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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want ExH to stay for the Weekend IN MY HOUSE!!!

75 replies

HappyFatty · 16/05/2016 19:44

So until recently I have driven 200m round trip to drop off DC's to My ExH so that they can see him because he doesn't drive. He paid petrol money. I now can't make the trip due to surgery. I have advised ExH of this with plenty of notice. He has now asked if he can sleep on DC's floor on his weekends. I have asked him to get the train and he says that IBU. Our divorce was over 10 years ago but it wasn't the friendliest. Oldest DC's not fussed about seeing him as he lets the youngest get away with murder and tells the others off for upsetting him, making them miserable all weekend. So AIBU to ask him to get the train?

OP posts:

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 17/05/2016 07:25

If he was that bothered about seeing the children, he'd move closer by (although I appreciate that might not be much fun for you!) or at least learn to bloody drive. The alternative, as it stands, is to stay in a cheap hotel near you on his weekends.

Staying at yours is not an option. It works for some, but it wouldn't for you.

YouTheCat · 17/05/2016 07:40

Stick to your guns!

I'd not be facilitating contact at all. The kids don't sound interested.

leelu66 · 17/05/2016 07:57

Please don't let this arse stay over.

Can you give him a deadline of 1 year by which he needs to learn to drive and collect kids himself?

Can the kids be put on the train and he collect them at the other end? Or do they have to change trains?

kittensandgin · 17/05/2016 08:12

Assuming it's a direct journey, you reserve seats, they have a mobile and your ex can be relied upon to meet them at the station, are the kids really too young to take the train by themselves? There's three of them and I would have thought most 10 and 11-year-olds would be mature enough to do a short journey like this. It's not really all that different to kids taking the tube to school by themselves - which a lot of children that age do every day.

whois · 17/05/2016 08:13

No WAY can he stay in your house.

He can get a hotel/bnb/air bnb/campsite/WHATEVER but he can not stay on your floor FFS.

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 17/05/2016 08:21

I kind of agree, kittens, but I'm not sure it would be fair on the eldest to look after the youngest. In a year or two, it would be fine I'm sure (although still a bit crap for them - unless they enjoyed it - particularly given how dodgy rail services can be on a Sunday).

LyndaNotLinda · 17/05/2016 08:24

What a shit he is. Stick to your guns.

Liiinooo · 17/05/2016 08:28

YANBU. He sounds massively entitled.

TheWiseOldFairy · 17/05/2016 11:45

How are you this morning OP? Well done for sticking to your guns.

I completely agree with everything AcrossthePond said upthread. Even if he is paying for your petrol, this is still not enough to compensate for the added wear and tear to your car, not to mention the extra miles you have added to your car insurance and the huge chunk it takes out of your weekend.

He has had a sweet deal thus far and any decent father would acknowledge that fact. Ignore his attempts at manipulation and don't allow him to make you feel in any way guilty. You would be far from unreasonable to end this arrangement altogether.

TheNaze73 · 17/05/2016 11:54

YANBU. A preposterous notion on his part

Original poster

HappyFatty · 17/05/2016 14:42

Thanks everyone. So, I stuck by my guns! I had a call this morning (try and avoid talking to him as he does the patronizing up-speak tone at which makes my skin crawl) he apologized and said he was sorry he'd been 'grumpy' last night. I stopped him and said that actually he'd been plain rude but that I accepted his apology. I explained it would be far too difficult for me and so for the DC's to have him stay here. He said he couldn't afford the train unless he took it out of the maintenance he pays me. I said that was fine but that I would add up the last 10 years travelling at 40p a mile which was I described as about average and that once that £41,600 was paid off he could start taking money out of the maintenance he pays which is £300 a month. At this point he went very quiet and said he'd find out the train times and let me know when he was arriving and would they be able to meet him at the station. Dad will take them so that's all fab. I could and would not have done that without your help so thank you. xxx

OP posts:

inlectorecumbit · 17/05/2016 14:51

When you are fit to drive again please do not restart this ridiculous arrangement. If he is able to take the train now he can in the future.

OvertiredandConfused · 17/05/2016 14:54

Great result. Well done OP

OvertiredandConfused · 17/05/2016 14:55

And, assuming it's EOW, at very least you should get him to do half the trips by train. All would be ideal.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/05/2016 15:11

HUUUUGGGEE Fist-bump!

Now that you've put your foot down, do NOT pick it up again.

MatildaTheCat · 17/05/2016 15:16

Draw the line in the sand and say you cannot continue the previous arrangements. What a piss taker.

diddl · 17/05/2016 17:17

He's been taking the piss so far with you doing all the running!

Are you the one that moved away & feel that it's the least you can do?

He's never even thought about getting a train/bus part way to make it easier for you?

What entitlement!

Pooseyfrumpture · 17/05/2016 17:35

He said he couldn't afford the train unless he took it out of the maintenance he pays me. I said that was fine but that I would add up the last 10 years travelling at 40p a mile which was I described as about average and that once that £41,600 was paid off he could start taking money out of the maintenance he pays which is £300 a month. At this point he went very quiet

Oh, well played OP, well played

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom · 17/05/2016 17:38

Oh well done, Happy

venusinscorpio · 17/05/2016 18:04

Zing! Brilliant, Happy!

gunsandbanjos · 17/05/2016 18:12

Well done! Bet that's a weight off your mind.

BIWI · 17/05/2016 18:17

That's brilliant! Great comeback to him.

So now what are you going to do when you're recovered? Please tell me that you're not going to do the ludicrous driving again?

He really has to step up and share some of this.

Original poster

HappyFatty · 17/05/2016 19:27

When I'm back on my feet and driving which will be about 3 months by all accounts, I'm probably going to try to come to an accommodation with ExH. I've decided that I am happy to make the trip to our nearest big town which is about 30 minutes away and happens to be where the train connection is as I can do my 'big shop' at the same time. It's a trip I would make anyway once a fortnight and it's the last bit which is fiddly with 2 connecting trains. That is as far as I'm budging though and I think that's reasonable as then it's just one train straight through and there is a 10 minute wait between ExH arriving with the DC's and his return train from that station. If that's not good enough then I'm afraid I will be spitting out my dummy and he can sort it all out himself.

OP posts:

Dieu · 17/05/2016 19:36

Well done OP!

LyndaNotLinda · 17/05/2016 22:52

Fantastic OP! Good work. And your suggestion for the future sounds like a very good compromise.

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