AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

YANBU. I had the same issue. In practice I had a difficult delivery and was in hospital for a few days. Both sets of grandparents came to see us in hospital and then at home during the first week but only for a few hours at a time. They were also told not to expect any "hosting" and so in fact brought food for us all.

All you'll want to do is to lay around with your baby bonding and feeding and sleeping when you can. Having people staying overnight puts unnecessary pressure on. After the first week my mum stayed for a few days to help clean, cook and generally keep the house functioning. This may have been unfair on the MIL but I think most people accept that new mums only really want their own mum to see them with their huge engorged baps out!!!

Good luck. Hold firm, you won't get this time again so make sure you are comfortable xxx

Don't be too categorical, because that puts up fences which you then need to mend or take down later. Instead, I suggest you get your significant other to say to family that you will be taking it easy for a few days and you need some time alone to adjust and make your mistakes in private!

take each day as it comes, and if someone comes to the door, don't automatically get up and answer it. Get someone else to do that, and then you can sit and look beautiful and ethereal and other people can run around you.

You may want to lap up the love, and you may want to feel supported, so while deciding that you deserve to take it easy - as you do! - allow others to help, and when you've had enough, say, 'Right! That's it, I'm pooped and I'm going to bed.' or something. No-one minds that.

All the best! :D

Kristina, well said.In my case I was in hospital 2 weeks before prem birth of DS1 and 3 weeks after.We knew nobody else with a baby and this was the first grandchild also.Sadly my family are not very near.But you need to make your own decisions from the start.

I have a bossy BIL with eldest brother syndrome. We had asked MIL to help but he decided that we were imposing on her, took a few days off and decided he was going to come and help her look after my LOs while I was in hospital. I found it a blooming cheek TBH & MIL didn't like being treated like an old dear either, but was torn between being appreciative of her DS and the help.

It felt like a bit of an intrusion of my privacy. I was in hospital for a week post section and had a catheter in for 48 hours so found some visitors humiliating. Especially my sodding BIL who decided to come along with DH & the children!

I agree though, you do feel like Billy No Mates when everyone else has loads of visitors and I had 30 mins from DH once in the morning and once in the evening. TBF he wasn't slacking but trying to look after the other 4 children after being lectured by his brother. Who also took him down the pub and lectured him about getting a vasectomy.

But happy to have GPs visit as soon as they want.

I get your concerns, OP.

I had a tricky birth with my DS (first child) which ended in an emergency section. The section itself was fine but I was horrified to have not-particularly-close friends turning up at hospital within hours, uninvited. I was exhausted, sweaty, unwashed (couldn't shower at that point), sore and battling to establish feeding. I wish I'd told everyone to stay clear until we called them to say otherwise. I hadn't said either way - just assumed people would wait to be asked.

Best solution IMO. I was fine for visitors within a couple of days. You really have no idea how you'll feel until the time comes, and even then one day is very different to the next. Don't feel bad about cancelling invites to visit if you're not up to it in the first few weeks.

I think you might feel differently once you have your little bundle of joy. Honestly, you don't know how you will feel yet as you haven't given birth. I guess you could say just grandparents (I.e. Parents of you and your other half). I loved having visitors for my first as I had a good birth experience and didn't feel too knackered etc....
For my second, I had an emergency CS and I was a total nightmare coming down from the drugs....seriously, it was like the girl in the exorcist- I ended up upsetting my father in law and had to apologise afterwards.
Don't be frightened of the birth - it is sooooo lovely when you have your baby, you forget it all 😊

I have 2 sons, and if i was asked to wait until future Daughter In Law was ready for visitors, I would respect their decision. I also have 3 daughters. If they asked me to wait until they were ready for visitors, I would respect their decision. At the end of the day, not my baby, not my body, not my decision.

As a GM, I think it would be very harsh to exclude GPs for so long, but entirely reasonable to limit the number of other visitors, if any. Though I guess you may feel differently after the birth and enjoy showing him/her off in moderation.

Though of course I agree it's your decision to make.

Hi! :) I know I'm late to the party and on top I havent RTWT, but have you thought playing it by ear? I thought I wasn't going to want visitors (knowing I was going to have a c section etc), but I felt great after the birth and had loads of people round. Only two at a time, though, and I asked them to make their own tea. Good luck with it all.

Yabu re grandparents, however good visiting etiquette means this first visit should not run over 1 hour and if they are polite they will bring a home cooked meal in the form of a lasagne or such that can be reheated at a desperately needed moment, it is also quite acceptable to expect them to make the tea including one for you. A really good guest also washes up before seeing themselves out.

I think everyone's pretty much said it. Let them wait a week. I had to stay in hospital for a week and had visitors daily. Of course it wasn't so bad then because didn't have to care about cooking or anyhing, just looking after baby and nurses on hand to help. However when we got home it was a different story.

Every family member would give their two cents worth about how to take care of the newborn (first grandchild on both sides) visits pretty much every day, tensions were high not just with me but my DH and family who thought it was their right to see the new baby. If I could do it again I would have told everyone to wait at least 2 weeks!

You need time to adjust at home and get into a routine and to get to know your new baby

I'm an only child, and I've learned to do what's right for me over the years. When I had my LO, I had my parents visit in the hospital (emergency Caesarian, there for a few days), and my best friend I've known all my life surprised me with a visit - stayed at Mum's for a few days after before going home. That is what was right for us. When LO was a bit older (a few weeks), when I felt ready for it, OH and I visited friends/relatives. Do what is right for you and your LO. The people that mind don't matter, and the people that matter don't mind.

Even better if this visit can happen whilst you are in hospital as visiting hours will dictate the meeting is kept brief, then a few days grace is bought before you need have people at home.

I completely understand where you are coming from. My MIL was so pushy during my pregnancy that I made DH promise he wouldn't let her know I had gone into labour as I had visions of her turning up to watch. We sent pics immediately and said we wanted a few days on our own to relax and find our feet. dC1 was born midnight Monday, came home Tuesday and grandparents visited at the weekend. No -one will mind waiting a few days but you will regret having visitors forced upon you. Good luck!

I couldn't wait to show mine off. If people hadn't visited I'd have gone out and dragged people in. Both families were thoughtful and it was short visits, I wouldn't have wanted people sitting around all day or expecting me to do drinks and food.

I am worried that you feel guilty that you may need your mum at the same time as not being up for visitors.

Whilst pregnancy isn't an illness, birth is a medical event that can be traumatic both physically and emotionally. Please don't set yourself up for not being allowed support when you need it most, from the person most appropriate to give it.

Sometimes people - even fathers - can forget that birth is not only about the person being born, its also about the person giving birth.

I don't want to put a downer on it, but almost certainly you will have been working extremely hard in extreme pain for over 12 hours and have some stitches.
That's if it goes well.
You will also be full of hormones for some weeks. Again best case scenario.

This is the time in your adult life when it is most traditionally acceptable to need your mum, and there are good reasons for that.

However nice your mil is, she is not your mum, and if your mum (or sister or best friend, whoever you need) has to see the shiny new toy in order to be there for you then any reasonable other person would darn well suck it up.

With our first we did the slow trickle of guests thing. It was fine, but it meant there was never a day 'off'.

With number 2 we had the whole family up for a day (about 5 days after birth). Everyone came at once, took us for a pub lunch and it was lovely...a frantic day but all was done in one fell swoop.

Do what feels right for you.

Firstly, newborns are so squishy and tiny and change in the first few days so I could understand why grandparents would want to visit, surely if you say 1 hour maximum visit over the first couple of days then 3 hours isn't that much of a cross to bear? Plus, you'll probably want to show off your tiny new little bundle to your nearest and dearest, they are amazing and you WANT people to coo over them etc.
I would see how it all goes personally and warn people that you are not taking general visitors until after a week or two - but that grandparents will get the chance first - whenever that may be - in the first few days or week.
Don't stress about it too much, more often that not the thought of something is far worse than the reality :-) xx

Hi I have just read the opening but here is my experience. I too felt a bit overwhelmed by it all and just wanted to have time with my DH and our new baby. I Made it very clear to everyone that we wanted to get to know our baby before everyone visited. My DH agreed I only wanted him at the birth with midwifes -who were brilliant by the way. And I did get the birth I wanted which was at home. I must seem a bit all me me, but it was lovely, my DH was brilliant and with me the whole time and we had a wonderful few days together. My Mum and MIL came about 4 days later. On the same day to try and make it all fair!!! We felt ready to share our DS as we had quality time together before. I would be clear with everyone what you would like, and remember you are only human and might change your mind. While having a baby is quite normal and amazing at the same time, it is a trauma to your body and mind and you need to make sure you are relaxed and happy with what is happening. Best wishes for your birth and I hope all goes as you like.

I was living abroad when I had my son. He was early and I was pretty poorly after the birth. If have given anything for visitors. I'd have loved my mum and dad and friends to come over. My first visitors were one of my husbands work colleagues (and friend) and his mother who was visiting him at the time. I felt incredibly alone and totally overwhelmed without any 'normal'. My parents managed to get a flight and arrived four days later. I've never been happier to see my mum in my life.

Any reasonable person, particularly one who has ever had a baby will know that the last thing you want is a house full of visitors. I was not able to put on clothes for a week and the feeding can be tricky till you get the hang of it! Get DH to arrange the visits once you are up to it. xx

I understand why you think you might want this, but my advice is take is as it comes and don't make hard and fast rules and that might unnecessarily upset your family, especially if you have a good extended family.

With DS1 my parents came to stay for a few days, various visits from grandparents aunties, uncles and friends in the first week, and to be honest as I was up and on my feet and loved the company, the cooing over the baby, the endless cups of teas etc. it was a great time, and dh and I didn't a feel the need to be just 'us.'

DS2 - not a great delivery I came home, didn't get out of bed for 4 days. My parents came up, looked after me and dh as we were shattered. My brother and his wife came and took ds1 on days out and I still had lots of visitors. To be honest I had a house full and it wasn't a great time but I was so knackered and in so much pain I wouldn't have cared if Barnums Circus was downstairs as long as someone was making the tea and looking after ds1.

So, do what you want, but keep an open mind.

It is tricky because our relationship to our MIL is not the same as our relationship to our mother but both have the same to the baby. As the mother of a boy I would like to think that I won't be "the lesser grandmother". A short hospital visit by our MIL or a visit to her with the baby may be a way to include her. At the end of the day your baby your call but even a short meeting in a lical cafe, park etc might be a compromise?

I did just that with my second. With my first I thought I would have liked the "help" but then I find out there's little help, lots of passing me the baby and people getting a bit awkward when you want to put baby to nap (every 90 min) or breastfeed in peace. With my second I decided that no visitors for two weeks unless whoever came was going to get in charge of housework/ cooking / cleaning. You need help and support, not guests to look after. I dong think YABU at all. Just send lots of pics over WhatsApp or Facebook and arrange to meet after you feel better and have a routine. You might have stitches, ache all over, have lots of bleeding, struggle to feel a person for a few days... Not the time for visits, IMO!