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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DP regarding a visit from my parents

107 replies

coralpig · 14/05/2016 21:29

My DP and I have clashed over this.

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it.
My parents would like to come visit our city in July. There's a complicated living situation with me and my partner due to an overlap in tenancy agreements.
I rent a flat and my parents will be staying there with me for a maximum of 3 days.

My partner (soon to be husband) and I have recently bought a house and he lives there full time. I move there in the autumn when my tenancy ends.
They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day.

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited. My partner knows this.

I've been on the phone to my mum to ask when they'll be coming up and she said between the 8th and 30th of July (exact dates tbc). I said that's fine but please give us lots of notice.

I told my partner just now and he got very angry as he has exams that whole month. I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month when they can't come especially as they hardly bombard us with visits (this is the first time in over a year) and they won't even be staying in the same in the same house as him. Of course they'd like to see him but it'll
Probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 14/05/2016 23:04

He dosnt even live in the same house people! Surely he can spare one fuckng cup of tea exams or no exams? Why should his exams trump everyone else's plans?

GiddyOnZackHunt · 14/05/2016 23:09

Could he hole up in your flat whilst you and your parents stay in the house? Or do the locations not work?

DixieNormas · 14/05/2016 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ceilinglight · 14/05/2016 23:40

Yabu

DorotheaHomeAlone · 15/05/2016 03:31

He is bring ridiculous. A 3-day stay in another house is no hardship for him!

SerenityReynolds · 15/05/2016 04:24

Another one here who thinks there's no need for them to be at the house much. They can pop over for an hour or two to have a look and a cup of tea, then enjoy your time with them elsewhere.

LunaMay · 15/05/2016 05:07

"They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day."
Everyday?

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts · 15/05/2016 05:47

I also have an exam in June, I have a revision plan that covers every single free weekend we have (and it started mid-April). My DP parents are coming for the weekend and you know what, my DP organised the stay for the weekend after my exams. His parents are coming from another country and are both self employed so equally difficult to find free weekends but he checks the calendar and organises a mutually convenient time. I'd say YABU for a) letting your parents dictate which weekend they come and b) not checking with your other half of this is convenient. You're a team (or should be if you're going to marry him) and mutually respect and consideration is what makes relationships functional.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 05:56

They won't be staying in the same house as him. They will only be staying for 3 days. He will only see them for at the most 3 dinner times (probably less). He would be being an arse whatever the reason that they can only visit at that time. He is being a double arse because they have caring responsibilities .

yorkshapudding · 15/05/2016 06:05

It depends what their expectations are really. If they are the sort of people who will understand that your DP needs to focus on his exams and be content with popping round on one of the days for a quick cuppa and tour of the house then YANBU. If they are going to want to be at the house every day while he's trying to revise and expect him to join you all for dinner every evening then YABU. It's not clear from your post which it is likely to be.

I can see why your DP would be a bit Hmm that the only time out of the whole year they can possibly visit is during his important exams, especially if they have a history of being difficult.

Dellarobia · 15/05/2016 06:33

YANBU to let them visit but, given his exams, YABU to insist on him spending any time with them, even if he says he can't spare any time at all. They can spend half an hour looking at the house, otherwise they should be at your place and should understand if your partner doesn't come and visit / go out with you.

Jenny70 · 15/05/2016 06:47

I could completely understand if they were staying together in the same house, or wanting to help "do" stuff to the house/garden - therefore causing disruption and time away from his study. If they wanted to come and remodel the bathroom, paint the living room, landscape the garden etc, obviously that is quite intrusive when you are studying (even if they did the work, there would be decisions to be made, tea breaks etc etc etc).

As you've told it, arrangements sound acceptable... they are not staying with him, day trips will take you out of his hair, allowing him to study. He can even cry off evening meals, given that he is studying and dinner turns into late night/chats etc. They can see him for tea/coffee one day.

EponasWildDaughter · 15/05/2016 06:58

The house is his full time home, the flat, at the moment, is OPs.

Why have the parents got to go to the house every day? They're sleeping at the flat.

One visit at a time which suits is plenty to see a house. He wants a bit of peace while he studies for important exams.

I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month

It was in the calendar to keep that month clear. You forgot. Now you're cross. I think it's him that should be cross.

LindyHemming · 15/05/2016 07:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ememem84 · 15/05/2016 07:22

Yabu. He's studying. He needs to focus. He doesn't need to deal with inlaw nonsense before exams.

When I was studying I was outraged that mil stayed with us. She expected to be entertained and couldn't quite grasp the concept that, yes my law exams are important. No I won't be eating out every night. I have to work then come home and out 4 hours study in.

roundaboutthetown · 15/05/2016 07:22

It's fairly obvious you're all being unreasonable...

bimbobaggins · 15/05/2016 07:24

Why can't you just have your parents over to the flat for the duration but take them to see the house for a couple of hours. Dont see the need to go to the house every day.

NapQueen · 15/05/2016 07:25

Surely it being in exam time is perfect - he can immerse himself for the month in his revision. You can immerse yourself in family time with your parents. Stay with them at your flat. Arrange a day with DP whenever fits in around his exams/revision at the house.

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 07:25

I think we need to know more.

For him to have taken such a strong view (you say they like him) suggests one of two things: he's unreasonable and has made no effort, or maybe they hold views that he finds deplorable ( racist, for instance)

NarpIsNotACunt · 15/05/2016 07:28

I also think there's some middle way here - they visit but don't disturb him.

Completely agree this sounds like a bad situation to embark on married life.

Please explain more because on the face of it he does sound as if he is rather rigid

Phalenopsisgirl · 15/05/2016 07:30

An entire month written off!? He is BU. That on a calendar can be taken as 'exams this month don't book to go away', however to expect no contact from the outside world for a whole month is insane. A short visit from your parents will not throw his entire life's ambitions down the toilet. If his idea of a revision month is to be taken seriously I'd expect no tv, no leasure activity, work 16 hours a day in a closed room with only scheduled toilet breaks and if he needs to do this to pass the exam he may be punching above his weight already. It will not kill him to be civil to the in laws for 2 hours

Oly5 · 15/05/2016 07:30

I think if he only has to go for dinner once then he can do it. And he can revise outside the house surely?
He's being unreasonable.

AyeAmarok · 15/05/2016 07:33

He's being a bit of a drama Queen.

Believeitornot · 15/05/2016 07:33

Is he a trainee accountant? Just wondering as those exams are a bitch.

Anyway there's a couple of points here. 1) you forgot when your dp's exams were. That's pretty rubbish. And 2) he doesn't like your parents. I wonder why?

So I say YABU.

And why are you effectively living apart? That's a crazy overlap.

Believeitornot · 15/05/2016 07:35

to expect no contact from the outside world for a whole month is insane

That pretty much summed up my advanced stage accountancy exams. They're incredibly tough plus your job usually depends on passing.

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