AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

iliveinalighthouse - I am probably a bit late to add to this thread but reading through, I am really shocked at how people have jumped on you (not literally) for what you said. As I think one sensible person said, all families are different and no-one else has the right to say what it's right or wrong as what may suit one family can be completely different for another. For what it's worth (and I have two small children), I had a home birth with my second child and my sister was round at my house within the hour of my baby being born and had baby I her arms. It was lovely and totally normal for us as we are close. She checked first that it was ok to come up and see us but also said she knew I'd be tired and would f stay long. But she was just dying to see her new nephew. Perfectly normal in my opinion.
I appreciate that we are all different and its find if this wouldn't suit other people but really I am shocked at how people have turned and bee quite nasty to someone on here. I read what she said and totally thought of my own sister, who couldn't wait to steal a cuddle.

We suggested family come for a quick say hello to the baby and then come to visit (staying in a hotel!!) a couple of weeks later.
Thankfully pil and my parents were really respectful when we were explicit about what we wanted.

I don't think your being unreasonable not wanting mountains of visitors but I do think grandparents should get a short visit the day your home, then maybe leave it a week? I had a horrible experience with ds 2 in one way, I'd said no visitors at the hospital, my mum and dp were my birth partners (couldn't do it without my mum she's my rock and dp is useless in these situations) after a very traumatic birth ds2 got stuck on the bottom of my spine for 3 hours then came out with he's hand holding he's ears so tore really bad. I just wanted to get home and show my other ds he's new brothers we rung round family to say I'd had him all was well, no visitors until ds saw he's brother first. An hour later in comes dp's aunt and nan start making comments about my choice not to breast feed etc etc was so annoyed. We'd already said we were getting discharged two hours later would go spend time with my ds1 and would go to them the next day. I was so exhausted I just wanted to cry.

Sorry meant day after your home x

After a had a failed induction I had a emergency c section come home two days later had lots of visitors as soon as I got home even had someone k onk on my door at 9:30 at night I told ppl not to come round for a few days as I was shattered .

Feeling very blessed with my relationships with friends and family. Loving, considerate, secure and sensitive. None of this 'no visitors for X days'. I wanted them to meet my babies and they totally got that it was important to keep it short and sweet.

It's not always about what the visitors are like Enjoyingthepeace. Sometimes it's about the personality type of the mum. I absolutely did not want anyone but DH to see me vulnerable, tearful, scared, exhausted, with my tits out etc. I needed some time to find my feet and collect myself. I'm very fortunate that my friends and family are not massively entitled dickheads who take offence, because they understand everything isn't about them.

When someone very close to you dies, you can't stop others grieving, from wanting to perhaps see the body, attend the funeral, be at the wake, visit the grave. You might want to be all alone but you have to accept that others have a relationship with that person and need to grieve and that might involve them being in your space.

Similarly, when you give birth I felt that other people had a relationship with my baby that was separate to me, whether that be a grandparent or a niece, and in my mind it would have been utterly repellant to deny those people the opportunity to meet this new person to the family. They got that it was for a limited time, just as one would hope people would be with those closest to someone who had just died, but ultimately this new addition to the family is hopefully going to have very close loving relationships with other people, and I would like to foster that from the get go. Plus I loved introducing my baby to my family. So emotional and the room just bursting with love.

Our daughter was in NNICU, grandparents, aunties, uncles, had to wait at least 6 weeks to have a cuddle as they weren't allowed into the unit, or if they were, they weren't even allowed to touch.

A week is not a long time and families should respect parents wishes. Having a newborn is overwhelming and the last thing I would have wanted to do would be to entertain. Even when our girl got home, the family suggested we host a big party and everyone would come round. I put a stop to it and told people if they wanted to come after a week or so, we'd be happy to have them visit, just not all together. Many of them never did. Frankly, it's their loss. If they couldn't understand why a baby - let alone one just out of NNICU (who shouldn't have even been born yet) shouldn't be around a dozen people at once, then they're aren't really folks I'd want around a lot of the time.

I don't think you are BU. In fact, you're being very sensible. However, I would make an exception for the grandparents. A week would seem like forever for them, especially as it's the first grandchild on both sides. They'll be dying to get a cuddle with the baby and a photo with him/her. Best of luck. Hope everything goes well and wishing you every happiness with your soon-to-be newborn.

I have been having a similar conversation with my OH today. We are in agreement that no one will come visit until they get invited and there is a priority list of who gets to see baby first. I understand that everyone will be excited, but it's a special time and we want to spend the first few hours/days getting to know our bundle of joy without having to socialise if we are not up to it. I'm a bit soft and struggle to say no, but my OH will be the baddy who tells people they have to wait.

Don't put any extra pressure on yourself and do as you want, not what others want.

Mine was also in NICU, and I was a total state, emotionally all over the place. My mum did come and stay but she was cooking and cleaning at home, spending2 hours with me in the afternoon while husband was in nicu. In laws were very respectful and stayed in a hotel when baby was3 weeks old. He came home while they were staying so although mum saw him first, they cuddled him first ! My poor dad didn't meet baby til he was 6 weeks due to his poor health but despite this all grandparents are still happily attached to us and baby!
It's lovely to have all your family visit if you like that (and we did!) But you definitely get to put yourself first for the short period of recovery. Due to our family being spread apart, I've had to wait a while to meet some of my nephews and nieces and I've just coped.If my son asks me to give them space one day in the future, I will also cope!

Countessofstrathearn - talk about picking at nits! Get a life love!🙄

Like I said as a mum of boys - I would want to feel involved in some small way but that's just me...I tried to involve my mil but she wasn't that interested. My mum was a fantastic source of support though.

Its different with your first child(for you and family)but what I have done is a flying visit to grandparents straight from hospital(proper cup of tea before having to deal with a house that the other half has been popping in to between work and visits)then a couple of days without visitors then when you open your doors to family and friends take the opportunity to have a shower/eat without a baby in your arms/make your bed(the list is endless)they will love the fact you trust them to have the baby and you get a break. I purposefully invited the other half's mum so I could go out for half an hour due to after first baby I got slightly scared of leaving the house so I made a point of going out without baby very quickly so as not to let it get too bad.ultimately do what you want to do.make it work to your benefit. Everyone wants to help out and see new addition.good luck.I hope it all goes really well

Haven't read fge whole thread but op you are not being unreasonable.

As a new gran I filled dils/dss fridge with goodies and cleaned the house while they were at the hospital. I waited to see my dgs until asked and totally respected their need to jell as a little unit.

My ds banned all friends visiting for 2 weeks as my dil needed peace and rest.

Funny enough they wanted us to see the baby the day after the birth which was a privalage not a right.

I wish you were my mil onlyicanclean!! You sound perfect!🙂

You are not BU at all as it's your decision. It certainly is not something I would choose to do (nor did I choose this, the more the merrier as far as I was concerned) but then it's a case of different courses for different horses.
What I do think is vv unreasonable is they manner in which iliveinalighthouse has been flamed in earlier posts and it has made me a bit angry None of us know her, her sister or their family dynamic. For all we know her sister wanted her there. Perhaps the tone of her initial post was a tad histrionic and the choice of diction inappropriate but it's clearly something she feels passionately about. Lay off.

Stick to your guns, op. I wish I and dh had.

I think its totally unreasonable to call a new mum selfish or precious for wanting time to herself with her partner and new baby after giving birth.

My nanna had her first (my uncle) at home with her mil and mum in attendance. When he was born he was whisked away so she could 'rest' and hours later she got out of bed to have a look at him only to find mil feeding and cuddling him! And she was told off for getting out of bed.

She didn't blame me at all for restricting visitors, nor did ny mum, the only person who was stroppy was mil and she's lucky she got to see her at all

My son was prem and in hospital for 10 days, we refused visitors for the first two weeks and when they did come they outstayed their welcome, next child we shall take it visiting so we can leave when we want!

I think we used the prematurity as a excuse really, but when he was in NICU/SCBU it really was a nightmare to visit from inside the hospital, waiting for staff to lift him out of incubator etc.

I think its totally unreasonable to call a new mum selfish or precious for wanting time to herself with her partner and new baby after giving birth.

I don't think anyone was suggesting she didn't have time to herself, just saying that giving up a very small piece of it would be the normal and natural and kind thing to do.

A week is no time at all, make them all wait. Put your foot down, be strong. Do whatever YOU like. If they can't ever get over it, then what will your opinion of them be as opposed to their opinion of you? Someone's always got their nose out of joint in families, you can't keep everyone happy. Just keep you, your OH and your child happy. 3 sets of grandparents visiying in a week - Good Lord, NO!!!

Gosh, I've hit a nerve there, haven't I, Clarissa69?

Of course, and I can say this as a mother of a boy too, it would be lovely "to feel involved in some small way" (which is far more measured than what you said before), but as a DIL, I would hate to be having to manage the expectations of a MIL, or indeed a DM, demanding "to have the same access" as their counterpart. That's how it certainly felt when DM came to visit from another country as she felt she should be holding the baby the whole time because other people had seen the baby first. I'm always glad of the distance that means that she can't descend on us straightaway!

As it is, as I said upthread, it's been my PILs who have been far more helpful and involved than my own DPs each time I've had a baby, but I can definitely appreciate why women closer to their own mothers might not want someone they just don't know as intimately around for great lengths of time while sitting topless for hours trying to get BFing right, bleeding profusely, dealing with tears/scars/hormones/sore nipples.

onlyIcanclean, you sound lovely!

Have just read through the earlier thread. Poor livinginalighthouse. Wow! Harsh!

Anyway OP - hope you make the right decision for you and your little unit. Enjoy this time - it's truly lovely 😊