AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

I feel really sad that, as I live abroad and my parents both still work (and in jobs where they can't just take time off at a moment's notice) I will likely have to wait at least a week until they can visit. Same goes for exP's parents, with whom I am quite close.

Unless of course the tiny human chooses to make an early appearance, as my parents are coming to stay in the week before my due date - but as it's my first, and everyone of my generation in both mine and my ex' family was late by at least a week, I can't see that happening

I'm not saying I'll want a stream of visitors immediately- probably much the opposite- but I will definitely feel the absence of my mum in those first couple of days.

(That being said, I don't think you are BU. It's totally your choice- I just happen to think I'll feel differently)

OP and her DH should do exactly what suits THEM. I am at all this talk of it being "cruel" to the poor, poor GPs to have to wait a whole bloody week (possibly) to see the baby. Jeez. Its not about the GPs and what they want, and nor should it be.

Visiting is an invitation, not a right. Yes it's nice that family are excited to see the baby but the baby will still be there in a week's time.

OP might feel differently. She might have an easy birth, establish BF easily, she might feel like seeing people within a short time. That's great. But it is entirely her right to say, now, that visiting will be when she feels up to it and NOT BEFORE. Any family members getting into a sulk about this, or feeling put out, should remember that OP is not having the baby for their benefit!

we limited visitors after I had my first, one visit per day, no more. We could look normal for about an hour or 2 per day, but that was it. Wasn't getting any sleep, and breast fed both of my kids, so needed some time and privacy to work all that out. Lovely that the grandparents are exited, but think that means you need to make it very clear what you want up front. You might find you really want to show the baby off!

I remember my mil coming in the early days. She actually expected me to wait on her hand and foot including doing a roast dinner with no offer of help apart from to hold my baby. Still makes me feel grrr to think about it.

Going back to your situation OP, see how you feel after you give birth. Or tell them to give you a few days (say 3 days) to recover. It is absolutely exhausting and takes some getting used to. By then I'm sure you'll be able to tolerate sitting with them for an hour. Then just take baby upstairs back to bed and let DH chat to them for a bit longer till they go or gives a hint he needs to give you something to eat, but unfortunately isn't up to catering for them too this time beyond a cup of tea and slice of shop bought cake.

I think you need to be fair to your mil. If your mum comes to stay then just invite her (mil) for a visit, even if it's quick. It'll mean she doesn't feel second best.! For everyone else, your house, your rules. Tell them not to come...!

For my first we said we didn't want visitors for two weeks except close relatives. My Mom was at the birth. My MIL wanted to come and visit but I felt uncomfortable because of her partner - I didn't really want men coming round when I felt so poorly and had all the horrible physical birth aftermath things going on. They came after a week, but it felt a bit soon for me.

I think there is a difference between a visit from your Mom and MIL. You may not feel comfortable sharing personal things with her. I also feel a bit awkward about having to entertain my MIL and have the house looking nice for her, no matter how much she says that it doesn't matter. You don't want anything to make you feel more stressed than you already feel at a time like that.

My Dad and sister stayed away without complaint until I felt more comfortable (at two weeks after the birth). I thought that was really nice.

My MIL & FIL were the first family to meet DD when she was 9 hours old. I didn't begrudge them meeting her before my parents, because MIL was in the same hospital as me having chemo for leukaemia, diagnosed a few weeks earlier. We were able to tell her that they would share a name.

Meanwhile my parents came to see us the day after we came home. They had to drive 200 miles, stayed a few hours and drove home again. I still love the pictures we have of them holding their tiny granddaughter.

Wait and see what happens. Don't lay down rules now as everything is about to change. You may be desperate for visitors so you can have a bath within a couple of days. You simply don't know.

I think it is very unfair to exclude one grandmother. You would think it very unfair if your DH said that he was happy to have his mother there but your mother would have to wait.
They are equally grandmothers - you may have a closer relationship with one of them. So might the baby, but until they are older you have no idea which one they will be more comfortable with.
People are at their worst with babies- it all calms down once they can walk and talk and have their own personalities.
It should be a time of joy- not policing.

The baby changes so much in those first few weeks- so sad if close relatives never get to see them at the start.

Don't also presume that things are going to be difficult. I ended up with a c-section but recovered really fast, I was up and walking within hours. Ds slept in a 4 then 3 hour stint at night, every night. I've never felt sleep deprived. Everyone says how hard a newborn is but they can be easy to. I never felt the need to have a parent stay over, my dh was more than enough help. If they have any sense they won't smother you at the start

My mum won't be staying over regardless (we have no room for her), but I wouldn't want her to anyway. If I needed help it would only be a visit in the day :)
Thanks for your thoughts x

I couldn't wait to show ds off tbh. My parents, sisters and stepdaughters all visited on day one and it was fine. Ds slept loads at first so it was actually probably the best time for them to visit because I could talk to them while ds dozed in their arms. Yes I was tired and sore, but I was also adrenaline pumped with excitement because I had this gorgeous new baby to show the world. Getting the visits over and done with on the first day meant we then had peace and quiet. My family all made it clear that after that first visit they'd stay away until I felt up to visiting them and they didn't care how long that took, but to call if I needed anything. I got up and about quote quickly because I felt it was important not to become isolated and possibly depressed. Fwiw I'm a bit of an introvert and value my space, but it was really fine. And such a rewarding moment to see my parents' faces when they held him - absolutely priceless

You asked earlier 'who sets those limits'. Clearly you do. But while obviously you shouldn't be expected to spend the early days entertaining streams of visitors, I think the 'it's ALL about the new mother' attitude is weirdly detached from the reality, and that is that your baby is part of an extended family who if you are lucky will be extraordinarily important in your child's life. I know for my own parents their grandchildren are absolutely the light of their old age. They say they were actually surprised at the gut-wrenching depth of love they feel for my children. Both sets of grandparents would have been hurt beyond imagining if I had waited a week before letting them see our babies, and as for only letting one set of grandparents in and not the other, well, I can't even imagine the emotions there. I can't imagine knowingly causing such hurt to the people who raised me and my husband.

I do find this all quite self-centred. So your mum is good enough to come in and help you, but god forbid anybody actually be allowed early cuddles with their new grandchild? If you are lucky enough to have many sets of involved grandparents, that will make your life immeasurably easier over the years to come, and enrich your child's life too. Don't set a tone of hurt and exclusion before you've even started.

Before you ask, I had three difficult and traumatic births. I wasn't up to entertaining anybody for between weeks and months after them. But I still managed to find space for grandparents to visit in hospital and give their grandchildren a quick cuddle! And with DS, I was utterly dependent on them for looking after my toddler DD for three months while DS was in intensive care...It takes a village, and all that.

I don't really get all the comments about 'entire town and their dog was visiting 2 minutes after the birth and I loved it!'
You maybe did, the OP has said clearly that she's not the type who would.

See how you feel OP, you can always change your mind. But it's your and your OH's baby and if you don't want visitors immediately, that's totally up to you to decide.

Personally I would allow grandparents only even if just a 20 min visit, as soon as possible. It's part of honouring your mother and your father (I'm not religious) and they have waited their whole life for this. When your baby is here you will understand by imagining when they have a baby one day how much you will be overwhelmed by the need to see it. Don't deny the grandparents the chance to see it, kiss it and take a picture to show their friends. Then bed in after that.

I think the 'it's ALL about the new mother' attitude is weirdly detached from the reality, and that is that your baby is part of an extended family who if you are lucky will be extraordinarily important in your child's life.

But that's a life-long relationship. I don't think GP bonding with their GC could possibly be affected by a 1-week-wait at the newborn stage. Whereas a week, for the person who's just given birth new mother being the relevant part is a long time. It can be the difference between struggling to breastfeed and mastering it; between not being able to sit down without wincing, and starting to recover; between pouring warm water on your crotch every time you pee, and being able to go to the toilet without dread.

Fantastic if none of this stuff bothers you, and you actively welcome GP visits, but I really question whether the appropriate response to 'I'm not sure whether I'll be physically up to seeing anyone right away' is 'WE ARE HURT BEYOND IMAGINING'. That, to me, seems self-centred.

You don't know how you'l feel afterwards but if it's making you anxious now then maybe better to put something in place (sensitively if you can though as if there's upset about them not visting then it maybe just as stressful!) I had soooo many visitors in my 1st 3 weeks with family & friends coming, going & staying and to my surprise I loved it (I'm normally a keep to myself girl) it was great to feel loved & vibrant.
Good luck with everything

If one grandmother is allowed in and the other grandparents aren't, then yes, I think it probably could have a long-term effect. And like I said, I had traumatic births that had huge physical effets, and huge trouble breastfeeding. I'm a massive introvert. Still I could find it in myself to allow grandparents in for 20 minute cuddles within a couple of days. Heck, I let them in after a couple of days when DS was on a sodding ventilator, though neither they nor anybody else, including me, was allowed to cuddle him for many weeks after that.

And my parents wouldn't have SAID they are hurt beyond imagining, but they still would have been. I agree with riding, I'm not religious either, but a QUICK visit is part of honouring your parents, for what they did for you, and for what your child will bring to them.

Again, every relationship of grandparents to grandchildren is very different. Some GPs are incredibly wonderful, positive forces in a child's life, and highly involved with hours of childcare each week. It's a fabulous relationship in those families.

Others don't lift a finger, and are completely hands-off both practically and emotionally. Families where this is the case labour under a huge disadvantage compared to those where grandparents are more engaged- financially, practically and emotionally. Where this is a choice that is driven by selfish lack of interest in the grandchildren, I see no absolutely no reason why GPs should have priority over friends who will be more actively engaged in raising the child just because they share a bloodline.

I made sure all grandparents met baby together in hospital on day two. Then it was ' see you soon' to in laws and 'please buy me disposable knickers' to my mum! Seeing more of the baby is often just a perk of the situation for the woman's mum and it's off-set against having loads to do while being snapped at by a hormonal woman. Like having your adult DD fifteen again and on her period. I don't think the dd's mums are all that lucky to be more involved-it must be hard to see your own child drowning in baby blue tissues, chapped nipples, stitches in strange places etc, and probably biting your head off to boot. Only her mum really cares enough to properly help. My partner's mum understandably didn't give a toss about any of that; for her it was just Christmas day. So I had to pretend it was Christmas day until she went away again. It would be unreasonable for me to have had to cope with doing that every day and unreasonable for me to have had to do without my mum just to be 'fair'. What needs to happen is whatever gets mum and baby through those first couple of weeks in the most relaxed and supported manner. The baby's dad has to step up and put his own needs last and many mils find that hard to see and resist it without perhaps meaning to. It's a time when it's quite right and proper that the baby's mum comes first and is waited on etc, but I know I'd have to bite my tongue if I saw my sleep deprived son pushing himself to do this, despite knowing it was appropriate.

I have a lovely relationship with my grandchildren, I provide childcare and all sorts.

I am not phased or bothered at all not even a little bit that one of my grandchildrens mothers felt more comfortable with her own mother for a few days whilst she was still in pain not much feeling like getting dressed quite possibly was still needing to sit on witch hazel pads and getting used to a new baby.

I don't love her child any less I don't see her child any less.

When my own daughter gave birth my interest was in checking she was ok that she had everything she needed and was as comfortable as she could be Going by memory I'm pretty sure the only time I even held my grandchild was when I was holding him trying to help her with her latch, which is not unlike the support my lovely DIL had from her own mother.

Thankfully my own son is not daft and totally understood the differences in support required for his wife, I would have been shocked if he had tried to turn the situation into some sort of grandparents top trumps on my behalf

It would destroy my mum to not be allowed to see her grandchild. I get not letting the whole extended family in but i do think it's selfish to not allow anyone in for a week at all.

And why the heck are some people posting here such martyrs? People wouldn't let you sit down and expect you to run about after them? Should have said you know where the kettle is and get out of my chair!

Neon I agree! My FIL just sat there like a wet blanket holding newborn DD1 on our sofa (after other 3 grandparents had come and gone, speedily and helpfully at all times). At some point he bestirred himself to say 'is there anything I can do to help?' and DH said 'yes you could go to sainsburys please!'. He thought DH was joking, but when he realised he wasn't, FIL did actually get up and go shopping .

There is a big middle ground between 'I won't allow myself to be walked all over' and 'I won't let anybody see baby for a week'. I get the impression some people are going for the latter option because they find it too hard to actually set limits for visits when people are taking the piss.