Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 17/05/2016 18:04

Really ? I think you just made my point for me

FYI Domino ( which stands for ' domiciliary in and out' ) care was introduced in different areas at different times . It was an option , not compulsory . And it wasn't usually for first time mothers.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/05/2016 18:05

Don't be silly tea towel. 20 years ago, women stayed in hospital for 7-10 days after birth Bit more than 20 years ago mind you, but my DM had 7 of us at home. When I was born (9.15am) she still made it to school in the afternoon to do the school pick up. Can't confirm if she had/allowed any visitors though. Certainly not her in-laws since my dad was an orphan who grew up in a children's home. I am sure she didn't hide me under a blanket in the pram when she was out.

squoosh · 17/05/2016 18:05

I hate people who 'lol' and use strikethrough to call other people nutters.

Kr1stina · 17/05/2016 18:06

I'm afraid you are wrong. I have three children in their 20s .

Kr1stina · 17/05/2016 18:07

I'm devastated squoosh

squoosh · 17/05/2016 18:08

I don't doubt you are.

OneMagnumisneverenough · 17/05/2016 18:09

I have teenagers, I left hospital after 3 days (DS1) and 2 days (DS2) both after a c-section.

teatowel · 17/05/2016 18:13

Strange that I can't call my grown up child precious, are only new born babies precious? Whilst desperate is perhaps a strong word I will be very concerned about my daughters when they have their own babies. Parents don't only love their young children you know. For what its woth I get on extremely well with my children's partners. I have very much not the MIL or Mother from hell. We are a close loving family. Thank you for my character assasination though.

mrsrhodgilbert · 17/05/2016 18:17

My DD were born 19&22 years ago. It was normal to stay in hospital 3 or 4 nights but meals were certainly not served in bed and babies were not all taken to a nursery at night. Visiting was twice everyday with no limits for dads. It's very sad that new mums are having to leave so quickly now, I'd have been frightened, but all the more reason to have family support if the family are loving and kind. Just set some ground rules.

WindPowerRanger · 17/05/2016 18:24

Actually, more important than visiting arrangements is being prepared to tell all visitors what you do and don't want or need.

So many women post about sitting through over-long visits, or being expected to get up and make tea for guests. One I particularly remember told how the poster had to sit on the floor, post-section, as the various relatives who had arrived had taken all the chairs. Don't let that happen to you-speak up!

Make sure that you and your DH have an understanding so that over-stayers are told nicely by him that you are tired now and need to rest. Go upstairs to feed or rest whenever you need to, make plain your bedroom is off-limits to all, things like that. Don't make food, fuss about housework or anything.

dowhatnow · 17/05/2016 18:57

16 years ago we were allowed one night but often people went home the same day.

CountessNatasha · 17/05/2016 19:12

I just don't think there are any rules for this - different families, births, relationships with in-laws, introvert v extrovert etc. Also i know it sounds so patronising and I know you're sick of hearing it but you really don't know how you'll feel until the baby arrives.

FWIW I have the kind of family who were there asap, passed the parcel and popped in when they could and I loved it! My kids aren't just mine but all of ours and that works well for our family. I think the whole "they stayed for hours and expected hospitality" is a bit wacky as I liked people around and found being alone more overwhelming than being around family. I also don't get that making a cup of tea and a sandwich is a massive imposition.

HOWEVER, I recognise I feel like this because I'm lucky enough to have a great family with the kind of relationships where if I was knackered I could say "well if you want a drink the kitchen's right there and I'll have a hobnob whilst you're at it" - not everyone has this, not everyone is comfortable with lots of people or being vulnerable with people, some people really need quiet and solitude to recover and bond.

The baby will still be there in a week and GPs may well be miffed but if you set firm boundaries with compassion and calm explanation and if they are loving, kind , understanding people they'll understand that you have needs and they'll just go with it. They'll know that happy parents make happy and secure children.

Anyone who is still holding grudges about a week's delay in visiting a boring old sleep and poop machine newborn is a tad silly.

Cintacmrs123 · 17/05/2016 19:19

It doesn't matter who is put out or not. Having a baby is so stressful and difficult (you need your mum not your MIL) my mum politely told my MIL i was resting upstairs with the baby as we were both exhausted. So my MIL went to the toilet and tried to sneak in to wake us my mum was on her like a shot. She had already seen the baby but she did care who it upset me or the baby it was about her.
This happens a lot i have heard some horrific stories from friends so do not feel pressured by other into visits you and baby are the most important people and if you cant cope then don't- say no I am not up to it.

Bogeyface · 17/05/2016 19:33

DS1 26 years ago and I was only kept in more than one night because he had jaundice. DD1 19 years ago, home in 6 hours. My mum had me in 73 and was home after a week, with my sister in 75 she went home the next day.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2016 19:34

I'm with Teatowel.

LetsDoTheYogiBear · 17/05/2016 19:39

Look- its you going through childbirth. You (I imagine) will do the brunt of the work (especially if you are breastfeeding), you will who will have to deal with the hormones/giving birth. If you want your Mum there to help you out- then that is what you want.

Frankly I wouldn't give a shit if my MIL was put out (and if she is a reasonable person I think she will understand) and honestly at the time I think it will be (or it should be) the least of your concerns.

mygorgeousmilo · 17/05/2016 19:46

YANBU and it will stand you in good stead for the future! Being assertive when it comes to YOUR baby, your birth, and your bonding time - is absolutely fair and understandable. If you want just your mum there but not MIL, then she should understand. Giving birth is not the time for worrying about other people's feelings, you can be gentle about it, but be firm and clear.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 17/05/2016 19:50

Kristina you are talking rubbish ,women stayed in hospital for 7-10 days 50 years ago. Twenty years ago we were out the door just as quickly as you are now

25 and 24 years ago I was kept in for 10 days 18 years ago it had dropped to 6 days, that was the norm for my area

Ladybirdbookworm · 17/05/2016 19:56

For what it's worth Teatiowel I think your set up was similar to mine
I can't imagine not having my family around at such an overwhelming time
Maybe I'm a softie but I wanted my DM around and I couldn't have managed without her - my DH had to go straight back to work and I loved all the company
OP you might change your mind so I wouldn't make any rules yet and see how you feel

pearlylum · 17/05/2016 19:57

When i was born 50 years ago my mother was kept in for 2 weeks. that was the norm.
I gave birth 19 years ago and was kept in 4 hours.

ollieplimsoles · 17/05/2016 20:03

I was in for three days while dd's weight was monitored, we had two visiting slots a day and I had my family and friend visits then, they did want to come to the house but I said no, just waned my own space.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/05/2016 20:10

I think in-laws are much easier to handle if they've had half an hour viewing the baby. Even while you're having a rest. But it doesn't sound as if you'll have a easy ride whatever you do.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 17/05/2016 20:19

But don't feel guilty about wanting your mum as and when you need her. Physically, you might feel more vulnerable than you've felt before during adulthood. Your mum is the one who cares more about you than about the baby just at the beginning, and you might need that - for you and for the baby. That what gives her the right to be there ahead of your MIL. Because she - if you get on - is ideally placed to offer the some female support. Not because she's got a better season ticket!

ironingbrew · 17/05/2016 20:35

I loved having visitors following the birth of my children, would never have considered denying my baby's grandparents a chance to visit and cuddle the new baby. Seems pretty rude and controlling to deny them a short visit in the few days after birth. Following my first birth my workmates came to visit while I was in hospital and I had seven people round the bed one afternoon. It was great and I loved showing off my new baby.
Twenty years ago, women did not stay in hospital for 7 - 10 days after the birth unless they had a C section or health problems. The norm was more likely 3 - 5 days if it was a straightforward birth.

pearlylum · 17/05/2016 20:41

Not all mothers are like that though dog.
My mother was so besotted with my babies in the early weeks that all she wanted to do was sit and cuddle them for hours on end, she was even asking me to move chairs, fetch her sandwiches, make tea as she was so busy with baby.
I remember the day after giving birth she wanted me to take out garden chairs and a table with a huge brolly as she wanted to sit in the garden with baby.
I had to point out that I had just given birth, she still laughs about it.
It was easier on my own.