AIBU - vegan dinner party guest EATING FISH

[isitginoclock]

We're throwing a dinner party. I've just excused myself to the loo to write this because I'm FUMING!! One of our guests has recently become a vegan. I spent bloody ages making her a mushroom pate for starter which she happily tucked into whilst we ate our salmon tartare. She then asked if she could try some salmon.

Wtf?!?!

I've bought loads of different stuff for her to eat and spent all frigging day cooking it. Why do I bother?!

Suburban yes bitching was in poor taste certainly.

Howbad yes it happens! At weddings, catered work events and even on restaurant menus I've seen fish as a vegetarian option.

accept that people will call themselves what the hell they like
OK, I'm Bill Gates and I want my private jet to take me to my private island

Next week Im going to be a brain surgeon, well I studied a bit of medicine, read a few articles etc

Howbadisthis - I couldn't agree more, esp your post at 10.29.

I know a lot of 100% consistent vegetarians and pescetarians - people who have not eaten meat, or meat except fish, in decades. I don't know any who occasionally eat bacon or something

With vegans - I only know vegans who struggle with it, constantly

that is so annoying. I was an actual vegan for 10 years, but after kids I tried to be vegetarian but found that I can't digest dairy. If I am going to a restaurant I request something vegan as it is easier than explaining the non dairy/battery egg thing. But if I am going to someone's house I make it clear what I can eat to widen the scope as much as possible, as I know that I am already a pain in the ar*e. It's like if you eat fish them darn well say it beforehand! And if someone has gone to the trouble of making something special for you don't eat the alternative unless is it also vegan as the hostess has already jumped through hoops! I would be cross OP, but maybe if she's just gone vegan she's missing all the things she used to have…I remember a few slip ups on the way to vegetarianism/veganism.

I started a thread a few months ago about why vegans don't eat eggs, as I had chickens who layed every day, and surely these eggs would just go to waste, as the chickens couldn't help laying. Lots of helpful vegans came on and explained why they didn't eat eggs. It didn't become a massive great bitch fest, just a really well informed discussion.
This does remind me of Pam in Gavin and Stacey saying she was vegetarian and having to pretend for months so she didn't offend Stacey's family.
I also have a friend who spent time in Africa a few years ago. The tribe she was staying with killed a goat as a celebration meal. She was a vegetarian, who ate it, as how could she explain that she couldn't eat meat, to people who had killed a precious resource. It changed her viewpoint on western attitudes to lifestyle choices and diet.

HowBad, you win today's WEP verbal calisthenics prize, food-related. Thank you for freeing us all to self-define as vegans whilst also leaving the window open to eat whatever we want, whenever we want, without anyone making a single comment.

The process of becoming a vegan is a messy one, filled with contradictions and influenced by many different factors, depending on what we fancy eating right now, what the vegan course is, and how many alcohol units have been consumed. For some reason, society defines us as 'people who do not eat or use animal products', purely because we have described ourselves as 'vegan'.

All this limits our gastronomic opportunities and sometimes serves as a channel, even justification, for discrimination, poor hostessing and hate-speech such as 'why are you eating the fish? I made you vegan pate. You said you were a vegan'.

Let's stand against this.

(I was a vegetarian for five years, but the boring kind -- just didn't eat meat.)

What on earth DOES a satanist look like, in mufti? well... ME, clearly, Thumbs have often wondered that myself I don't tend to frequent many masses, Black or otherwise, so I'm not a wearer of their more formal attire either 😂😂😂

If you're one of the "fuzzy vegans" then surely you say "I try to eat vegan but I'm OK with a bit of X Y or Z".
^this^
Couldn't agree more SoupDragon, if a guest had said this to me when asked about dietary requirements, I'd probably still have prepared them vegan-friendly dishes (because its the thoughtful thing to do) but wouldn't have been offended it they had then requested trying the alternatives (assuming that portioning allowed for this).
However, like the op, if they had said " I'm vegan", I prepped accordingly, then they wanted to eat the other stuff too, I'd be pretty miffed!! I know it makes no difference as they are eating it anyway, but it just seems disingenuous to say you don't eat something, expect the host to buy & prepare extra alternatives especially, then you eat the first thing after all.

TBH, I'd probably try & use the same components for everyone and omit/exchange ingredients for the vegan portions, just to give myself less work to begin with. So I might not find it quite as frustrating as I would imagine.

draylon

That sounds more like a communication issue, annoying though it must have been.

With hindsight it might have been better to have asked her what sort of food she can eat and whether they would be wanting a full meal or just snacks.

Your premise does not stand Howbad
You might have a stronger claim to rationality if you proposed a new category for those whom aspire to veganism

I don't personally see the need for one

Perhaps you are trying to construct an argument in favour of redefining veganism?
If so you are going about it in a very confused manner (and I don't think there is one)

Howbad - yes, people will assume that fish = vegetarian. Seen it many times.

I've never met one either Suburban. Neither have I met a vegetarian or a vegan who has talked about their reasons unless asked. I must be lucky.

I've only met one.
Who made a right fuss at a restaurant about not eating meat and checking all the veggy options.
Fine.
Then it got to dessert and he got something that had eggs. I asked him if he could eat eggs. He said no. I, helpfully, pointed out that what he was eating contained eggs. He continued to eat it. Sigh. He went to the prat box of people.

I have a lovely vision of you now, Geeza - sort of blackhaired with pointy eyebrows and blood red lips... but not pale, apparently!

Oh look, Lweji has found another one.

I generally agree with HowBad - carnivores who have a go at vegetarians and vegans for their perceived inconsistencies are really really obnoxious.

However in this particular case, a host who had gone to special efforts to prepare food for guests who insist that they are incapable of eating what everyone else is having only to find it spurned because the vegan fancies salmon today are entirely justified in ranting.

I know loads of long term serious vegetarians who operate a "don't ask don't tell" policy on Haribos or marshmallows or wine or Guinness or E numbers. And fair play to them. 99.9% vegetarian is a good 50% better than I manage.

To be perfectly honest I often tell people I'm vegan because I can't be bothered explaining the fact that I don't eat meat, fish, eggs, milk, cheese, yogurt, etc but I don't check ingredients lists or anything like that- I either like the taste or I don't. It takes a long time to list every one and to be honest I don't like the attention that comes with a huge list of foods you don't like/ can't eat. I went to a dinner party recently where the host (a very close friend of mine) completely understands my stance but her DM was catering. She had obviously told DM that I was a vegan so DM had prepared a huge platter of vegan-friendly foods for me. I thanked her profusely and thought it was a really lovely gesture but I wasn't going to limit myself to just eating that food (it was buffet style so everyone else tucked in too) when there were other foods I would enjoy.

Funny how the appalling behaviour of the host has been completely ignored by most posters in favour of rolling out yet another story of dietary choice misdemeanours.

I used to know someone as well who proclaimed themselves to be vegetarian, but who ate fish and chicken because "they didn't count". It's not unusual - there's even a name for them - fishychickytarians.

Sorry, don't agree that host's behaviour IS appalling, maybe that's why.

ElleGrace if you don't eat meat, fish, dairy or eggs what would you have eaten from the non vegan food? Genuine question, I'm puzzled!

I only know one vegan, and she looks so pale and unhealthy :( bags under her eyes, always tired and ill. It's a shame because she seems to really embrace the vegan lifestyle and is always posting vegan stuff she has found at local shops on her FB. She just isn't selling the lifestyle though!

How was the host's behaviour appalling?

Apart from slaving away making completely separate dishes to cater for everyone's preferences? I wouldn't have.

it called a pescatarian how bad its not veggie

i think thats the point

Seriously, thumb?

One guests leaves, the host comes on Mumsnet and reads out comments from this thread and they all have a good laugh and bitch behind the absent guest's back?

That's fine by you?