeeds because they won't get to take it in turns feeding the baby!

*dil

pingu exactly.

In defence of mils I suggested a baby moon to my dil and she jumped at it. That's what I would have loved back in my day but my parents and I laws friends etc had free rein.

As for the comments about if you deny parents/inlaws immediate access to gcs they won't babysit? Really really these wankers exist ?

okay, I'll address the other points quickly but I was heading for bed.

I think I have said all through the thread that some rules should be applied as to visiting and I though a 10/20 minute pop in was appropriate.

My midwife told me all sorts - not all of it was true or useful - just because what your midwife told you fits with your views doesn't make it fact.

No, not all mothers are the same but wanting to see your grandchild is not entitled or grabby, not quite sure what planet you are on.

And yes, I do have sons, I just hope I've brought them up to choose their partners well. And no, I wouldn't be breaking down their door insisting on seeing any future grandchild if they didn't want me there but I would be incredibly hurt and it would damage the relationship - especially if we were treated differently from the other grandparents. And by that I don't mean that if a dil wanted her mum to stay or visit longer I wouldn't be ok with that, of course I would, but not being allowed to see the baby or congratulate my son or daughter in law in person? I'm sorry I just think that is wrong and nasty.

I'd say yes to short visits to grandparents, but I don't think you are BU to ask for settling in time space from everyone else in the first week.
Tell them you will call them if you are up to visitors. (NB: You may want to slide in visits from your best friends/sisters... you might appreciate the company and support. Them just walking Baby round the block in his pram will give you a lovely little break... trust me, a 20 minute shower/bath/nap will be priceless, and will chill you out and make you a calm mummy!

And make sure any visitors make their own bloody tea! (ask for a bit more milk in yours... I put every cup of tea down to cool then forgot to pick it up again! Don't think I actually drank a hot cuppa for a year!)
PS: Great tip is to get one of those plastic takeaway cups with screw on lids from Waitrose (by their coffee machines). I was SO scared of spilling drinks whilst feeding my son (he took 30 mins!!)

Hope all goes smoothly.
If you are worried about getting overwhelmed write down a routine now that you can follow (I used Gina Ford's basic structure... her routines worked like magic and saved my sanity - to this day my son (now 12) goes to bed like a dream because of Gina! (Don't shoot me Mumsnetters! I wasn't a slave to it, just cherrypicked the bits that worked for my son!)

Pingu thanks for talking some sense. I had a very hard time establishing bf and could only do it lying down on a bed with my boobs dangling out. Definitely not a great scene for GPs to see. I needed peace and quiet to bond with my newborn and actually get some milk inside her.

Babies are not dolls to be passed round. They need to be close to their parents so they can bond and establish that relationship first.

To all those people saying GPs can make themselves tea and are self sufficient have clearly never met my in laws and don't have difficult relations.

Bloody hell.. just realised this thread had turned into a 25 pages long argument! You do like a row, you lot!

I don't think projecting your personal nightmare experiences with your particular crazy dysfunctional GPs/ ILs is going to help the OP!

GPs and siblings came to see my son the day he was born. I was not up to visitors to be honest and no one stayed long. (Nurses will see to it that you are not bothered if you ask them to ;)
When I felt tired I just told people and said 'So sorry, I need a bit of quiet time now' and politely asked them to leave.

But do not underestimate the value of that special person who is calm and practical who can support you in the early days if you are easily overwhelmed... as I said above, 20 minutes 'you time' is a sanity saver!

Do whatever feels right for you. Be kind and polite, use the 'sorry, I am not up to visitors yet' line.

I think you shouldn't feel bad a bought doing what is right for you. You will need to settle in and get to know your LO and everything and everyone else can wait. Also, I think a mother is a very different relationship to a MIL and so your mum should be by your side without causing any problems with your MIL if that's what you want. Or maybe I just feel this way because my MIL came to my house the day I brought DD back from hospital (after having been in there for a week), told me I was fat and that I should go out and get a girdle.

Alasalas2 to be honest I find the attitudes of some of the GPs very entitled. Comments like 'you couldn't keep me from my DNA' or 'you don't own your baby' or worse 'I hope I raise my sons to chose their partners well'. No consideration is given to the first time mother trying to recover from the birth on no sleep while, perhaps, trying to establish breastfeeding. It seems as though she is a walking incubator and once the baby is out it is all about how everyone else feels and their needs. If mother gets more time over MIL she will understand, but it will "hurt the relationship" or suggesting that if PILs are not front and centre DP will be upset. If she does not want visitors there is nothing wrong with that. If that makes you really angry then I suggest you are the entitled one not the OP.

You don't own your baby

Yep, she does.