AIBU or is DP regarding a visit from my parents

[coralpig]

My DP and I have clashed over this.

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it.
My parents would like to come visit our city in July. There's a complicated living situation with me and my partner due to an overlap in tenancy agreements.
I rent a flat and my parents will be staying there with me for a maximum of 3 days.

My partner (soon to be husband) and I have recently bought a house and he lives there full time. I move there in the autumn when my tenancy ends.
They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day.

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited. My partner knows this.

I've been on the phone to my mum to ask when they'll be coming up and she said between the 8th and 30th of July (exact dates tbc). I said that's fine but please give us lots of notice.

I told my partner just now and he got very angry as he has exams that whole month. I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month when they can't come especially as they hardly bombard us with visits (this is the first time in over a year) and they won't even be staying in the same in the same house as him. Of course they'd like to see him but it'll
Probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

AIBU or is he?

[YellowDinosaur]

Doreen I was responding to your comment about what I would do if my husband had exams. Not me. I said in an earlier post I would have been happy for my in laws to come during my own exam preparation because I know they would have been respectful of my need to study and not expected me to entertain them

It doesn't sound as though either the op or her parents would apply this respect, given that they're planning to spend days and evenings in the house when her partner is revising and, crucially, they have somewhere else they could be instead

Out of interest, have you ever had to do expensive professional exams that your family income and career depended on?

[yorkshapudding]

It very much depends on the in laws in question to be honest. My in laws idea of "popping round for a cup of tea" typically means parking themselves on our sofa for at least 8 hours, demanding a constant stream of refreshments and furnishing us their old-fashioned and frequently offensive opinions about a range of subjects including but not limited to parenting (in a nutshell, we're doing it wrong), 'foreigners' and how feminism has "gone too far".

[DoreenLethal]

Of course I wouldn't move out in this scenario Doreen but I wouldn't let anyone visit, I'd simply see them elsewhere.

Then you would be being unreasonable. If your inlaws wanted to come round for a cup of tea then there is no way you would get angry about it as that would be batshit crazy - exams or no exams. Esp if you were home alone for the whole of the month.

[NarpIsNotACunt]

This is a classic AIBU thread

WE DON'T KNOW WHAT EXAMS THEY ARE

[YellowDinosaur]

I've got children. And yes, I did largely opt out of much parenting in the month before my exams. My dh supported this because

1. we are a team who help each other
   
2. failing the exams would have meant we had to make significant cut backs affecting the whole family because the cost to resit was so high
   
3. my job brings in money we rely on as a family (I'm the main breadwinner)
   
   As someone pointed out exams are not a hobby and the outcome impacts the whole family. Of course there are times when dh couldn't do everything because of his work commitments and then of course I looked after my children. But expecting the support to be able to focus on exams isn't unreasonable.
   
   Would you move out and never see anyone in case they might want to visit your home once?
   
   Of course I wouldn't move out in this scenario Doreen but I wouldn't let anyone visit, I'd simply see them elsewhere. Hardly a major hardship for a few weeks. In the situation the op describes I certainly wouldn't bring visitors to the house when I had a flat to stay in instead, unless it was OK with my partner, especially if he found said visitors over bearing.
   
   As I've already said, the op is not unreasonable to want to see her parents or to have them to stay in her flat, but she needs to show a bit more consideration to the fact that this is a very stressful time for her partner and only go to the house for a brief visit at a mutually convenient time, not all day and not to expect him to join them for dinner.

[DoreenLethal]

He has exams, those just don't take up the days of the actual exams, there's all the revision and stress that goes along with it.

Poor lamb. Must have his peace and quiet.

Goodness knows what he will be like if he has kids!

[LittleBearPad]

Tbh, there are so many pieces of information missing it's hard to know what the actual issue is.

The DP doesn't like his prospective in laws "probably legitimately". What does this mean?
The in laws want to see the house. To visit for 30 minutes, to go to everyday all day. Who knows - the OP isn't clear.
I'm sure there's a compromise somewhere but with so little info it's hard to know WIBU.

Btw, I did icaew accountancy exams. They were the hardest exams I ever took, topped off with the knowledge that if I failed I could lose my job. Similarly friends have taken post-grad medical exams. They are gruelling. A little bit of the OP remembering the exams are in July wouldn't have gone amiss and perhaps asking her parents to delay to August.

[Kidnapped]

He is not hosting her parents Beep.

They are staying with the OP. In her flat.

[Beepbopboop]

In my opinion YABU.
He has exams, those just don't take up the days of the actual exams, there's all the revision and stress that goes along with it.
I recently had a month of exams so that stress is fresh in my mind.
Depending on what you are planning to do during their stay. He does not need the added stress of hosting your parents.

[Kidnapped]

Surely he has to eat during this month? You know, to keep his strength up for his ultra-taxing exams?

He could go out for food with the OP and her parents a couple of times over three days. And feck off out to the library one morning so that the OP can show off her new house to her folks (which is, you know, a normal thing to do). Or as a PP has said, show them the house when he is actually out sitting an exam.

[BertrandRussell]

And in this case, it's barely even inconvenient!

[AskBasil]

Exactly BR.

This is a normal thing, putting up with inconvenient inlaws.

It's part of a normal relationship.

Even at abnormal, stressful times (exams, job interviews, business trips etc.,) sometimes you have to juggle different priorities, because guess what, the world doesn't revolve around you and your need to focus on something different. Part of being an adult, in a relationship, in a family, is that sometimes you need to accept that you're going to have to turn your focus onto something that you don't want to, when you really need to have your focus on the thing you do want to; but you can't, because you're an adult and part of a group. You just have to deal with it.

Have you got children OP? How does he deal with the fact that no matter what important stuff is going on in your lives, the kids have their tiresome mundane needs which need to be addressed irrespective of anything else important?

[DoreenLethal]

that they may not see dp at all as this month is a tough one for him

Oh bless him. Studying for his exams and all. Cannot. Even. Find. The. Time. Or. Energy. To. Talk. Must. Be. Left. Alone. sniff sniff Or. The. Information. Might. Dissolve.

I've heard it all now. Christ on a fucking bike.

[BertrandRussell]

Oh, ffs.

If people coming to look round the house one day in 30 is going to upset him so much then I don't want him taking my appendix out/working out my tax bill/designing a bridge over the Thames. He might stub his toe or something in the morning and be completely incapable of being professional all day!

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

Then it looks like the compromise is yes they can come that time in July but if so they accept they will see the house next time, and that they may not see dp at all as this month is a tough one for him. Dp has the option to join you for a meal etc if he can fit it in and if he wants to as stress and headspace matter that month, but you make it clear you're happy for him to focus on his exam prep and do what he needs to do. If parents would prefer to see him and house too then what are their next free dates?

[diddl]

"Why can't they stay with you in your flat and just not see dp this visit?"

Seems like a solution to me, but the want to see the gouse.

[NarpIsNotACunt]

OP

Please give more info as this thread seems to be running into wild conjecture

[Lightbulbon]

Why can't they stay with you in your flat and just not see dp this visit?

[NannawifeofBaldr]

YABU. Exams trump visits.

It won't be "just a quick cup of tea".

It's the having to make sure the house is presentable for guests. (Because they will expect to see every room)


If he studies in a main room then it's having to move his books and papers to accommodate the 'quick cup of tea'.

It's making sure that there is tea and milk and biscuits suitable for visitors in the house in the first place.

If your parents are anything like my PIL it's never quick. It's at least two hours and then ' oh let's have dinner as it's so late'

It's the fact that he has to rearrange his schedule and give mental space to people who (by the sounds of it) upset him.

[Janecc]

Agreed BaronessElla which is why I suggested op tells her parents it has to be the last weekend of July, forcibly being after his exams are completed. Op isn't acting very much like an adult if she believes she cannot tell her parents this and is letting them run the show. It's difficult to make that transition to adulthood when you're young if you have old fashioned set in their ways parents. I think this may be the case for op.

[diddl]

I think that him moving to the flat seems a good idea if possible.

If not though I'd be more than happy for him to not see my parents in those three days and for them not to see the house tbh unless at a time he wasn't there or was OK with it.

Their visit doesn't have to impact him at all & there will be other visits in the future.

[BertrandRussell]

When I was a little girl, I remember going for a walk with my parents and some friends of theirs and their children. The dad suddenly stopped in the middle of the path with one hand raised. One of the children started to say something and the mum said "Hush, dear, Daddy's thinking"

[BaronessEllaSaturday]

Of course they'd like to see him but it'll probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.


I might be misreading but can someone point to where the op said it was only going to be one meal. That sounds to me like the dp will be lucky to get any time to himself.

[Rezolution123]

He sounds very self-centred and focused. He will probably do well in the exams but not so well in married life. Sadly he has quite a bit of growing up still ahead of him. Sorry OP but he does sound like a stroppy teenager.

[thatsthewayitgoes]

Can he not move into your flat for the 3 days and you and DPs live in the house? Then he doesn't have to see them at all, and they get to see the house that they're probably really excited about. Everyone is happy.