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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ExH to stay for the Weekend IN MY HOUSE!!!

75 replies

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 19:44

So until recently I have driven 200m round trip to drop off DC's to My ExH so that they can see him because he doesn't drive. He paid petrol money. I now can't make the trip due to surgery. I have advised ExH of this with plenty of notice. He has now asked if he can sleep on DC's floor on his weekends. I have asked him to get the train and he says that IBU. Our divorce was over 10 years ago but it wasn't the friendliest. Oldest DC's not fussed about seeing him as he lets the youngest get away with murder and tells the others off for upsetting him, making them miserable all weekend. So AIBU to ask him to get the train?

OP posts:

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 19:53

YANBU Sleeping on DCs floor is innapropriate, its confusing for your children. Could he not stay in a B&B or AirBNB? Can you put money towards the train fare? I think that usually ex partners are supposed to share the cost of taking the kids to see each other if they live a long distance apart.

OurBlanche · 16/05/2016 19:54

You wouldn't BU to him if you demanded that every time...

As it is just tell him to back off he is not welcome to crash in your home, he is BVVU to ask and then to persist. Tell him to rent a room, deal with it like a grown up!

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 19:55

Or can your DCs not get the train to his by themselves? If its a direct journey and he met them at the station that should be fine surely? x

DuckAndPancakes · 16/05/2016 19:56

No no no no.

Your home is not the place for your ex husband to be sleeping.

What about letting him have DCs for extended period over the half term (getting trains there and back?) Does he not have anybody else that can help him out with this?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/05/2016 19:57

I am confused. What part of him getting the train could be unreasonable?

TheWiseOldFairy · 16/05/2016 20:01

The fact that you go out of your way (quite literally) to facilitate contact between your ex and your DCs does you credit OP. I personally wouldn't agree to driving 200 miles every contact weekend. More to the point, no judge would order you to do so either. Usual arrangements are to either meet halfway or to each do the full journey every other time.

He has been extraordinarily lucky that you have been prepared to do this. Now that you are no longer able to, YA absolutely NBU to suggest he gets public transport. Or he could shell out for a Travelodge. Whatever you do, don't agree to him kipping on your floor. Let him sort himself out for once.

ImperialBlether · 16/05/2016 20:01

I don't understand what you mean about him getting the train. Do you mean he should get a day return?

Original poster

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 20:09

Thanks for the replies. The DC's are 11 (twins) and 10, so not old enough for the train. I have always bailed him out, and he tells me how he misses the DC's, how much he loves them so I always made the effort for him. He got the home I was paying the mortgage for repossessed because he took out a 2nd mortgage to pay for a gambling debt to an unsavoury sort and didn't tell me. This was the last straw. The DC's were, I'm ashamed to say Elastoplast babies, I thought the responsibility would make him the man I thought he was when we got married (after just 6 months I was only 18 ... ) I stuck it out for 7 years spiralling further into debt due to his 'little hobby' Ooof sorry a bit of a rant there. I'm just at him even thinking it would be OK! I fully expect him to not answer my 'no sorry' text and turn up anyway TBH.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 20:11

imperial he'd have to get an open return for himself and an open return for himself and the DC's. It's what my folks do when they collect the DC's for holidays with them and they live the other end of the country

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 16/05/2016 20:13

Not 'no, sorry'. Too pleasant and to his mind probably ambiguous/flexible.

No.
No way.
Hell no!
Are you on glue?

You get my drift

wallybantersjunkbox · 16/05/2016 20:14

He takes the train and finds a local B&B - or he takes them alternate weekends.

You don't need this stress on top of an impending operation.

Do you have help if he says no and you need to recuperate?

Original poster

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 20:14

It's actually 200m round trip twice fairy as I used to drop and return Friday and collect and return Sunday.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 20:18

My Folks have rented a flat local to DC's school for 6 months (they live in a caravan so they're letting it through to site to pay for it - they're not loaded before you ask!) so they'll be doing School runs etc. They don't drive either though so they can't make the trip, not even sure they would after what ExH put me through TBH. So lots of support, just this shite to deal with.

OP posts:

BeckyMcDonald · 16/05/2016 20:22

Has he made any effort to learn to drive whatsoever in the ten years since you split up?

Moonlightceleste · 16/05/2016 20:22

So he wants to come and stay with you after you've had surgery? Hell no. Can you do two weekends in a row once you've recovered to compensate/longer period over the summer?

decisionsdecisions123 · 16/05/2016 20:23

I cant see why it would be inappropriate and confusing for children to have their dad sleep on their bedroom floor for a night as a previous poster suggested. He isn't a random stranger.

Would a train journey not take a very long time?

gunsandbanjos · 16/05/2016 20:23

No you're not being unreasonable, I wouldn't want my ex kipping in my house!

TheWiseOldFairy · 16/05/2016 20:26

Stand firm. 'Nothat doesn't work for me' is fine. If he turns up expecting to stay anyway then he'll be out of luck won't he?

What about you keeping the kids while you recuperate (if you're able to do that?) and him having them them for an extra week in the summer holidays?

TheWiseOldFairy · 16/05/2016 20:29

Would a train journey not take a very long time?

Well yes it probably would. It probably takes the OP a long time to drive 200 miles on a Friday and do the same journey again on a Sunday. But she's not complaining about it.

It is inappropriate for him to stay because the OP doesn't want him to. She'll just have had surgery, undoubtedly feeling a bit wobbly. The last thing, and I mean the very last, anyone wants under those circumstances is to have to put their ex up for the weekend.

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 20:29

I meant it would be confusing as they are separated and young children get their hopes up when they see their dad back living in the family home even if only on weekends. Im sure some parents manage it because they are on very good terms and are happy to be very involved in each others lives but it doesnt sound like thats the case here it sounds like it would be extremely awkward.

houseeveryweekend · 16/05/2016 20:32

also its innapropriate if the OP doesnt want that level of relationship with her ex. Its one thing to behave politely and decently to the father of your children, its quite another to have them in your home overnight regularly when you dont want to and are trying to move on with your life.

HappyNevertheless · 16/05/2016 20:34

Well the bottom line is that you want him in your house. That's your prerogative.
The dcs aren't a carte blanche to do anything he wants.

diddl · 16/05/2016 20:35

"He has now asked if he can sleep on DC's floor on his weekends. I have asked him to get the train and he says that IBU."

I presume you mean get the train to you to collect the children & then take them back to his?

How is he intending to get to you if he's asking to sleep on the floor?

Is there nowhere nearby that he could stay?

maddening · 16/05/2016 20:36

Son is he 50miles away if the round trip is 200?

decisionsdecisions123 · 16/05/2016 20:40

If they have been separated for over 10 years I cant imagine the children will be getting their hopes up over anything. The Op says the older children aren't that bothered about seeing him anyway. I think you mean it is more inappropriate for the Op to have him stay at her house than the children. Its her decision and only she knows how she would feel with having him in the house for a night or 2.

If my children were keen to see him I would probably agree to it on the understanding that he isn't in the house all day log and doesn't expect to be waited on etc.

The long train journey, I was thinking more about the children having to do it than the dad.

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