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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - vegan dinner party guest EATING FISH

709 replies

isitginoclock · 13/05/2016 20:06

We're throwing a dinner party. I've just excused myself to the loo to write this because I'm FUMING!! One of our guests has recently become a vegan. I spent bloody ages making her a mushroom pate for starter which she happily tucked into whilst we ate our salmon tartare. She then asked if she could try some salmon.

Wtf?!?!

I've bought loads of different stuff for her to eat and spent all frigging day cooking it. Why do I bother?!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2016 11:05

I don't find it as rude as telling someone that you MUST have vegan food and then eating the fish destined for other guests, tbh.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:05

Lweji

See my reply to thumb.

Lweji · 14/05/2016 11:05

Yes, you're right. She should have told the guest exactly what she thought.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:06

I must have missed the post where the "vegan" guest said she MUST have vegan food.

GeezAJammyPeece · 14/05/2016 11:06

Actually people don't really think that vegetarian food can include fish do they? I know people will say they are veggie and eat it, but no one arranging an event would actually say "what about some salmon as the veggie option?" would they?

I think I might have mentioned this up thread (can't remember and don't know if I can search for my own posts only) but I work for a large catering company. My own position is in a high school canteen but various other arms cater for other projects & functions. It has long been a bugbear of mine that according to their own nutritional guidelines (which are actually really strict in terms of %amounts of fat/protein etc plus allergen labeling etc) fish could be offered as the vegetarian option on the set menu. In practice it isn't, and there are other choices elsewhere in the canteen, but it still makes me seethe.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:08

Agree, lweji, but not in front of the other guests. That would be completely unacceptable.

glassgarden · 14/05/2016 11:08

Do we need a new, non pejorative term for people who enjoy eating meat but wish to limit their consumption of it?

Lweji · 14/05/2016 11:10

It seems you did miss the post.

I asked everyone when I emailed.

If someone replies saying they are vegan, or want vegan, then vegan it is, not salmon, surely.
Or would just reply saying no meat, anything else is fine.

PastaLaFeasta · 14/05/2016 11:10

Three people I am close to eat fish but not meat, it's so much easier for me to cook for them so it's fine by me. My SIL eats fish and chicken but I'm not sure classes herself as vegetarian - she started this as a kid who was horrified at eating little lambs etc. I'm making sure my kids know what their food is and both seem happy to eat meat, phew.

I can understand vegetarianism/vegan is being adopted for environmental reasons and could well imagine trying to reduce our meat/animal product intake for this reason (as well as cost) but I'd never label myself as vegetarian if I wasn't completely excluding meat. I remember trawling through a city in Mexico and struggling to find food acceptable to a fish eating veggie and a Muslim friend who only eats halal meat from trusted sources. It was not fun and I was so glad to be a meat eater. Although it's well catered for in this country along with many other dietary needs.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/05/2016 11:11

Now you're just being plain argumentative, Rhonda. "I'm a vegan now" implies that vegan food is a requirement, i.e. she must have vegan food. The OP knew she had become vegan recently, so made a big effort to accommodate that properly.
The guest seemed to have forgotten it.
And I've just noticed it wasn't even cooked salmon, which can be a bit offputting to even seasoned meat and fish eaters.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:13

No, I meant the post where OP said the "vegan" guest stated she MUST have vegan food.

Apologies if she did say that, it certainly wasn't clear from the OP's posts.

BarbarianMum · 14/05/2016 11:14

Really? You think she maybe was just mentioning it to the person that'd invited her to dinner as an interesting topic of conversation, nothing to do with her food expectations? And all these years I've been assuming that the reason people tell me they are vegetarian/vegan is because they don't want me to serve them meat/animal products!

JessieMcJessie · 14/05/2016 11:16

It's staggeringly rude to make a special (particularly tricky) dietary request and then blithely eat the very things you said you could not after the host has slaved away to make special food for you. The guest deserved all the bitching behind her back. If I were the OP I would probably bite my tongue in her presence but would not be issuing any return invitations and would be hoping that a mutual friend from the dinner party had a word with the fake vegan afterwards to point out how rude she had been.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:17

I'm not being argumentative. I'm disagreeing with you that the guest said she MUST have vegan food, but I've apologised in advance if that's what she actually did say to the OP.

I don't dispute that it must have been annoying and I don't understand why some one would claim to be vegan and then eat fish.

But any moral high ground the OP may have had has been completely lost by her nasty behaviour towards the guest afterwards. I acknowledge that you think she was justified because the guest ate some food she said she didn't eat. I just don't happen to agree with you.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2016 11:19

I'm disagreeing with you that the guest said she MUST have vegan food

What would you think "I'm vegan" meant when you'd asked someone their dietary requirements then?

DinosaursRoar · 14/05/2016 11:19

SuburbanRhonda - I know 2 who'll eat fish and one who'll eat chicken. It does seem to be people are using it as a short hand as they don't really want to list what they will and won't eat as (quite rightly) it makes them seem like it's not an ethical or religious stance but more of a fussy one.

One of the fish eating ones is due at mine this evening for Eurovision (last minute change of plan so she can now join us, wasn't planned to be coming) and I'm trying to work out if I would be rude to ask if she'll eat the pudding I've ready made that contains gelatine, or if I need to make another pudding. I'm happy to make another one if she won't eat it, but I'm busy today getting the house ready so if I don't need to, I'd rather not. (The main is already veggie.) Is it rude to ask knowing that she's already rather flexible on her "I'm a vegetarian" stance...

JessieMcJessie · 14/05/2016 11:19

SuburbanRhonda you are invited to a dinner party and host emails in advance to ask if you have any special dietary requirements. You say"Yes, I am vegan".

You turn up at party and all food is meat, fish, eggs and cream. Are you saying that you would be quite happy with that because you didn't say expressly "I MUST have vegan food"? Confused

GeezAJammyPeece · 14/05/2016 11:20

*Today 10:52 ThumbWitchesAbroad

I have a lovely vision of you now, Geeza - sort of blackhaired with pointy eyebrows and blood red lips... but not pale, apparently! *

I sound great Thumbs not the reality
I was an equal opportunities lip colour wearer, so was as likely to be silver, black, nude or dark purple as it was red. Also, the hair has all together too much grey to be termed dark theses days. The fact that it is stupid thick and stupid long means I need to remortgage to buy dye (or sell a kidney to go somewhere to get it done)

SoupDragon · 14/05/2016 11:20

I don't think the OP was right to bitch about the not-a-vegan to their mutual friends though.

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:20

The guest deserved all the bitching behind her back.

Rather than a more mature response? If it was justified, I wonder why the OP hasn't been back to defend her actions?

SoupDragon · 14/05/2016 11:22

if I would be rude to ask if she'll eat the pudding I've ready made that contains gelatine

I would to her th dessert contains gelatine and, as it's a last minute change of plan, if she's not OK with that would she mind bringing an alternative.

SoupDragon · 14/05/2016 11:22

Tell her...

SuburbanRhonda · 14/05/2016 11:23

No, that's not what I'm saying.

I'm taking issue with the word MUST, which thumb' used to make the "vegan" guest sound petulant and demanding. She may well have been, but thats not what the OP said.

limitedperiodonly · 14/05/2016 11:25

The guest ate the mushroom pate and then asked to try some salmon. I don't know why. Perhaps it looked nice. She's obviously not vegan, but as long as she ate the vegan food provided for her and there was enough fish to go around for her to have a 'try', what was the problem and what's the excuse for bitching about her from the toilet so everyone else can join in with their tales of failed vegans and vegetarians?

SoupDragon · 14/05/2016 11:26

I think saying "I'm a vegan" is the same as saying "I must have vegan food" otherwise there would be no point saying it.