AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

There's no "right answer" that would suit everyone and can be logically calculated beforehand. So it's up to the mother and how she feels should be respected.

How ready for visitors someone is can depend on whether it was an easy birth and they skip home from hospital after a few hours, or whether there are complications and they're there for days (or longer) with unexpected difficulties to deal with.

YANBU

Gently (but firmly) explain to people that you would like some time with your OH and your baby. You will be learning to be a family and getting to know each other in your new roles and would like the space to do that.

More importantly than this baby being the first grandchild, it will be your first child. It's a massive thing that you must feel able to explore at your own pace. It has to feel right for you and if you want your mum, then that's fine too. Of course it's huge for OH too but you're the one who will have delivered this little being from your body, I think it needs to be led by you.

If you explain it kindly to m-i-l (and everyone else), they will understand.

Good luck!

Sorry, just read update from OP and I promise this is my last word.

OP you/DH just phone round to announce the birth and say that everyone is feeling a bit (tired/bruised/overwrought etc) and you'll organise proper visits as soon as possible. And to the grandparents you add, "but if you'd like to pop in for 10/20 minutes to say hello and for a quick peek at the baby you'd be most welcome."

YANBU.

When I gave birth to my son, my pfb, I was home for 20 minutes before the first of 5 visitors arrived. I felt very uncomfortable in my own home and I feel that I was being denied precious bonding time with my child, as he was being passed around everyone there.

As usual with an in-law thread on here... People who have great relationships with their mil and fil telling the op she's unreasonable, and weighing in with how much their visitors did for them.

Not everybody has that kind of family dynamic!

Some of us don't want the first days with our baby (and precious days with baby's dad off work) entertaining entitled gps!

"As usual with an in-law thread on here... People who have great relationships with their mil and fil telling the op she's unreasonable, and weighing in with how much their visitors did for them."

FWIW, my PIL are both absolutely lovely people, as is DH's whole family, but I'm quite a private, shy (about some things) and introverted person and the idea of entertaining everyone when I'm not sure about how to look after my newborn child, while getting lots of attention and advice, just sounds awful to me. It's absolutely not about them, it's about how I will cope in the situation.

I totally agree with HouseOfBiscuits post at 12:43, it's just different for everyone.

I know for me having 6 people visiting at the same time the day after DS was born was too much! When DD was born we spaced out the visits to one person a day and it was much nicer!

And Ollieplimsoles is quite right, she shouldn't have to put up with anyone, family members or otherwise, who are demanding too much or making her feel uncomfortable.

FWIW, my PIL are both absolutely lovely people, as is DH's whole family, but I'm quite a private, shy (about some things) and introverted person and the idea of entertaining everyone when I'm not sure about how to look after my newborn child, while getting lots of attention and advice, just sounds awful to me. It's absolutely not about them, it's about how I will cope in the situation
I think you've summed me up pretty well here!

YANBU and do not let yourself to be bullied into anything you don't want. Honestly there are so many stories here on MN where people are still bitter about having their first hours or days with their new baby ruined by pushy relatives, because they felt it was not fair or nice to tell them to wait.

It might be the first grandchild/nephew/step-niece/whatever, but it's your first child!

Oh and yes, it's totally possible that you will actually feel up to visitors straight away. Before DC1, I also told the relatives that we will let them know and might want some privacy - but after he was born, I actually told everybody to come to hospital to see us. But again, this should totally be up to you.

Wish we had asked everyone to wait a week until we had settled in. Our DD had reflux and those first few weeks were terribly tough for DH and myself. The constant stream of visitors did nothing to help this. If I were to do it over again we would have politely asked everyone to give us just 1 week of precious time for just the 3 of us, whilst we got used to everythin. YANBU at all! Very best of luck with the birth. Xxxx

*everything

OP I haven't read the full thread but I think that at about this point in pregnancy your protective instinct kicks in and you start to become alarmed at the thought of other people where your baby is concerned. I've discussed this with a few friends and they all felt the same.

This exact thing went through my head. I wanted control over the whole thing and wanted to push everyone away as I thought it was best for my baby. I thought we'd need it.

Once DS was here actually I quite liked the visits. Although not the ones that were still there at 11pm.......

I have had two, and before my first LO arrived I felt exactly the same. Thing is... try not to worry, it isn't up to you to look like you have it all in control or to look good, be organised or have a clean house, people just want to see baby so let them. If you feel you need to, I would tell them you will be tired and busy but they can have an hour each (hard to plan a good time though). With my second LO our whole street came to visit on day 4 (which us the hardest day of all what with tiredness getting the better off you, milk coming in, washing starting to get on top of you and the buzz of the new baby is starting to wear off) at the same time (meaning 6 kids in the house as well!) overloading us with gifts and cards and cakes. All well meant and lovely. I sat downstairs for 10 min showing off baby, then apologised said I felt so tired, couldnt handle all the attention and questions and wanted to feed baby. Left DH to look after guests and disappeared upstairs. My advise go with the flow. Be selfish, let everyone come if they feel the have to but think only of you and baby. TBH I bet the MIL and mum mainly want to 'be there' for you anyway... why not delegate some ironing or food prep to them while you cuddle up in bed with baby for an hour? Being a new mum is the best excuse/reason for being selfish for a few weeks!!!

I don't mean to sound snarky here, but if you would approach DC2's birth differently from DC1's, it might be worth exploring why

Why? Because DC1 is the first, they have never done this before and might be feeling a little overwhelmed. Of course the first birth is different, it's physically different, it's emotionally different, and there are a whole different set of practical issues to think about (such as the child care you mentioned).

ilive seriously? I just can't believe that the parents were as okay with your behaviour as you seem to think. The first hour or so of skin to skin contact with the mother are so important. They help establish breastfeeding, release calming hormones for both baby and mother, regulate baby's body temperature, play a part in the bonding process and aid in the 3rd stage birthing of the placenta. Taking a 20 minute old bub from their mum to kiss and cuddle is so selfish (and detrimental to the babies health), even doctors won't take the child away unless absolutely necessary.

LouBlue YANBU do whatever you feel comfortable with and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for it. DC1 is due in 4 weeks, and the thought of dealing with visitors has caused me the same concerns. Even DP tried to lay the guilt trip when I said I wanted a week as just us. Part of my birth plan now includes when and how the announcement is made to family, and the inclusion of set hours in which they may visit while we are in the hospital. Once we get home we are in lock down for a week. DP knows that managing this is his job, as it falls under the preventing any and all stress to me, a role that he started 8 months ago and will not be released from until 2 weeks post birth minimum.

Thankfully both sets of grandparents live out of the country so dealing with them immediately after the birth isn't a huge issue. With my first, my parents happened to be visiting at the time. They were due to visit the rest of the family in the day I went into labour but they cancelled and set up a few more days in their hotel here. Even so I don't think they stayed around very much other than to take me to and from hospital. Thankfully they aren't all that overwhelming. They haven't met the second child yet and he's now four and a half months. They've said they might come over later this year.

The MIL though, I would absolutely have set limits on her coming over if she has been in the country. She got to see the babies at 3 months and 1 month respectively but I wouldn't have wanted her to come round in the first couple of weeks. I love the woman and she means well but she is absolutely overwhelming and demanding especially when it comes to babies.

So stand your ground. People are entirely capable of waiting to see the baby even if they're complaining about wanting to see it. Giving birth is a big and overwhelming thing so feel it out and if they absolutely must come and see the baby limit the time they are there if you can't cope with them.

OP - my last post I promise too!

I do think that if anyone is funny with you, it really isn't fair of them and they should just back off. It's a vulnerable time, and if you feel fantastic and want to change your mind and invite them all that is great, but never feel guilty in the first couple of weeks.

I had a hard time the second time around too, I had a step family and step children and basically bent over backwards to accommodate them all, got all the kids and MIL to visit me in hospital first, which was lovely.

The exception was my oldest DSD who couldn't come when everyone else did, and said she could only come if her mum came too as she could drive her... Er... No!!! I said no but I was really upset by having been put in such an awkward position. My son was just being put into special care (unknown to them) at the time and DP had obviously had an earful about me from eldest DSD about 'being awkward', and was trying to convince me it would be fine.

If there is ever a time to have 'clear space' it is those first few weeks. And unless you are putting members of the family who don't deserve it e.g. A kind MIL in the background deliberately and unkindly, e.g. Don't let your Mum put loads of photos up with you all if your MIL is going to feel hurt, let her have an hour, but other than that, stand your ground!

P.s. Eldest DSD was 24 at the time.

For me, it was my DM that was much more problematic than the PILs with DC1. She expected to be waited on, didn't offer to help, did a proper if asked to do anything and made sarcastic comments, whereas the PILs popped in briefly with lunch to meet DC1 and then left having done all the washing up. DM complained that I walked too fast around a stately home's garden and didn't let her and DF enjoy it when I was needing to feed DC1. So it really isn't always a parents v PILs thing!

I would have been absolutely furious with someone like ilike snatching my baby away 20 minutes after delivery. I'm not sure I even had delivered the placenta at 20 minutes each time. I certainly wouldn't have been dressed or clean!

YANBU at all. People can be very selfish when it comes to meeting newborns. Of course a week isn't too long to wait. No grandparents saw my dd until she was over a week old and, being nice people, the GPs were completely fine with that.

You can always blame the doctors l/midwives advice 'theres an outbreak of... So we're not going to be able to have visitors until...to keep... Safe. Bullshit is your friend :)

Of course you aren't! When you announce birth just say mum is very tired and wants to have some time before any visitors. Usually people aren't pushy and understand you have a lot going on, I would let PIL visit especially if you are intending to have your own parents there, but at the end of the day you have to make the right choice for you and baby

Ps it's literally impossible to know how you will feel when baby is here now, so don't put loads in place...they literally change everything :)