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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say NO visitors?

726 replies

LouBlue1507 · 16/05/2016 20:13

Hi all, Just been having a discussion with OH about when baby is born (8 weeks hopefully), we're trying to decide what would be best when LO arrives!

I'm not keen on visitors as it is so the thought of having visitors after giving birth is making me anxious. Would IBU to tell people not to visit for at least a week and if I feel up for it sooner, we will let them know?

This will be the first grandad child on both sides and as you can imagine everyone is VERY excited! The thing is OH has a lot of family as his parents are separated with new partners, step brothers etc. The thought of so many people coming and going overwhelms me, especially seeing as I don't know how the birth will go and how I'll feel after! (It's going to go nice and smooth, if I keep telling myself this it will haha!)

My OH is very supportive and says its up to me and how I feel, but I know people are going to be impatient and pushy!

The other thing worrying me is if we do say no visitors, what if I want my Mum here to help? This might put out MIL?

Thanks for bearing with me! So AIBU? Would telling people not to come right away be unreasonable?

OP posts:
wornoutboots · 17/05/2016 11:04

ok, I'll bite.
OP, if you don't want visitors, tell them in advance.
be prepared for emotional blackmail about it though.

With my 3rd caesarian we'd said "no visitors until after my kids have met the baby"
and the kids weren't coming to the hospital because they were only 4 and 2. MIL insisted that she would look after them (hindsight I'd have left them with my friend instead)

MIL decided to tackle me about it saying that she felt I should allow my SIL to come to the hospital anyway. I said that I'd promised the 4 year old that he and his brother would be the first to get to meet her outside of me and his stepfather.

"oh well he'll never know!"
"no, because she's not coming."
"well, it'd be nice for (my husband) to have her there, he'll need some support because it's a big deal for him!"

really? REALLY? a big deal for HIM? he was allowed to be there as a support for me, the person who was going in to be sliced open and in serious pain afterwards. Because major surgery is no big deal to me, of course. 13 months since the baby was born and that STILL rankles!

Stupid woman. SIL was much more understanding and said she wished she'd done similar when she had her son.

When we came home on day 3, husband settled me on the sofa, made sure I could manage with the baby (breast fed and cuddled up to me anyway), left me with drinks and snacks in reach and went to fetch our boys. His parents bitched that he hadn't taken the baby from me for a visit "I know wornoutboots is in too much pain to come, but you should have brought the baby for a couple of hours!" (and the woman breastfed him when he was small so should KNOW that newborns are pretty much on the boob hourly, never mind what it'd have done to me emotionally at that point)

So set your ground out NOW. Tell them, be firm, and say that you'll make grandparents the first calls when you ARE feeling ready for visitors "for an hour"
(hinting that the first to promise to bring dinner too will be the first invited might prompt some food out of them too)

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 11:20

I think a lot of people have missed my point about my mum and MIL... My mum (only) will come to help IF we need any, MIL will just have to understand that. Like others have said her main concern will be the baby but my mum would be there for ME x

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 11:22

People have such different experiences. How can you possibly plan?

Regarding cups if tea, food etc, I think that's the dads responsibility.

I agree it may cause issues if you include your mum but not your mil.
One of my babies was not expected to survive. I got everyone in the family to see her asap as I wanted her to be recognised as one of our family, to gave her an equal place as everyone else. Fortunately she did make it, but I was glad she was welcomed by the whole family at that time.

ElizabethG81 · 17/05/2016 11:31

It's not just about you though. As others have said, a new baby is a huge thing for the whole family, and should be a really joyous event. I do think you're being very precious.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 17/05/2016 11:34

I can never understand why this is such a big deal-- you've had a baby, not brain surgery. Just let the grandparents come when they want ffs! You'll manage. All this ' need time alone to bond with baby' is just nauseating crap. A few hours out of the first week won't affect 'bonding'. Keeping people away because you are such a special snowflake will leave the grandparents very very hurt. If you don't care about that then go right ahead.

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 17/05/2016 11:36

Elizabeth surely it is more about mum and baby bonding though and enjoying their new experience?

I find that a new baby brings out the selfish side in a lot of people and they think it is their right to see them straight away. What about the recovery for new mothers?

Headofthehive55 · 17/05/2016 11:38

You may find that being inclusive with your mil will reap rewards long afterwards.

It's about sharing. Helping each other. My mil will bend over backwards to help me, but then, I've always included her, loved her and made her part of my family.

It's your chance in a way to be giving.

She may surprise you. My mil kept thanking me for her grand baby. As if DH had nothing to do with it!

wannabehippyandcrazycatlover · 17/05/2016 11:38

InSpace I had a c-section and felt really ill and all the visitors made me feel so awful. I would never have stopped GPs seeing the baby but people just didn't get the quick visit and stayed for hours.

mrsrhodgilbert · 17/05/2016 11:39

I haven't missed your point op, I absolutely understand and you've just reconfirmed my thoughts. So the fact that your mil, your partners mum, might be a little bit more interested in her new grandchild than you means you're going to deny her the chance to see it until you see fit. I don't know if you're very frightened or anxious, it could all go very smoothly, but you are going to upset people and yes it does matter. I had a very long, difficult first birth with intervention but I was thrilled to see all gps around the hospital bed later that day, because it wasn't just about me.

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 11:42

Either way people are going to be put out if they don't get to visit, if they're only visiting for a quick half hour (yeah right) or if so and so sees baby first. I'm not going to worry about it anymore, as long my OH and baby are happy, then I'll be happy!

OP posts:
ElizabethG81 · 17/05/2016 11:42

You can still bond with your baby while other people are in the room. You can also still recover from the birth. It's not as if time is suspended while visitors are there.

I find this idea of needing to lock yourself away with your baby very bizarre and, like many others, something I've only ever heard about on MN.

diskokitten · 17/05/2016 11:43

With my first I was very overwhelmed by visitors too, when I had my 2nd I remembered seeing this list of visiting rules written by midwifes in America and told my OH about it. He agreed to enforce them (lol) & visits were sooo much more relaxed!

AIBU to say NO visitors?
shovetheholly · 17/05/2016 11:44

Look, this TOTALLY depends on the family! It really is so utterly personal to the relationships and the dynamics at work in each set of relationships that there can be no hard and fast rule. If one set of GPs are angels from heaven and another set are devils from hell, it's stupid to think that's not going to make a difference in these circumstances!

Do whatever makes you feel comfortable. You know your family and where your comfort zone is. People who love you will understand.

Unknownname · 17/05/2016 11:44

Nope didn't miss you point. It sounds even more out of spite no you have posted again TBH.

capercaillie · 17/05/2016 11:44

It's unfair to keep grandparents away entirely. But make it clear that you will not be waiting on them hand and foot. I found that staying in bed works. It wasn't that I had easy births - far from it!

It was also so lovely to see my aunt, brother and my DH sister. This is a new member of the family that they are welcoming. They also made themselves useful - made their own tea and meal, and did some gardening in my aunts case. I have very happy memories of those 2 weeks straight after the birth. We also had lots of friends visit about a week later - also fine.

Unknownname · 17/05/2016 11:45

Now not no

yummycake123 · 17/05/2016 11:45

YANBU. We didn't have any visitors until about a week after DS was born. My family live abroad and DH's family don't live in London, soI guess it was easier for us. It was nice though :) You decide who can visit and when, people will understand. And if they don't, tough!

Original poster
LouBlue1507 · 17/05/2016 11:45

mrsrhodgilbert No you have missed the point, the only reason why I would want anyone here is to help me if I'm struggling.
I'm not comfortable peeing myself, being bloody, sweaty and stinky and needing help to do simple things in front of people. The only people who I would be ok with seeing that is OH and my mum.
So no it's not because MIL favours baby but because I'm not comfortable around MIL to see me in such a state or to ask her for help to do certain things if needed!

OP posts:
Unknownname · 17/05/2016 11:46

My mum was with me but MIL was first person along with my dad to the hospital. DH also needed his mum around. Fantastic memories, especially as MIL is no longer with us. She was a huge support for us both.

Ghodavies · 17/05/2016 11:49

I'd let them visit in hospital cos u will probably be on a high and unable to sleep (plus visiting is only an hour and the nurses throw them out).
It's much harder to get them out at home

Clareoo223 · 17/05/2016 11:49

I made everyone wait a week, great decision. I was very ill after both births and it really helped.
When they did visit, they came on mass and stayed several hours, then thought they pop round daily....I soon put a stop to that.

As for the poster who would have gone nuclear if she wasn't allowed to visit 20mins after her nephew was born... Selfish! I almost died having one of mine and you think your seeing my baby is more important, fuck off. ( my hospital notes said no visitors, you wouldn't have got in)

ElizabethG81 · 17/05/2016 11:52

the only reason why I would want anyone here is to help me if I'm struggling

I think you do need to put yourself in other people's shoes and think how they will feel if they can't see the baby for a week. You're about to welcome another human being into the world, it's not all about you anymore.

KatieCelf · 17/05/2016 11:53

Totally not being unreasonable!!!!! It's your time to bond with your little one! You shouldn't have to worry about nonsense like that. No, tell them not to come, if they're offended, that's their problem. Enjoy your new baby!!

That is exactly what I did, visitors stress me out at the best of times so I told people not to visit. It was fine!

lissa90 · 17/05/2016 11:53

I have a huge family and arranging visits became problematic with family! My dad arrived at the hospital with his wife just two hours after I gave birth, I was still hooked up to wires everywhere and hadn't showered!
My OH parents and his brother then came the following day to the hospital and instead of a quick visit they stayed for hours! I wasn't sure to tell them to bugger off so that I could get out of the bed to go to the loo without exposing any potential leakages and the longer they stayed the more likely that was going to happen - I want to scream, then cry and OH didn't realise that he ought to tell them to get off as he was so excited about it all!
My mother then came the following day + my 2 brothers, then the influx of aunties, my sets of grandparents and friends. It was a revolving door for a least two weeks before it calmed down.
Next time - if theres a next time - I would be more upfront about visitors!

Readyforthefuture · 17/05/2016 11:54

I wouldn't assume you know at the moment what you are going to feel up to doing post birth, so keep it flexible and appeal to the females in your immediate family to remember how they felt after birth.

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