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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
loona13 · 17/05/2016 15:04

I did not hold my DD for first 4 hours of her life, my DH did, and DS, so judging is not always appropriate 😉

dorisdog · 17/05/2016 15:06

Everyone and everyone's families (and their expectations) are different, aren't they?

Personally, I think seeing how you feel, getting your DH to very clearly tell people what, if any, boundaries are in place and then sticking to them and keeping people informed as to how you're feeling is best.

I'm sure they'll be some hurt feelings and maybe even some family disagreements if people don't like your decisions - but if there's one time, you can expect people to go along with your wishes, it's now, i'd say. Good luck.

KaosReigns · 17/05/2016 15:11

Sorry loona was in no way meant to sound judgy of those who can't hold their babies, did intend to sound incredibly judgy of the one woman who said she would go "nuclear" if denied being able to kiss and cuddle her nephew 20 minutes post birth.

spankhurst · 17/05/2016 15:12

I may get flamed but I'm a bit Hmm that so many people don't want their close family to meet a new member for so long. Most GPs would be massively excited about a new GC. As long as the visits are on your terms (short and helpful, if possible!) I think a week is too long and (sorry) a bit mean.

Buttwing · 17/05/2016 15:26

I'm with spankhurst I just don't get why you wouldn't want close family to come. Surely that's what family is for, to help and support you and coo over the latest addition to the family. I totally understand not wanting your sisters best friend mum over but I just think it's a bit unfair to keep grandparents away.

Maybe your dh could lay down some rules- no more than one set of visitors at a time and no one to stay more than an hour. They need to coordinate visits amongst them selves and through dh. Also maybe you could suggest if people want to help (and they will) they could bring a meal for you and dh to have later.

My dsd had her first dc a couple of months ago and I took them over enough m and s ready meals and puddings to last a week so they would have to think about cooking.

Buttwing · 17/05/2016 15:29

Sorry I also meant to add- totally agree with pp, try and avoid having any visitors on day 4/5 (except maybe your mum) as I was very emotional on these days after I had all four of my dcs.

AnneEtAramis · 17/05/2016 15:48

By the time I got to no3 I invited all of DHs family on one day. They all stay for hours and expect hospitality so I just wanted it done and out of the way.

dansmum · 17/05/2016 16:28

Be honest- say you don't know how the birth will go- and how you are going to manage in the first few just getting used to being a mum. I like the idea of THEM hosting YOU at their houses- babies are always better behaved (!) when you go out) you get out of your house for a while, and you can guarantee a good kip in the car or at their houses whilst they snuggle the baby. Other up side...your house ( which will look like a bomb site...trust me on this)- they will not see the chaos...and they do all the cooking and cleaning. You MUST make this plan now tho...so they have time to sort it all out. And make the GParents your first visit, one on each day early days.

Good Luck.

as an aside. In the first few weeks I'd put a note on the front door saying we were both well and weary, could you visit another time as baby is sleeping right now. Kept all but the most persistent away !!

teejayem · 17/05/2016 16:56

We had each set of GPs over for an hour each (seperately) when we got back from hospital. I really wanted them to see DS but there was absolutely no passing round, tbh I'd had such a hideous labour, corking 3D tear and crappy time all round I think I was actually in shock still anyway.
The problems came a couple of days later when they all wanted to come back and started turning up unannounced, and expected 'cuddles'. It was really difficult and I was very tearful as it was. I think this whole forcing themselves on us gave me a bit of a complex because for months I was really really unhappy letting anyone hold DS. It's tricky: relatives are excited, I get that, but you're the one feeling like a smashed crab.

AgentPineapple · 17/05/2016 17:02

My mum and dad showed up about an hour after I came home, with dinner, mum took the baby and told me to go have a cup of tea, my dad made dinner and I've never been so glad to see them. My MIL although invited, didn't come til a week later, stayed 15 mins and left, her choice.. Although that's just what she's like, we moved two years ago and she still hasn't come to the new house despite many invitations

Zoomtothespoon · 17/05/2016 17:10

Do it and stick to your guns! I had a home birth last year and baby was born at 9:30am.... By 7pm I was running around making cups of tea for 5 guests... None of whom offered me a seat! Shock

PrimalLass · 17/05/2016 17:21

OP I don't know why you bothered asking, as you are getting more and more irate that people don't agree with ou.

LagunaBubbles · 17/05/2016 17:27

By 7pm I was running around making cups of tea for 5 guests

Why on earth did you do that? Confused

teatowel · 17/05/2016 17:41

In the old days- well twenty years ago, mothers wanted to show of their new babies. I can't remember anyone I knew and I know a lot of people! going into this self absorbed, nobody must visit me nonsense. Of course make rules but to deprive grandparents of even a short visit is actually quite cruel. I will be desperate to see my daughters when they have babies, yes I will want to see my grandchild but much more than that I will want to see that my precious child is well and coping. I will also want to see my sons and check that they are ok and being as helpful to their wives as they can! We have the sort of family where I know this will be the case and I know all families are different, however perhaps some of the people who come on here and complain that there parents are uninterested in their children might like to look at their own behaviour as well.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/05/2016 17:42

! I don't want massive groups of people for hours on end and passing my baby around like a pass the parcel! (Momma bear syndrome) grin

Is everything a syndrome nowadays Hmm

dowhatnow · 17/05/2016 17:48

I think it's a shame really although I do understand your reasoning.

My mum and Mil would have been so disappointed to have to wait a whole week or more

Can't you compromise and see just the grandparents for an hour or so. DH can be on duty as time keeper to make sure they don't outstay their welcome and he can make the teas etc. Or you could stay upstairs and Dh could take the baby downstairs to meet them for a few minutes.

Kr1stina · 17/05/2016 17:52

Don't be silly tea towel. 20 years ago, women stayed in hospital for 7-10 days after birth . Babies were taken away at night to the nursery so the mother could get a full nights sleep . Meals were provided three times a day at the bedside . Visiting times were an hour in the afternoon twice a week and one hour at night .

New mothers were well rested and cared for .

So " visiting in hospital " was rather different than arriving at the new mothers home a few hours aftre she's given birth and expecting to be entertained. Which, as you can see from the thread, is often what happens now.

I have to say you sound like a nutter a little odd - your language is very emotive, extreme and judgemental

Show off

Self absorbed , nonsense

Deprive grandparents, cruel

Desperate, precious child

Complain , uninterested , look at their own behaviour

My sons will be helpful but I know all families are different

TBH you sound like the mother / MIl from hell. And that's just from reading one post from you ! ( yes I know I'm judging you )

FreshHorizons · 17/05/2016 17:55

I always think it sad when people want to police the visitors.

shovetheholly · 17/05/2016 17:57

Kristina - No-one can use the phrase 'don't be silly' and make it sound as wonderfully business-like and full of vim as you!! Grin

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/05/2016 17:57

Teatowel, we have that kind of family also. Thankfully.

I've been at the birth of all of my grandchildren. It's what my daughters and daughters in law all wanted. It's just the way we are. But had my daughters in law mums lived in the same country with us I'd have fully expected them to be with their girls alongside my sons if that's what they wanted.

I have a new grandchild due next week and my sons MIL is able to come for the birth and I'm so happy for her that she's going to be here for this huge part of our family life. I'm more than happy to take a step back on the day and I can't wait to see her holding her second grandchild and looking after her daughter and grandchild.

Then there's the rest of the family. It will be an open house but people are savvy enough to know how to behave under the circumstances and the role of me, mammia, and my daughters will be to make sure that mum and baby are b all and end all of everything.

It's not rocket science.

ollieplimsoles · 17/05/2016 17:57

Don't cave in op, don't be one of the many posters in here who had a miserable time with visitors then regret it later.

I hated watching my baby being passed around in my home while my dh made endless cups of tea. She was getting more and more upset and just wanted her mum and everyone thought they could calm her down.

I just sat there in tears, someone finally said 'are you alright Ollie?' and I told everyone to get out.

My house was full of crap constantly, dirty cups and plates, huge balloons and other bits of tat, and stuff that people would just turn up with and say 'oh so and so doesn't need this anymore so you can have it' moses baskets, highchairs, filthy play mats were all dumped on me. I hated it, I just wanted my house, with my things around me.

I'm warning you now because you sound very like me

Zoomtothespoon · 17/05/2016 17:58

laguna

I assumed my partner would offer everyone drinks but he didn't, so I felt rude not asking and when they said yes I assumed they'd offer to make them theirselves or my partner would

I did have some serious words after

Kr1stina · 17/05/2016 17:58

LOL @ holly

notonyurjellybellynelly · 17/05/2016 18:00

Kristina I had my first child in 1978 and stayed in hospital for ax week which was the norm. Visiting hours were from 3pm to about 7pm.

21 months later I had my next child and something called Domino care was now in place. I was home 8 hours after giving birth.

I think you might be a bit confused.

teatowel · 17/05/2016 18:02

Kristina you are talking rubbish ,women stayed in hospital for 7-10 days 50 years ago. Twenty years ago we were out the door just as quickly as you are now.