AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

It's your baby, it's your choice, but I'd still try and let the GPs come and visit - make it short, sharp and (hopefully) sweet.

I'm childfree, but have been asked to support three of my sisters and a SIL in labour. In one sisters case, I flew home for a month to cover any late/ early arrivals, and stayed with her and her husband; 46hr labour, awake for the lot (we watched DVDs while her DH slept, then he fainted). I was relocated to my parents place within 6hrs of delivery, grandparents on both sides visited that night in hospital and were conveniently kicked out by nurses at end of visiting hours!! Everyone was happy... And they got the peace they needed at home to bond

Much more trouble is caused by people taking offence than by people giving offence. People need to put themselves in your shoes. For the sake of your and your baby's health, relatives should not come until you are ready. And if you want your mum, your mil will understand if she is a compassionate person. If she isn't, she'll complain whatever you do probably. I wish people would stop 'being hurt' by people when people desperately need rest.

It's a funny old world where asking people to wait 7 days equals being controlling or highly strung or shutting people out or isolating yourself or being so unbelievably cruel that from then on the other person could not possibly have a decent loving relationship with a child and you should never ask them for any type of help with the child and they will be so devastated they would never forgive you and will potentially be traumatised for life.

But part of the joy of a new baby is showing it off to everyone.

I would never have dreamt of stopping any close relative from visiting. A baby is part of a wider family.

Do what feels right...I insisted I wanted time to adjust but after having my LO I couldn't wait to show her off. I wantes some company too...but this might be because I was in hospital for almost a week after having her. It is very exciting for GP's but I'm sure if you explain to them they will understand. Mine knew I wanted chance to settle but jumped when I said they could come the day she was born. They've had children too...so must understand how hard those first few weeks are! Just don't be frightened to ask them to help if they do come round as they probably don't want to make you feel useless by taking over.

I arranged for everyone to come over to my mum's when DS1 was born. Everyone fussing over him gave me a break. Arranged 2-3 visits in the first week and then everyone left us alone for a while except GPs and my sisters. With the others I didn't care so much as long as they phoned beforehand. All over in a week and could then get into a routine x

MumJoe, you might think Any reasonable person, particularly one who has ever had a baby will know that the last thing you want is a house full of visitors

but some of us have said we wanted visitors. It really isn't the same for everyone.

Agree with the MIL comment. I am a mum to two boys and certainly hope I won't be the lesser nana. I hope to have the same access as the other nana. I didn't get any support after my CS from my mil and I would have gladly accepted it.

Accept support from your mum if you can and look after yourself.

As a MIL I quite understood that my DIL wanted her own mother for the first few days and I visited when I was invited. I'm still very close to DIL and DGS. I was there within minutes of both my DDs giving birth to other 3 DGC. You do what is best for you and if MIL takes offence too bad. It'll pass😊

No one would think a new baby was a matter of joy! It all seems very miserable!

"I hope to have the same access as the other nana."

I have a son as well as daughters, yet will remember that my DIL and GC are actual people, not tourist attractions to "access".

FreshHorizons, what a novel viewpoint!

I do wonder if I am odd as I liked visitors but maybe I'm just a showoff.

I hope to have the same access as the other nana

I know what you meant, but that terminology really makes it sound like you'd be going to court to get equal opportunity to see your GC

After I gave birth, I wanted my mum. She came up to help out while DP went to class and I wrote an essay (the week after DD was born, we were both full time students) so she was mostly looking after me, but also taking care of DD.

No way did I want MIL there. I was tired, bleeding and in pain and still quite poorly (very anaemic after birth). I wanted my mum, not someone else's mum. Yes that meant my mum had more "access" to DD during that time but tough shit to be honest. In the first few days after giving birth, what the new mum says, goes.

YANBU. I wish I had done this with my first. She came early, then had a hospital stay at 5 days, husband went back to work after 3 days, I was shell shocked and still the visitors kept coming. FIL went mental and rang my DH's phone every 20 minutes from she was born for the next 24 hours. He took the whole day off the day after to sit in the hospital all day, despite being told visiting for non partners was limited and I did not want anyone at the hospital other than my mum. I think people need to respect the wishes of the new parents, especially the mother who is trying to recover.

It would be unreasonable and precious not to let close family participate in your joy.

I would let them see the baby in hospital as that means they can only come for visiting hours, right? make one appointment for as many as fit into the room. This means they will come to you on neutral territory, so no need to make cups of tea or keep house in whatever state you would feel obliged to have it in your own house.

Alternatively, have the grandparents organise one big party for everyone at one of theirs and then you have it over with.

In either case, you could then ask for a week's break as you are exhausted/in pain/whatever.

If you get into the whole trying to be fair bollocks you'll stress about nothing else for the foreseeable future. A baby isn't a toy that has to be shared fairly between grandparents. Make decisions based on convenience, your own feelings and how much effort the other side is willing to make. Don't get drawn into "so and so sees the baby more than me" with regards to grandparents.

This takes me back nearly 25 years: by the end of the second week after DC1 was born , after a succession of visits by friends and family members we were just so knackered that all we wanted was to sleep and I'm afraid that we pretended we were out and didn't answer the door one afternoon to one of my o/h's 8 aunts who called uninvited to bring us some kind of perishable gift (probably a bunch of flowers IIRC) - we had our arm twisted by M-i-L to rebook her visit the following day because her need to get shot of the flowers was considered of vital importance...... personally I would have preferred another afternoon's sleep. I definitely recommend unplugging the doorbell and lying low if / when it all gets too much.

I totally understand where you are coming from. Just bear in mind that even the most annoying, demanding and hard work GPs will only be put off visiting for so long and sometimes hospital is the easiest place to restrict their visiting time. Also the first 24 hours or so generally involves the least feeding. Having said that, if you are feeling ill afterwards then maybe the hospital could have suggested no visitors???

And yes, your MiL may take offence but sometimes you just need your mum and that is OK. It's up to you what you do. Try to remember that your DH may feel differently though and want his mum there. The main thing here is to talk to DH about what you both want before imposing rules. I figure that one day I'll be a MiL and I won't expect to intrude on my DiL's space if that is how she feels no matter how much I may want to see my DGC - it's not about me!

Your baby, your body, your choice. Just SAY when you do/don't want visitors...they will understand. If they do arrive unannounced...fab, free by sitters and cleaners!

Of course you're not being unreasonable!!! This is your experience and your baby, you make the rules!! It's tough if people are put out by it. They'll get over it! A baby isn't a toy to passed from pillar to post. you have kept your baby safe for 9 months. It knows the sound of your voice and your heart. It would be more than sensible to give the baby at least a week to get used to you, dad and the outside world before introducing other people. I'm always surprised by the attitude that GPs should get immediate visitation. Why? The most important people to that baby are the parents and the parents wished should always be observed!!!

If you are planning to breastfeed, please be aware that an undisturbed first hour plus skin-to-skin contact as much as possible with baby is really important. In the first few days and weeks you will be establishing the breastfeeding relationship and this can be hard to do with visitors around. Most likely the baby will be on/off the breast as s/he learns how to feed, will feed A LOT, and it is not ideal for baby to be passed to lots of different people when what s/he wants is mum's smell and comfort. Remember baby has spent 9 months inside you and all this light, noise and people can be a big shock so there is a lot of value in a gentle time after birth. Please look after yourself and prioritise yourself and your baby. Sorry if this sounds patronising! Wishing you all the best xxx

All these posters saying it's 'weird' to not want lots of visitors round in the first week, and that they've 'only ever seen this on Mumsnet', are presumably all bubbly extroverts who are lucky enough to have great relationships with their extended families. Is it really so hard to imagine less ideal scenarios?

I'm expecting my pfb in September and am dreading family visits. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, and my in laws, while fine in small doses, are pushy, noisy, and overbearing when they come to stay. Everyone lives hundreds of miles away, so short visits are not an option. Their visits cause us stress at the best of times, but with a newborn, sleeplessness, and post-birth discomfort thrown in, I can only presume the stress will be magnified.

For us, it's a matter of seeing how long we can get away with being on our own before the seige begins.

Hello, congratulations on pregnancy. It isn't much fun that you are worrying about this now when you have other things to think about.

With both of mine we said no visitors at hosp or at home, immediate family (grandparents) called over and one close friend, that was perfect for us. We were very clear in the text we sent around when baby was born that all was well but we just needed some time to get to know each other so no visitors please, but thanks for all your warm wishes etc...

This is such a precious time for your new little family unit and you and baby are the most important people, your family will learn to understand. Having a new baby is such a new experience and sometimes you will feel totally exhausted afterwards (praying not the case for you) and if you are going to breastfeed you might prefer to have skin to skin without feeling pressure to cover up or entertain. So many of my friends have said they thought we were wise with our clear boundaries and have followed our lead.

You won't get those early days back, you don't want to spend them resenting family and making coffee for others. If you need your Mum that is 100% okay. This is totally about you and your bundle.

Good luck.

With my firs daughter we didn't tell anyone I was being induced and we spent a week in after she was born. We were discharged Friday evening and I told people I would be home Sunday! We had time together to get to know each other first.
When my second child was induced we had to let a few people know for childcare for dd1.
By the time we had our third baby I wanted things to be different so I had him at home. I was chatting to my mum at 10pm on the Tuesday and face timed her at 9pm on the Wednesday from my own bed with the baby in my arms!
In my experience the first baby generates loads of visitors straight away. With the second it's not as rushed and they come in dribs and drabs!
If you are having a hospital birth you could do what I did and not let people know your exact release date!