AIBU - vegan dinner party guest EATING FISH

[isitginoclock]

We're throwing a dinner party. I've just excused myself to the loo to write this because I'm FUMING!! One of our guests has recently become a vegan. I spent bloody ages making her a mushroom pate for starter which she happily tucked into whilst we ate our salmon tartare. She then asked if she could try some salmon.

Wtf?!?!

I've bought loads of different stuff for her to eat and spent all frigging day cooking it. Why do I bother?!

Would it be best to say if invited to a dinner party that I only eat fish meeting this criteria, or that I don't eat fish? Surely it's equal amounts of hassle for the host?

In this scenario, I'd just say I didn't eat fish. It's marginally less hassle in that you've expressed clear, simple requirements, and the hostess isn't wandering around Sainsbury's with a mental list cod no, tuna no, trout yes, prawns no unless... or reading labels to check on ethical provenence.

(It also sounds a bit judgy. 'I only eat ethically-sourced fish from good stocks. I mention this because you probably have lower standards. When you feed me, at your house, please get your act together and stop ruining the environment.')

And then, if everyone else gets fish, you don't eat it!

I agree Baboooshka, and that's probably one of the reasons why people say they're vegetarian when perhaps strictly they're not.

Yes, but if you say 'I don't eat fish', just to make your more complicated restrictions a little easier on the host, you stick to that for the evening. Just out of mutual respect. They've honoured your restrictions, so you stick to them.

You don't turn up and have a bit of the dolphin-unfriendly tuna, because a little won't hurt. You don't, when it turns out everyone else is getting organic ethically-sourced top-grade sashimi, dig in to that, saying 'no, this is fine! I thought you were going to serve us total crap!'.

The bigger thing, beyond that one evening, is: if you constantly describe yourself as a non-fish-eater/vegetarian/vegan, how consistant do you have to be? Are people who expect a self-declared vegan never to eat fish being nit-picky and fundamentalist, or is the vegan just appropriating a term that doesn't really apply to them?

I think the issue is that the guest requested a particular meal (whether that is what they always eat, or not) and then ate food which was not prepared for them.

It doesn't matter whether they 'are' vegan or not, the point is that they requested a vegan meal, and therefore common courtesy would be to be grateful to the host for providing a suitable meal and eating it, not eating other guests food.

The guest was rude.

threewords your right
This is about people who use food as attention seeking, whether it is allergies or vegetarianism or veganism.
One of dds teenage friends looked at my dcs birthday cake and told me she didnt like chocolate. I had two cakes one white chocolate one dark chocolate, so i didnt cut her any. Then dd comes over later and tells me that K hasnt had any cake, apparently the white chocolate was ok . This was after she screamed blue murder because she got her foot wet on a rafting party (she had been warned). This girl is attention seeking all the time and not the first time she has told me that she wont eat certain foods, when her parents have told me she does.

...but if you interviewed this particular dick and said "what made you think peanuts don't matter?" I think you would get a lot of ill thought out guff about allergies being newfangled things that no one used to have; it was only a tiny bit of peanut [...] I doubt you would get the relatively logical response "because my brother's girlfriend Jenny says she is allergic to wheat but still eats hot buttered toast when she has a hangover"

TooBad I don't think the 'relatively logical response' is logical at all! It would be crazy to conclude, purely from 'Jenny's gluten free but eats toast', that 'a peanut allergy is no big deal'.

I think it's all part of the attitude you mention first: allergies are BS, some new fad, always exaggerated, how could anyone die from a bit of peanut, everyone's so attention-seeking and dramatic. And I think people with fake allergies contribute to that mindset, and reinforce existing prejudice/carelessness.

Are people who expect a self-declared vegan never to eat fish being nit-picky and fundamentalist

No.

common courtesy would be to be grateful to the host for providing a suitable meal and eating it

The OP says the guest did eat both the vegan starter and the vegan main course.

The weird bit is that she asked to try a bit of salmon. But that's hardly the same as "eating other guests' food".

Completely agree with the last poster! I'm vegan too and think her behaviour was disrespectful. I haven't been tempted to eat animal products since going vegan but if I was, I wouldn't disrespect someone who'd gone to so much expense and effort to accommodate me. It's very rude! I understand that vegans wearing leather sends out a conflicting message but please understand that this is often people transitioning onto the lifestyle who haven't found found suitable alternatives or are using products they had before making the switch. I still have a pair of leather boots - when I replace them I will buy a vegan pair. The most important change initially is diet because you're eating on a daily basis!