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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP regarding a visit from my parents

107 replies

coralpig · 14/05/2016 21:29

My DP and I have clashed over this.

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it.
My parents would like to come visit our city in July. There's a complicated living situation with me and my partner due to an overlap in tenancy agreements.
I rent a flat and my parents will be staying there with me for a maximum of 3 days.

My partner (soon to be husband) and I have recently bought a house and he lives there full time. I move there in the autumn when my tenancy ends.
They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day.

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited. My partner knows this.

I've been on the phone to my mum to ask when they'll be coming up and she said between the 8th and 30th of July (exact dates tbc). I said that's fine but please give us lots of notice.

I told my partner just now and he got very angry as he has exams that whole month. I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month when they can't come especially as they hardly bombard us with visits (this is the first time in over a year) and they won't even be staying in the same in the same house as him. Of course they'd like to see him but it'll
Probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 08:22

Just wondering. Would the OP be OK to bring a friend home for lunch during Exam Month? If they had children would it be OK for her dp to completely opt out of any involvement in their lives too? A complete month without even a couple of bath times or bed time stories? Would the OP be expected to have them out of the house all day every day in case one of them made a noise that disturbed his revision in another room with the door shut?

Nope. Still an arse in my book.

DaveCamoron · 15/05/2016 08:25

But they haven't got kids so how do you know, are you physic?

tinyterrors · 15/05/2016 08:27

He's being a ridiculous control freak. He'd have a point if op was expecting her parents to stay in the same house as him for two weeks and expected him to spend three hours a day with her parents, but she's not.

Op's parents are staying in a different flat, only want to see the house and op said she isn't expecting her fiancé to spend more than one meal with her parents.

I have exams in a few weeks that are the end of two years of working my backside off. I also have four children, a dh that works away from home for weeks on end and very little practical help with the children. I don't get to send my dcs away for a month because they're challenging and need time. I have to get on with it.

He needs to get a grip and realise that op, who lives somewhere else, doesn't need to put her life on hold because he has exams.

That said exams are bloody stressful and if he's not usually such an arse then it's likely exam stress making him act this way.

Op isn't being unreasonable saying her parents would be staying at her flat and not expecting him to spend more than one dinner with her parents.

Op is being unreasonable saying her parents will likely spend the day times at the house, unless her fiancé will be at work during those times. If he's there but upstairs studying then he'll feel pressure to spend some time with her parents and they'll likely expect it of they're 'old fashioned ' in their views.

diddl · 15/05/2016 08:28

I don't get why they need to visit the house that you aren't even living in yet every day.

Ask him when they can nip round for half an hour in the three days that they are there.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 08:30

"But they haven't got kids so how do you know, are you physic? hmm"

I was just wondering what the people who think the arse her dp is being reasonable think.

FoxyLoxy123 · 15/05/2016 08:34

YABU.

I have exams in June and May is a complete write off for visits. No no no I need to focus else I could lose my job for failing.

AskBasil · 15/05/2016 08:40

He is being ludicrously unreasonable and tbh, I would look very closely at the attitude of entitlement he's showing here before you go ahead and have that wedding.

3 days, when he's not even living in the same house they're going to be visiting and will probably only be called upon to go out to dinner with them once?

WTF? The fact that you even need to ask if he's being unreasonable, shows you need to go back to the drawing board with your attitudes to his entitlement tbh.

You sound kind of apologetic about your parents in your OP. Sorry, but your DP has got to put up with your parents if he's going to marry you and he can't expect his life and his concerns to be the central priority of everyone's life in a family; there needs to be balancing of needs and priorities and your DP's should understand that he's got exams and can only see them once and he needs to understand that he's their future SIL and needs to accommodate a visit from them every now and then even when it's slightly inconvenient.

thatsthewayitgoes · 15/05/2016 08:44

Can he not move into your flat for the 3 days and you and DPs live in the house? Then he doesn't have to see them at all, and they get to see the house that they're probably really excited about. Everyone is happy.

Rezolution123 · 15/05/2016 08:45

He sounds very self-centred and focused. He will probably do well in the exams but not so well in married life. Sadly he has quite a bit of growing up still ahead of him. Sorry OP but he does sound like a stroppy teenager.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 15/05/2016 08:49

Of course they'd like to see him but it'll probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

I might be misreading but can someone point to where the op said it was only going to be one meal. That sounds to me like the dp will be lucky to get any time to himself.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 08:51

When I was a little girl, I remember going for a walk with my parents and some friends of theirs and their children. The dad suddenly stopped in the middle of the path with one hand raised. One of the children started to say something and the mum said "Hush, dear, Daddy's thinking"

diddl · 15/05/2016 08:52

I think that him moving to the flat seems a good idea if possible.

If not though I'd be more than happy for him to not see my parents in those three days and for them not to see the house tbh unless at a time he wasn't there or was OK with it.

Their visit doesn't have to impact him at all & there will be other visits in the future.

Janecc · 15/05/2016 08:57

Agreed BaronessElla which is why I suggested op tells her parents it has to be the last weekend of July, forcibly being after his exams are completed. Op isn't acting very much like an adult if she believes she cannot tell her parents this and is letting them run the show. It's difficult to make that transition to adulthood when you're young if you have old fashioned set in their ways parents. I think this may be the case for op.

NannawifeofBaldr · 15/05/2016 08:58

YABU. Exams trump visits.

It won't be "just a quick cup of tea".

It's the having to make sure the house is presentable for guests. (Because they will expect to see every room)

If he studies in a main room then it's having to move his books and papers to accommodate the 'quick cup of tea'.

It's making sure that there is tea and milk and biscuits suitable for visitors in the house in the first place.

If your parents are anything like my PIL it's never quick. It's at least two hours and then ' oh let's have dinner as it's so late'

It's the fact that he has to rearrange his schedule and give mental space to people who (by the sounds of it) upset him.

Lightbulbon · 15/05/2016 09:06

Why can't they stay with you in your flat and just not see dp this visit?

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 09:07

Please give more info as this thread seems to be running into wild conjecture

diddl · 15/05/2016 09:13

"Why can't they stay with you in your flat and just not see dp this visit?"

Seems like a solution to me, but the want to see the gouse.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 15/05/2016 09:27

Then it looks like the compromise is yes they can come that time in July but if so they accept they will see the house next time, and that they may not see dp at all as this month is a tough one for him. Dp has the option to join you for a meal etc if he can fit it in and if he wants to as stress and headspace matter that month, but you make it clear you're happy for him to focus on his exam prep and do what he needs to do. If parents would prefer to see him and house too then what are their next free dates?

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 09:31

Oh, ffs.

If people coming to look round the house one day in 30 is going to upset him so much then I don't want him taking my appendix out/working out my tax bill/designing a bridge over the Thames. He might stub his toe or something in the morning and be completely incapable of being professional all day!

DoreenLethal · 15/05/2016 09:37

that they may not see dp at all as this month is a tough one for him

Oh bless him. Studying for his exams and all. Cannot. Even. Find. The. Time. Or. Energy. To. Talk. Must. Be. Left. Alone. sniff sniff Or. The. Information. Might. Dissolve.

I've heard it all now. Christ on a fucking bike.

AskBasil · 15/05/2016 09:41

Exactly BR.

This is a normal thing, putting up with inconvenient inlaws.

It's part of a normal relationship.

Even at abnormal, stressful times (exams, job interviews, business trips etc.,) sometimes you have to juggle different priorities, because guess what, the world doesn't revolve around you and your need to focus on something different. Part of being an adult, in a relationship, in a family, is that sometimes you need to accept that you're going to have to turn your focus onto something that you don't want to, when you really need to have your focus on the thing you do want to; but you can't, because you're an adult and part of a group. You just have to deal with it.

Have you got children OP? How does he deal with the fact that no matter what important stuff is going on in your lives, the kids have their tiresome mundane needs which need to be addressed irrespective of anything else important?

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 09:48

And in this case, it's barely even inconvenient!

Kidnapped · 15/05/2016 09:49

Surely he has to eat during this month? You know, to keep his strength up for his ultra-taxing exams?

He could go out for food with the OP and her parents a couple of times over three days. And feck off out to the library one morning so that the OP can show off her new house to her folks (which is, you know, a normal thing to do). Or as a PP has said, show them the house when he is actually out sitting an exam.

Beepbopboop · 15/05/2016 10:01

In my opinion YABU.
He has exams, those just don't take up the days of the actual exams, there's all the revision and stress that goes along with it.
I recently had a month of exams so that stress is fresh in my mind.
Depending on what you are planning to do during their stay. He does not need the added stress of hosting your parents.

Kidnapped · 15/05/2016 10:09

He is not hosting her parents Beep.

They are staying with the OP. In her flat.

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