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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is DP regarding a visit from my parents

107 replies

coralpig · 14/05/2016 21:29

My DP and I have clashed over this.

He doesn't like my parents- probably legitimately so - but I think he can be quite childish about it.
My parents would like to come visit our city in July. There's a complicated living situation with me and my partner due to an overlap in tenancy agreements.
I rent a flat and my parents will be staying there with me for a maximum of 3 days.

My partner (soon to be husband) and I have recently bought a house and he lives there full time. I move there in the autumn when my tenancy ends.
They will be staying in my rental flat but visiting the house during the day.

My parents live far away and would love to see the house. My mum has an insanely busy schedule juggling full time work and caring for my grandma as well as being a mum to my younger brother. They're having building work done and my dad has been helping with this. That means the time when they can give up a few days is very limited. My partner knows this.

I've been on the phone to my mum to ask when they'll be coming up and she said between the 8th and 30th of July (exact dates tbc). I said that's fine but please give us lots of notice.

I told my partner just now and he got very angry as he has exams that whole month. I should have known this because it's in our calendar and they should not visit then. I'm cross and think it's very unreasonable for him to write off an entire month when they can't come especially as they hardly bombard us with visits (this is the first time in over a year) and they won't even be staying in the same in the same house as him. Of course they'd like to see him but it'll
Probably be for a meal in the evenings at most and not necessarily each night.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:

Moving15 · 15/05/2016 07:36

I would feel very stressed if I had exams looming and my partner was threatening me with in-law visits at the same time! Go back to your parents to give the date when the exams finish and say they'll be very welcome after that date!

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/05/2016 07:39

Surely it is the perfect arrangement. Your DP has the perfect reason not to see much of them as he is revising.

SouthWesterlyWinds · 15/05/2016 07:41

I can understand both sides. He feels that he will be stressed enough which will be raised further by challenging characters. They have a limited time where they could possibly get someone to look after you're grandmother plus younger brother so their are probably tied on that as well.

Your pretty aren't being unreasonable as thy don't know he has exams during this time. They're just working with what they have.

Your partner IBU to a certain regard as you cannot revise for a complete month with no break plus at no point have you actually told him he has to give up time for your parents to socialise. He's either overreacting because of stress (reasonable due to circumstances) or overreacting due to the fact he and your parents don't get on (unreasonable). There is no reason unless they're truly toxic narc's that he cannot be civil and polite to them for a quick visit and a cuppa to the house.

You are making too much out of this as from your OP, you haven't even approached your parents to see if the dates are flexible. This is all on a generic window date that could in all reality slide into August. Swings and roundabouts - ring them and talk to them about exams and see if their dates have any lee ways other than that large window they've already given.

Inertia · 15/05/2016 07:50

I think it would be unreasonable if they were staying in the same house. However, as you are all staying at the flat, there's no need to go to the house other than a cursory look round for an hour. You can then leave your partner in peace.

Actually it's probably a good time for your parents to visit if he doesn't get along with them - he has every excuse not to see them as he will be studying. You do need to accept that you cannot expect him to be available to join you, nor to spend time at the house other than a quick look. It also gives you the chance to keep busy with other people while he studies. Or was he expecting you to be at his beck and call?

Before you marry, you probably need to talk through your expectations about families.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 07:51

So is the OP supposed to put her life on hold for a month? How utterly ridiculous!

MudCity · 15/05/2016 07:53

I think you should speak with your parents and advise them they should visit after your DP's exams.

Like some other posters have said, I would feel very stressed at the prospect of socialising with family when I was preoccupied with exams. If your family can visit afterwards, you also maximise the possibility of your DP getting on OK with them. If they visit during his exams, he will dislike them even more.

DaveCamoron · 15/05/2016 07:55

She hasn't got to put her life on hold for a month, she can still see her parents.

eightbluebirds · 15/05/2016 07:55

Surely this ideal for him? If he doesn't like your parents it's the perfect excuse to not spend loads of time with them without offending them.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 07:56

"She hasn't got to put her life on hold for a month, she can still see her parents."

But not show them her new house?

YellowDinosaur · 15/05/2016 07:59

To those saying 'you can't revise for a whole month with no break' have you actually ever had to do professional exams and work at the same time?

I have. They cost nearly £2k which I paid for. The next step in my career was entirely dependent on passing them. And revising was phenomenally stressful, for about 3 months before the exams but especially during the last month. Of course I had breaks but the breaks were when I actually needed them. So there were occasional nights when I didn't revise at all (although not in the last fortnight) and other nights when I was really focused and didn't even stop to eat. I missed a good friends 40th because I couldn't afford to miss a whole evening revising the week before. If I'd been expected to take a couple of hours off in that time during an evening when I was driven and focused I would have found that really stressful.

My husband was a star. And I wouldn't have minded my in laws staying during this period because both he and they would have understood that they may have barely seen me and would have been happy with this. If they were overbearing like you describe your parents, and expected me to take a couple of hours out to socialise I would have been furious with you for putting me in this situation.

So yes, yabu and pretty unsupportive really in your expectations. You would not be unreasonable to have your parents to stay in your flat and to have a brief visit only to the house at a time that suits your fiance, as long as you have no expectations that he will be up for socialising with your parents. If you (and they) couldn't do this then your parents need to come another time.

DaveCamoron · 15/05/2016 07:59

I don't think that anybody has said that she can't show them the new house, just that she'd be unreasonable to expect her DP to also entertain them for three days.

BertrandRussell · 15/05/2016 08:01

"I don't think that anybody has said that she can't show them the new house, just that she'd be unreasonable to expect her DP to also entertain them for three days."

But at no point did she say that!

Her dp doesn't want them to visit at all during his "exam month". Which sounds very much like the behaviour of an arse.

YellowDinosaur · 15/05/2016 08:06

So is the OP supposed to put her life on hold for a month? How utterly ridiculous

Of course she doesn't need to put her own life on hold. But this is the man she presumably loves above all others, given that they're about to get married. And for him it's probably one of the most stressful times in his life.

I don't know how your marriage / partnership etc works, but in mine we're a team who supports each order and tries our very best to make life easier, not harder, during times of stress. So yes, if my husband was revising for important exams, my life would go on hold with regards to doing stuff with him or doing anything that would disturb him, for as long as he needed during that time.

DaveCamoron · 15/05/2016 08:08

Not really, if I was studying for an exam I very much doubt that I'd want to be bothered too, especially if I didn't get on with the in laws. It doesn't automatically make him an arsenal, more facts are needed I.E why doesn't he get on with the OP's parents.

DaveCamoron · 15/05/2016 08:09

Arse not Arsenal

Muskateersmummy · 15/05/2016 08:09

There are an awful lot of compromises you and dp can make about this visit so it works for everyone. Depending on when they come and where that sits with his exams can dictate how much time they spend at the house and socialising with him. He could study at you flat while you spend a day at the house. You could visit the house just briefly to show them around instead of visiting daily. You should have remembered his exams and be more supportive but he seems to be being a tad excessive. I think if your going to live together you both need to practice the art of compromise

Blu · 15/05/2016 08:10

I would ask your parents to time their visit for after the last exam.

I know it seems reasonable that you will just stay with them in your flat, and take them over for one visit / social arrangement, but it sounds as if he will be anxious and pressured about these exams, and it's just the whole 'headspace' thing.

DoreenLethal · 15/05/2016 08:13

So yes, if my husband was revising for important exams, my life would go on hold with regards to doing stuff with him or doing anything that would disturb him, for as long as he needed during that time

Really?

Would you move out and never see anyone in case they might want to visit your home once? Because that is effectively what is going on here.

He has exams so his girlfriend who does not live there is not allowed to see her family for the whole month. This is absolutely ridiculous and the sign of a control freak.

chelle792 · 15/05/2016 08:16

When my sil had her accountancy exams coming up if any of is came over she would pop down to say hello and go back upstairs to study. We once decorated their living room while she studied upstairs. No one was offended or upset. I think you are both being unreasonable if I'm honest.

Blu · 15/05/2016 08:17

If I was doing exams the way YellowDinosaur describes I would want my space, not to be traipsing about between flat and house etc.

One of my colleagues was doing accountancy exams while working and came in to work at 6am every day to study because he had children at home. He scraped through (he is s GENIUSES at his job) but I the level of your pass counts. So in the end his wife and kids went to their home country for a month, leaving him alone, in the run up to re/takes and he aced it.

Janecc · 15/05/2016 08:17

Can't you suggest to dp you specify they come the last weekend in July? Sunday is 31st. Dp won't feel much like socialising anyway because he'll be tired from exams and that may suit him as he doesn't get on with them.

Otherwise I think you all need to leave him completely in peace and let your parents visit the house for an hour tops for a cup of tea and no more. He seems very stressed about his exams and it is understandable he doesn't want to deal with people, he finds difficult atm.

Maybe he is a bit immature but this is the time to deal with that. And if you don't respect his needs on this, you're not acting very maturely either.

Janecc · 15/05/2016 08:19

....this in not the time to deal with it.

topcat2014 · 15/05/2016 08:20

I took accountancy exams whilst working, forutnately I lived on my own at the time. The thought of having to combine it with family rituals I didn't want to do would bring me out in hives.

WestleyAndButtockUp · 15/05/2016 08:21

I refer you to Yellow Dinosaur's post of 0759.

Exams aren't a hobby (presumably). They (usually) are a stepping stone to greater financial stability for the family. They are the priority.

Isn't the OP lucky that she has a second place to be with her parents so they don't need to intrude?!

sneakyminders · 15/05/2016 08:21

Hold on I've re-read your OP... your parents are coming for three days?! Three days!! And aren't even staying in the same property as your dp?

He is being massively unreasonable and stressing you out unfairly.

He only has to see them once surely, for dinner? And if their stay coincides with exams then just an hour visit and a cup of tea...?

I really do not see the problem.

I hate to be doom and gloom but him not liking your parents and kicking up a fuss like this does not bode well, it will only get worse. Have a talk, stand your ground, tell him you don't expect the world from him, he doesn't have to entertain your parents or spend loads of time with them but that you expect a) him to be around for a short visit with them and be engaged and friendly and b) he is not to stress you out or guilt trip you when they are coming to stay.

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