AIBU to say NO visitors?

[LouBlue1507]

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

Just see how you feel when LO is born. Don't give yourself stress over it now. A lot of how you'll feel will depend on how the birth goes. To be honest I couldn't wait to show off my little bundles of joy and my births were all pretty intense.

Just see how you feel and don't put anyone's back up when you might not need to. Hope it all goes well X

Have just been through this. My DM and DMIL were there as soon as baby was born to see him, they were with me in recovery because it was a long labour/emergency situation. Since then they have been coming for about an hour every day, but my DM will wash up/hang the washing out without even being asked. SIL's are visiting almost every day, just 'popping over' ie coming round expecting tea and biscuits. I sometimes pretend to be out or asleep. At the start we put a lot of people off with "Come over but Tywin is feeding on demand so will have her tits constantly out. If you are comfortable with that, fine " We got rid of a few with that! You could also take them up on the arbitrary "Anything I can do?" offer that people come out with and never expect a real answer to. Have a nice long list

I would say no to visitors at home, but see no reason to deny grandparents whilst you are in hospital. In fact, that is the ideal time for them to come! You don't have to play host, make them a cup of tea, have the house neat and tidy, etc. They come, for one hour max, and get kicked out by the nursing staff, whilst you lie in bed and accept gifts of chocolate (hopefully!). It is very boring in hospital anyway. I was always nagging dh to come and spend more time with me while he, poor thing, was running around desperately trying to do things to keep the home ticking over (perhaps this is more relevant with subsequent children). When I had my first, my mum and dad came for an hour the day he was born, and my mil and loathed sil came for an hour the next day. It worked well.

The visit I regret was having my sister and brother (however well meaning and nice it was of them to visit) come to my house the first day I was home. That was too much.

I later became panicked at not being able to stop the baby crying and my dh had to ring my parents who then had to travel 2 hours at night to come and rescue me.

So, all in all, I would say get the immediate family to visit when you are in hospital, and when you come home, then tell everyone you want some time to yourself to bond with the baby.

Essentially you need to do what is best for you, I'd just say though to be very careful that you are not pushing away the people that are/will be the most important to you child as he or she grows up. Grandparents won't be there forever, they might bug you at times but the bond they have with their grandchild is important. Don't take them for granted xxxx

It's your child your call. But one of my favourite pictures I have is of my dad holding his 1st granddaughter just hours old in the hospital.
Since your likely to be staying in hospital for a day or two GPs could perhaps visit you while in hospital for a max of 30mins each. Then when at home say no further visitors for a week.
Also don't be afraid to set rules for visitors, eg they cannot pick up a sleeping baby, no staying longer than an hour, if they want a tea or coffee they get it themselves and make you one too. Guest bringing food get extra brownie points.

I visited my granddaughter the day she was born.

She was about three weeks old when I saw her next, mum wanted time to bond without input from grandparents and I fully supported her decision.

I must admit Bobo

That is my absolute favourite photo in the world. My wonderful father holding our tiny bundle on his shoulder at a day old. It's the first photo which stands on the sideboard in the hall as you walk in my house. It's so, so precious to me.

They were my ONLY visitors though and only stayed an hour.

I don't think thats unreasonable at all. Tell close family that you will send the some pic's and like you say, will let them know if you're up to visitors. No one can argue with that and if they do tough shit!

This post makes me feel a bit sad. A baby being born is a massive celebration of life. I couldn't wait to show off my two to EVERYONE! My visitors brought food, made tea, did the dishes, listened to my tales of labour.......
We got told off in hospital by the nurses for my first.....12 people showed up, champagne and all lol.......
When we got home I got short, helpful visits from family and friends. It would have been quite lonely not have had them all to share my little bundles with. They are only that wee for such a short time. For the first few days (as far as I can remember) baby sleeps loads, so you'd have more time to have folk there to make you cuppas and marvel at how amazing your baby is.

InSpace and Elizabeth, it sounds like you were people who in the 17th century would have been back out finishing the harvest five minutes after the placenta delivered and for that I applaud you.

Some of us don't feel like that. No need to expand on that for a first-timer but for the first week I didn't want anyone near me that wasn't married to me, or related to me by blood. It wasn't about nesting and cosily bonding with my child. It was about the fact that I couldn't keep it together and didn't want to have to try and do it for five hours at a stretch in front of my slightly awkward BIL who had delivered my MIL to the house and as he had to drive her home, and she wasn't getting the hint, couldn't go anywhere.

Everyone's experience is different and to rubbish it as being ridiculous is very unfair.

Do what we did, send everyone a message saying that you're feeling a little overwhelmed with the coming birth, and that you'd love for everyone to visit baby, but that you would let them know when and what a good time is for you and baby.

They will understand. Also tell them that if you need help, you'll let them know, as my mother was a great help in those first days and without her I wouldn't have had time for a shower let alone a nap.

And relax, this is your baby and you set the rules.

We're all here for you too!

I would also add that sometimes doing what's right for everyone else can have the opposite effect. I had my twins at the new year, as planned MIL arrived 2 weeks later for a 10 day stay (which I was dreading if I'm honest, but did it because DH was so excited about showing off his new family). The 10 days dragged, she was a pain with food likes and dislikes, while she tried to help with somethings this just irritated me because I like things done my way and cleaning is what I do when I'm stressed (everyone says you should accept this help when you give birth, I say only accept it if it makes you feel better). She watched me constantly holding the babies, told me I was selfish when I tried to hold both at the same time, I felt like I had to let her have a turn feeding a couple times a day (bottle fed), and generally threw in a few blase comments about me being over protective etc. The kicker is that I didn't react, I played the host and got to the end of the 10 days - a month later I started getting messages about how unwelcome she felt, how we'd prioritised my family, how we hadn't taken pictures of her with the babies.

This is just my experience and my hopefully 'one of a kind' MIL, who I have now had to block. But its worth giving some thought to what you think their expectations of the time are going to be, and does that work for you. Some people want some Mary Poppins character to pitch up and show them the way, others just want privacy and time to bond. Good luck!

Wow. Are most people so emotionally immature that they are unable to cope with the perfectly reasonable request to wait to see the new baby!

How horribly disrespectful to be clamouring and demanding to see the newborn with no regard to how the mother may feel about it. Family dynamics are obviously all different, but the OP has repeatedly said how anxious the thought of visitors makes her. But apparently that matters not a jot as its 'cruel' to do what she feels she needs to do for her own mental health and her baby.

OP, I am glad to see that your DH is supportive of your wishes and you are going to stand your ground and do what YOU feel is right for YOU. Two weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things and people will just have to have the good grace to honour your wishes.

What Cath40t says....
Folk visited me and it was great - tidying, washing up, making tea etc. and generally making s fuss of me; loved every minute.
And, as a p.p. said - if you have a son of your own, how will you feel years down the line if / when he too has babies ?

Yanbu- I am also having this dilemma, our first is due this year. Due to house move falling through we are going to be at my mums. Both our parents are divorced. I have basically set up a phone tree for dp and at the bottom wrote no hospital visits and call to arrange when we get out, don't be surprised if we say no or ask you to leave. I think it was a bit blunt - dp family don't seem to have actual conversations but I actually don't care, it's going to be tough staying with my mum I don't need to be pressured into seeing relatives who haven't bothered to visit in 5 years but will want to because we have a baby. My advice to you is do what you want and don't be afraid of upsetting anyone it's about what you need and what's best for you will be best for little one.

Not every family is the same- how is this hard to understand? One mother may be hugely supportive, another may be devastastingly abusive. One set of in laws might be sweetness and light, another might be poison in human form.

I'm really, really glad that some of you had a lovely family time around the newborn's crib... but not every family is like that. If someone is going to start bullying, yelling at, abusing, undermining, or physically assaulting a very new mother (or even having a fight in the room), then it might be better if they weren't present just after the birth.

Also, not everyone deals with social situations and physical debility in the same way. Some people would be fine for their in laws to see them in labour, others just don't have that relationship, or are more private.

There are no rules!

Everyone is different and everyone reacts differently, I'm generally sociable and like my house busy and full of people, my sister is the opposite.

After I had DD I broke down because I couldn't cope with the people that just dropped round. I wanted my mum there and no one else. MIL kept offering help but doesn't do what I want her to do, just the jobs she wants to do, and DH would do anyway, the jobs he is rubbish at or doesn't see she "would come back to do" and I was so exhausted and hormonal I was a mess. And actually looking back think I was totally out of order (and a bit unhinged)

My sister was organised, and invited everyone round pretty much immediately.

Different strokes for different folks, see how you feel afterwards is my advice. You don't know until your little one is here.

If someone is going to start bullying, yelling at, abusing, undermining, or physically assaulting a very new mother (or even having a fight in the room), then it might be better if they weren't present just after the birth.

The OP hasn't suggested that any of this would happen. If she had then I would obviously say they shouldn't be there (or involved in the baby's life). What the OP has said is that she isn't particularly close to the in-laws - this is nowhere near them being abusive and no reason to keep them away from their grandchild for at least a week.

I had a post all typed out to respond to Billy but basically, it's the same as Shovetheholly's so.....what she said.

I clearly live in a parallel universe.

i dread they thought of being a mil.

I hope my DS chooses wisely.

It's not necessarily a week, it was just an idea of what to say to people so that they are not expecting to come right away or just stop by. If I feel ok after a day or two then I'll happily start inviting people. I think at the end of the day I just want everyone to respect our wishes, not just stop by unannounced or the very sly 'we're just in the area can we stop by' strategy! I don't want massive groups of people for hours on end and passing my baby around like a pass the parcel! (Momma bear syndrome)

A lot of this is coming down to personality types. For me the ideal time, life and day is when I see no one at all. Not surprisingly time alone with the baby with no one else around at all was absolutely wonderful. I went back to full time work very quickly too and I didn't want time off spent talking to relatives.

Other people who are the life and soul of the party cannot understand some of us might want to be alone with no visitors.

Each mother should have the right to decide.

I think I'm more worried about this kind of situation than the actual birth! My DH's cousin had her wee one a couple of weeks ago and we popped into the hospital to say hello later the same day, having called in advance to check it was okay. Then my PIL (their auntie and uncle) showed up and the room was really crowded and MIL hovered over cousin while she was breastfeeding. I am so worried she's going to do the same thing with me, and I think having MIL 50 cm away staring at baby/boobies would be extremely awkward! And the thought of coming home and millions of people showing up and passing her round like a toy - gah, it's just horrible. I'm getting all wound up just thinking about it. So no, I don't think YABU at all.

By the time my eldest was 18 months and younger 5 months old they'd lost all their grandparents bar one. Those first days and new-born photos taken with grandparents are precious and I would never have wanted to take those away from anybody, I'm apparently the selfish one on the thread though for clearly expecting new parents to consider that sometimes it isn't all about them. I enjoyed the first few hours with baby and DH so I do get where you are coming from. After my second section DH went out to collect the new big brother and my mum who was looking after him and recently widowed to come and see the baby about 3 hours after he was born, I was delighted to see them and would have been the same if my also recently widowed MIL had been closer and able to come straight away too. Anyway that's my final tuppence worth.