AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

Enjoyingthepeace I take your point, but I feel a funeral is fundamentally different to a birth. The deceased may have known many people and had active relationships with them over the years. The grieving may find comfort in sharing stories and memories of their loved one. (Even then where I live it is common to see in obituaries 'house strictly private") All being well the newborn will have many years to build up realtionships with other members of the family, thay does not mean they all need to be there in those first few days. The parents, especially the mother, have cared for this child for the first 9 months, brought it into the world, they will have the challenge of night feeds and sleepless nights they or the OP are not being unresonable to want a few days alone.

You certainly did Countess!😄
Access is just a word and I didn't expect anyone to over analyse it.

Honestly , after the really hideous birth I had with DS2 , i couldn't give a flying f*ck who turned up or when, once we got home , just glad to be alive and well . Didn't do anything that would resemble 'hosting' though , sat in a daze on the sofa with DS and people came , sat , chatted and brought me hot beverages at regular intervals , with the occasional cake /biscuit and lots of lovely gifts . GP's sorted getting DD to school and back every day , bunged a few loads through the wash and held the baby whilst I grabbed a much needed shower !
Use the precious resource that is visitors wisely , write lists at 3am and get them to pop to the shops for supplies , get them to hold baby while you sort a wash out , bung bleach down the loo , have a shower , work out where your nethers have gone with the aid of a hand held mirror !
Good luck OP

I don't think it is the 'normal' thing to do. Not if this thread is anything to go by at all, as we have seen all families are different and relationships are different.

I had a lot of 'I told you so's' when I went longer and longer overdue and my home birth slipped away, people really upset me and I got really depressed.
The same people got huffy when I said no visitors, but no way was I entertaining those people in my house because I knew they would take the piss.

I also think (and I will get flamed) that it's ok to be selective with who comes round first and how often, even with grandparents. My mum was a great help, she brought food, made tea, cleaned up and was kind and understanding. Mil was judgemental, mouthy, wanted to be waited on and stayed way too long.

So my mum came first and lots more regularly

Op - I've commented before but feel I should elaborate on what I did myself rather than just saying yabu. We did let everyone and meet the baby whilst I was in hospital/the day after we got home and then had not quite a week,but almost to ourselves.

They were happy, and we were happy.

People do get so excited about a new baby. It was nice for them to meet her, they stayed a little bit and then left.

However - I think on reflection, I have less "everyone" to meet the baby than is average. My husbands parents are dead and his brother has yet to acknowledge our daughters existence, 11 months on. So it was probably easier for me than you, as it was only my family, with whom I feel entirely comfortable, doing the visiting.

I was given this advice and can assure you it works.

Assign the first day you are home and sorted after baby arrives (so probably day 2) as Visitor Day. Do no preparation for the visit whatsoever don't even wash the breakfast things. Or even supper from last night. Tell ALL your visitors you'd love to see them on (visitor day) and can they come about (specified time). Make each set of visitors arrive at around 1 1/2 or 2 hourly intervals, so first lot 10am, second 11.30, third 1pm etc.
Of course when visitors No 1 arrive you'll be sat on the sofa busy feeding, so there's not a lot they can do, and they will naturally ask 'is there anything we can do to help?'
'Yes of course' you will say, 'that is very kind of you could you pop the kettle on and make yourselves a cuppa and if you could manage a little of the washing up that'll be a great help thank you.'
You can then allow them a cuddle once they've done their chores. Visitors No 2 will arrive and of course baby will be screaming for a feed/change, the room will seem crowded and visitors No1 may be tempted to leave, visitors No 2 can be assigned to Make Lunch or hoover the hall (white noise will help baby sleep) , visitors no 3 will definitely crowd the place and No 1 will go if not already left I'm sure, and No 3 can hoover wash up from lunch or whatever, No 4 can prepare your tea, No 5 can wash up, hoover the landing etc etc. No 6 can prepare supper/a casserole for later in the week etc. Or change baby, whatever you assign to them. Men folk/teenagers of the bored sort could hoover/wash the car (so it;s ready for when you take baby out). If you have a planned list of chores so much the better. Meanwhile keep your feet up and let them do it all! The house automatically empties as it fills so you never have too many people as they realise they're In The Way!

Then have no visitors for 2 or 3 days.

Enjoy.

I don't think it is the 'normal' thing to do. Not if this thread is anything to go by at all, as we have seen all families are different and relationships are different.

I think that's the point - this thread isn't anything to go by - it's not the norm by any stretch of the imagination, it's another one of these Mnet things. And if you actually read closely there aren't actually that many people saying they've done it, just loads saying the OP should or that they might.

clarissa and countess

Normal is what the new mother wants not in laws or parents or friends or anyone else.

You give birth you have the absolute right to dictate

As many people have already said, every experience and every family is different and it would be wrong to generalise and say only one particular decision is right. You and your DH must do what feels right for you and if the GPs / other extended family members are reasonable people they will understand and respect your feelings. At the end of the day you and your DH are the ones who have to cope when everyone else has had their fill of visiting and buggered off.

FWIW, when I had my DD 16 years ago it was all very traumatic and she had to be delivered by ECS. My mum and brother came to visit me in hospital after about 4 days - I was happy to see them - and stayed nearby. By the time I got home I had a horrible wound infection and felt dreadful and was really struggling to bf so I begged my mum to stay for a few days. Her response was, "Oh no, you don't want to be bothered with visitors when you've just had a baby" which kind of missed the point really. I'm sure my MIL would have been only too happy to come and stay and help out, but I think for the majority of new mums the instinct is to want your own mother first. It's just they may not always react the way you would like!

I think you are not being unreasonable. You can change your mind once the baby is here if you feel like it.

I'd also say I saw on Facebook recently someone had put as their profile pic a reminder to people not to announce their labour or birth until they'd done so themselves. If I had my time again I'd use something like that as my sil took it upon herself to announce her new nephew while I was still in the operating theatre being sewn up, thus I didn't get to tell my friends or family myself.

You'd never think that the majority of the adult female population of the world have managed to give birth without banning their family from seeing the baby for a week would you?

Since when did people become so self absorbed and self indulgent about something that happens to hundreds of thousands of people everyday?

I appreciate that to each family it's something precious and special and the natural thing is to want to share that with those you love no? And why the father's family seem to be 2nd class citizens I have no idea.

Anyway with the exception of those who have had life and death complications and/or sick babies to deal with, yabu. No-one is expecting you to put on an event and party and be hostess and not have any time with your new born ffs, they are wanting to see you and welcome your child into his or her family/community. By all means set boundaries so you are not overwhelmed, but I stick by what I said, it's not normal (i.e. the norm) to ban all visitors and sit by yourself with the baby for a week or more. I'd be pretty sure that it wouldn't be recommended from a PND point of view either.

Oh Zumba, that's rubbish. What a selfish thing to do!

Just realised that last message might have read wrongly. I meant, what a selfish thing for your SIL to do, Zumba, not you!

When DS was born we had a few visitors but mostly they kept it brief. The one or two who hung on a bit were very politely told that baby had to sleep, be fed, be changed etc and it would be great to see them again later. It is your baby your rules and though some people feel they have a right to see the newborn that's not really the case it is always your choice and they need to respect that. Saying that however all were pretty much great with us. Hope you have a good and easy time of it

oneMagnum

No one Is advocating sitting by themselves holding a baby in splendid isolation but what the he'll is wrong with just new mum/dad and baby pulling up the drawbridge for s few days and having a baby moon.

I would have loved that with ds 1 and by dc 4 was old enough to demand it.

Grandparents are priceless. Let them come. Stay upstairs in your pjs with the baby and invite them up. They won't stay long and you can guarantee a cup of tea will come with them. The joy you'll give them will be worth it, particularly when you need baby sitters down the line. Most others won't need telling. They will ask when you're ready to receive visitors and if anyone comes unannounced just ask your DH to say you and the baby are sleeping. lota of luck with the birth. X

I agree OneMagnumisneverenough - it certainly seems to bring out the Prima Donnas on MN.
I can't believe the people who say 'surely grandparents can wait a week'- do they not realise that the baby will have changed in tnat week?
Why on earth do you need to entertain anyone?! They won't expect it. Send them off to be useful.
In RL I have never known anyone police visitors. They are generally wanting to share the joy and excitement- especially with their own parents.
How unfair to give the maternal grandmother special privileges and ban the paternal one. Isn't the father wanting his parents there - I expect he finds it more exciting and comfortable than having his MIL there but he is expected not to mention it!
You have to hope that what goes around comes around and OP gets a boy and when her grandchild is born she is told 'I want my mum, she is real family and you can wait a couple of weeks'!
Why would you treat grandparents differently? The baby will make their own relationship- it will be nothing to do with your preference.

No one Is advocating sitting by themselves holding a baby in splendid isolation but what the he'll is wrong with just new mum/dad and baby pulling up the drawbridge for s few days and having a baby moon.

Nobody is saying that they shouldn't after they've allowed the close family to have a quick squiz at the baby and say congratulations. And you yourself have said a few days, not a week or more which is what was being discussed and I was referring to.

Lots of different points of view here. I'd say see how it goes OP. Personally I didn't want many visitors as I had enough on looking after a newborn. I don't know how old your P/PIL are but it's possible that they have birth when you were in hospital for 5 days even for an uncomplicated birth. It's different now, you have checks day 2,3,5 etc post birth. So when pp are saying have something on alternate days I agree, but midwife/hospital checks take up roughly alternate days for the first week - depending on baby's weight gain. That doesn't leave you much time for visitors.

With DC1 and 2 I had straightforward births, had to stay overnight with DC1 due to my blood loss and was straight out with DC2, but with stitches and associated pain. With DC1 I struggled to breastfeed so was visiting the clinic every day for the first few days for support. There was a lot of nipple waving going on from me and I really wouldn't have been comfortable doing it in front of male family members/friends.

With DC2 I had to go back to my birth hospital (35 min drive, lots of stitches, very painful) on day 2 for a standard check, then midwife appt the next day, then back to hospital and admitted to a paediatric ward the following day. It was all ok but it's not uncommon. As this was DC2, people were less interested which was actually a good thing!
I'd clear your first week, then you can allow visitors if appropriate.

The same people will be moaning in a couple of years that they get no help and family show no interest!

Oh just to add, hospital visitors on the other hand are easy - you're there anyway and your expected to be in bed, you can't go any make tea, and it's hard to sleep in a ward anyway. MIL popped in last time which was nice.

*you're

Grandparents are hardly visitors- you can put your feet up, do nothing but spend time with the baby and leave them to shop, cook, clean etc.

Why do you need to make tea?! People are capable of putting the kettle on and making their own!