AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

I agree on the setting limits, it's a really good point when you're dealing with sane, rational, reasonably practical people. However, not all families are sane and rational and many aren't practical. If I asked my in laws to go shopping, I can honestly say there would be more fuss, noise, hassle, and general pain than if I got up myself and did it. I have no idea quite how they manage to turn even the slightest of journeys into an expedition, but it takes them about 25 minutes just to get from the house to the car on a normal day, and I'm not even exaggerating. Then I would have to tell them the way in great detail, with every landmark, despite the fact they have a perfectly functional sat nav on their phone. It is exhausting! Any attempt to set limits on it - e.g 'Do you think we can leave the house in the next 10 minutes' - just causes more fuss and confusion.

Whereas with my Dad, it would just be a question of 'Can you go get me some baked beans, Dad?' and it would be done. He'd figure out all the practicalities himself and he'd just go quietly and quickly.

(I should point out that these are the same inlaws who 'inspired' my first Mumsnet thread. I'd recently had gynae surgery that took away my ability to have children, and they still insisted we drove down to them for Christmas. They then went out, leaving me in an unheated house, by myself, with no food. So I feel pretty secure in saying that they are not the kind of people who would just muck in and look after a woman after she'd given birth, or put her needs first. And they are far from being unique in being that self-centred).

I went to NCT and they really encouraged us to spend time 'bonding' and a family and getting to know your baby. My DH is introvert and pushed me into it. I had a few visitors in hospital but one I was at home for a whole week, people would phone to come and visit and he'd answer the phone and turn them away ( I was recovering from a very traumatic birth) so couldn't get to the phone. It was such and lonely and miserable time.

Don't assume anything. Have a chat with them beforehand and explain how you may feel (personally I'd allow at least a short visit early on but it's totally your call, not theirs). Then see how you actually do feel. I recovered very quickly and really wanted to see people, but others obviously don't.

Well. When ds1 was born my parents came to see us - they lived a long way away and didn't stay with us but with relatives nearby. My dad in the end didn't come because he felt ill and didn't want to pass anything on to the baby. It turned out to be cancer and he died 5 months later. All of which to say, I'd let the GPs come, because you never know what's round the corner.

Hi Ladies

I think we know what we're going to do now. We're going to tell everyone not to come to the hospital or to turn up at the house. We'll give them a call when we're ready for a visit and won't mention a time frame. Like others have said, 'I'll see how I feel'. When we do feel up to visitors it'll be a quick half hour hello and a quick cuddle IF baby is awake. I like the suggestion of not disturbing the sleeping baby! (My aunty has also advised this and my mum).

Thanks again for your input, it is nice to hear that there are other ladies like me who are unsociable yet loved showing off their baby. I hope I'm like this x

I agree with telling people not to drop by unannounced. I always think it's very rude to do that to a couple who have just had a baby.

Two of DH's relatives "popped in" unannounced at 9.30pm , took the baby off me for a cuddle, gave him back to me, and said "right we can say we've met him now" and buggered off again. I have genuinely hated them ever since.

NB they were an aunty and uncle who didn't really keep in touch, so not even close family.

MissBattleaxe How rude not to mention intrusive! We'll be keeping our door locked and not answering it hehe!

Quite right Lou! A new mother is utterly entitled to say no to unexpected visitors. It's a very private and intimate time. Visitors by appointment only! I wish you many happy times with your baby.

MissBattleaxe Thank you! x

I actually had a growl at my bil when they were visiting the other week. He was trying to tickle the baby when he was trying to sleep. I snapped 'it's not you that has to deal with a cranky baby' he soon got the message

YANBU. Its totally your choice and people should respect that no matter how excited they are to see the baby.

I couldn't do this myself though. If one of us had a massive family I would be tempted to say only grandparents can come visit or something, but I would not stop my parents or his from seeing their grandchild as soon as they wanted to. Even more so because chances are I would be asking them for help with something or other (not saying you would need help...speaking personally)

My parents visited pretty much as soon as my son was born. A few hours after my daughter was born but thats only because she had to be on heat lamps and I was too drugged up to deal with people for a while.

I think YABU sorry. They will have bee looking forward to meet their grandchild/niece/nephew etc. Have time restrictions if you want but I don't agree with no visit rule X

The suggestion to take your baby to a relative's house is excellent - what a good idea, as you will probably want to have a breath of fresh air and they will be doing all the tea making and rushing about with plates of cakes. You can arrive when you are ready, leave when you have had enough, and avoid upsetting GPs completely. Always a difficult time - you are shattered but this is a wonderful, life changing experience for everyone in the family.

I wish I had been more firm about visitors when my DS was born Similar to you he has lots of sets of grandparents due to complicated families. DP's step Ma lost the plot when I put her visit back a day (because I was recovering from c section and haemorrhage!) these big families are tough and demanding. there's lots of competition amongst all the GPs! With hindsight I wish I'd been firmer about a few days with just us! Good luck with your delivery xx

Id just like to say that I'd have liked visitors but my family lives in another country and my mil was worried about being intrusive. My dh went back to work in another city and was only at home at weekends. Without the NCT I wouldn't have had anyone. Don't assume baby is enough. Careful about shutting people out. Send them to Sainsbury if necessary but they can always hold baby while you have a shower or your dinner as well.

Totally reasonable IMO, I had nobody for 2 weeks except a friend I wanted to see and show my baby off to. With my second I didn't come home from hospital until the day my in laws left (helping with my eldest) and then again nobody for a further week. I think getting to know each other and getting your head around having your own baby is good to do by yourselves. And people will get it!

You sound lovely, and thoughtful, and it's not unreasonable, especially if all the baby books are to be believed. But it does come across as highly strung. My cousin sent out cards detailing when and at what times we could visit, and how long we could stay, and it came across as a bit highly strung and even off putting as I really felt a visit from us would put her out.

What I will say is - enjoy the attention! I know it can be tiring when you're flung in to this new world full of boke and poop and screaming. But when your next comes along, all those people who came to see you and wish you well and pour attention on your gorgeous new ba won't be showing up next time (unless they're close relatives/friends) You'll probably get a card in the post. Or a message on Facebook. Or nothing at all! You probably won't even be offered that much help from your mum or MIL next time either. So, if it's possible, relax, don't feel like you need to dress to impress and let your partner lead the visit should you need to excuse yourself to breastfeed or lie down. And just enjoy your first baby. There won't ever be a time again like it.

Good luck.

Not unreasonable at all. The problem with visitors is 50 people 'just pop in for a second', stay an hour, and the poor mother is knackered, and any hope of a quiet, peaceful and calm beginning to motherhood goes out of the window, and of course, every one of these 50 visitors is BLISSFULLY unaware that they have contributed to hours and days of disturbed naps, feeds and cosy, safe bonding. It's thoughtless and selfish, and lets face it, this is 2016... pics of the baby can be sent in seconds, skype is almost the same as 'being there', and they can bloody well wait.

My best friend had no visitors to hospital and for first week at home except the Grandparents. I was disappointed as I wanted to help support but I realised in reality there was nothing I could do to help.
Personally I think having visitors to hospital is a good idea in terms of immediate family. They are bound to be excited as its the first Grandchild and at least the visiting hours and number of visitors are restricted. The hospital are very strict on both you and baby needing rest so they don't let anyone in before and they make sure everyone leaves on time.
It's much harder to tell someone you've had enough at home. Could you perhaps let parents visit the hospital ( then you can see your mum too) and then say you want a bit of time to get in to a routine? You can always call on your mum too then if needed x

I was really pleased to have visitors, they weren't there all the time thought. My DH and I had an arrangement that while he was on paternity leave he did most nappy changes, made tea for guests etc and pampered me so I had a chance to relax I spent most of those two weeks on the sofa, which gave my body time to heal. Especially as it was mostly up to me once he went back to work and just wasn't around to help 😀
What's important though is how you feel - what about saying only grandparents the first week unless you feel up to more?

YABU grandparents came to see all 3 DCs when they were born in hospital.
When we got home with DS (first born), we actually ended up going to see (railroaded by the MiL) people rather than them visiting us. DH's paternity was over before we knew it and I was stressed to the max. It was shit. When I got pregnant again, I was adamant I wasn't going anywhere during the 2 weeks off this time.

My parents came daily when I was in with DTwins, as they had DS who obviously wanted to see me and his dad. Once home we didn't see anyone for a fortnight. It was much better and what we wanted.

Don't let anyone make you feel like YABU, just enjoy the time as a family.

There has to be a balance here. To those who want everything on their terms I hope you never need to rely on family for childcare or support with the LO in the future...
Fine to keep ppl at bay if you feel you need to but bear in mind they are rightly excited too and it is fair enough that they want to meet baby asap. It is their family, they have rights too in that respect (esp GP, their right to have contact with GC is now legally recognised and more and more so). So just try to maintain a fair balance. I allowed my MIL to come and stay with us for 2 months when my first one was born, I barely knew her then but she lives v far away and I felt it was only fair to allow her this. I never regretted it, she is a great support to us.

Best thing I did. After DS1 was born 16, yes 16 People decended on my hospital bed at the same time thanks to my mother. When DS2/3 came along I had a strict no visit rule I was so traumatised. GP'S were allowed to visit but no one else until I felt up to it.
Make the decision and stick by it.

I completely agree YANBU I want to enforce the same thing! I have already warned my mum and FIL that the first visit will be after a week or so and only a short one while we get used to our new family!!